I jolt in my seat out of memory. You know everyone is staring at me.
"Autumn, are you okay?" Aaron asks as he presses on my shoulder.
"Dang, clowns ha-ha, won't leave me alone." Nervous laughter breaks out around the room, bouncing from wall to wall, hiding itself on the glossy floor. I grab my backpack and yell "Got to Go" to the teacher and wave her off as she tries to assist in my misery.
People are staring, their whispers linger around me. I sit down in the library in my regular seat, at my regular table. Ready to study for some class, that I haven’t paid any attention too. I realize things may never be the same.
My academic book is heavy and I just gape at it, my hands in my pockets. I realize our father will not love me the way he loved her. I accept that. I get it. As I look around, glancing not on sympathetic faces, but just faces without the sym making them all pathetic. I laugh to myself, people probably think I’m crazy. Good, I think, I'd rather be nuts than be like you fake citizens.
It's weird not having you here with me, Winter. You were always here to back me up, to encourage the spontaneity. Now here I am sitting alone, because you’ve left. I understand I will never be you Winter. Maybe I am finally realizing I don’t want to be. I think you would want me to have my own independence, become a person of my own. I realize all these people surrounding me, all these faces will never look friendlier to me, I don't think I can fake liking them anyway. They make me sick. The bell signals the end of lunch and I stand up before there’s a clear exit and go on my way.
Colors of my life
13
Blue.
"AJ?"
Blue skies, blue oceans. Blue.
Orange.
"Autumn?"
Orange sunsets, orange puddles of paint. Orange.
"Autumn Jazmine?"
I hate school, I hate colors, I hate the thought of colors being alive.
Purple.
"Autumn Jazmine Moion?" Taps appear on my left shoulder.
Purple flowers, purple lipstick. Purple.
Yellow.
"Ms. Moion?" The sound of a book vibrated my whole desk.
"It was her favorite color." I confessed.
"I have been calling your name for the past five minutes, Autumn." The teacher stared down at me as if I was a disease. I glared back up at her.
"I'm sorry?" A confused look on my face that kind of says, what would you like for me to do?
Everybody's eyes were instilled onto me. Flies looking to deteriorate a nearby carcass.
"Excuse me, Ms. Moion?" Ms. Trey puts her hands on her hips to make a serious point. One I had no intention of taking note on.
"Yes. Ms. Trey?" Fed up with school already it's only 4th period and I wanted to bail. I'm so excited for nine months of this, hooray for senior year!
"You can either answer the question or you can go see the principal." She shook her finger at me as if it were to correct misbehaving manners.
"Hmmm...Shoot."
"Excuse me?" Her face tightened.
"The question?" The class whispered OH’s! Way to be third grade senior classmates.
"The name of this painting would be nice." She held up a picture of a small solo tree surrounded by mountains.
"Solitary Tree."
"Alright, well keep your eyes on the screen." She moves back to the front of the room.
I slouch down in my seat, folding my arms. Thinking, of course, I am way too good for this school.
The bell rings. Finally.
"I'll expect your reports on the photograph by tomorrow 200 words." She tries to speak above the rushing of students exiting to salvation.
I pick up my backpack.
"Autumn can I talk to you for a moment?" She pulls me aside after everyone has emptied the classroom.
"Your behavior has been, well, unacceptable, AJ. I know you are having a hard time right now. I once had a childhood cat that died. It was very tough on me. There is no need for rude behavior. I know you are just acting out, going through a phase. I read a lot of books on your teen age struggles. Let's try to be a little nicer tomorrow okay, sweetie?" She smiles as if it were to fix anything. Touching my arm, probably for comfort.
"Thanks for that.” I try to stay calm and not freak out. “Your cat died? Not your sister or mother? It was a cat and you assume you know how I feel or what I’m going through? You obviously don't know anything about teens or loss. I hope you got your cat stuffed, because it is the only thing that will ever want to be around you!" My voice was hurt and deprived. I wiped off her arm. Mad that I even decided to come to school today.
●
Jenks found me laying on the grass, feet hanging on top of the wooden bench in the common area.
"Rough day? Principal Rowland is looking for you." He stood above me casting a shadow above me. I pull out my head phones.
"Hey Jenkins." I stare at the clouds, seems like it might rain.
"You skipping class already and we haven't even hit Christmas break yet." He grins, sweet smile that makes me both nervous and excited.
"Ha, well Ms. Trey has it out for me." I shut my eyes wanting nothing more than to hide under a mountain of comforters.
"I'm sure you egged her on." He winked, giving a playful nudge.
"I didn't think you talked to me at school?" Rolling eyes not of my own.
"You don't see anybody around do you? So it's okay to be seen with you, right now."
"Wow you are such a nice guy, I can't believe we’re friends." Getting back to the music.
"I'm just kidding, AJ."
"Where are all your boys at anyway, didn't think they left your side?" I kept my eyes shut, wishing I was gone, floating away from earth into the unknown of the white clouds.
