“Bad news?” I frowned at her over my shoulder, wondering why she looked so pale.
“There’s no easy way to do this, Ellie.” Grim-faced, my father stood and put his hands on my shoulders. He knew, better than anyone else, what this was going to do to me. His voice was gentle when he spoke, but he gave it to me straight.
“Alix, Frank Anderson was killed last night and the police have arrested Nick for shooting him.”
“What?” The glass slid from my fingers and shattered on the floor, filling the room with the scent of oranges. “That’s impossible. Nick couldn’t kill anyone. Why are you doing this?” My voice was rising, but I couldn’t help it. Their expressions were suddenly making me very afraid.
Anguish filled my father’s eyes and he pulled me close, holding me tightly. “It’s true, Sweetheart. God, I’m so sorry. Nick called the police himself. The Judge and I have been at the jail all night. Nick says it was self-defense and I think we’ve convinced them he’s telling the truth.”
Mama and Aunt Jane flanked us as I pushed away, doing their best to comfort me. But there was no comfort, only shock and confusion. The reality of what they were telling me hadn’t kicked in yet, but it was barreling toward me at the speed of light.
Aunt Darla, ever the practical one, was down on her hands and knees, mopping up broken glass and juice. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Part of me hadn’t believed any of this until I saw her reaction. “Stop it,” I whispered. “Stop crying. It’s going to be okay. If they believe him, they’ll let him go.”
I took a step toward the Judge. “They’re going to let him go, aren’t they? They have to let him go if it was self-defense.”
“Alix, it’s not that easy.” He ran a hand over his forehead, dislodging his glasses. “A man was killed.”
“Oh, God.” My legs shook and the room spun around me dizzily. Someone pushed me onto a chair. “How, please tell me how?”
The Judge took a deep breath. “Nick said Frank was drunk when he got home last night, and in a mean mood. Did a lot of screaming and yelling about how Nick had let him down, turned against him. Nick said he was trying to leave when Frank picked up a knife and swung at him.” He shook his head. “After all the beatings Frank gave him when he was growing up, it’s no surprise Nick snapped. He says the next thing he remembers, Frank was on the floor dead, and he was standing there holding the gun Frank kept.”
“But there’ll be a trial, won’t there? He’ll never be convicted, especially after we tell them about that night in the barn.”
“The sheriff knows about that night, too. That’s one of the things that helped me convince them...” He paused. “There’s not going to be a trial, Alix. They gave Nick a choice. Either he could join the army and leave town for good, or take his chances on a manslaughter charge. He’s leaving today, as soon as the recruiter can get his paperwork filled out.”
“No.” My hands gripped the table so hard my fingers were numb. “He wouldn’t leave me.”
“He doesn’t have a choice, Alix.” My father stood beside me while my mother and aunts sniffled and wiped their eyes. “If he doesn’t go he could spend the next five years in prison.”
“I have to see him. Where is he?”
“He’s still at the jail,” the Judge said. “The police aren’t letting him out of their sight until he’s on a bus. Jim and I will take you.”
“Maybe I should go with you.” My mother started for the door.
“No.” As much as I hate to admit it now, somewhere in the back of my mind I partially blamed her for everything that was happening. If it hadn’t been for her stubborn insistence that I marry Hugh, if she’d stayed last night and listened to us instead of rushing off to her silly meeting, Nick might not have gone home so early. It wasn’t rational, I know, but nothing about that morning was quite sane.
She stopped. “Alix—“
“No,” I repeated. “I’ll be fine.” Pushing away from the table, I stood, swaying as another wave of dizziness washed over me.
My father gripped my arm tightly. “Hang on,” he murmured, his voice for my ears alone. “You have to be strong for Nick. He’s in bad shape, Sweetheart.”
I closed my eyes, straightened my spine, took a deep breath, and nodded. For Nick, I could do anything. “I’m ready.”
