He was staring down at me intently, his expression grim. “Leave you alone to what? Come on, Sweetheart. Scream at me, curse me, whatever it takes. You have to get it all out.”
All my energy drained away and I closed my eyes, leaned my forehead against his chest. “I can’t do this.”
His arms closed around me, his lips moved over my hair. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “I understand. We’ve got lots of time to work it all out.”
I didn’t resist when his mouth traveled down my cheek, settled on mine. There was no passion in the kiss. It was sweet and gentle, and I could feel the ends of the frayed bonds that had once stretched between us begin a slow mending. It was a kiss that offered healing, if I could only give in to it. And for a second, I did. For that one brief second, I let go and returned the pressure, let myself pretend that nothing had changed.
But it had taken me fifteen long years to reach the point where I now stood. No kiss, not even one of Nick’s, could change what I’d become. I wasn’t a sleeping princess and he wasn’t my prince. We were two ordinary people who had been shaped by the life we’d led.
It did, however, accomplish one thing I hadn’t expected. Even as I stepped away from him, I knew I had to put an end to the anger. Keeping it bottled up was easy when I didn’t have to see him every day, talk to him. But since he’d been back, I’d felt as though someone had thrown a match into a can of gasoline. If I didn’t get it under control it would destroy me, burn me up from the inside out.
“Are you okay?” His hand trembled when he touched my face, ran his thumb over my lips, and again I was surprised. He didn’t act like a man who’d been lying for his own ends. He acted like the old Nick, the one I’d loved with every ounce of my being.
I nodded, confusion making me weak. “I’ll be fine, but I think you’d better go for now.”
“Maybe you’re right.” He lowered his hand. “But I’m scared to death that if I leave, the next time I see you we’ll be right back where we started.”
I hesitated, then took the plunge. “How about if we call a truce for now?”
“Just for now?”
“It’s the best I can do, Nick. I have a lot to think about.”
“I guess you do.” He walked to the door, then stopped with his hand on the knob. “But while you’re at it, think about this. I love you. There hasn’t been a single day in the last fifteen years that I haven’t regretted not telling you when I had the chance. That house I’m working on next door? It’s never been for me. I’m building it for you. Without you there to share it, it will never be anything but an empty pile of boards.”
I don’t know how long I stood there, staring at the spot where he’d been, my mind whirling like a wisp of straw caught in a wind devil. He’d told me the truth. I knew it on a level I couldn’t explain. But there were so many unanswered questions, so much I didn’t understand. And now I no longer trusted my own judgment. I needed someone to talk to, someone who could be objective and reasonable. I needed Jenna.
This had felt like the longest day of my life, but a glance at the clock showed me it was only eight-thirty, not even full dark yet. Jenna should be home by now.
Grabbing my keys, I climbed in the Chevy and headed across town.
#
A few years after she’d started working for Mid-Delta Reality, Jenna had a bought a little house on the outskirts of town. She’d gotten it dirt cheap because it needed a lot of repairs. But over the years, she’d turned it into what I laughingly called her “gingerbread” house. It looked like something out of a fairytale with its brightly painted, scalloped trim, its overflowing gardens complete with fountains and bird baths, and its distinct air of femininity. And the inside was every bit as frilly as the outside. No doubt about it. The house had brought out a hidden streak of domesticity in Jenna that was the direct opposite of the cool business women she became during the day.
Relief washed over me when I saw light spilling from the windows. She was home.
Parking the Chevy behind her Lincoln, I got out and followed the brick path around to the back. The kitchen door was open, the framed screen door keeping out mosquitoes and letting in fresh air. I rapped twice, then waited, head tilted, listening. From somewhere inside, I heard the low sound of her voice. She must be on the phone.
Not wanting to disturb her, I eased the door open and stepped into the kitchen, leaning against the counter until there was a lull in the conversation. Then I raised my voice. “Jenna?”
For a split second there was nothing but silence, then I heard a mad scrambling. “Alix? Is that you? Hang on. I’ll be right there.”
She was still belting a robe around her waist when she entered the kitchen, and her hair was in wild disarray. It was so different from her normal, impeccable appearance that I couldn’t resist teasing her a little.
“Caught you, didn’t I? All this time you’ve been having a wild fling right under my nose. Well, the games up. You might as well confess.”
“What?” The blood drained from her face, leaving her eyes nearly black in the surrounding whiteness. One hand clutched the robe together at her throat.
“Hey, I was only joking.” I steadied her with one hand. “Are you okay? Has something happened?”
“No, of course not.” Her smile was wan. “You just took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting anyone tonight.”
“I should have called first.” I was still a bit puzzled by her reaction.
“Don’t be silly. I never call you before I come by.” She walked to the sink and filled a pot with water. “Give me a second to put some tea on and then you can tell me what prompted this visit.”
I sat down at her table, propped my elbow on the wooden surface and sighed. “Nick prompted this visit.”
She glanced uneasily at the door leading to the living room, then closed it before joining me. “Nick?”
“Yes. He was waiting on me when I got home from the hospital this evening. God, Jenna, I’m so confused. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
I paused at a muted noise from the other room. “I swear, that sounded like your front door closing. Are you sure I didn’t interrupt something?”
