Over her shoulder she threw out, “I’ll meet you at your truck. Just let me get my car.”
I felt a little better that she sounded so reasonable. I sat on the hood of my truck waiting for her to come around. I saw Taylor and Marisa walking my direction and prayed they would walk right past me.
“Feelin’ lonely?” Taylor asked.
“Not at all,” I said. “Go away.”
“So grumpy Elliott. I wonder why,” she said glancing at Marisa.
“Go away Taylor,” I said.
I wanted to act as neutral as possible with her. Taylor was exactly the kind of girl that mistook negative attention for good.
“Well, after that little speech today, Marisa told me that she thought you might want someone to talk to.”
“Sure she did,” I said.
Taylor tried to sit next to me on the hood but I put my hand up.
“Don’t even think about it Taylor.”
She stopped and stood a few inches beside me legs. She rested her arm on the hood and let her hand inch closer to my knee.
“What are you doing Taylor?” I asked, jumping off the hood.
Jules came driving around and parked in the empty space beside me. She got out of her car and Taylor and Marisa stood firmly together.
“What’s going on?” Jules asked tucking her hands in the back of her jean’s pockets, probably trying to restrain herself.
“Nothing,” I said, glancing over my shoulder, “Taylor and Marisa were just leaving.”
“Yes,” said Taylor, “I just came over to offer Elliott some assistance.”
“Assistance?” Jules asked, her brows pinched.
“Yeah,” said Taylor. “After Elliott’s little speech to Jesse Thomas today at lunch I thought that since you weren’t doing him any favors that I might be able to help.”
“Favors?” Jules asked fully comprehending. “So, Elliott, you told Jesse Thomas that I don’t do you any favors?”
“He told the whole lunch room,” Taylor interrupted.
“Is that true Elliott?” Jules asked, pain flashing across her face.
“No,” I said, “not exactly”.
“Well if it’s not true, then how would Taylor get wind of something like that?”
I started to explain again but turned toward the harpies instead, “Do you mind? This is a private conversation.”
When I turned back around, Jules had already worked her way to her car and was in the driver’s seat. She slammed the door shut and started the engine. By the time I got to her she had started to drive off. I pounded my fist on the driver’s side window but she raised her hand and closed her eyes, when she opened them I saw the tears. I let her drive off and ran back to my truck.
“You’re a horrible person Taylor Williams,” I said before turning to Marisa, “and if you’re not careful Marisa you could become one too.”
As I drove off, Taylor’s expression was one of smugness but Marisa looked genuinely concerned. I hoped it helped her see Taylor’s deceitfulness and maybe change the direction her life was heading toward.
I went to Jules’ house first but she wasn’t there and no one answered the door. I stopped by my house and my mom said that Jules never came by. I peeked into Thatcher’s then Sadie’s windows but she was nowhere to be found. I was hoping that she wouldn’t have gone to the rock bridge but was pretty certain that was the first place I should have gone. It was a dangerous place to go by yourself.
I drove toward the creek and felt ill to my stomach. I trekked through the forest to our little secluded spot and saw her standing there on the edge of the bridge, her hands folded into herself, her hair flurried with the changing wind. She closed her eyes and breathed in the crisp air.
“Jules!” I yelled a few feet away.
She turned my way, her eyes were swollen from crying. I’d seen other girls cry before and the result was never something that attractive. Her salty tears had a youthful affect on her. Her eyes were brighter as well as her cheeks and her throat looked flush with life.
“Oh Jules, please babe. There’s been a misunderstanding sweetheart. Please let me explain.”
I finally made it up the flat marble of the rock bridge. She stared into the creek below. The sun was starting to set and I cursed myself for forgetting my flashlight. She stood quietly waiting for me to speak.
“Jules, listen, I was really upset with what happened last night and wanted so desperately to speak with you about it. I had tried to pick you up for school but you had gone so that just increased the irritation I had for myself and at lunch you weren’t there and that just sent me over the edge. I basically took it out on Jesse at lunch. I know I should have chosen a more private venue for the conversation. Plus, our topic wasn’t the one Taylor gave you the impression it was.
