11.
I was pretty sure a bomb went off in my head. A tiny, tiny small bomb went off in my head and exploded on the backside of my brain, creating sharp shards of brain to stab every other part of inside my head. I rolled from my side and onto my back. Staring up into the wooden rafters above I noticed it was no longer the morning.
I slowly sat up in bed. The pain was agonizing but I managed. I pulled the comforter from me and planted my feet to the ground. There was a bucket of bloodied water on the ground complete with bloody rags hanging from it. I was extremely nauseous and took slow deep breaths trying to ward it off.
"I was wondering when you would get up."
Startled and with fierce pain, I quickly looked up in the direction the voice had come from. It was Paige and she was sitting in a chair in the corner of my dungeon. "How long you been sitting there?" I asked.
"Clive and Fitz brought you in last night. I called Dr. Cole, mainly because of my father's condition." She said.
I didn't move and I didn't change face. I did not feel bad for what I had done. In my mind it needed to be done. I raised my hand and drew it back and forth through my Afro hair, rubbing my head and trying to ease my pain. "And how is your father?" Not that I cared, but I at least had try to be compassionate about it.
"He's okay now, but you did quite a number on him. Nearly broke his nose and dislocated his jaw. He fractured his arm, and from punching you he also broke his hand. His arm is in a sling now, his nose is bandaged up, and he is crabbier than ever."
"So what's my damage report?" I slowly stood up from my bed and walked over to the sink, looking at myself in the mirror. I smiled at first, a big cheesy smile making sure that I had not lost any of my teeth. I was still wearing the clothes that I had worn last night; the shirt tattered and dirtied with blood. No teeth were missing, but my face was somewhat swollen and bruised. You could say I resembled one of the Ferengi from Star Trek.
"Besides being knocked out, you weathered the beating quite well. I apologize, but after tending and making sure my father was all right, I came back down here to make sure you are okay. Dr. Cole did accompany me and we found no signs of concussion. I treated your cuts with ointment, and force-fed you some aspirins." She simply said in her chair, wearing her usual overalls. Legs closed and arms folded in her lap.
"So my metal head survived, huh?" I turned the knob on the sink and begun to guzzle handfuls of water. Swishing and spitting out the blood that had collected in my mouth. I took the cool water and splashed it all over my face and behind my neck. "No offense babe, but your pops has a severe drinking problem."
"Not anymore." She replied.
I stopped what I was doing and slowly turned to her. "Ohh? How so?"
She was hesitant at first, but she fulfilled my question with an answer. "Well, when he got up this morning I told him what he did last night was completely unacceptable. I told him that if he took another drop of alcohol, I would call Paul Bishop right away and tell him that he was no longer suitable for this project."
"Ha!" I turned back to the sink. I slowly peeled off my bloodied tattered T-shirt, and tossed it to the ground. I grabbed the soap from the sink and a rag and began to clean myself as I usually did every morning. Well, it was the afternoon but still it had to be done. "So, training is all done, and apparently I am not out running my ass off, so what is everybody up to this wonderful afternoon?"
"Well, Fitz left this morning, he has a competition to go to this week."
I actually turned in disappointment and looked at Paige.
Her eyes shifted from the floor and caught my gaze. "Oh, don't worry he'll be back for your first fight."
I turned back to the sink and continued my cleansing. "And what of the other two boys?"
"Clive is upstairs, in his room playing video games and listening to music. And my father, well, he's just sulking around. In his mind he thinks he won the fight, but his wounds tell him differently. You definitely gave his ego a run, Lill."
I lathered the soap up and rubbed it all over my face. With the rag, I gave it a good scrubbing. "And what might the beautiful Miss Paige be doing this morning?"
"I fed the boys breakfast this morning. I tended and fed the animals. I was in and out of here periodically checking on you. Dr. Cole came down here and checked on you as well and gave you your shot." She never changed positions. Arms were still folded and lay upon her lap.
"So what is today?"
"Saturday."
"When is my first fight?" I had washed the lathered soap from my face, and began to clean my torso. Since I was with company, and did not remove my bra, but carefully cleansed underneath it.
"Next Saturday."
"When will you teach me the rules of floor?"
