10.
I could feel the comforts of sleep. I could feel that I was in a deep sleep. I had forgotten where I was, or what I had been through. All I knew is that I felt good. Neatly wrapped in my comforter like a burrito, I could smell the cool crisp morning air. I had forgotten all worries and woes, and enjoyed my sleep. It wasn't until I felt something cold pressing up against my nose, that I opened my eyes. It was a gun. It was a semi-automatic pistol pointed right between my eyes. In an instant, I jolted up in my bed only to be greeted by Clive Dross.
"Easy girl, you don want to do no sudden movements." His straight face turned into a sly smile. "I don want to have to re-arrange yo face."
No quick movement on my part. I slowly raised my hands and crawled out of bed. I looked at myself from toe on up and realized that I had fallen asleep with my clothes on. Good, at least he did not catch me in a compromising moment.
With my hands raised, I slowly turned around so that my back faced Clive. I assumed the position and waited for chains and a head bag. I heard the unlocking sound of the chains. Clive came around and removed the metal cuffs from my writs, but no bag was placed over my head. I felt the gun rub behind my back. Clive put his hand on my shoulder.
"Walk." Was all that he said. Unchained and my eyes free, we slowly ascended the staircase. It was a brief moment, but I took a look around the barn. The middle of the barn was clear, and there was a stack of hay at the end of the wall. There were five stalls, three to my right, and two to my left. All of which contained horses. One dark brown horse with a white patch on its forehead. Next to it was just a plain brown horse, and then a black horse with brown accents all over its body. To the far left there was a black horse with a white a white stripe on its head, and next to it was a complete white horse. I smiled, and took a deep breath. I gained the next level of trust. No chains and no bag.
As we emerged from the barn doors, I was struck by an explosion of spring. The whistling of birds and the smell of blossoms greeted my nose. The farm was green and bursting with life. With my hands still raised, and Clive holding the gun to my back, we slowly made our way to the house. Every moment of the outside beauty I tried to grasp and hold on in my mind. Keeping those moments will definitely help keep me going.
We finally reached the house, and with the gun now pointed at my head, Clive opened the door. As the door swung open, I was greeted with the warming smell of breakfast. The comfort of warmed coffee, and the beauty of an older house with history greeted me. We entered the kitchen, and sat at a table where Barrett was residing.
Barrett had nothing more than a cup of coffee lying in front of him. He sat at the table with his elbows upon it; his beard had not been shaved in a couple of days. His cold beady eyes lay on me since I entered the room. Clive sat me down in the chair across from Barrett, and took a chair himself on my left side.
I sat gracefully, and made eye contact Barrett. My breathing became quite heavy. The room was filled with homey smells, but yet I still felt uneasy.
The room d?cor consisted of farm animals. There was rooster and cow wallpaper, rooster salt-and-pepper shakers, and a container holding creamer that consisted of cow spots, all topped off to what appeared to be a hammock containing bananas. The kitchen/dining room, I thought were perfect in every way. The dining room table rested near two walls that consisted of Windows. The sun was beaming through both of them. Even though the sink and kitchen counters were up against the wall, they were still able to soak up the beauty from the morning sun oozing from the Windows.
Barrett took a sip of his coffee. "Are you hungry kid?"
I hesitated. "Yes sir."
"Good." He said. "Today you begin your training. Today is the day that you start to learn how to survive." He took another sip of his coffee and then called out for Paige.
Paige emerged from another room, and as she entered she gave me a little smile. I looked at her briefly, but let my eyes reside on my palms that were resting on the kitchen table. While Paige was gathering up remnants of breakfast for me and Clive, I examined my wrists. There were multiple scars on both of them. A reminder of the first night I was brought. The scars were a reminder of what I had been through, and the pain that I was going to go through. As Paige set a plate of food in front of me, I inhaled it.
She gracefully walked over and dropped off a plate for Clive, and looked at me. While scarfing down my food she asked, "Coffee?"
I barely came up for air. "Yes, please."
"Cream, and or sugar?"
"Both, please."
"Wow, you sure don't waste time taking advantage of that hospitality do you?" Barrett said looking at me with eyes narrowed. Clive chuckled from the other side of the table.
I stopped eating, put my fork and knife back on the table, and slowly raised my head to meet Barrett's eyes. "I so do apologize, if you disapprove Sir." I made sure I emphasize the Sir. "You see, I'm new at this whole kidnapping thing, and I'm just trying to find my place."
Barrett just started to laugh. "Smart ass?"
"Dad?" I heard Paige's voice from the other side of the kitchen.
Paige brought Barrett some toast and butter. As Barrett buttered his toast, I could not help but imagine me swiftly reaching across the table and shoving the butter knife to Barrett's throat. Blood would explode everywhere. I had proceeded to take my middle and index finger and shove them through Clive's eye sockets. More blood, it was like a blood fountain. My thoughts swiftly dissipated as I turned to Paige. There was nothing that I wanted to do her. I could not bear to hurt her.
"Kid, you thought of a name yet?"
Awakening from my daydream, I turned to Barrett who was chewing a piece of toast.
"A what?"
"A nickname, you know something that we can call you on the killing floor. I'm not going introduce you as Lillian Cross."
"Killing floor?"
"It is the name of the so-called ring you will be fighting in." Paige butted in.
The killing floor, sounded so distraught and disgusting. I did not want to even think about it. I couldn't even imagine of thinking up a so-called alias that I would use to kill other women. I tried to put the thought into the back of my head. "Let's just think of it as we go."
"Don forget about a theme song." Clive's voice chimed out.
"A what?" I slowly turned to look at Clive, who had swiftly cleaned his plate, and was now slowly sipping his coffee.
He took the mug from his lips, slowly turned his head to look at me. His face was battered with the early morning, and he too looked like he had not shaved for days. "Every girl has one. A song, to help set da mood of ass whooping." He raised his arms still looking at me. "You know, a song to let da crowd get to know ya."
I just shook my head disapproving of the whole thing. "Look guys, let's just get to that point, and I will think of something." It was insane. I was kidnapped, beaten, undergone an experimental procedure, and there I was, having a normal breakfast and conversation, with the very people that conspired it all... Where was I, la la land?
"Fair enough," Barrett said as he was finishing off the last drop of this coffee. He got up quickly, and slammed both his hands down on the table. He looked directly into my eyes. "Time for training kid. Time to make you into a monster." With that, Barrett looked directly at Clive, who then got up as well. Barrett made his way to the door, and Clive followed.
As they both exited, I got up as well. As I opened the door to the outside, I took one last look at Paige. "I'll see you later?"
She smiled while washing dishes. "Sure thing, later perhaps."
I smiled, and pushed myself out the door. A new frontier to conquer; my life had done a complete 360. It was a new set of rules and structure, new disciplines, and new daily routines. It seemed as if my old life was fading away. At that point, I barely remembered it at all. The one thing that never left my mind was my mother. God save her, God save me, and God save those souls that I was about to harm.
As I opened the door to the outside, I felt t
he warm sun, and the spring day envelop my soul. Before I took the last step into the grass, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could not help but to admire the seasons, to which were ever I was being held. With my head pointed up, and my eyes closed, I slowly opened them. I was greeted by blue skies and wispy clouds. Inhaling the energy of the world, I felt the warm sun as it penetrated my skin, and the crisp spring air as it filled my lungs. I closed my eyes once again, and slowly lowered my head. As I opened my eyes, I was greeted again by Barrett. He was only a few feet out, gun drawn and pointed at my head. My heart sank as I knew that training had begun. Barrett, followed by Clive, led me into the horses corral.
I walked up to him ever so close. I walked up to Barrett, and let the gun rest upon my four head. He looked at me and smiled, "run bitch, run." With a sly smile, he stepped back a couple feet, gun still pointed at my head.
After all I had been through; I knew he was not going to shoot me. No matter what, I knew it was my mother's life that lay in his hands, as well as mine. I turned from Barrett, and started to run. I ran from the middle the corral to the edge of the fence. I started to run in a counterclockwise motion.
It had not been many minutes before my run became a jog. I hated running, and I hated jogging of any sorts. Those were definitely not my strong points. I remembered in high school, it took me at least 16 minutes to finish the mile. I did not know how long I had been jogging, before I finally stopped and bent over. I placed my palms upon my knees and started huffing profusely. My mouth was dry, and thick with heavy saliva. In between every other huff I spit into the green grasses beneath my feet.