“I was trying to talk to Jesse about how upset I was so I told him what happened,” I watched a tear fall down her cheek, “but I was discrete about it! I told him what you meant to me, that I am just as responsible for you as you are for yourself. I wanted him to know how it’s supposed to be and that the way he is acting is self-destructive.
“He got really defensive and condescendingly brushed me off. I stood and let him know what I thought of him and the cafeteria caught the latter end and it spiraled out of control from there. That’s why Taylor was out there, she was trying to take advantage of a weak moment. Please don’t let her do that to us Jules.”
Jules turned toward me, wiping her eyes as dry as she could get them. I took her hands in mine and they were freezing. I warmed them by bringing her body in closer for a hug. I was wearing a t-shirt with a button up flannel over it so I took her hands and put them inside my open shirt and onto my back. I wrapped my jacket around her body and kissed the top of her head.
“Jules?” I asked after a moment.
“Yes Elliott?” She asked, her voice cracked from crying.
“Why did you leave me last night?”
“Because,” she said.
“Because why?” I prodded.
She sighed, “Because I was ashamed and so embarrassed, not that what you did was wrong or anything. It’s just, there is nothing more humiliating than being rejected, especially when you put yourself out there like that.
“I was so vulnerable and I felt like I’d been scolded like a child. I know I was too sensitive about it but I was so exposed and I felt like I needed to guard myself again. The only way I could do that was by getting out of there. The rejection damaged my heart a little. I felt slighted and unattractive, like you didn’t want me.”
“Oh my God Jules! That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” I said laughing.
She pulled away and gave me the dirtiest look I’d ever seen her give.
“You’ve done it again!” She said, pulling away.
I grabbed her and put her back as she had been. She resisted but I forced her to.
“Jules, I meant that it’s stupid to ever think that I’d never want you! Do you have any clue how difficult it was to stop myself? I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life like I want you but I would never compromise you for it. It’s my duty to protect you, even sometimes from yourself, and especially from me. I want you forever Jules and waiting a little while isn’t a big deal to me. Our time will come and...........Jules?”
“Hmm?”
“It will be the best times ever.”
She hugged me closely and I grabbed her chin. I brought it up to my mouth and kissed her profoundly. Our shared galvanized current made us forget the cold night air. When I came up to breathe, I noticed how dark it was.
“Wouldn’t it be nice,” I sighed at the moon.
“What? If we were older?” She smiled.
Chapter Five
The Dream of the Ruthless Ideal
The next day, at school, Jules and I walked through the halls hand in hand as always and squashed all the rumors Taylor Williams had worked so hard to start.
“Let’s go to the roc
k bridge again tonight. There’s something I need to talk to you about,” I said.
“Uh oh,” she fretted.
“It’s serious, but not bad serious,” I said trying to pacify any anxiety.
“Whatever you say,” she laughed.
I kissed her at the door to her Art class and as it closed behind her I caught a glimpse of a disappointed Taylor. I shook my head and rolled my eyes while I walked to my U.S. History class with Coach Miles. I was glad I had history first because Jesse was in that class and I needed to apologize. It’s not that I didn’t mean what I had said during lunch, only that I shouldn’t have done it in such a public manner.
“Hey Jesse,” I said softly.
He nodded, avoiding eye contact, staring toward a depressing vinyl tile.
“Listen,” I began, “I want to apologize for blowing up on you yesterday, dude. I......”
But before I could finish, he cut me off, “Elliott, I need you to break up with Julia Jacobs.”A small smile curved at his lips, his eyes still plastered to the floor.
He said it so matter-a-factly, so blasé, so ‘can you believe this weather we’re having? Isn’t it a doozy?’. I thought he was joking at first. I even began to laugh a little but the narrow eyed expression he burrowed through me gave me a tiny prickling sensation in my stomach and told me just how wrong I was to assume so, told me he wasn’t joking, that he was one hundred percent serious.