"Friday. Fitz will be back in, and we will go into the interrogation room and tell you what you need to know to survive. This sport," she raised her hands and made quotation marks with them, "is not regulated by anything. Rules are changing every day, and as soon as we get the new book, we will let you know."
"Ahh." I said. I grabbed a towel that was hanging from the metal towel hanging thingy, and dried my topside off. There was nothing left but my bottom side clean. I was not about to drop full trowel and clean myself in front of Paige. I turned around to face her and leaned up against the sink. "So what now, oh fearless leader?"
She looked at me and she smiled. "Well, since you have a week left, a free week I might add. And, by some terrible circumstance I must keep you separated from my father for a while? I thought perhaps, you could do your usual waking up at the butt crack of dawn, we'll go for a morning run and do some exercises to make sure you keep yourself on track. But afterward, you could help me tend the animals, perhaps and maybe take the horses out for a run."
I was excited. "No shit?"
"No shit." She said smiling.
Putting my explosive headache aside, I burst with a smile. Smiles were so difficult to come by these days, and I cherished that one so very much. Everything I had experienced thus far had been a new experience for me. Everyone was so used their daily grind. I was plucked from my daily grind and thrown into the madness of chaos.
The summer was long gone and fall was well into action. The summer days were cool and mild. It was something that I was not used to growing up the valley of the sun. I still had no idea where I was, but hoped that I still resided in the wonderful state of Arizona. The days grew cooler and shorter and I knew a year was almost upon me that I had been missing. I hadn't seen any TV for almost a year, but books provided my entertainment that kept me going. Then there was music. I was at least blessed with the wonderful sounds and sensations that music could vibrate in my ears. If I had to choose, I would choose blindness over deftness. In any situation if I was dead, no matter what, music would bring me back.
It was indisputably colder outside, and as the goose bumps rose upon my skin, I rushed back to my bed and covered myself in my comforter.
Paige slowly rose from her chair. "I'm going to fix lunch; I know you must be hungry."
I opened my eyes wide and slanted my head. "Fuck yes."
"I figured that." She said. "I'll get the boys taken care of, I'll bring down lunch, and we will take the horses out to play in the corral." She slowly began to walk up the stairs. "Besides, I got to leave, for I know you still have that underside to clean."
I smiled again, and I shouted as she left and locked my flap. "I look forward to it." Achingly I rose from my bed and walked to the sink once again. I peeled off my shorts, and began to clean myself down there. Almost a year had passed since I had a proper shower.
I was given a razor once a week to shave. After I had felt myself to be totally clean, I began to shave my legs and my underarms. Shaving dry was difficult, but I always wetted myself before I did so. I had always enjoyed smooth arms, and after the basics were shaved, I moved on to them.
Anticipation could not kill me anymore. As I waited for Paige and lunch, I dressed myself in some more warming apparel.
I pulled up my high socks, and my pants, followed by a blue shirt that said Goonies forever. Clean and fully clothed I sat back down on my bed. I could have remedied my boaredness with a book, but it decided to listen to the MP3 player and soak in some music.
I had one more week until my first fight. I kept thinking of Clive as he always asked me if I had a theme song yet. As of that moment, no. I wasn't in any kind of mood for any music genre. I was just looking for a theme song. I knew it had to be bold and strong. It was something that would explain my current position, and my feelings. I heard so many things that I liked, but nothing that would suit my mood. Then, I came across it. It was heavy metal. It stated if I had a problem with God, was the future to blame, for what I never became? Psycho, sexy, freak show. I was all of the above. The song was hard and it was harsh. I was down on my luck. They spoke of a new world in the song. My whole world was new. Excited, I knew it would be my song. Looking at the player, I caught the information. It was Sinisstar's Psychosexy that would define me in the world of hen fighting. I knew the whole song could not be played, but knew Clive had his way with editing music. As soon as I saw him, I would let him know that that would be my song. Now all I had to do was establish my fighting name.
It wasn't long until Paige brought me down a sandwich to eat. Ham and cheese with Mayo, and honey mustard. The sandwich was accompanied by a pickle, my favorite. The plate was garnished with salt and vinegar chips. Another favorite of mine. I inhaled the sandwich as Paige patiently waited sitting in the chair. All crumbs clear, I crumpled the disposable plate and tossed it into the trash can in my dungeon.