In the corner of my eye I saw Barrett walk up to me, with Clive in tow. "Kid, are you fucking serious right now?" He bent down as well to become at eye level with me. "It's been one fucking half-hour? This is seriously all you have for stamina?"
I continued to huff and puff, and raised myself up. Barrett followed me as I did. "Dude, seriously running is not my thing. Not to mention, I also have extra pounds of metal in my ass."
"Well, I am going to tell you this, running is a big part of this exercise regime... You are going to barf a lot today. But I'll go easy on you and not beat your ass every time you stop. But tomorrow, tomorrow you better fuckin straighten up, because I will beat your ass."
It was a straight out threat, and I knew he was serious. I wiped the sweat from my brow, and continued to jog.
It had to have been at least in the upper 60s that day. No matter what, I was sweating like a pig. There was an ice chest placed by the gate of the horse corral. It was filled with beer and bottled water. Clive and Barrett were of course guzzling down the beer, and after every half-hour of strenuous jogging, I was allowed a bottle of water. I chugged it down like there was no tomorrow. There was a fifteen minute rest, in which I sat down to let my legs settle. Afterward, I had to run. After I guzzled down too much water, I threw up. My mouth was dry, and my mind was delirious. I threw up many times throughout the day. I hated running. I began to hum a song that comforted me in times of despair. It was Slide by the Goo Goo dolls. Barrett and Clive just laughed at me as I began to sing it out loud. I hoped maybe the next day, I could negotiate bringing the MP3 player out for the work out.
It had to have been at least the late afternoon when I started to feel my bones ache. I could feel the implants inside my body rubbing up against my skin, chafing on the inside of my body. The feeling was becoming extremely irritating. After every step, I began to slow down more and more. The pain became too excruciating and I stopped running. I fell to my knees, and placed the palms of my hands into the soft grass of the horses corral. I threw up.
In an instant Barrett was by my side, gun drawn. Barrett knelt down, and put the gun to my temple. I could smell the beer on his breath. He was drunk. "What's wrong bitch, why did you stop running?"
With my eyes closed, I drew deep breaths and slowly exhaled. The pain was all throughout my body. I could barely move, my body had totally seized up. "Too much pain, too much God damn pain." It was the late afternoon, and the sun was slowly fading down the horizon. The birds chirping had stopped for they were all nesting for the night. The crickets began to serenade us.
"To God damn bad. Get your ass up and start running bitch." Barrett kicked me in my side, and I doubled over in pain.
"I can't?"I laid there on my side. I was completely immobilized by my pain. The unfortunate part was Barrett was too drunk to realize my situation. I needed a miracle to get me out of it. Clive had left some time earlier in the afternoon, so it was just me and drunken ass Barrett.
"I give you one more chance to get your ass up, or I'm going to shoot you in the leg." Barrett's voice was slurring and heavy with beer.
I tried my very best to get up, but every movement felt as if I was being stung by a thousand bees. Without warning, I heard the gun go off. The birds flew from their nighttime nests like cockroaches hiding from the light. The bullet ricocheted right by my head, creating a tiny dirt explosion. Shards of lead flew everywhere, and I could feel a few that pierced my body. Instinctively I covered my head with my arms. I threw myself into the fetal position and waited for the next shot.
"Father!"
I opened myself up from the fetal position and looked up. It was Paige, who is standing at the opening of the horse corral. I could barely see the contours of her face in the dimness of the light, but I knew she was looking at Barrett.
He lowered his gun. It was strange how one word could turn off his crazy switch. Barrett holstered the .45 semiautomatic and left the horse corral. No words were spoken; Paige's eyes just followed him as he disappeared into the house.
I was laying on my right side with my legs crossed and my right arm propping up my head. I was waiting for Paige. The sun had completely gone down by now. Evening smells began to fill the air. Because I was able to settle, I picked up the dinner smells from the house. I could mostly pick up garlic bread, and my mouth watered.
Her two blue jean overall legs and converse wearing feet slowly came to rest in front of my sight. I looked up at her casually, smiling.
"I'm sorry about that, my father." She said.
"Oh, no worries? I suppose that is the hazards of the job these days."
Paige smiled. "Can you get up?" She asked.
I tried to move around a little bit. There was pain in all parts of my body. I got to my knees, and with Paige's help, she rose me to my feet.
"Do you need help walking or moving?"
I took a few steps, and though they were quite painful, I felt I was able enough to move on my own. "No Paige, walking assistance will not be necessary, but thank you."
"So?" She hesitated. "Considering tonight's events, I assume you will not be joining us for dinner?"
I didn't think she saw it, though my eyes grew big. "Yeah, that will be a big negatory on that one, but thanks for the offer." I did relieve myself with a smile. It was the perfect spring night. The temperature was just kosher. Inhaling the night's air was almost like a drug. The moon was full, and showering us with its lunar magnificence. Oh how the moon so would light up another person's face. It made it almost look so magical. I wanted so badly to take Paige into my arms, and have her dance with me. We would dance throughout the night. We would dance until the early mornings light. The sun would rise, and it would reflect off of those beautiful brown eyes like gems.
"Lillian, will you join me to the barn?" She asked.
I smiled. "With pleasure." I said.
With that she extended her arm, and I entwined it with mine. We both walked slowly to the barn.
The full moon sent cascading shadows all over the place. I slowly limped, and Paige kept my pace. "Yeah so, you might want to get with Dr. Cole and make that cocktail a little bit stronger."
"How so?" She asked.
"Well? Everything was okay at first, but? I started to get a lot of chafing. Everything started to itch, and then everything started to get real painful." I replied.
"Thank yo
u for letting me know about that Lillian. I'll get with Dr. Cole in the morning and let him know of the problems."
As we reached the barn, Paige pulled opened the doors. The lights were on, and we walked in.
I inhaled deeply the smells of the barn. I felt the five life forces of the horses, and tried to soak in their energy. I looked to Paige and asked, "What are their names?"
She looked at me smiling. "Well?" She walked up to the dark Brown horse with white patch on its head. "This is Sebastian." Her shadow followed her as she walked over to the stall with the plain Brown horse. "This is Stalin."
I cocked my eyebrow and smiled. "Dude, seriously?"
She smiled back at me. "Dude, yes seriously. I believe my father named this one."
I shook my head and smiled. Totally, typical Barrett.
Paige strolled over to the stall with the black horse with the brown accents. "This beautiful girl is Nellie."
"Nellie huh?" I looked at Paige, eyebrows raised and smile ablaze. I had never seen a black horse that had a brown muzzle, and little brown spots under the eyes. The under carriage was lightly browned as well. It reminded me of a black and tan Miniature Pincer.
She continued her short stroll to the stall housing in the black horse with the white stripe. "This black beauty is Karma."
"Karma, that strange?"
"How so?"
"Well?" I said. "I once had a dog named Karma. The only reason I named her that was because she was a bitch, and you know that saying, Karma is a bitch and will bite you in the ass?"
"So that is the name of the dog that bit you." She said
"I told you this already?"
"Yes, remember when I was asking you about your medical history, and I asked you about when you had spent that day in the ER?"
I sat there for a moment and scratched my head. I did vaguely remember that conversation. I remember also that I was really out of it. It was cute though that she remembered that moment. "Strange that you would remember that."
Paige let out a little giggle, hooked her thumbs into the upper straps of her overalls, smiling she casually walked over to the stall with the white horse. "This is Harlie."
"Harley like the Davidson?"
"No, Harlie as in the girl Harlie." She walked up to the stall and extended her arm. The beautiful white horse known as Harlie walked up to her and nuzzled her palm.
"I assume that one would be your horse?"
She let out a short laugh. "Well, I do love them all, but Harlie is the only one that shows much personality." She looked at me and smiled. "So which one do you like?"
"Without a doubt, Nellie"
"Why?" She asked.
I mashed my lips together into a slight frown that turned into a smile. "Well for one, I love the colors. She seems to be the independent horse, she's been staring at me the whole time since I've came in here." I folded my arms together walked closer to Nellie's stall. She came from the corner of the stall and walked up to me. I extended my arms and she began to nuzzle my hands. "And, she seems to know exactly who is big pimping in here." I gave her big kiss on her nose and looked back at Paige.
