I haven't gone to school since I don’t know when. What’s the point anyway, school sucks, and people are incompetent. I have no connection to things in this world that are disappointing.
I can hear my dad breaking down the door. For me to live, to get up and move on with whatever life I still seem to have beyond that dark door. I can’t seem to find my balance; the gravity pulling my feet back to earth. I only find myself, wondering when the world will finally end.
"Autumn Jazmine, if you don't open this door, I'm going to drag you out by your hair." He demanded with a strong voice, jiggling the door knob.
"I dare you." I whisper to no one. I sit in this dark closed off room, a navy blue blanket covering the light trying to stream in through my balcony window. Surrendering myself to this darkness.
I stare at the walls, wondering what I am supposed to profess at these viewings. I imagine what people want me to say, how much my father would love to be glorified in her passing. How much he wishes it wasn’t Winter in that tomb.
I wrap my arms around my legs cradling myself, keeping myself together for just a little while longer.
Every moment I stand contemplating her and Chatt’s every move in this world. Thinking of ways to incorporate jokes and laughter, to make it a happy scene of celebration, instead of mourning.
I jot down ideas and positive thoughts about both of them. The love they shared and how it will be remembered for the rest of our livelihoods.
Tears began to fill up the pages, making words I have written indescribable. Wet ink runs down the paper, streaking lines of the things I never thought would happen. Who would ever want that...who even thinks these things will happen.
I put all her belongings in a box, I take down picture frames of me and her at the circus, at the zoo, at the movies. I put them away out of sight, hidden like she never existed, like I wanted to be right now.
As I head for the door, seeing notes and speeches that he thought would be appropriate for me to say at both funerals. I stuffed them in my purse and drove myself to the church.
I know what I had to say, not what I needed to say.
I arrive an hour early and see people setting up. I search the vacant church rooms, looking for time alone before the ceremony.
I see the closed coffin through a small window, forest green with gold outlines.
Winter, I whisper.
I look around the hallways of the church, closing the door quietly behind me as I sneak in.
I slowly breathe.
I press my hand against the polished wood.
"Oh, Winter why’d you have to go and leave me like this?" I let out a breath of frustration.
"I'm supposed to go out there in front of those people who claim to know you. They're expecting me to tell funny stories maybe when we were little chasing fireflies, instead of butterflies. Good times, happy ones. I suppose I should tell them what a wonderful person you are, how you took charge and brought us up. They’ll refuse to hear the bad times, when Josephine left us or when our father forgot to nurture and raise us. He was too busy anyway. How you were everything he wanted you to be and more.” I step to the side of the wooden box, "...to tell you the truth I don’t know what I will say, but I suppose it will go something like this..."
I press my lips together, before I even begin to speak. Gazing through the crying crowd, I can’t seem to find a single person I know. I stand alone on that podium.
"My name is Autumn Jazmine Moion. People call me AJ or Autumn. Winter insisted on calling me Jazie…Winter was my...ugh, is my older sister. Almost two years apart, she was my best friend." Deep breaths keep me constant, keep me going, and keep me focused on what needs to be said here today. I glance down at my notes, then begin to speak from somewhere in the heart. AJ
"Winter Magnolia had a very unique lifestyle, a very strange view on the world around her. I believe she believed in the goodness no one else was able to see." I eyed down to where my father was sitting, with his coworkers, holding one of the female’s hands.
"She was careless, but only about putting herself first, when she knew others were in need. She made her way through this world with an understanding smile and a welcoming hug. She was everybody’s hero, she could make you laugh when you were in tears. She gave you a lift when you were left stranded. She was an outcast, a choice she made on her own but a friend to all. She always stood up for the weaker person and she took a stand to be her own."
I went on to tell stories of how Chatt and Winter met and how they fell in love. How their romance never seemed to fray, how joy and happiness followed every step they took in this life and soon after.
I searched the audience for familiar faces, but they all look the same.
"I have always admired her strength, her confidence, and her willingness to press forward when things got tough and we had to learn to stand on our own for the times being." My father tightened his jaw keeping his eyes on me in a stare that said don't you dare.
"When we were little, as many of you know our mother left us, to become something more than a modern housewife or mother. We were left in the care of our full time commercial business man of a father.
It was then when Winter took charge and helped raise me along with herself. I tell you this story, not to bring up bad trials Winter had to face, but the ones she overcame. The one’s she conquered and so daringly fought to protect."
My eyes let out tiny teardrops, "She was everything you could ask for in a good friend and a neighbor. I assume she is smiling down on all of us, if she were here she would express to us her gratitude for all of you attending today. I put together a slide show to express her life a little more clearly. I hope you like it." I point over to the projector.
"Before I go, I’d like to share a few more thoughts. What we keep in our memory is ours unchanged forever. No one can disregard the love that Chatt shared for Winter. May they spend ever after knowing how much we care and love for them. She was the best friend I or anyone could ask for, the best big sister I ever could wish for. The best wife or mother anyone could have made, if she only got the chance to be. She will always be in our hearts throughout our lives and our journey's.”