The jail in Morganville was a tiny thing, four grungy, dank cells attached to the back of City Hall where the police station was located. They served mainly as holding cells until the person incarcerated could be transported to the larger jail in Jonesboro, where the county and federal courts were located. I prayed I wouldn’t have to see Nick in one of those cells, and apparently God was listening this time. They had him in a small conference room, a burly deputy standing guard outside the door.
Nick sat slumped at the long table, elbows propped on the surface, face buried in his hands. A handcuff stretched from his right wrist to fasten around the table leg, giving him just enough room to move freely without allowing him more than a foot from the table. The pain that had been building inside me settled in my throat and chest, expanded until I struggled for breath as I closed the door quietly behind me.
A second passed before he lifted his head and looked at me, another one before recognition dawned in his eyes. In the space of one night he’d aged ten years, his face ravaged with grief and weary resignation, his beautiful eyes bloodshot and filled with a hopelessness that tore at me.
He stood slowly, and without being conscious of moving, I found myself holding him, his left arm pressing me tightly to his body. Neither of us spoke, we simply clung together, trying to comfort each other in the only way we could, though simple human touch.
“They shouldn’t have let you come,” he choked, his voice trembling. “But, God, I’m glad they did. I was so afraid I wouldn’t get to see you again.”
“It’s not that bad,” I whispered. “You can write to me, and I’ll write back. In four years you’ll be out of the army and you can come home. I’ll wait, Nick. For as long as it takes. I love you.”
He shook his head then pushed me away gently. “You don’t understand, Alix. I can’t come back here. Not for a long time. If I do they can throw me in jail.”
“Then I’ll come to you, wherever you are.”
“No.” He lifted a hand to my cheek. “I won’t let you do that. Your family is here, your roots. You can’t destroy your life for me.”
“I don’t have a life without you.” I was desperate, frantic with fear as I realized what he was doing.
“Yes, you do.” He took a deep breath. “As much as I wanted to believe it, dreamed about it, it was stupid to think people would accept our being together. Now, it would be even worse. I’m not just trash, I’m a murderer, and they’ll always see me that way. I can’t do that to you. You have to forget about me, Peewee.”
“Can you forget about me?”
His eyes shimmered with tears. “No. Not if I live to be a hundred.”
“Then don’t ask me to do what you can’t.”
He caught me close again, buried his face in my hair. “Do it for me, Alix. I need to know you’ll be happy if I’m going to have any chance of getting through this. Promise me. Please.”
“I promise you this. I’ll love you until the day I die even if I have to live without you. And if it’s fifty years from now, you come home, Nick Anderson. Do you hear me? I’ll be waiting on you.”
He wiped away the tears streaming down my cheeks, and forced himself to smile. “This isn’t a church social, Sweetheart. You aren’t going to be able to save me this time.”
“You knew?”
“I knew.”
Behind us the door opened and the sheriff came in, his gaze going from me to Nick. “The recruiter is here and ready to go, Nick.”
While the sheriff unfastened the handcuffs, Nick kept his gaze on my face. “Stay here until I’m gone.”
I nodded, knowing it would only be harder for him if I watched him leave. “I love you.” I
mouthed the words as the sheriff took him by the arm and led him toward the door.
Abruptly, Nick stopped. “Wait. Just another second, please.”
The sheriff glanced at me and nodded. To my surprise, Nick reached under his shirt and pulled out the half-heart pendant. With his gaze fixed on mine, he slid the chain over my head. “No one should have to go through life with only half a heart,” he whispered.
I’m not sure I said anything out loud, but he saw the understanding in my eyes. With one final, heartbreaking smile, he was gone, and it felt like my life was over. He may never have said the words, but with that one last gesture, Nick had given me my heart back while letting me know he wouldn’t have one without me, and the thought almost destroyed me.
I didn’t know then what the Judge had gone through to give Nick this chance, and it was probably a good thing I didn’t. I was in no shape to appreciate his efforts. You see, the Judge still had a lot of influence with our law enforcement officials, and he’d exerted a lot of pressure and called in a lot of favors to keep Nick out of jail. If I had known, I probably would have hated him, blamed him for taking Nick away from me.