She rose from her chair. "All done Lill?"
"As ready as I will ever be." I said.
I followed her up the steps and out of my dungeon into the barn. The barn doors were all the way open, and the cool fall November air was flooding in. It was stuffy in my dungeon and always smelled of wet dirt, but the barn was much more different. The barn was clear and smelt of life, and of course horses. As I reached the top of the steps, I resided next to Paige's side. I waited for her signal, and examined all five horses.
"So," she said, "we are going to do it one horse at a time. You are to stay close to me, and learn. Understand?"
I uttered not one word, I just nodded.
Sebastian was first. She opened the gate to his stall, walked up to him slowly and placed her palm gently upon his cheek. He slowly followed her out. She slowly slipped a halter on him, and guided him out into the corral. I did not leave the barn, but I watched her as she took him to the corral and walked back.
"You got the idea?" She asked.
Once again I nodded.
I continued to watch, and she did the same thing with the four remaining horses. When she finally got Harlie into the corral, I finally left the barn.
It was now the late afternoon. The sun was in a deep luminescence orange. Even though the season had changed, the sun still put up a fight with its last cooling warmth. Though it was bright and sunny, I could still feel the cool briskness against my skin. I had no jacket so I rubbed my arms trying to generate warmth. I walked up to the corral, climbed the fence and sat there watching the five horses frolic.
At some point I lost myself watching Paige and the horses. I was mesmerized with her patients and sheer coolness. It perplexed my mind to think a beautiful creature such as herself could emerge from such a bastard of a man. But then I thought to myself, it wasn't the bastard man from whom she came from, but rather her mother. Still, it was still his seed which helped her creation. The only thing that I liked about Barrett, was that he brought Paige into the world.
It seemed I had forgotten all the pains of the world. I had forgotten the pains that I was suffering from currently. I sat there on the fence, hands grappling the wood for support. My mouth was open the whole time. Thinking of all the shit that Barrett must have put his daughter through, it was hard to fathom how she came out so well. In the back of my mind though, I could only think that even in destruction, beauty could still emerge. Barrett was a disaster, and Paige was a seed that grew into a beautiful flower.
Paige finally rose up to the fence with me. We sat there in silence and watched the horses as they enjoyed their time out. I was giddy with excitement and filled with butterflies at the thought of being able to ride one. I smiled and looked at her. Her hand lay next to mine, and I lifted my hand and placed it over hers. She looked at me smiling. She turned back to look at the horses, but she never took away her hand. We sat there for a while and said nothing. I just enjoyed so much the comfort of her touch.
It was a slow but quick process. Since I had grown up riding ATVs, I was used to distributing my weight. Paige was very patient with me. It took only three days before I was able to manage by myself. Horseback riding became my new favorite thing.
Wednesday had come, and by all means I was counting the days. Even though I had wonderful side activities, my mind never drifted from the task at hand. Every day I woke up, was a day closer that I was going to have to do something that I never wanted to do.
Wednesday morning I was up and dressed. I was dressed warmly, for the cold was definitely making its presence known. Paige had taught me well, as she always did. With both horses saddled, I mounted Nelly, and she Harlie. It was a day before Thanksgiving. Paige had given me one of her leather jackets to wear and I cherished it. She led, and I followed. Slowly but surely, with pure balance, I learned how to ride Nellie. Into the depths of trees, I followed Paige as she rode Harlie. It was our first excursion together. She took a loan path into the deep forest, and I followed.
Escape never failed to leave my mind, but no matter what, I stuck to Paige like glue. I was addicted to her. If I escaped, I never wanted her to suffer the repercussions.
We rode fast, and we trotted. I kept up, and I knew I was doing well for my skill set. Sitting up high, and holding the reins, I smiled to myself. Riding ATVs and then riding horses were two different beasts. I was so proud of learning how to ride a horse. Despite all the bullshit that I had been through, I so did cherish the moment.
Page stopped, and I strode up next to her and stopped as well. She looked at me. "Are you ready for this Lill?"
I just looked at her and smiled. "Go for it babe."
With a loud "He-Yah" Paige and Harlie were off in ablaze.
I gave Nelly a quick kick and shouted, "Let's go!" In no time we were off and trailing Paige in super speed.