“Positive. One of the shrubs thumps the house when the wind blows. Go ahead with what you were telling me.” She was visibly more relaxed now, and I decided I’d imagined her earlier case of nerves.
“He told me he loves me, Jenna, that he’s building the house for me. One minute I really think he means it, then the next I start remembering everything he did to me. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
She crossed her arms on the table. “Why don’t you talk to him, ask him about Lindsey and everything that happened? If he does love you, he’ll tell you the truth.”
“I tried. This morning before I found the Judge. He said I didn’t understand about him and Lindsey, so I told him to explain it to me. He didn’t answer.”
“And you let him get away with that?” Her tone was disbelieving.
“I was upset.”
“That’s no excuse. Alix, the only way you’re going to settle this, good or bad, is to force the issue. You can’t keep going like you have been, shutting everyone out, barely existing.”
Gloom settled over me like a shroud and I slumped in the chair. “It’s useless. The fact is, he got Lindsey pregnant, then dumped me for her. Forcing him to talk about it isn’t going to change a thing. So what if Lindsey didn’t live with him? He still left me alone and pregnant.”
“Whoa!” She held up one hand. “What makes you think Lindsey didn’t live with him?”
“That’s what he told me. And Daniel doesn’t seem to think of her as his mother. He doesn’t seem to care much about her at all. Not like he would if she’d lived with them. He even calls her by her first name.”
“And Nick said you didn’t understand.” She looked thoughtful. “Is it possible that Nick isn’t Daniel’s father?”
The smile I gave her was wry. “You obviously haven’t seen him.
He’s Nick’s son, all right. Seeing him is like seeing Nick at that age. They even act alike.”
“Okay, scratch that idea. But think about it like this. Even if he did sleep with Lindsey, maybe it only happened once. Anyone can make a mistake, right? Couldn’t you forgive him?”
I shook my head. “Maybe. If that were all it was. But how can I ever forgive him for Katie, Jenna? How can I see him and not remember that my daughter would be alive if he hadn’t left us?”
She reached across the table and took my hand firmly in hers. “Alix, you aren’t going to like this, but it’s not Nick’s fault that Katie died. It’s not anyone’s fault. Blame him for leaving you, blame him for not being there when you needed him so desperately, but don’t blame him for Katie.”
“I have to.” My voice was thick with grief. “He could have saved her.”
“How? How could he have saved her?”
“I don’t know!” I yanked my hand from her grasp and covered my eyes.
“Listen to me.” She leaned forward and touched my arm. “You loved Katie so much because she was Nick’s child. When she died it ripped you in half. Your family, bless their hearts, did what they thought was best for you, but they never gave you a chance to grieve. So you tucked it all away inside until it almost drove you crazy. Whether consciously or unconsciously, you protected yourself the only way you could. You tried to justify Katie’s death by blaming Nick. But you know the truth, Alix. Even if he’d been standing in the room with her, Katie would have died.”
“No.” I was shaking so hard the table rattled.
“Yes.” Her voice was gentle. “You’ll never get over Katie’s death until you can admit that it was only a senseless tragedy. Sometimes there just isn’t a reason for the things that happen, no matter how much we search for one. You had her for six months, Alix. Would you rather have never known her, loved her?”
“No. God, no. Every minute I had with her was precious.” Tears filled both of our eyes, spilled over until our vision blurred.
“Then concentrate on those minutes. Do you remember the first time she crawled? She had the most surprised look on her face.”
And so, when I’d come to talk about Nick, I ended up talking about Katie. Talking about her for the first time since she’d died. For hours, we sat over tea gone cold and forgotten in our cups, and we laughed and cried as we talked about my daughter. And finally, after all those empty years, I began to heal.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I was in a strange mood the next morning as I got ready for work; kind of numb and drained, and yet more at peace with myself than I could ever remember being. It was an odd combination, but one I welcomed. Nothing was going to ruffle me today, not even the call from my mother, asking me to stop by her house on my way home that evening. It was way past time for me to have a long talk with her.
Picking up the invoices I had neglected over the weekend, I walked out to the Chevy. As I went around to the passenger side of the car and put the paperwork on the front seat, I was aware of the sounds coming from next door. Circular saws buzzed, hammers pounded, and raucous male voices filled the air. And for the first time, I didn’t ignore them.
I closed the car door and turned to study the progress they were making on the house. It was coming along nicely. The slab had been poured, and Southern Supply had delivered the first load of material Friday. One of the outside walls already stood erect, the bare bones of what would soon become a real house.
A smile curved my lips as a streak of pure possessiveness shot through me. It was all I could do not to go over there and start giving orders. Until I saw Nick and forgot all about the house.
He was standing on the slab, long legs braced apart, hands on his hips, a leather tool belt slung low around his waist. And he was watching me. In spite of the distance between us, I saw him wink, and my heart hit my ribs with a thunderous crash.