I stood for a moment and watched Paige as she bonded with her horse. It was getting cooler out, and I could feel the girls in full salute, not to mention my stomach was growling as well. I cleared my throat loudly, and began to speak. "And over here in this stall?" I walked over to the stairs leading down to my dungeon and motioned with my hands. "We have the Caucasian horse named Lillian."
Paige turned to me and let out a low giggle. "And I suppose that is your way of letting me know that you are cold and hungry."
I shot out my right arm extending my index finger. "Bingo!" I said sarcastically.
She left Harlie the horse and walked down the small stepped corridor that led to my simple wooden room of solitude with me. There was enough light cascading from the above barn that she could use to negotiate about the room to find the lamp to turn it on and illuminate the dungeon.
I looked at the lamp that was perched upon the newly placed armoire, old as hell I might add, the armoire that was. Either way I was grateful to have something to hold my clothes, or at least I could have a clean pair of undies when I needed it. I turned to Paige and smiled. "Ahhh, for me? You shouldn't have. When did you have time to toss it down here?"
"While you were getting the shit ran out of you." She said smiling. "Clive helped me bring it down."
"Ahhhh." I said. "So that's why he made a disappearing act."
Smiling, I tossed myself like a limp sac potatoes onto the bed. I was tired and I was worn out.
There was silence, and Paige momentarily looked about the room, as if she was lost somewhere, and or someplace. She finally came to and regained her focus on me. "I will go get you something to eat. Get comfortable, and I will be right back Lillian." Paige ascended up the stairs, closed the wooden flap and locked it.
I sat there chainless on my bed. I looked at the metal eye loop that was bolted to the wooden floor that only half a day ago I was trying so severely to unscrew. Unscrew it to buy me my freedom. I looked at the chains that lay motionless and unused in the corner of the room. I thought to myself that there was only one small locked wooden flap that was keeping me from my freedom and the health of my mother. If I was built like a so-called brick shithouse, then I would have no problems punching open the wooden door. I stood up, and prepped myself to charge. I canceled the thought. I sat back down. Paige was to return soon with my food. I didn't have enough time to bail. Escape disappeared from my mind. Besides that, I was now dependent on an injection that I was sure was not sold at the local Walgreens. Unbound, I stared at the ceiling lying on my bed. I took slow deep relaxing breaths. I tried to inhale comfort, and exhale the pain. My eyes closed, and I soon sought slumber.
I couldn't tell if it was a dream, or rather a thought. The endless thumping my feet and legs went through were sending a strange pulsating heart beat up my spine. I had of course passed out without covers, and felt the cool air as it would wisp across my arms creating goose bumps throughout my body.
I was thrown back out into the horses corral. The blades of grass which inhabited the not so big circular area, became bigger and bigger. I, being held down by pounds of metal or the so-called silicate glass as they called it, unbalanced, was trying my hardest not to run into the oversized blades of grass. Barrett, of course was there with his oversized gun pointed into my backside. Pulling the trigger, he sent round after round of lead into my backside meat. Each impact created a fleshy ripple throughout my back. Each impact created a hole the size of a quarter which oozed out blood. Like an hourglass relieving itself of sand, I relieved myself of blood, and so-called mind. As soon as I lost life, I felt falling.
As usual, with any dying dream, I bolted up in bed, breathing heavily. I tried to put grasp upon reality, and once again needed a moment to figure out where I really was. As soon as orientation was gained, my breathing once again resided to a much slower pace. In a paralyzed state, the wooden flap was unlocked, then opened, and Paige slowly emerged with a plate of food in her hands.
I sat cross-legged on my bed, and Paige handed me the plate of warm food. With shaky hands I picked up the fork.
"Are you okay?" She said.
"Yes." I said. "I just had a bad dream."
"Seriously? I have only been away for about 10 minutes."
There was a warm plate of spaghetti in front of me. Meatballs galore. I took my fork and started to twist noodles upon it. Fork loaded, I looked up at Paige. "Yeah, they happen that fast."
"What are they about?"
I shoved the forkful of food into my mouth, and chewed it quickly. Swallowing, I answered. "Past, the present, and death. I am the kind of person that keeps track of my dreams. I don't usually dream about people until I've known them for a while. Barrett was just in my last dream, and it was not so pleasant."
"I was only away for 10 minutes."
Chewing again, I shook my head and let a few
words escape. "I know. That's why I can't tell if it was thought or dream. No worries babe. It is done, and I am over it."
"Babe?" She looked at me sideways with half a smile.
With another mouthful, chewing, I shook my head and looked up at her. "Sorry, something I call people when I get to know them better."
"So you know me better, huh?"
Laying the plate into my lap, I extended and shook my arms while cocking my brow. "Lady, please? Did you not just spend the last four months of your life caring for me? Changing my bandages, sponge bathing me, changing out my piss bag?" The statement was left with a cheesy smile from my face.
"How you know it's been four months?"
"Well, lucky guess I spose? It's snowing, you put me down, and I wake up to more snow that slowly melts away and light patches of grass start popping up here and there." I raised my right arm and placed my index and middle finger upon my lips taping lightly. "One with intelligence can only guess." I smiled, trying so hard to be a smart ass.
"Smart ass achievement awarded Lillian."
I smiled. My plate was nearly cleared by now, and I lifted it consuming every last bit into my mouth. I rose quickly from my bed, and handed the plate Paige. Never did I leave eye contact. "Your dish my love."
Taking the plate into her hands, she never left my eye contact. "Get some rest Lillian, for as the day's progress and the sun rises earlier and earlier, I assure you, my father makes no hesitation to wake up when he hears that rooster call."
"Duly noted." I said.
With a twist, she turned with the plate in hand. On her way up the stairs she said, "good night Lillian. May sweet dreams bless you."
My mind was blank. All I had drifting in the short threads of my mind was Paige. As they say, curiosity killed the cat. I believed that curiosity would most definitely get the best of me. As I was once again left alone in the lower bowels of my dungeon, I appreciated the slight luminescence that my new lamp was giving off, that now inhibited my older generation armoire. With curiosity, I rose from my bed and walked to it. I opened the top drawer, only to be pleasantly surprised by its contents. Books. It was filled with books. Nora Roberts, Nicholas Evans, Ken Follet, and Laurel K Hamilton. All of my favorites. I smiled thinking to myself, Paige was doing her homework. I remembered the first novel that had I ever received. For Christmas, my mother had given me the Horse Whisper by Nicholas Evans. After that, I was hooked on reading, and could not get enough.
I picked up Guilty Pleasures by Laurel K Hamilton. I had read the book many years ago in high school. I thought it was a good time to reconnect with it. I took the book back to my bed and lay down and started to read. The first time when I had read the book, was a different time. Now, in this time, I took much comfort in reading it. I switched the pillow to the other side of my bed, so that I would catch the light from the lamp that was perched upon my armoire. I nestled myself into my comforter. The room was so old and rustic; the sounds of the midnight air came rushing in. There were no distractions; it was just me and my book. No TV, no sounds from traffic, no wrestling and noises from the apartment above, just me and my book. Well, a few light slams from the horses above, but I didn't mind it at all. At least I had some company.
Reading about a small 5"2 Hispanic women with abilities to raise, and slay the dead would give me some sort of hope. I knew the book was fictitious, but considering the circumstances I felt I needed something to push me. Either way, I felt my life was somewhat fictitious at the moment as well. I read on throughout the night, and cleared many chapters. I knew the morning would be an early one, but when one's life contained so little, their focus becomes even more so, severe.
It wasn't too long until the lights in the barn were shut off. The white lights were no longer seeping through the cracks of my lonely dungeon. The only light that was cascading illumination to my book was the lonely dusty lamp that lay perched upon my old armoire. With the crickets serenade, I soon slowly closed my eyes and fell to sleep. Dreams did not haunt me, for that I was grateful.
For the next couple of weeks the routine was the same. Barrett would fetch me at the butt crack of dawn. Paige would cook breakfast for Barrett, Clive, and I, and after eating my protein enhanced meal, I was shoved out the door to run until my legs fell off.
Running was never an easy thing for me, thus creating a daily, all day run seemed quite difficult. It took about a week to adjust. It wasn't until then did I see and feel actual changes. They were slow gradual changes, but I knew they were there. By the end of a couple of weeks, my stamina was up. I was able to run all day. I was actually very proud of myself. I would have never thought that running would be one of my strong points, and there I was running ever so quickly.