Clutching the pendant in one hand, I let the darkness that had been threatening at the edges of my vision creep in and cover me, and for a while I didn’t have to think, didn’t have to feel.
#
They took me home and put me to bed, Mama and my aunts fluttering around me like beautiful, useless butterflies. They mopped my forehead with cold clothes when the thought of never seeing Nick again made me nauseous, and they brought me bowls of soup that sat on the nightstand untouched until a skim formed over the top. They watched me with worried eyes and urged me to sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come. I lay awake through the long hours of Friday and Saturday, staring at nothing, replaying every moment of the last few weeks with Nick over and over in my mind, like a video tape stuck on a loop.
Finally, late Sunday night, I slipped out of the house, weak as a newborn kitten, and made my way to the barn on shaky legs. Once in his room, I wrapped his shirt around me and curled up on the bed that still held his scent, and at last I was able to sleep. It was the deep, dreamless sleep of emotional exhaustion, and though part of me was aware of someone coming and going, I didn’t wake fully until Monday night.
When I opened my eyes it was to find Aunt Jane sitting in the rocking chair, her head against the back as she watched me. She looked as tired as I felt.
“Do you think Nick would want to see you like this?” she asked quietly.
“He’s gone and he’s never coming back, Aunt Jane.”
She straightened and arched her back until it popped. “So you’re going to curl up and die? Wake up, Alix. Life isn’t kind and we rarely get what we want out of it. We do the best we can and we keep putting one foot in front of the other. You may not have Nick, but you’ve got a lot of other people who love you and are worried about you. It’s time you thought about them.”
“Does Mama know?”
“About you and Nick?” She shook her head. “Your mother is a kind, loving woman who cares about you more than life, but she only sees what she wants to see. She’s convinced herself, Darla and the Judge that you’ve got a virus, and the shock of what happened to Nick made it worse.” She stood. “I left you a sandwich and some soup. Eat it before you come back to the house.” When she reached the door, she stopped. “You might be interested to know Frank Anderson’s funeral is tomorrow morning. The state is burying him in the county cemetery.”
My head was spinning as I swung my feet to the floor, and I reached automatically for the tray of food. It hit me with staggering force that I hadn’t thought about Frank being dead a single time. But I thought about it while I ate, and the more I did, the angrier I got. I was going to that funeral tomorrow come hell or high water. There were a few things I needed to get off my chest.
#
It was a dismal day for a funeral, the sky overcast with periodic burst of a fine, soaking drizzle, but I was glad it was raining. It wouldn’t have been fair for the sun to shine on Frank Anderson’s last day above ground.
Aunt Jane went with me. Neither of us dressed up, we simply climbed into the car and left. Everyone was so happy to see me up and moving that they didn’t think to ask questions.
I sat staring at the green tent when we reached the cemetery. It stood at the far back, in one corner, and a bright yellow backhoe was parked a discreet distance away. Chairs lined the area, but no one sat in them. A pile of dirt was mounded to one side, covered by green cloth, but there were no flowers. A restless-looking minister I had never seen before stood shifting from one foot to the other as we got out. He looked at us hopefully when we reached the tent.
“Are you relatives of the deceased?”
“No.” I pointed to the coffin. “Would you open it, please, and give me a few minutes alone?”
“Of course.”
He motioned to one of the workers who stood waiting nearby, and together they lifted the lid on the top half. Frank Anderson looked better in death than he’d ever looked in life, which only stoked my anger higher. Someone had dressed him in a cheap blue suit and a white shirt, with a red and gray tie knotted around his neck. His hands were folded peacefully on his chest, and his black hair was neatly combed. Hate like I’d never known filled me, spilled over.
“You bastard,” I whispered. “I’m glad you’re dead, glad he killed you. You didn’t deserve a son like him. All you ever did was make his life miserable. And now everyone thinks he’s just like you. But he’s not. He could never be like you. He’s more of a man at twenty than you’ve ever been in your life, and even if he never comes back, he’ll make something of himself. You wait and see.”
