It surprised both of us when I kissed his cheek. “Thanks, Kenny. For everything.”
That man was long overdue a raise, I decided as I gathered up my purse. He put in more hours than I did, never complained, and the whole staff looked up to him. I couldn’t run the store without him.
#
Mama’s new house was a small, single-story red brick. It sat at the end of a long lane, amidst a grove of towering pines that whispered in the wind like a hundred voices, murmuring secrets not meant for human ears. Since she was expecting me, I didn’t bother to knock, just opened the door and stepped into the kitchen.
To my everlasting shock, she was at the counter putting the finishing touches on a mandarin orange cake, my all-time favorite since I was a little girl. “What’s the occasion?” I asked when she glanced around.
Her smile had an edge of nervousness to it. “It’s my way of saying I’m sorry.” She got out two plates and carried them to the table, cutting the cake before she continued. “I stayed awake half the night last night, thinking about what you said at the hospital yesterday.”
I watched as she bustled around the kitchen, getting forks, making coffee. “Alix, I never meant to hurt you, although I can see now that I did. You’re still my baby and I really thought I knew what was best for you. I thought you were just hurt by the way Hugh had been carrying on, that given time, you could work it out. Maybe I’m getting old. I don’t accept change so easily anymore, and Hugh has been part of your life since you were children. He’s the only boy you ever dated.”
“Sit down, Mama.” I caught her arm and tugged her gently into a chair. “Its time we talked about this.”
She twisted her hands together on the table and exhaled, the breath lifting a lock of hair on her forehead. “That’s what your father kept telling me. I should have listened to him, should have known that you wouldn’t divorce Hugh without a good reason. I’m so sorry I didn’t trust your judgment.”
A short bark of laughter left my lips. “I haven’t exactly given you any reason to trust it. But I should have left Hugh a long time ago, Mama. We don’t love each other. We never did.”
“And yet you stayed with him all this time. Why?” She looked confused and upset, and my heart ached over what I was about to do. Sometimes we forget that divorce doesn’t only affect the two people involved. It’s a rending of two entire families.
“I stayed with him because I didn’t care what he was doing, Mama. After Katie died I didn’t care about anything.”
“But you married him. You must have had some feelings for him.” Abruptly her face paled, her expression stricken. “It was my fault, wasn’t it? I pushed you into marrying him.”
Reaching across the table, I covered her hand with mine. “No, you didn’t push me into it. I had my own reasons for marrying Hugh.” I braced myself, then went on. “I married him because I was pregnant and scared. He offered me a way out, a way to give the baby and myself respectability.” I hesitated. “Katie wasn’t Hugh’s child, Mama.”
Her gaze locked on mine. “Nick,” she whispered.
“Yes.”
A second passed in silence, her shoulders slumped as she looked away to stare at the table in front of her. “I think I always knew, I just didn’t want to admit it. She looked so much like him. Does he know?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure I’ll ever tell him. You have to understand. All this time I’ve blamed him for everything that happened, Mama. I blamed him for leaving me, for not caring enough to take me with him. And I blamed him for Katie’s death. I know now that it wasn’t his fault she died, but there’s still a lot of other things I’m not sure I can ever forgive him for.”
“How does he feel about you?”
“He says he loves me, that he always has. We’ve called a kind of truce for now, but it doesn’t change the fact that Lindsey has been with him all these years, or that they have a son together. After fifteen years of hating him, I can’t start trusting him again overnight. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again.”
“I did your father. It wasn’t easy, but sometimes you have to take a chance.”
“Daddy didn’t have the baggage Nick has. He didn’t lie to you.”
She rubbed her forehead tiredly. “I wish I’d known all this a long time ago.”
“So do I. Maybe if I’d tried to talk to you, made you understand, I never would have married Hugh. But I took the easy way out, and I paid for it. It’s too late to change the past, but at least I can try to salvage the future.”
“You’re right, and I promise not to say another word about the divorce.” Her lips twitched. “Did Hugh really have an affair with Peggy?”
“Yes. Among others. He does have appalling tastes, doesn’t he?” I grinned.
She laughed. “Helena hasn’t called me since you confronted Gretchen in the store. I think she’s dug herself a hole somewhere and crawled inside to hide from the embarrassment. She was so sure the problems between you and Hugh were all your fault.”
“In a way, they were. It takes two people to make a marriage work and I wasn’t interested in trying. If I had been, Hugh might not have felt the need to turn to other women. We might have learned to love each other.”
“No.” Her voice was quiet. “You never could have loved him the way you did Nick, and it wouldn’t be fair for either you or Hugh to settle for second best. You’re doing the right thing.” She picked up the knife, lifted out a huge slab of cake, and deposited it on my plate. “Now, eat up.”
“Mama?”
She looked up at me.
“I love you.”
We almost knocked the table over in our rush to hug each other, and both of us were soaked from our tears. We continued to sniff and smile while we devoured half the cake, and I figured both of us were going to be sick before the night was over. But it didn’t matter if we were. We had regained something that was broken. Our trust and closeness. And I was going to make sure our relationship was never damaged again. I was finally starting to remember something I’d once known, but had forgotten. Lies and half-truths hurt not only the liar, but the people they love most.