As we grew closer to the end of spring and the beginning of the hot summer, the days grew longer. The bugs became thicker, and the leaves on the trees, or fur as I call it, became thicker dragging down the lighter branches. The sun had already disappeared over the horizon. There was nothing left but the blue indigo sky. The cool night's breeze had set in and it whisked the dinner smells coming from out of the house into motion.
Barrett blew the whistle. A whistle blown was either an indication for break time, or for the end of day. Since the sun was below the horizon, I knew it was the end of the day. I came to an abrupt stop, leaning over and placing my hands upon my kneecaps. Huffing and puffing I pulled the ear buds from my ears and shut down my MP3 player. Barrett slowly walked up to me. His dark silhouette was becoming clearer as he walked towards me; His face becoming more apparent as he walked into the light that was beaming from the house.
"Kid, this marks the end of your running days. You have passed of the first test." He leaned down to level his head with mine and said, "Let's go get some grub, because you've earned it."
I couldn't help but smile to myself as I caught my breath. Regaining my strength, I followed Barrett into the house smelling grilled steaks and home-cooked goodness as I walked closer.
As I reached the entrance to the kitchen, Clive was manning the grill at the back of the house. As I followed Barrett in, I stopped and watched Clive as he pulled the cooked beef from the grill and placed them on a plate. My mouth was watering. A grilled steak was a rare occasion. The last time I was blessed with the melt in your mouth flavors was the first time I was able to run a day without stopping. Well, breaks included though.
The smells that inhabited the air reminded me of a simpler time. It reminded me of a time when my family was a whole. It was the late summer nights, when I spent my time in the backyard rolling around in the grass and watching my father as he manned the grill. My mother would be inside making the side dishes. The end result would be a delicious meal with my mom, my dad, and of course my only sibling, my sister.
It was a strange feeling that I got when I sat down at the dinner table. A strange feeling indeed. Clive came in from the outside holding the plate of freshly grilled steaks. He handed them off to Paige and took his seat at the end of the table on my left side. Barrett, who was already seated when I came in, sat at the end the table to my right side. Paige as usual ran the kitchen. She brought Barrett a plate, then Clive, and then dropped the plate of steak, cut broccoli and carrots, and baked potato loaded with sour cream and cheese in front of me. As Clive and Barrett dug into their plates, I had made it a habit to wait for Paige to sit down and to start eating before I dug into to mine.
Such a strange family I thought to myself, if they were even a family at all. Barrett was a thickheaded man with the attention span of a TNT stick; he could go off at any damn moment. Clive, now Clive was a different story. His body type explained exactly what was going off in his head. Big, dumb, stupid, and slow. It reminded me of those little sticky hands that you buy out of the $.25 machines. How you would toss them onto windows and walls and how they would slowly crawl down. That would be my only explanation for Clive. But then there was Paige. She was a kind and attentive woman. She was a woman who was intelligent and cared about many
things. She was a woman whom only by circumstance was caught into all of the Bullshit.
Finally, when all of us sat down, we commenced eating our meals. Well, the two boys were already at least knee-deep into theirs. I waited though; I waited for Paige until she took her first mouthful. When she chewed her first bite, I then began to cut my steak letting the bloody flesh ooze onto my plate. The pinkness of the steak sent a tingling sense of pleasure up my spine as I pierced the first piece with my fork and brought it to my mouth chewing with great satisfaction. Paige had a way with marinating meat. I savored every piece. I had to give props to Clive though for grilling the steaks to perfection. It was the little things that brought satisfaction and ease to my mind. As I began to drift into the flavor that my meat was giving off, I barely caught the words that Barrett began to speak.
"Tomorrow kid, tomorrow is the day of your fighting basics. Fitz will be your new trainer. He will train you in many forms of battle, and he will train you on how to defend yourself."
"You find yourself a new nickname yet Lill?" Clive asked from my left.
With a chunk of meat on my fork, I slowly turned to Clive. I turned back to my plate and put the meat in my mouth and began to chew. Clearing the chunk I spoke, "nothing yet Clive, nothing yet."
As the meals were finished, Clive and Barrett left to go do whatever it was that they did at night. With my plate cleared, I waited patiently for Paige to finish her meal. As soon as she got up and began to pick up plates, I got up as well and help to clear the table. It was a nice little habit that I was getting myself into. I helped Paige with dishes. She'd wash, and I would dry and put away. I looked forward to my evenings with Paige. As soon as the dishes were done, and the kitchen was clean, it was time for Paige to walk me back to my dungeon.
It was about a five minute walk, but I did cherish every moment of it. Purposely we would walk slowly. In that five minutes time, I would try to go over so many topics with her. I wanted to know so badly who she was, what her pet peeves were, turn-ons, whatever. Paige had so much life to her, but was so unwilling to expose the feelings that she felt inside. As I became closer to her, I felt it my duty to uncover those feelings. For some reason I was brought there. For some reason she was put into my life. I felt we had become good friends and begin to click.
On our walk back to my wooden hole though, I was somewhat short of words. The evening was crisp, clear, and cool. Crickets were playing their song with their wonderful chirps. The grass we walked upon was sending delicate crunching sounds into the evening air. There was so much I wanted to say to her, but just could not get it out.
As we entered the barn and came to the last stop before she departed, I walked down a few steps and turned to look at her. "So, thanks for the evening. Can I invite you in for a cup of coffee?" I said with a sly smile.
Paige just laughed. "Thank you." She said. "But not tonight. Some other time maybe?"
With that she was gone. The flap was shut and locked, and it was once again just me, my books, and my MP3 player that I pulled from my pocket. With the faded light that was peeking through the upper cracks of my wooden hole, I guided myself to my armoire and turned on my lamp. Its yellowing luminescence lit up the cold dark underground room. I sat down on my bed, and let out a big sigh. I was in no mood for reading. I popped the ear buds from my player into my ears, and hoped that the first song that I heard was a beautiful but sad song. It was. It was a piano solo by Philip glass, one of my favorite composers. I was to worn out to put on pajamas. I laid myself into bed, and let the beautiful music roll into my soul. I stared off into the old decrepit wooden rafters above me. I let the music take me. I slowly closed my eyes. I thought to myself, if this was death, then it was a beautiful thing. Note by note, I slowly let the music take me. My eyes were heavy and my body was weak. My breathing was slow and consistent. In the end, the only constant that remained was the echoing from the pianos.
The evening had dissipated quickly. I slumbered throughout the night with the same song playing over and over again in my head. As I came out of my deep slumber, I could hear as the early morning light woke every creature close in the area. I heard the horses rustling in the barn above, and once again the roosters call. Knowing that it would be a short time before somebody summoned me for my next part in training, I slowly raised myself from my bed. I was still in the clothes that I was wearing the night before. I walked over to my armoire and opened up the drawer. I had very few choices to choose from. At that point, the only thing that I really needed to change was at least my underwear and my socks. I quickly pulled off my socks and my loose-fitting shorts, rolled down my underwear's and shot them into the hamper. I pulled off my socks and dropped them in the hamper as well. I pulled out a fresh pair of undies and socks and gave myself a little bit of more comfort for the day. I raised my right arm and smelled underneath it. The sweaty armpit smell made me wince.
Showers, in my current position, were too damned far apart. I went from taking showers once a day, to absolutely no showers. I was constantly disgusted with myself. I was the kind of person that when I sweated, I smelled like shit. There was a sink in my room though, and a bar soap. I made it a habit to try to wake up early and at least give myself some sort of a bath.
I stood there by the sink, in just my socks, undies and bra. I took the sliver of soap that was diminishing so quickly and lathered it up. I made sure to get behind my neck, behind my ears, and most definitely my underarms. I so severely wanted to wash my private parts, but the risk of not washing out the soap thoroughly, and the stinging afterword stopped me from doing it.
After I was done washing what I could wash, I took a wad of toilet paper and rinsed it in the sink. I then pulled down my undies, sat on the toilet and used the wad of moist toilet paper to somewhat clean my under parts. I had to be careful though, not to leave any dingle berries in my special area.