I hope wherever Chatt and Winter are that they have each other and they are both at peace, full of joy and have love. I know he loved her with all his being and with all his heart, he only had an eye for her and her for him. I am so grateful she was able to experience love before her and Chatt's accident. Thank you all for your support and love towards her and our family at this time. We'll miss her and celebrate both lives as if they were made together."
"I love you, Winnie. You are forever my hero." I stepped away from the podium and clicked the button to play. The room went dark and pictures began to pop up from our childhood. Her smiling face stained with orange popsicle; me in the background licking a red one, always safe and not reckless. The room makes an awe noise, and smiles break out and a couple of laughs’. Chatt and Winter's high school dance pictures form collages with all their silly looks and smooching kisses.
It carried on as I carried out. Slipping out the back, hoping memories will soon fade.
I sit in the back parking lot sidewalk, taking out a cigarette. It's a hot sunny day as I lean back onto the concrete staring up at the blue clear sky, a sign of peace I’m so told.
"Hey AJ." A male shadow blocks my sunshine.
"Hey." I sit up putting the smoke stick next to my lips. I squint to see Jenkins standing beside me.
"I was just walking in, I'm sorry I'm late."
I stared out into the distance, "It's alright I wouldn't of come if I didn't have too."
He half smiles, "Can I sit down?" I pat down the hot cement next to me.
"Sure. No one else has taken the spot yet.” I put my sun glasses back over my puffy swollen eyes.
Leaning back onto the cement, I light the fuse.
"Pretty packed in there." I half smile, "Well, she was loved by all."
Without a word he takes the burning cigarette from my lips, crushing it under his black shoe.
"Umm, alright." I shake my hands and brush off the dust.
"They're disgusting, not to mention bad for you." He exhaled, "I'm not going to be kissing any ashtrays anytime soon." He stared at me with seriousness.
I shrugged, "No one asked you to, Jenks." Actions saying I don’t care if you’ve liked me. I remove myself from the situation, him pressing against my back.
"AJ, that's not what I meant, it came out wrong. I want to be close to you. I just want you to care about yourself.” I hear him trail off and stop his pace as I walk away into the shady trees far from anything near.
Rebirth
11
Chatt’s parents confiding in only the idea that he was happy. They wished for Winter’s proposal ring, as a means to tie up loose ends. With some bartering they relinquished the rights to have it buried with her; its rightful place. The head of the household not carrying either way. His words falling flat as I begged him to convince them to let her keep the last hope on this planet. I consorted that he not take away the one thing that would make her the happiest in this life.
Tell me I’ve been reborn, that the light at the end of the tunnel finally fallen victim to me. Am I rushing through crowds of unknown faces or just ones that I’ve belonged to?
I heard it raining outside. Rushing outside to find skies of dark with gray. I was still half asleep, aching comfort. I lay down in the wet grass, setting myself next to the flower’s she had once planted. I lay on my back, embracing the drops of solitude landing around me. I was tired and closed my eyes. I felt the cold for only a moment, until it faded away, like all my other feelings. Beats chimed upon my face. Rhythms chuckled around my chilly toes. Patterns danced across my tummy. I was asleep, far away from her, not in a cold world, but in a numb one. I nuzzled my head deeper into my grass pillow.
"Take me away. Lead me from this painful world. Let me be gone as you are." I confessed to her. She was mute, as she always was during the day. Of, course, I knew why.
"Please..." I begged with the begotten. No one heard the cries I made, the pain that toiled among my tears. Turning over, I fell back into my hollow visions.
"Autumn." The voice was small and forgetful.
"Autumn, wake up." More distinctive, but I brushed it away to the wind.
"It's time now!" This voice shouted at me.
But, when I opened my eyes, the voice was gone and so was the thought of being needed. I laid my head back down in my bed of dirt and weeds. Waiting, I assume to be soaked up by the warmth of the forgiving sun. Wondering as I whisper to myself, time for what?
I slip, I fall. I am stumbling around this black dream, again. My heart, beating wildly.
"Let me be..." I whisper to the undying breeze. I fall, I crawl, letting the rain beat down the side of my body I no longer claim. Laying in a puddle of unhappiness, the ache, the pain pulsating beside me.
"STOP!" I scream.
"PLEASE..." I beg. But, it is only me on the dirty floor now. I silent the cries, I am destroying solely my own self.
I wake up frightened and alone...Alone I think to myself? The windows shake from the wild wind, I wrap the covers up around my elusive body and try to breathe when all I want is to stop the heart beat coursing throughout me. You're nothing like she was I gently remind myself. I know, I speak ever so softly.
I fall back into my delusions, exhausted with blues. I look around and no one is to be found, who am I searching for anyway? I hear wooden footsteps and shuttering fear defiantly creeps in. I turn to face my undeceiving fate, a welcoming hand hovers in front of me.
"Jenkins?" I question. He smiles gently, cradling me in his arms.
"It's time to go home, AJ."
Two weeks have passed since their funerals, three weeks since the accident. I almost go there daily in mind or physicality; to the bridge or the graves. Jenkins making odds and ends to make my acquaintance more than a passing memory.
He wishes more from me than I am able to give.