Uneasily, I pushed thoughts of Nick aside. I suppose it was at that point when I understood he would have to be told the truth about Katie, something I wasn’t prepared to consider just yet. I also knew I couldn’t be honest with him until he granted me the same concession. Whether or not we had a future together was immaterial until we could untangle all the lies and pain from our past.
#
Tuesday evening I left Southern Supply and went straight to the hospital to visit the Judge. It was Aunt Darla’s turn to sit with him, and from the looks the Judge was giving her when I walked in, I figured he’d about gone his limit. Taking pity on his inability to escape, I sent her down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.
When she was gone, the Judge breathed a sigh of relief. “That woman is gonna drive me to drink.”
“She’s worried about you.” I couldn’t help the smile I gave him.
“The only thing she’s worried about is getting everybody else to do what she wants. How the hell I raised a daughter that thinks her way is the only way, I’ll never understand. Come to think about it, she reminds me a lot of your Great-Grandma Hoskins.”
Grandma Hoskins was the Judge’s mother-in-law, and from all accounts she’d been a real tyrant. She was the bane of his existence before she died, ruling her husband and daughter with an iron fist. I’d heard the Judge say many times that it was nothing short of a miracle that he’d gotten my grandmother away from her long enough to elope.
We dropped the subject of Aunt Darla when an aide came in with his supper tray. I helped him get fixed in the bed, and took the covers off his food. I also noted that he ate without complaining about the lack of salt. The stroke must have really scared him.
“Have the doctors told you when you can come home yet?”
“Friday, maybe, if things keep looking good. Are
you keeping an eye on my garden?”
“Yes, sir. Checked it last night after I got back from Mama’s. Everything looks fine.”
He eyed me for a second, the overhead light glinting off the lens of his glasses. “You and your mama talking to each other again?”
I nodded. “She understands now why I’m divorcing Hugh.”
“It’s about time. I was getting tired of seeing the two of you moping around. Besides, I never figured out why you married Hugh in the first place. You deserved someone better.”
“Like who?” I held up a hand. “No, on second thought, don’t answer that. I’m not sure I want to know.”
But of course, I knew exactly who he was talking about. And as though the conversation had conjured him out of thin air, Nick came though the door, followed by Bowie. I could tell the Judge was delighted with his visitors.
Not long after the men arrived, Mama and Daddy showed up, and Mama had to hug Nick and fuss over him until it got downright embarrassing. When he finally escaped, he leaned against the wall next to my chair.
“She makes me feel like I’m still ten years old.” He smiled down at me.
“That’s Mama for you.” From across the room, she was beaming at us happily. I nearly groaned. In spite of our talk last night, or maybe because of it, I could almost see the image of wedding bells forming above her head.
Trying to ignore her, I glanced back at Nick. “How’s the house coming along?” I knew they had all the walls studded up this morning when I left for work, and I’d seen the delivery invoice for the roof trusses.
“Faster than I expected. We got all the trusses on today, and they’ll start on the decking tomorrow if it doesn’t rain. I could use some advice on a few things though, if you’ve got the time this evening.”
A tingle ran over me. I was positively dying to take a closer look at the place. “Sure,” I said nonchalantly. “I’m not doing anything after I leave here.”
“Great.” He appeared as cool as I was trying to be. “Bowie still has some errands to run and I left my truck out at the house. How about if I catch ride home with you?”
“Okay. Now?”
“If you’re ready.”
Our exodus was interrupted briefly when Aunt Darla returned. I introduced her to Bowie and told her he wanted to swap recipes with her. Then I had the pleasure of watching her blush like a teenager and stammer out “Well, lands sakes” as she stared at Bowie, her hands busily smoothing imaginary wrinkles from her dress and tucking stray locks of hair back in place.
It was the first time in memory I’d ever seen Aunt Darla flustered, but from the way Bowie was looking at her, I didn’t think it would be the last. By the time Nick and I left, they were huddled up in a corner talking each other’s ears off.
“Where’s Daniel tonight?” I asked as we walked out to the Chevy.
“Visiting one of his newfound buddies. I think they’re both addicted to the same video game.”
“I’m glad he’s found some friends.”
“Thanks to you.”
“No.” I smiled. “Thanks to Daniel. He’s so outgoing and enthusiastic no one can resist him.”
When we reached the car, Nick held out his hand. “Mind if I drive? It’s been a long time I’ve been behind the wheel of the Chevy.”
I dropped the keys onto his palm. “Be my guest.”
He opened the passenger door for me, then went around to the driver’s side, pausing long enough to scoot the seat back to make room for his longer legs. “I’m glad you kept it. The only place you see cars this old today still in running order are in antique shows.”
We stayed silent until he pulled out onto the highway, and I finally made up my mind to begin my quest for answers by easing into the subject through the back door. “Bowie and Aunt Darla seemed to be hitting it off.”
He smiled. “There aren’t many people Bowie can’t get along with.”
“You said you met him while you were both in the army?”