This cleaning process had become part of my daily regime. And as I felt 50% cleaner, I waited for my escort to come get me, feed me, and take me to my second part of training. Fitz, here I come!
I sat back down on my bed awaiting retrieval. It wasn't soon after that, until the above came to life and Clive walked into my dungeon. Without hesitation I ascended with him, my usual routine. I followed him from out of the barn and into the kitchen of the house.
We sat there, Paige, Clive, Barrett and I in silence. Slowly we consumed the food off of our dishes. Clive and Barrett finished first of course. I had consumed a majority of my plate. Clive and Barrett, finishing off the last bit of their coffee, stood up. I, watching Paige as she so elegantly ate, slowly stood up as well. I knew that it was them who would take me to my next step.
Following Barrett and Clive, we slowly descended into the underbellies of the house. Counting the steps, I knew this was the place where they had first taken me and questioned me. We went through a steel door and entered a room filled with a cement floor. The smell hit my nose and sent scary tingles up my back. It was the room in which the first night I was brought, that I was brutally beaten.
I remembered it well. I took my right hand and slid through my shorts and felt the scar that lay upon my right thigh. PB. Paul Bishop was the man that now owned me, and controlled me. My breathing became heavy. My soul became hot. A sneer formed upon my face. My eyes squinted. I could feel the devil inside of me building.
As Barrett Jackson and Clive Dross walked me to the center of the room, I felt the anger spewing from my pores. The white lights, as they had done before were blaring into my eyes. I was not the same woman who had entered the room months ago. I was a slow monster in progress. I was not chained this time, no longer was I innocent. I felt nothing more but hate in my heart. My sneer continued to grow as I waited for my new mentor. Fear was no longer an option; it was only hate that invaded my mind.
With Barrett to my left, and Clive to my right, the taller shadow slowly emerged to the front of me. I threw my back up as straight as I could. I stiffened. I watched the 5 foot 10 tall ma
n as he slowly emerged into the light and became visible to me.
It was difficult to see him at first. The glare from the lights was beaming into my eyes. He was a tall dark shadow, but there were some attributes that I could see. He was tall with short black hair, and dark smoky eyes. His cheekbones were high. He was cleanly shaven. His eyebrows looked as if they were well-maintained. He didn't seem to be the scruffy grumpy trainer that I thought. Oh no, he was a well-maintained metro-sexual to me. He looked to be Native American. He looked to be intelligent. He looked as if he had a heart. The energy that he was outputting seemed to be positive and pure. His intentions were good, and seemed to me, by the looks of him, to have a good heart.
The tall man with the soft subtle face features walked slowly up to me. He was a towering 8 inches higher than I. Looking up to make eye contact, I felt as if I was looking into the sky trying to catch a glimpse of the moon.
"My name is Fitz. I will be your personal trainer. We will be training in mixed martial arts." As soon as he said that, the blaring floodlights that were blinding me finally shut off, and the natural ambiance of the room was finally revealed as soon as the normal fluorescent lights were lit from above.
I took a moment to reflect on where was. The floor was cement. There was a bench-press equipped with free weights, and a punching bag standard with speed bag. The room looked to be 25 feet by at least 25 feet I couldn't tell. There were bleachers on each side of the wall. They weren't very big but looked at least they can hold about 20 people on each side. I was curious and wondered if they had fights down there. There were tractor tires and medicine balls. There was a large circle in the center of the room. The ground of the center of the room was also spattered with blood spots. I gazed upon them for a little bit and wondered which ones belonged to me.
Fitz began to slowly walk circles around me. And in his journey he began to talk. "It is now the end of April. I have only six months to whip you into shape and to create you into the ultimate fighter. Mixed martial arts are a slew of different kind of fighting. You'll be learning about punching and kicking, as well as grappling. I have been told that you are familiar with switchblades and knives? We would use this to utilize some skill. Any questions?" He stopped directly in front of me spread his legs and held his hands together behind his back. That kind of reminded me of a sergeant from the Army.
I had spent weeks underneath the soft yellowing sun, running. I had spent weeks outside, breathing the brisk spring air in. And even though I really, really hated running, as time passed I got better at it. I rather enjoyed my days spent outside. I was somewhat bummed out, that I was now to spend the rest of my days inside under fluorescent fake lighting. I drew in a breath and slowly exhaled out my nose. Looking at the ground I lifted my head up and looked up at Fitz. "I'm at your disposal Sir. Teach me what you need to teach me to survive."
Fitz just smiled. "Good? That is just exactly what I wanted to hear."
Our session of course began with running. Fitz told me to run around the room for 20 minutes. I did so without hesitation. I ran consistently for 20 minutes without slowing down. I was so used to running I did not even break a sweat.
When the running warm up was complete, we began with strength training. Fitz gave me two 10 pound dumbbells, placed them into my hands and told me to run for another 10 minutes. And I ran. The dumbbells were only 10 pounds, but after at least five minutes I could feel the strain they were causing. I began to break a sweat.
As the day progressed, my exercises became harder and harder. I went from lifting and flipping a 100 pound tire, to doing sprints from one end of the room to the other. I jumped rope for about 15 minutes. I did sit-ups and push-ups. I did blitzes in the middle of the bloodstained fighting ring. With my arms up, hands fisted, and close to my face, protecting myself in a defensive mode, my legs up-and-down, up-and-down, and up-and-down. I was given 15 minute breaks every two hours, in which I consumed a protein shake to help give me energy.
I did lunges across the room. The lunges murdered my back. I did more lunges across the room with dumbbells in my hands. With a medicine ball in both hands I swayed side-by-side to strengthen my core.
Running, lunges, weightlifting, and everything and anything were thrown at me. By the end of the day, I was down on my knees and praying for mercy. The sweat rolled from my brow, trailed down my nose and dropped off my chin. I finally gave in from all the pain and strain. I looked down on the ground. Kneeled over, I looked upon the spatter of blood on the cement and I knew it was mine. I opened my mouth wide, and clenched my teeth together. The sweat was dripping off my face. Both hands placed upon the cold cement I was breathing ever so heavily. I was out of breath and I was out of energy.
Fitz slowly walked up to me. He was standing so tall and so strong. With the little energy that I had left I looked up into his eyes. I tried my best to muster out a few words. "Is the day done?"
He smiled at me and said, "Oh yes Lillian, our first day is complete. Tomorrow, we shall start strength training again and learn the fighting skills."
I just smiled and lowered my head to the ground. With my mouth wide open, I let the saliva roll out of it.
At some point in a day Barrett had disappeared. It was just Clive that had escorted me back up into the kitchen. The smells of the kitchen were somewhat Mediterranean. As I sat down in my usual spot, I fell into the back of my chair. I was so exhausted and so tired I did not even think I could clear a meal. I laid there with my head firmly planted in the back of my chair. Taking deep breaths, I stared up into the ceiling of the house.
It was a strange feeling that I felt. It was as almost as if I was on some slow tired drugs. I just sat there limp. If I looked close enough, I could see the little dots on the ceiling start to move around and dance. I tried to count them, but they all became as one, then without word scattered.
While working in the kitchen, Paige came to me and framed both her hands upon my cheekbones. "Lillian are you okay?" She had both her hands there, rubbing my cheekbones up and down.
Like a playful child I just looked at her and smiled. I then assumed my regular sitting position, letting her hands brush up against my ears as I lifted my head. The feeling sent a tingles down my spine. I picked up my fork and knife, still smiling; I turned to my right and looked at Barrett, who was watching our playful display, carefully.
Chewing his food, his eyes finally locked with mine. He gently put down his fork and leaned back in his chair. He picked up his bottle of beer and finished it off, motioning for Paige to get him another. Lifting his left hand to his chin he began to scratch his goatee. Eyes still locked with mine, his facial expression was swept with impatience. "Now, what in the hell are you looking at kid?"
As he was finishing his sentence to me, Paige placed a plate of food in front of me. I quickly turned to her and gave my thanks, then shook my head and tried to snap out of it. Not looking at him I replied. "Nothing Sir? I'm sorry." Of course there was nothing going on between Paige and me, but I thought perhaps he was receiving mixed signals from our friendly closeness. Or maybe it was just the alcohol putting thoughts into his head.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see his position become less defensive. Paige dropped off another bottle of beer, and Barrett quickly picked it up and took a long drink. He put the bottle down, and wiped off his mouth with his hand. "That's what I thought."