I hadn’t reached the place yet where I was ready to confront him about the past, or to completely forgive him, but that didn’t mean I was blind. He was the most gorgeous hunk of male it had ever been my privilege to stare at, and darn his hide, he knew exactly what I was thinking. His smile turned to a smug grin so full of satisfaction, that I couldn’t help myself. I laughed. God, I’d missed him, missed having someone to flirt with, to laugh with, and to talk about everyday things with. All the things I’d never had with Hugh.
That wayward thought sobered me a bit, and with a final wave in Nick’s direction, I climbed into the car and headed for the store. I felt too good to let thoughts of Hugh spoil it for me. As a matter of fact, I was going to call Jenna when I got to work and tell her I’d meet her at the roadhouse Wednesday night.
I also called the hospital to check on the Judge, and to my delight, he talked to me for a few seconds before Aunt Jane took the phone away from him. “How is he really?” I asked.
She laughed. “He’s fine. They moved him out of ICU this morning into a private room, and he’s already giving the nurses a hard time.”
“Has the doctor been in?”
“He just left. He says there’s still weakness in the Judge’s arm, but they think with some occupational therapy he’ll regain full use of it. If he keeps improving this way, they’ll let him go home by the end of the week.”
The rest of the day went by in a rush, and I spent it catching up on paperwork, skipping lunch so I could keep working. It was almost quitting time when Kenny thumped on the glass between my office and the customer service counter. When I looked up, he gestured toward the front and I saw Nick. He’d lost the tool belt, but otherwise he looked just as he had this morning.
I took the time to make one last entry in the books, then stood and walked to the counter.
“Do you always look so serious when you work?” he asked with a smile.
“Only when there’s math involved.” I returned his smile. “What are you doing here?”
Kenny had started edging toward the door as soon as I appeared, but when he realized I wasn’t going to take Nick’s head off, he hesitantly went back to work.
Nick gestured toward some boxes stacked beside him. “I had to pick up some nails for the nail gun, and since it’s so close to quitting time, I thought I’d save Bowie a trip and give Daniel a ride home.”
I glanced at the clock. “He should be here in a few minutes.”
“How’s he doing?”
“Wonderful.” I grinned. “We’ve had more girls buying games since he started than ever before.”
“There did seem to be a crowd when I went by that aisle earlier.” He looked mildly disgruntled. “I hope all the attention doesn’t go to his head.”
“It won’t. He’s too much like you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t remember hordes of girls chasing me around when I was his age.”
“The only reason they didn’t is because you ignored them.”
He crossed his forearms on the counter and leaned forward. “I ignored them because there was only one girl I was interested in. And it’s great to see her laugh again.”
Before I realized what he was going to do, he kissed me, right there in front of God and everyone. Just a quick brush of lips, but it was enough to send confusion swirling over me.
“Welcome back, Peewee,” he murmured. Heat flooded my face as a loud war whoop rang through the store.
“Way to go, Dad!” Daniel appeared beside Nick, grinning from ear to ear. And he wasn’t the only one taking note. Kenny was laughing, too. Thank God, most of the customers had already left and the store was nearly empty.
“He thinks I’m over the hill,” Nick said, giving Daniel a friendly shove.
“You act like it sometimes,” the boy said. “But thanks to me, things are definitely starting to look up.” He puffed his chest out. “I’ve been giving him advice.”
“Oh, really?” I grinned. “Maybe I should take you to the roadhouse with me Wednesday night instead of Jenna. Can you dance?”
“Just call me Justin Ti
mberlake.” He executed a move that would have done N’Sync proud, and I blinked.
“Wow. You weren’t kidding. You’re hired.”
Nick shook his head. “No way. He’s only fourteen. He’s not allowed to date unless I go along as a chaperone.”
“You’re just jealous because he can dance and you can’t.”
“Oh, Dad can dance. He took lessons.”
Nick clamped his hand over Daniel’s mouth, a dull flush creeping up his neck. “I think it’s time for us to be leaving.”
I widened my eyes in mock horror. “I don’t believe this. Nick Anderson taking dance lessons? And the world didn’t come to a screeching halt?”
“There’s not a lot to do when you’re stuck on a compound in the middle of Saudi Arabia,” he muttered. “Besides, he didn’t say I was any good at it.”
Daniel forced Nick’s hand away from his mouth. “He is, though. You should have seen him practicing with Bowie. They took the class together and both of them tried to lead.”
“You and I are going to have a long talk when we get home.” Nick glared at Daniel before turning to me again. “What to come with us? Bowie is cooking, so no promises on the state of your health after supper.”
With Lindsey there? Not a chance in hell. Maybe I’d called a truce with Nick, but she was a different story entirely. “Sorry. I promised Mama I’d stop by after work.”
“Well, guess I’ll see you later then.”
“Sure.”
I watched them leave, then glanced at Kenny. “Wipe that grin off your face or I’ll fire you for insubordination.”
My words had no effect on him. “You can’t fire me. You need me too much. Besides, it’s nice to hear you laugh for a change.”
“Have I really been that bad, Kenny?”
“Not bad.” He hesitated. “It’s just that you seem to take everything so seriously, like if you ever knew how to have fun, you’ve forgotten.”
I thought about that for a second. “Maybe I did. And maybe it’s time I started to remember.”
He patted my shoulder. “Why don’t you go on? I’ll lock up for the night.”