“Kind of.” He glanced at me. “Bowie had retired, but he hung around the base a lot. I met him at the base hospital when he was having some minor tests done.”
Well, so much for being subtle. His answer immediately raised ten more questions, none of which I wanted to veer off into. Things like, why was he at the hospital? And why had Bowie gone to work for him when Nick couldn’t possibly have been making enough money to pay him?
I cleared my throat and got back on track. “Did you like the army?”
“Yes and no. One good thing about boot camp is that you don’t have time to think about your problems. It’s all you can do to crawl into bed every night and pass out. The army also made it possible for me to go through some schools that I couldn’t have managed without them. That’s how I got the job with the oil company in Saudi. But on the other hand, I don’t do well taking orders. That’s why I got out when my time was up.”
“You could have come home.”
His jaw tightened. “No I couldn’t. I was still Nick Anderson, the guy who’d shot his father, the guy from the wrong side of town. I was still broke, still a nobody.” He glanced at me again. “I promised you once that I’d make you proud of me someday, that I’d be somebody. I couldn’t home until I’d succeeded.”
“And now you have?”
The smile playing around his lips was grim. “Well, I’m not broke anymore. The company paid well, and they gave large bonuses to get you to stay longer than a year. Since they also furnished housing, there wasn’t much expense. I took what I saved and invested it. Maybe I’m not up to the Morgan’s standards of rich, but I’ve got enough to live comfortably the rest of my life. So yes, I’d say I’ve at least partly succeeded. The rest of my goals are still up in the air.”
I studied his profile. “Did you really think that’s what I wanted? That I cared if you were rich or not?”
He pulled the car to a stop in the driveway and shut off the motor. His voice was quiet in the silence. “No, I knew it didn’t matter to you. But it mattered to me, Alix. I couldn’t stand the thought of you living in some dingy apartment, slaving away at job you hated to help support us. It would have destroyed me. There was so much I wanted to give you, so much you deserved...” His voice trailed off, and I realized his hand was fisted on the steering wheel. He took a deep, shaky breath and pushed the door open abruptly. “Let’s go look at the house.”
Confused, I followed him across the grassy area that stretched under the trees between the barn and his house. It was almost as though he knew where the conversation was leading and wanted to stop me before I could ask the questions. A spark of anger curled inside me. I had a right to know, damn it. If he loved me as much as he said he did, then I deserved to know why he’d nearly destroyed me.
Strange, but even after everything I’d been through, I never doubted for an instant that he’d tell me the truth. He might refuse to talk about something, but lying was as foreign to Nick’s nature as a sandstorm was to a rain forest. Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten that.
I remembered it now and my anger faded as he helped me step up onto the foundation of the house, a distracted expression on his face. “What color shingles do you think I should get?”
In the last rays of the sun, I gaped at him. “That’s what you wanted my advice on? Shingles?”
The thoughtful look faded from his eyes, and he grinned. “Among other things.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and gazed up at him. Okay, if he wanted to play games, I’d go along with him for now. But we both knew this subject wasn’t over.
“What kind of exterior were you planning?”
“Vinyl siding.”
“Color?”
“What color would you use?”
“It’s your house, Nick.”
Even in the shadows cast by the upper floor, I saw his gray eyes go molten. “No, it’s our house.”
It felt like my insides were melting into a puddle on the cold concrete at my feet. “White,”
I whispered. “Make the outside white.”
I don’t know who moved first, or even if it matters. I only know that I suddenly found myself in his arms, his mouth moving hungrily on mine. We were pressed together so tightly I could feel every inch of his hard body against me, feel the heat radiating from his skin. And nothing in my life had ever felt so right before. For that brief time, we weren’t two people separated by fifteen years and a troubled past. We were one body, one soul that had been reunited across a seemingly unbridgeable chasm.
When it ended, we were both shaking, both gasping for air. But instead of releasing me, his arms tightened until they were almost painful and he buried his face in my hair.
“God, I can’t lose you again.” His whisper was harsh, filled with pain. “Not now, when I’ve waited so long to hold you. I think it would kill me. But I’m so damn scared you’ll hate me when you find out the truth.”
I rested my head against his chest, eyes closed. “And when will that be?”
“Soon. Too damn soon.”
“But not tonight?”
He hesitated and I could feel the tension in his body. “No, not tonight. I know I don’t have the right, but I’m asking you to trust me a little longer.”
I leaned back and looked into his eyes for a second, then nodded. “Show me the rest of the house.”
And so, for the next hour, we pretended to be nothing more than two people in love who were busily planning the home they would build together. We held hands, we laughed, and we argued over the layout of the kitchen. We discussed color schemes, shingles, and floor covering. We couldn’t stop touching, or looking at each other, trying to memorize this forbidden moment.
When it was time to part, both of us were reluctant for the magic to end. We wound up necking like teenagers, standing in the front part of the barn after he walked me home, exchanging long, slow, drugging kisses that lasted forever, drove us both to the edge of our endurance, and left our bodies aching.
And then I stood in the open door and watched him drive away, unaware that this blissful peace would last only a few more days. Unaware that when I finally did learn the truth, the rage that erupted inside me would destroy the man I still loved with all my heart.