It was Barrett's drinking that worried me. I knew the more alcohol that he consumed the more easily irritated and violent he became. He had been gone for the greater part of the day, and at this point I had no idea how much alcohol he actually consumed. I cursed myself for spacing out and creating this small altercation. I had dealt with belligerent people before in the past. Not one of these experiences was ever pleasant.
As soon as everybody was served and eating, Paige once again finally sat down with her plate. I began to eat as well.
Barrett was chewing recklessly. He saw my actions and shook his head. He smiled, but to me it w
as evil. "Once again, with this shit you little bitch."
I froze. I could feel his temper was rising. It made me angry because it was for the stupidest reason in the world. I could feel my adrenaline begin to rise. I was no longer hungry. I had dealt with this before. All I knew was that he was egging me on to do something. Something so that he could do something. But I kept my cool and I did nothing.
"Father." It was Paige's voice that chimed out. She knew exactly what he was leading on to do. She would not have it. "Father, if you could please just settle down, please."
It was silent in the room, as it is usually was silent in the room, but this silence was as thin as tissue paper. I was hoping that Barrett's anger would fade away. I knew it to be a fact in any drunken situation, changing the subject, changing it to a nice subject could quite possibly improve the situation. I felt that I was in no position to change the subject, and hoped so dearly that somebody else would.
My plate consisted of salmon, brown rice, and vegetables. I slowly ate it for I'd lost my appetite. I was so hungry, but eating without an appetite totally blew. It wasn't until Fitz began to speak that I felt a little bit of happiness in my heart.
"You did well today, Lillian."
I shifted my attention to him, and raised my gaze from my plate. I had only known him for a day, but his intentions were pure.
"Honestly you did well." He said. "Tomorrow, we will open the day with more warm-ups. As the day progresses, you will conquer blocking, grappling, and a little bit of defense." He ended the sentence with a smile. He leaned back in his chair smiling, and his facial expression was as smooth as wax.
I got my second wind then, and finished up the last of my salmon. I wasn't really looking forward to the next six months of training, but I guess I had no choice. Swallowing my last piece of salmon I looked up at Fitz and smiled. "Thank you sir."
I waited patiently as usual, finishing off my milk and waiting for the boys to leave the table. Clive, Fitz, and drunken Barrett as usual disappeared from the table and went off into the night to complete their usual scheduled tasks. Once again it was just Paige and I. As usual I savored every moment. It was a difficult task getting to know somebody that was part of holding you captive. I waited patiently as I usually did for her to finish her meal. It was her task as always to clean up, and when that was done, to escort me back into my dungeon.
As soon as she rose and picked up her empty plate, I rose as well. I picked up mine, and Barrett's and she cleared Fitz's plate and Clive's. It was a quiet night and for that I was truly sorry. I wanted nothing more than to have a normal conversation with her. We worked in silence. Her washing, and I drying. So many times, I wanted so badly to open my mouth and to say something. Every time I got the chance, my mouth would open but no words would surface.
I had come so far at that point. I had beaten all odds. I had been scared to death. I had nearly been beaten to death. Everything that I was ever afraid to happen to me had happened. I had been through the worst, though the worst was still to come. But this, this was so hard to comprehend. Talking to a simple person and holding a conversation scared me to death and for this I had no idea why. It was probably Barrett's foul mood to begin with that started it all.
The rest of the night consisted of doing the dishes. Light bumping upon each other, giggles and laughing. I wasn't drunk but my mind was mush. Hating myself every step of the way I just went with the flow. As soon as all evening chores were done, Paige retrieved the keys, and escorted me out of the kitchen and into the cool night's air.
Like an obedient puppy dog I followed as usual. Thoughts and questions were plaguing my mind, at the tip of my tongue, yet so very hard to release. Disappointment erupted in my mind as she opened the doors of the barn and we walked in. I was unable to create good conversation that night and for that I was truly disappointed.
As she waited by the entrance of my dungeon door, I walked up to the stall that contained Nellie the horse. Patiently I waited; I did not have to wait long until Nellie came to me. I stretched out my arms and she nuzzled me ever so delicately. I put my face so close it to hers and I inhaled in. I gave her soft kisses the side of her cheek.
I heard a low giggle come from Paige. "She likes you, you know."
"Do you think I can ride her some time?" I said. "You'll have to teach me of course."
"You never rode a horse before?"
Holding Nellie's face close to mine, I smiled. "Of course not, I'm a city girl remember?"
Paige laughed underneath her breath. She shook her head and looked at me. "I'm so sorry, how could I forget that every girl is not a country girl."
I laughed as well, and gave Nellie a kiss upon her nose. "This is true." I left Nellie the horse and walked toward Paige. I planted myself in front of her so close. "When we have time of course, I would love for you to teach me."
"Of course." She said. "I would like nothing more than to teach a city girl how to ride a horse." Smiling she placed her hand to my back and slowly nudged me down into my dungeon.
Somewhat disappointed, I slowly descended into the depths. I turned around though before she could close the flap. Extending my arms into the air I looked up at her. "And at which time miss, do I receive better accommodations?"
"When you prove yourself."
Cocking my brow and generating a sly smile I said, "I figured at this point I had already proved myself, but at which point do you think I shall prove myself?"
Flashing her pearly whites, and shaking her head she just smiled and looked at me. "It is not for me to decide my love, but my father's."
My love. The sound of it from her lips just made my heart crash. I didn't care about the rest of the sentence; my love was the only thing that I wanted to hear from her. As she closed the flap I smiled and blew her a kiss. I was pretty sure she didn't see me do it but I didn't care. I was still stuck in the love part.
I spent the rest of the night bathing myself from the sink, but that time I was smiling. I needed neither book nor more music to help me sleep. Just the image of Paige calling me love and the formation her lips made gave me peace so that I could. I was so tired, and slept so soundly that night. I dreaded the roosters call in the morning.
The roosters call, and it was once again the butt crack of dawn. I did not budge from my bed. I just laid there, wrapped up like a burrito in the covers. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, momentarily. I saw the rays of sunlight as they snuck through the cracks of my dungeon. I had already bathed myself, the night before and dressed myself for the day's work out. I had at least an extra half an hour to sleep before I was retrieved for the day's exercises. I pulled the covers over my head to block out the seeping rays of sun. I waited for the sounds of the opening flap. That was my cue to hop out of bed and jump into action.
I heard the unlocking. I threw the covers off of me and tossed myself out of bed. I winced with pain as every part of my body with aching. My arms, my legs, my torso. Everything was not without pain. My shoes were right by my bedside and I quickly fumbled with the shoelaces as I tried to tie them and put them on before anyone could emerge from the above. It was success! Success with the burden of pain. I stood up, locked my hands behind my back and waited.
"Morning Clive."
Clive's eyes were closely plastered together and very red. He nearly stumbled on his last step down. "lez go Lillian, lez go get some food."
"Hung over Clive?" I tilted my head and raised my eyebrow.
Clive barely looked at me and then turned around. "Don be a smart ass Lillian."
With a light wobble he slowly ascended the staircase. I followed. My stomach was growling.
As I exited the barn, I was struck by the warm brilliance of the sun. I paused just to feel its warm glow upon my skin. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. As I opened my eyes I was greeted by a scruffy more than 5 o'clock shadow Clive. Red eyes darker than the planet Mars itself. "You commin?"
He turned around and continued walking as I smiled t
o myself. "Yes, master." Still smiling I continued walking behind Clive. I ingested as much of the fresh morning air that I could. I listened to every noise that the outside was to make, and looked at every colorful thing that was planted in front of me. I knew the day's workout was going to be even harder than the day before. I was ready for it. I smiled all the way up to the house behind Clive. As soon as he opened the door and we went into the kitchen, my smile drifted away. Knowing that Barrett would probably take it personally and start something with me, I didn't let it drift away. I entered the kitchen with an invisible smile. Face straight, inside I was still smiling.
It was normal breakfast as usual. Everybody was chowing down on eggs bacon and hash browns. Paige was working quickly and efficiently trying to get everybody fed. Barrett received his plate first, followed by Clive and our newly joined table mate Fitz.
Everybody had a fork, a knife, and a spoon. I looked at the empty placement in front of me and noticed only a spoon. Perhaps Paige ran out of silverware. Unfortunately my suspicions were well-placed. Page dropped a bowl of oatmeal in front of me. My mouth slowly dropped open. "Oatmeal?"