I could feel his stare on me, but I did not look up.
"Escaped. Wanted to be by this lovely lady." He put his head close enough to mine that I could hear his breathing, desperate as it was.
"What made you come looking for me this time?"
"I was late getting back from lunch with this girl..." Whipping my eyes open, trying to act casual. He noticed too quickly.
"Ha-ha, I knew you cared! I'm just kidding, I had to go home and I was late getting back."
"Oh, your parents back?" Fiddling with ear buds.
"Yeah, New Zealand."
"How was their trip?"
"Great actually, they..." He named off all these places and all these types of historical bones they found. The amazing lengths they went to become known for all these material objects carved out of stone. I drifted off not knowing anything he was speaking of, nor wishing I had.
"Hey, AJ? Are you still listening?" He sat up, giving my limb a shake.
"Yeah, I heard you." Clarification to my inner lies.
Final bell rings, school is out.
I jump up and hustle to the parking lot. Jenks calls after me.
"Hey, can I see you tonight? I mean if you wanted to hang out?"
"See you later!" I wave back over my head, turning my face to give him a half smile, permission accepted.
Are you there?
14
I have never been much of a believer, but here it goes. I kneel down beside my bed. Trying to understand a little more.
"Ugh, hello. This is Autumn Jazmine Moion. I guess you would know that already, though, if you’re real. This is stupid, I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk, maybe, if you'll listen. My sister, Winter Magnolia, died. I am not angry at you, I was just wondering if she was there and if she is with you, will you tell her I'm sorry, for everything? God, are you there? I'm alone, my best friend is gone and my dad is never home and my mom left us when we were little. Gosh, it sounds like I am complaining. The truth is, I don't know what to do and I really don't know what to say. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I don't want to feel alone anymore, I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore. I just want to try and be hap
py. I know I may not deserve your love or your help if you don't want to I understand. I trust you and I know you can hear me." I shrug slightly, feeling down as ever. I am not one who asks for support on anything I could do on my own, but my life called for it.
"I need your help." I whispered, before getting off my knees.
"Amen." I said as I headed out the door.
I tried.
I think hard inside my head, I just want to know she is okay. I want to know she is safe from this world. I just want to know it will be okay. Tears fill my eyes as I stare out the glass door, a man on a bicycle peddles by, nodding his head and smiling as if to say, yes.
Where I am
15
Silence captivates the air around me, echoing the chilling emptiness. I know I am alone, but still I try to convince myself it is fabricated. I wait for her laughter to break into my hearing range. I wait for her to come over and tell me about her romantic date with Chatt. She doesn’t seem to come up the stairs and I end up hearing nothing.
Out on the trampoline, awaiting the sunrise of tomorrow. Stars hang above my sleepy head, while I contemplate the decisions of life. Dad's light is on in his room, probably asleep with pages of work he doesn’t need finished for weeks. He doesn't know I'm out here, he wouldn't care though he never has. Airplanes and jets circle around the night sky flying people to exotic places or maybe to a loving home. I want a home like that. Winter never got a home like that.
Forty seven, forty eight. I count the stars that sparkle in front of me. I don't like the sun, it's too bright too happy, everything I do not feel right now. I close my eyes, to welcome more dark shadows into vision.
"Do you know, when you were little you would cry?" She told me these stories so many times.
"I had to come pick you up, hold your hand and tell you everything would be alright." She was usually doing my hair or putting on her make up.
"You would cry and cry, like a puppy just ran away from home or something." I would sit there in awe as she made everything seem less stressful, less intense.
"You'd be okay after a couple chocolate chips or a song or two." She would smile and pat my head, as if I were a child again. I hum little songs, like Playmate or Mr. Johnnygoback’s, whichever fit the mood.
●
"You okay?" My eyes sprint open.
"Ugh, yeah?" Head jerks up.
"Autumn, what are you doing out here?” Jenkins hops on the other side of the tramp, bouncing me up and down.
“Checking out the breeze and moonlight?” Regaining my comforting spot.
“Can I come lay next to you?” He shook about on that side.
“Come on over. Make yourself cozy. My dad’s window is right there, though, so be careful.”
“Oh, really, I actually came over to see him. I am just going to go right up there.” He jumps off the tramp making motions unbearable once again.
“Don’t you dare!” I cohere him back onto the black mass above the yard.
“Alright! I’m making good progress.” I’m sure he smiled, but it was too dark to notice.
He makes me feel so good.
“Whatever. So, are you going to tell me why you are creeping around my house at this late of an hour?”
"I couldn't sleep, thought you would be awake. Plus we have a date do we not?" He shifted his weight facing my direction.
"Hmmm..." I grunted.
"Well?” Falling over his indecisive words.
"Excuse me?"
"I was just driving around thought I saw your phone light up out here, came to see if it was you." He folded his arms tightly.
"What if it wasn't me, what if it was my dad?"