Aunt Jane put her arm around my shoulders and I nodded at the minister. When the lid was closed again, I cast one last look at it. “I hope you rot in hell, you son of a bitch.”
We left the poor minister standing there in shock, and I never shed another tear. There was something cathartic about telling Frank what I thought of him.
The next day I went back to school. There was a lot of gossip about the killing, but I refused to listen. Hugh was solicitous and concerned, thinking I was still getting over my “virus.” Jenna knew the truth and stayed by my side constantly, watching me closely as though she were afraid I might do something drastic. Not once did she tell me, “I told you so,” and for that I was grateful. I couldn’t have made it though the next few weeks without her. When my mother insisted I buy a prom dress, Jenna went with me and chose the dress. I couldn’t force any interest in a silly dance.
My stupor lasted until prom night, when I finally came to my senses enough to realize there might be another reason for my continuing bouts of nausea and dizzy spells. A reason that was going to bring me back to life and change me forever.
#
Hugh picked me up right on schedule in his new Mercedes, a graduation present from his parents. Mama took pictures of us while he pinned white roses onto my shimmering red gown, then kissed my cheek. “You look like a fairy tale princess with her prince,” she said, wiping a tear away.
I smiled wanly. “Thank you, Mama.”
“Now, you two have fun tonight.”
“We will.” Hugh took my hand, escorted me to the car, and helped me inside while Mama waved from the porch. I felt like I was moving through thick water. Nothing seemed real or right, and all I really wanted to do was go curl up on the bed in Nick’s room. For Hugh’s sake, and for Mama’s, I couldn’t.
The prom was being held at the fanciest hotel in Jonesboro, and the ballroom had been decorated to a fare-thee-well with live flowers in every shade of white imaginable, all trimmed in metallic gold and silver ribbons. They adorned every table and lined the walls, creating the illusion of a snowy garden. I had to hold my breath against the cloying sweetness that filled the room.
Jenna was there with Scott, who wasn’t scheduled to leave until after the graduation ceremony Monday evening.
>
“You look like hell,” she whispered as the guys left to get drinks. “At least try to smile.”
I bared my teeth. “Is that better?”
“Only if you plan on biting someone.”
“God, Jenna. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I should have made some excuse.” The music was loud and noisy and couples brushed by us as they danced. The heat level in the room was rising by the minute, emanating from the tightly packed bodies.
“Alix, you can’t keep going like this. You’ve lost weight and you look like you’re going to pass out any second.”
“It’s the heat in here. Why doesn’t someone turn the air up?”
She gave me an odd look. “Are you sure you aren’t really sick? It’s not that warm in here.”
“Maybe I got car sick on the ride over.”
The guys made their way back through the crowd and Hugh handed me a glass of punch. Thank heavens it wasn’t the sugary stuff, I thought, downing the contents of the crystal glass. The tart taste of pineapple juice mixed with other fruits and ginger ale settled my stomach a bit, and I smiled at him. “Thanks.”
“More?” He arched a brow in question.
“No, I’m fine.”
“Then how about a dance?”
“Sure.” It was a slow one, and I had to admit, we moved well together. I couldn’t imagine Nick on a dance floor like this. He was too private, too introverted, to ever do anything so public. I doubted he even knew how to dance, or would have cared to learn if given the chance.
Hugh’s sudden turn brought me crashing back to the here and now as a wave of dizziness hit me. “Whoa.” I staggered, and he stopped, a look of concern on his face.
“Alix, you need to see a doctor. This virus is hanging on way too long.”
“I’ll be okay. I think it’s the heat.”
He gave me the same look Jenna had and I knew I needed to escape for a while. “Excuse me. I’ll be right back.”
Without waiting for an answer, I headed for the nearest bathroom. A light sheen of sweat coated my skin and I wet a paper towel with cold water and patted, trying not to disturb my makeup as I listened to the other girls making use of the facility.