Fitz immediately looked up from his dish, mouth stuffed with breakfast sausage links. As he spoke mini chunks of breakfast sausage fell from his mouth. "Sorry Lillian, I requested the oatmeal for you. The heavier the greasy meal that you eat, the more likely for you to upchuck it during training, if you know what I mean."
I watched him as he swallowed his savory sausage breakfast links. I sighed and looked into my bowl of oatmeal. It was a sea of wavy oats and bland flavors. If it was steel cut oats, then at least there was some nutritional value added. No matter what, I was hungry, so I picked up the spoon in dug in.
Breakfast came, we consumed and then breakfast ended. In the mornings I was unable to help Paige with the dishes. It was straight to business after eating. I had to eat quickly, for if the boys finished before me, I had to follow and was unable to finish my meal. I quickly inhaled my oatmeal, and quietly sat and waited for the boys to finish. As soon as they got up, I got up as well and followed them into the war room.
The war room was the nickname that I gave it. As a child I had watched a lot of X-Men Adventures. The room in which they were trained in was called the war room, thus my training room was called the war room.
I entered the room, and walked into the middle of the bloodied circle. Hands by my sides, I stood up straight. Clive and Barrett were sitting in the bleachers to the right of me. I patiently waited instruction. We began our exercises.
The day began with warm-ups, and followed by cardio. I did free weights and lifting. We worked on punches, punching combinations, and then kicking. I stood solitary while Fitz punched my stomach lightly, and then worked up to my face. The body punches were supposed to help me get used to being hit. At first it didn't think anything of them; I thought it had felt way worse when I first got there. Fitz continued to punch harder though. They were all exercises to make me stronger and much angrier. They were working.
I had no access to a calendar, and had no idea how much time had gone by. The only way I knew time was fading away was by the seasons of the day. Day by day I was woke up and drug down the war room and trained with Fitz. Every night I was fed and looked at, and sent back down into the dungeon where I licked my own wounds. My whole body was changing. I was more cut in my upper body. I began to develop a little six-pack. My thighs and hips, well, let's just say they were looking pretty damn good. Despite all I had been through, my body was in the best shape ever.
It had been almost a year without a drop of alcohol, or the drag of a cigarette. Every day I craved them so much. Paige had put a body sized mirror into my dungeon. Though I was never a conceited person, and before this rarely looked at myself in the mirror, I found myself looking into it morning and night impressed with my improvements.
Once a week as usual Dr. Sebastian Cole would visit and injected me with my weekly dose of cocktail. I had already felt the strain of the lack of cocktail on my first day of running, and I was so very grateful for his presence.
Day by day, by day went by. Month by month all I was focused on was training, eating, and injections. It seemed the last of the real world had faded away and I knew nothing more but the daily schedule. I knew nothing but those people. I had a vague picture of my mom still floating in my head. I had a vague memory of what life used to be before I had arrived.
It was the last day of my training and I had graduated. I was congratulated by Fitz and shook his hand. He told me I was the quickest learner that he ever had. I smiled and looked up at him. Class had ended early that night and I found myself sitting on the steps outside that led to the kitchen. The sun was setting quicker these days, and I had barely made it outside to see it slowly slither beyond the horizon. It was beginning to get cool outside. Regardless, it was always cool, but at least, cooler than usual. I was still wearing my shorts and my tank top, and my new balance shoes that Paige had got me after I recovered from my surgery. The falls cool brisk night was embracing coldness. I pulled my knees up close to me and tried so very hard to keep warm. Clive was once again at the grill searing wonderful slabs of meat that I could not wait to eat. My mouth was watering at the smell.
As the sun finally disappeared and darkness enveloped the very small world that I was a part of, Paige came out of the kitchen and sat down next to me upon the steps. She sat there quietly for a few moments before she spoke.
"Are you okay?" She said.
I didn't answer her question at first. I had to first think of the definition of the word okay. Perhaps I could start at the beginning. I was kidnapped, brutally beaten, put through a medical procedure that no one had ever survived. I could have totally go off on her right then, but I couldn't. Not to her, not to that beautiful face. I just missed so many things. The news, morning bike rides. Holidays with my mom. Beer of course. It had been months since I let myself cry. I had closed myself off from everything. I had let them create me into the beast that they wanted me to be. Finally without thought, slow tears begin to emerge from my eyes.
"Lillian?"
"Just call me Lill please." I said.
"Lill, where are you?" She asked
I planted my head into my knees and began to sob lightly. It was a relief; it was almost as if I was on a drug. "I have no idea where I am. You people will not let me know?"
She put her arm around me and pulled me close to her. "It's okay baby, it will be okay."
I did find some sort of comfort in that, but wished her not to know. I pulled away. Light tears streaming down my eyes I looked at her. "It's been months since I've written to my mom."
"I know." She said.
"So what, she gets one letter from me and thinks that I am okay?" I shook my head.
"I have been writing to her." The words lightly escaped her mouth.
"What?" My head slowly turned so that I could look at her.
She swallowed hard. The words came from her, but slowly. "I have written her, or typed to her. So far, your journey has ended in Florida where your truck broke down. With little money you had left, you got an apartment and a job at a dive shop. Lill, I am so sorry."
I had no words. For a while we sat in silence. I let the cool breeze speak for the both of us. I took my hand and let it run through my hair that had begun to grow so quickly. Twenty two years of my life I've had long hair. Now I was just dragging my hand through remnants of a memory. "Has she ever written back?"
"No Lill, there was no return address."
"Ahh?" I said. "So she still suspects nothing then?"
"I assume not." Paige said.
I frowned and clenched my teeth. It was miss directed, but I felt my anger rising. "What the fuck do you people expect from me?" I stood up then and looked directly at Paige. Loudly I spoke and my voice carried out through the night. "What now Paige, what now! How much time do I have before I have to hurt a person?!" My words were loud and cut through the darkness like butter. The anxiety was
getting the best for me. I was getting very nervous for the upcoming week.
Clive looked up at me from the grill. His eyes were filled with concern. I turned my head to him. I just pointed my finger at him. "Dude, you just keep grilling, you just keep grilling." Without hesitation he just turned away.
I felt the heating anger within my soul. I took a deep breath and tried to release it all. Inhale and it was slowly released. I sat back down next Paige. "I have no idea who I am, or what I have become."
She took my left hand into hers and held it tightly. I felt the squeeze, and the pressure. "Lillian, for that I am truly sorry. Are you giving up?"
I slowly turned my head to look at her. Eyebrows shot down in a, what are you crazy look? "God no! I am just having a? nervous breakdown." I turned from her and began to rub my eyes with my hands. Everything was shaking and I could not concentrate. My mind was a strange blur. I couldn't tell if it was just me or the drugs they were giving me. I could feel a wetness seeping from my nose and I wiped it with my backhand. As I pulled away and looked at the back of my hand I saw that it was blood. I could have cared less and as I let the blood trickle from my nose, I looked at Paige.
She saw it and her eyes grew big. "My God Lill, your nose is bleeding." Like the caring person that she was, she out reached her hands towards me trying to care for my bloodied nose. I just turned away.
Wise tales always told you to hold your nose while your head was tilted back to stop nosebleeds. That was not the case. Never ever hold your head back. I wiped the blood from underneath my nostril again and plugged it with my head upright.
"Do you get nosebleeds often?"
"Only when I'm seriously stressed."
"How many times in your life have you had a nosebleed?" Paige asked.
I pursed my lips and lifted my right eyebrow. I had to think about it for a moment. "I think about six times maybe? Let's see? My dog died, I got one. My friend went in for her appendicitis, I got one. I was at work and I was thinking about my dead dog again, I got one. Ahhh? Was going to get on an airplane to go rescue my grandfather, I got one. Oh, my other dog was really sick and I got one. All extremely stressful times. No worries see, just stress." I looked at her smiling with the blood streak streaming from my nostril. Giggling to myself I said "and this would be the seventh?"
She laughed and just shook her head. "You have it all figured out don't you?"
Smiling I said "yes I do." I paused for a moment. I let my eyes lay upon the night soaked dark horses corral and the fading green pastures beyond. "Since we are on the topic of blood, why have I not gotten my period?" I turned my head back, looking at Paige.