"I would have split in the opposite direction so fast! Jumped in my car and driven away. Your dad scares me a lot more than you do." We both burst out into laughter. He moves in closer, and I am yet to become uncomfortable.
“Wow, you really are beautiful.” He shifted his hand up my chilled cheek.
“What are you saying? It's dark outside. You can’t see me." I mutter off, breaking apart the compliment.
"I can still see your beauty, AJ." Taking his hand away from my face, silently parallel to the stars.
"Thanks." I grumbly joke.
"I'm just kidding! Man if you could see that awful people from the swamp thing you got going on!" He tickles my sides. The hatred of being tickled emerges.
I laugh and beg him to stop. My father most certainly would hear. He brings me in closer to him.
"It's getting cold. I should get us a blanket." This is going to get pretty cozy.
"How is this?" Evasion from the intense moments goes incomplete. He holds me close, wrapping his arms around my torso. I try not to make any movements.
"Ugh, it’s alright." Smirking at my obvious commentary.
"What?" I turn my head to face his.
"Nothing. What were you doing out here before I joined the party?"
"I couldn't sleep, like you said creeper!"
"I was not stalking you, I was just driving around and saw you were out here." Defensive in his statements.
"I'm just kidding. I was just taking a breather, I am just thinking." I scoot back into his chest. Cozier than I’ve felt in days.
"Cold night huh?" I could feel him grin.
"Yeah, chilly out here."
"What were you thinking about?"
I shut my eyes reminiscing the old memories.
"Come on tell me."
"Winter...when we were little.” I think hard about memories, making them erase even faster than I can conjure up to remember them.
"Oh." His voice dipping into sincerity.
“Don’t worry about it.” I change rhythms.
"When Chatt and I were little we would play cops and robbers. He would always be the robber so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy."
"I never knew you and Chatt were cousins before you brought me that book." Are we bonding? Does he like me? Would he? Could he?
Stop.
"Oh really?" He adjusted his arms, turning me around so my face buried into his right shoulder.
“Thanks for that, by the way. I’ve only read a couple chapters, but so far so good!"
"I saw it the other day and I thought you would enjoy it as much as I did."
"You read it?" I act surprised.
"Of course I did, I had to see if it was good enough for you.” Wait a minute? What did he just say? Good enough for me? Why was he doing this?
"Oh well thank you, I guess." Smile discreet.
We lay in warmth of each other for a little while, not speaking just existing.
"Are you going to school tomorrow?" Breaks the waves of our solitude.
"I don't know yet. I don't know if I can handle all the faces again."
"Yeah, it's been rough, Chatt may have only been my cousin, but he was like my big brother." He sighed, letting out a breath of air.
"I'm sure it's just as hard for you as it has been for me." I give him a caring squeeze. He keeps holding on after I lighten up my embrace.
"Thank you." He brings my face up to his.
"What?" Shy to smile.
He looks into my eyes, a look I am not familiar to.
Presses his lips upon my smile. Kiss. Slow and sweet. Kisses me, so enchantingly, in a way I cannot describe.
"Wow."
"What?”
"Well, I’ve never done that before." His innocent remark makes me recognize I played a bigger part then I acknowledged.
"What you’ve made out with someone? Or you’ve never been kissed?" I push him away, as if the kiss was an act of contagious affection.
“Kissed.”
"Are you kidding me, Jenks?"
"Do I seem like the type of guy who gets around with girls?" His voice holds hurt feelings.
"Oh, come on! Like you weren’t the prime subject on every girls mind during prom season.”
"I'm sorry I don't live up to the rumors around school AJ. I'm
not a careless jock you assume me to be." He moves farther away.
"Jenks, come on I didn't mean anything by it. I was just surprised that you would choose me to be your first kiss.” I sit up on my elbows, keeping my sight low.
"Why?" His voice annoyed with my doubts.
"I don't know, isn't it supposed to be with someone special?" I take his hand, slowly lingering on his fingertips.
"Yeah, precisely. It was with you." He pulls his hand away. Jumping off the tramp, knocking me off my balance, before I can chase his getaway.
"Jenks, this is ridiculous. I’m sorry, alright!" I hop off the vibrating frequencies of the trampoline.
"I thought we were getting somewhere, our late night meet ups, the way your expression changes once we’re together.” With a shrug of his muscles, I frown.
“I can’t seem to get over something between us. Tell me you don’t feel this connection? Am I crazy?” His words exhausted. My syllables disappear, I don’t make a single pronunciation.
I’d like to take him, hold his hand, and kiss him with my eyes closed. Turn the tables and remember why living was so worth experiencing.
Seconds passed too soon into minutes and all I realized was his taillights. Leading him away from where I stood, leaving me to stand in a vacancy of wonder.
Stinks
16
I contemplate loving you, I really do. I become fond of the idea of us together years from now. For the longest time, I ached for your affection. At the end of it all I merely come up with two concluding solutions. 1. I’ve never wanted to be in love. 2. I don’t know if I can offer the love you need.