The doorbell rings, I assume it is one of the many people delivering baked goods to our doorstep; rolls and platters of plentiful food. I can see snow start filtering throughout the clouds. I stare out the window noticing snowflakes are taking place on top of Jenks's car in the driveway, a tiny sparkle of excitement rises up inside me. I soon begin to kill it because I want no part of it, slowly I feel it dying inside me. He heads for the front door but, my father meets him halfway, he asks for me I can tell that by his wondering eyes. He shakes his head and Jenks hands my father a book, drives away back into whatever real world there is left. I watch him drift away into the distance, love me, I pray, take me with you back to some reason for reality.
He quietly enters my room dropping the heavy book onto my deacons bench.
"The Thurgood boy came over, he said he was Chatt’s cousin." The room still filled with darkness.
"Jenks, Jenkins Thurgood. The one that brought you home." He fumbled with his wordings. I could tell now he was shaking his head in my direction.
"I know which one, dad.” I wait for him to leave the room, so I can get back to this silent atmosphere.
"You know you can't live like this forever, senior year is coming up and I expect you to do great things for your final year in high school." Pushy as he always needed to be.
"Okay sir, you got it." I reply, reluctantly. Holding in curse words until he says the unthinkable.
"Autumn Jazmine, I just want to let you know she is never coming back. To you or to me, her presence will certainly not be physical to us for a second time. She is gone forever. You might as well accept that now as I have." He drags it out, making me hear every word like slaps to my broken heart. Good ole daddy, my how she idolized you of all people.
“I know.” I painful confess and remind myself of every single detail of that afternoon.
She’s gone.
Back to School Again
12
Gone. Breathless. Lifeless. Dead. Words with all the same meaning, all having to do with one crucial event.
3 months since we last spoke. Since we exchanged laughs or tall tales of the folks around town. Where had the times gone when you were next to me facing everything with me, as a team?
School started Monday, like usual. At least that didn't change. Summer passed like other months that needed to begin and end. I wake to get ready, to brace myself for all the apologetic faces, giving sympathy where it surely surpasses. It's not as if their extended hands or their open apologizes will bring her back. As if their hugs or handshakes will make the feeling of the absence leave me.
My feet hang above my head in the open air. I imagine shoes upon them, but I don't know what ones to put on them. Bare, they stay for now. Hours away from my first day of being a senior.
Darkness clouded the sky outside, 4 a.m. Tired and weakness are not in my body today. Although excitement and thrill weren't beckoning at my heart either.
I put on a comic T-Shirt. I think whatever to myself in the mirror; my hair in a wave. I grab a jacket and head for the door, back pack draped over one shoulder.
"You're going to school today?" My dad asked as I touched the front door knob.
"Yeah, better than being in here." I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.
He grunts, "Well, have fun."
"Thanks. Hey, maybe you should go to work too." I race out the door.
Walking into every classroom as everyone stares. No one is quick enough to make eye contact with me, except one. He is smiling, beautiful white teeth and magical emerald eyes; Jenkins Thurgood. Jenkins and I first met in the 2nd grade. He sat next to me in his superhero T-Shirts, myself in spring dresses. He teased me by pulling on my dark pigtails. Calling me cute and pretty in class, sneaking kisses upon my cheek. Like any other 7 year old would, I shyly smiled at him with almond shaped eyes. I smile and laugh as i
f things are normal.
Aaron the only real friend I seem to have, takes my hand gripping my innocence in the tips of my fingers. Holding onto all I seem to have left to live for now. I sit down and listen to the teacher teach. I hear about war, how it’s destroying factors affect the countries involved. I hear about peace and how the fundamentals of it are pure bliss. When someone is truly at peace one can only imagine the sufficient amount of joy your own heart beat can give you.
As I looked up from my English assignment, he was staring at me. I raised my head to meet his eyes, I shyly look around to see who he is in fact staring at. Other students have their heads down, boredom had taken them. I stared back at him with questioning eyes. He just stared at me. No angry or saddened eyes, but hopeful ones. He focused as he wrote something on a piece of paper and I got back to my homework. Why Jenkins kept staring at me, I hadn’t a clue. Sure, we had things in common and there were moments in time that bonded us to one another, but in all honesty the only thing we held in sync was the loss of esteemed ones. How could that be a basis of any friendship, not to mention relationship?
The bell rings and I race to the restroom, looking in the mirror, I was pretty, and some guys might classify me as more. I heard what others would say, the snide remarks of going as far I might even be prettier than Winter. Who knows with all the gossip of high school. I was a simple person. She had the personality, who cared about looks. Nonetheless I was just another face to push terms with. Jenks ranked high at Knight High School, head of the Lacrosse team, la-di-da. I’m chilling with awesome sort of vibes. I on the other hand no need to do outbreaks of any kind that was Winter’s suit.
I lead my eyes to the lines and crevices of the ceiling above me, closing my lids I try to focus on things I can form with squares and dots. I put together houses and stick bodies. I manage to put together the rocks and the seashore of that day. How the dark clouds moved over the light blue sky. Swift as the wind moved them along their way. I find her smiling. I see her jump...I see Chatt jump too...I open my eyes before the story line gets to the part I hate most of all; the conclusion.