Paige hesitated. She shifted uncomfortably on the cement steps. She let her hand raise to her lips and rubbed over them with her fingertips. "I was wondering when you were going to ask that question."
"So?" I said. "I assume the answer that you are about to give me is one that I do not wish to hear?"
Once again hesitantly she said, "have you noticed a small scar on your lower abdomen?"
Every time I ever looked at myself it was always dark. There was a mirror in my dungeon but I never really looked at myself to closely. I quickly pulled up my shirt to examine my underbelly. Underneath my belly button there was a small faint scar. "Oh Christ?"I knew something was up when I did not get my period, but I just thought it was the medication that you were giving me, or the so-called cocktail.
"I am so sorry Lillian, but Mr. Bishop?"
I butted in. "Mr. Bishop can lick my god damn balls."
"But you don't have any."
"I do not give a shit. I will grow a pair just so he can fucking lick them." I was angry then, but out of energy to throw another fit. I was only twenty two and already my womanhood had been taken away from me, without my consent. I felt so weak then. I was no longer whole.
Clive put the steaks from the grill onto a plate and walked into the house. "The steaks are done. I should probably get into the kitchen and finish the rest of dinner. Are you hungry?" Paige asked.
Staring into nothingness I just shook my head. "Not anymore." The evening's breeze had died down. The music from the rustling leaves on the trees had dissipated.
Paige slowly rose from the cement steps. She brushed the dust from her denim overalls. She did not look at me but she spoke. "Well, I must go inside and finish dinner. I trust you Lillian, so I am going to go inside and give you the time that you need? Okay?
I didn't say word I just sat there in silence. A lot of people that get angry yell or shout. I had my moment and my moment had passed. Trembling with anger I just sat there and inhaled and exhaled. I just maintained.
"Okay?"
"Yes?" The only word that I could muster. Without hesitation she opened the door to the kitchen and disappeared. I didn't move I just sat there staring into nothingness again. The world had felt my despair. It was Mother Nature who wished to talk to me, and once again the breeze began to pick up. The night was growing denser. The evening's breeze were becoming thicker. The nighttime smells were lying upon the Valley like a heavy curtain. I could hear the wind as it rustled through the leaves in the trees. It was nothing more than sweet music to my ears. Silence was a harsh friend, but in my case it brought me safety and sanctity. I inhaled deeply the beauties of the world, and wished in my soul that they would never escape my lungs. Even though I did exhale, I tried very hard to keep the world's beauty within me. Many moments ensued before I raised myself from the cool cement steps. I took another look around at my shadowed surroundings that only by day could be defined as complete gorgeousness. Inhaling the last moment of my false freedom, I turned around and headed for the kitchen door. Placing my hand upon the doorknob I took one last moment to think about making or breaking my freedom. I took one last deep breath, and let one last tear stray from my eye. Exhaling I turned the knob. Opening the door I thought to myself I would let those people know what Lillian Ann Cross was really made of.
I strolled in and casually sat in my usual sitting spot. Clive, Fitz, and Barrett were all in their usual spots as well. I could feel the hostility boiling as I sat down. Barrett's eyes never left me. At that point, Barrett's anger was fueling my madness. Even though I kept a straight face, inside I was smiling. In any situation I would try to avoid all altercations in any way possible. At the moment though, I was fueling the fire.
The meal was fantastic. The rib eye was perfectly cooked thanks to Clive. Paige as always never marinated, but put a wonderfully seasoned rub upon the steaks. The asparagus was perfectly grilled and flavorful, and the garlic mashed potatoes just melted in my mouth.
There was no conversation that night. Just eating. I had waited in silence. I had waited and felt the heat boil off of Barrett. He of course had a beer in front of him, consumed it and then had another, and then another. I knew I had no chance against him, but at least had to try. I had a vendetta against him that I needed to conclude. All the news that I had received from Paige that night, continued to peel away at my sanity. I was never a confrontational person, but for some reason, I needed to fight, or be beaten just to set my heart right. My fighting training was complete and now he would be the guinea pig. I knew what would piss him off, so in between bites I periodically looked at him.
Finally the dam broke. "What the hell are you looking at?"
I turned to him. "A sorry excuse for a man." There was so much satisfaction in that. I kept my eyes on him.
He stood up from his chair and he glared at me. "Ohh, little bitch finished her training, so she thinks she's a big girl now. You want to take this outside?"
I had him where I wanted him. I was sober and he was drunk. He may have been a hundred pounds heavier than I, but I so wanted to take him anyway.
There was of course no dispute between Fitz or Clive. Clive finished off his beer and Fitz just silently watched. It was Paige of course who had to say something. "Father, please stop."
Barrett's stance stood still like a stone. His anger was flying off him l
ike an erupting volcano. He was ready to do battle. I was ready for him.
"Are you ready for your first beat down little bitch?" He said.
Smartass remark, here I come. "Already had a beat down, asshole. But, I'm your huckleberry, bitch." The smirk on my face was worth a million bucks.
He turned out the door so quickly. I rose from my seat and prepped myself. Paige urged me not to go, urged me not to fuel his fire. She knew how he could get when he drank, but I just moved on. I was ready to put him into his place. I was ready to give him pay back for the beat down that he gave me. I left the wonderful quaint confines of the kitchen and greeted Barrett outside in the horse's corral where the lush grass gently crushed beneath my feet.
Barrett was out there, positioned and ready for me. Cooley and sternly I walked up to him. I placed both my hands upon my hips and said, "Please remove your Sidearm."
He did so without hesitation. He pulled out his gun and tossed it toward Clive and Fitz who were now sitting on the corral gates. I did not see Paige, but I knew she was out there. My heart was racing.
Barrett put up his dukes, and so did I. The man was at least one hundred pounds more than I, and at least 8 inches taller. I didn't care. All I had in my mind was a beat down. I knew he was drunk and so thus, my advantage. He was slow to move. I would move like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I would put the asshole Paul Bishop's money to good use. My whole life I had never picked a fight, but I picked this one. I wanted to prove to Barrett I was no pussy. With anger fueling my fight, Barrett threw the first punch.
I dodged it. Barrett threw another and I dodged that to. Fitz taught me to dodge and wear them out, so that is what I did. With the bigger people, my advantage was dodging. Punch after punch that Barrett tossed, I dodged. He was drunk and there were so many advantages for me to get in there and to give all hell, but I held back waiting for that perfect moment.
There were many times during his punching frenzy, that I could have gone for his balls, but I wanted to keep the fight clean. Let the better man win. Who was the better man? I was. Barrett shot his arm forward at me. I ducked and shot my fist up toward his elbow. With impact I heard cracking noise. He grunted with pain, but was relentless with his attacks. Barrett grabbed my shirt. He pulled me up off the ground so that my eyes could look into his. I could hear my shirt ripping from the stress. He pulled me close to his face and gave me the opportunity I needed to strike. I head-butted him. He threw me onto the ground knocking the wind out of me and I lay there gasping for air. He moved in for a body slam. I saw it coming and I rolled out of the way. He hit the ground on his side and let out a big "Uhhhh...."
While he was on the ground, I got up quickly and put some kicks into his side. I moved away and let him rise to his feet. I put my duke's back up, and so did he.
He threw another punch and I dodged it. I jumped up toward him and threw a right one to connect with his face. As I landed on the ground, I continued to bombard his lower portions with multiple punches. It was just like punching the bag and I did it with insane speed. As soon as he became dazed, I concluded my attack with an upper hook. Barrett was on the ground in no time.
My biggest mistake was gloating. I towered over him, calling him a bitch; Barrett used his leg to trip me. As I did not anticipate that attack, I fell to the ground. Barrett steam rolled over me. He was so heavy I almost felt him squeeze the eyes out of my eye sockets. He then pinned me beneath him. With his anger he laid punch after punch. I only remember the first five punches before I blacked out.
Darkness had a severity of sweetness. The dreams that come with unconsciousness can be either good or bad. I could not remember those dreams, but remember a short mix of them. Unconsciousness brought a short simple sleep. I did not know the exact pain that had been caused to me, but I felt it. It was one of those moments that I wanted so very badly to wake up, but I could not. Fighting so very badly in my painful wicked slumber, I waited for the early mornings light to remove me from my nightmare.