Everything was so quick, the scenery, the trees just flooded by like a mesh of watercolors. The air was cool and it stung my eyes, sending teardrops, the tiny trails of tears escaping from the corners of my eyes.
The trail had turned into wash. Chasing her with Nellie we crawled out of the wash, back into some more trees. Paige came to an abrupt stop in an opening. I glided Nellie right up next to her. Paige dismounted and so did I.
It was the late afternoon, and the sun was not so much cascading through the leaves, but more than needles themselves. It had been forever since I was able to get out and listen to the world. The wind that rustling through the pines made a different chime then the wind rustling through the leaves. It was a low soft wispy sound. A sound that I enjoyed and missed. I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath. I exhaled and looked up toward the sky. The pines were swaying and the clouds were gradually growing darker and moving in.
I extended my arms and closed my eyes once again. I began to turn around in circles. I had lost sight of Paige, the horses, everything. My life was a concentration of madness, chaos. I was prone to depression, and then at that point I was having another breakdown.
The outside of me was built like a brick shit house. But the inside, the inside was mushy like mashed potatoes. The firewall I had built my whole life seemed to be quickly degrading. My whole life I had tried very hard to keep feelings like that from pouring out. I didn't want people to see my weaknesses. At that point I thought I only had two choices, release the pain with a good cry, or explode and maybe get somebody killed.
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I fell to my knees in a heap. I planted my hands onto the ground and tried to grab up as much earth as possible. In an instant, Paige had planted herself in front of me.
With tears streaming down my cheeks I asked her, "what the fuck am I?"
She took both of her hands, and placed them upon my cheeks. Using her thumbs she wiped away my tears. She leaned in closer and placed her forehead upon mine. "Lillian, I know this is so very difficult for you, and I have absolutely no idea what you are going through. I am so very sorry for your pain."
"Jesus Christ lady, you sound like you're writing in a sympathy card for a dead person." I let it out in between sobs.
I took my hands from the earth, lifted them and wrapped them around her wrists. Her body was so close to mine, and I wanted nothing more than to be so close to her.
Doubt was flooding my mind, I was so scared. Time was running out. The time was coming and I would have to hurt another person. I had two days left. Two days. I felt as if I were already a beast, but come two days, I would be a monster. After that, I knew there would be no salvation for me. There was no justification for what I was going to have to do. It was going to be just me, another woman, our lives in the balance, and a bunch of rich douche bags betting on it.
I was falling to pieces, and Paige was close by trying to hold me together. Without words, she felt my thoughts beaming through to her. We were still locked. Her hands were upon my face, and my hands grasped upon her wrists.
It was a quick and swift movement upon her part. Her lips met mine so softly. I stood my position but she pulled back. My eyes never left her gaze. Brown, beautiful brown eyes. She moved in quickly, her lips pressed against mine, fiercer.
I received her with passion. I wanted her to know that I wanted her. Her lips, all over mine, her tongue, caressing mine. I took my hands and lowered them to her waist. I held her closely, and she pushed me to the ground getting in between my legs. Still kissing, her left hand firmly planted on to the earth, and her right one feeling the contours of my body.
I was lying upon the earth now, and Paige was on top of me. She rose, straddled me between her legs. She grabbed both of my hands and raised them above my head, slowly bending down to my face. I was taken aback by her beauty, and totally turned on by the fact that she wanted to be dominant. She leaned in closer, and placed a softer kiss upon my lips. She then kissed my four head.
I did not know what, but I saw something calculate into her head. She swiftly got up from me, and extended her hand to help me get up. I accepted it and she helped raise me to my feet.
"What's wrong?" I said with concerned eyes.
Her complexion had changed from a plushy pink to a pale white. Her eyes would not meet mine, but she replied, "nothing, it's nothing. It's growing dark, we should go back."
I was not a professional on the subject but, perhaps she was feeling a touch of Stockholm syndrome. The reverse type perhaps. I liked Paige, I really did. There was no doubt in my mind that I felt something for her to. What we just shared, would tear a hole in my heart forever, because I knew that it could never be real.
It was a slow trot back to the house. Both of us were silent the whole way. I always enjoyed how you could see the clouds at night. Their wonderful purplish hue always giving off their location.