“What?” I asked.
“I need you and Julia to no longer be together. Is that clearer?”
His tone was soft and unnerving. I hardly recognized it.
“Crystal,” I breathed, “Jesse, are you insane?”
That wasn’t rhetoric. I was sincerely concerned. He only ignored me.
“Stop playing Jesse. Come on.”
“I’m not playing,” a stone faced Jesse said, “I am genuine. You must break up with her.”
“I must?”
“Must.”
“And if I said no?” I laughed nervously, still trying to feel out the situation.
“You won’t say no.”
“Well, I’m saying no.”
He snorted. “Let’s just say, if you don’t, you’ll force me to do something......drastic.”
“Be careful, Jesse,” I said through gritted teeth.
“After you so carelessly let me take her out, I decided that I want her and I think you should give her to me.”
“You’ve decided that you want her? And you expect me to give her to you?” The ridiculousness of it was mind boggling to me. It was so ludicrous that I foolishly didn’t even feel that threatened, more concerned with his mental health.
“Yes, I like her legs.” He chuckled, “She has absolutely no interest in me at all and I’ve never run across that before.” The ego. “I feel challenged and to be honest with you I need a challenge. I’m so bored. Granted, she’s sort of chatty but I’m sure I could remedy that.”
“Get over yourself Jesse.”
He laughed.
“I’m going to get her from you, one way or another.”
“Think you can frighten me into submission? You couldn’t be more off the mark. I would kill for her. I would even kill you, despite the fact we used to play together as babes.”
“I’ve only begun to frighten you Gray.”
That was very true. It was official, he was insane. These past few weeks, I had very strong suspicions but was in total and utter denial. This robotic, psychotic version of Jesse that sputtered out this dribble was in fact the new Jesse. The final version. I could see in his cold, dead eyes that he had snapped and that it had been a long time coming.
In retrospect, my first clue should have been when I caught him as kids on two separate occasions trying to mutilate live animals. The first time, he made an excuse and I shrugged it off but the second time there was no mistaking what he was doing and I had proceeded to scream and yell and explain until I was blue in the face how cruel it was. He had bowed his head and apologized and I was naive enough to think that I had gotten through to him, that it was just a phase because I hadn’t caught him doing anything else since, but I could no longer deny that my best friend was insane.
Then there was the way he treated women, yet another red flag. The puzzle pieces were fitting together and I could no longer make excuses for him. I knew now that somewhere in this world there was probably a hidden pile of cruelty that he was responsible for and I wondered where the hell it was and I hoped to God it was only animals. You’ve only begun to frighten me. I repeated it to myself so I could fully absorb it.
“If you refuse to let me have her, then I’ll just take her and I’m betting you’re not going to like what I plan to do with her if it comes to that.”
Rage.
“Touch a hair on her head,” I said, surprisingly even for the explosion coursing through me, “and I will tear you limb from limb. Remove her from your thoughts Jesse. That is the kindest warning you will get from me. Don’t underestimate me.”
“Suit yourself but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He tipped his head toward the ground and shook it.”
“God but did I warn you.”
He lifted his face and his expression shocked the hell out of me. He appeared extremely pleased with the direction our conversation was going, like I was saying all the right lines. It was paralyzing.
“Jesse are you psychotic?”
“I wouldn’t say such a word if I were you.”
“Why? Does that accusation hit too close to home for you? I can see it in your eyes Jesse.”
“Choose your words wisely Gray.”
“You are aren’t you? You’re a bona fide psychotic. How could I have not seen it before?”
“Say that word one more time Gray. I dare you.”
Go ahead Gray. Provoke the deranged psychopath.
“Psychotic.”
He slowly slid his eyes closed and took two deep breaths. He hurled himself at me and I began my second fight for that year.
He crashed into me with pathetic force, or maybe it just seemed that way because the adrenaline streaming through my veins might as well have made me a brick wall. I yanked my hands from my pocket and stood up. He let go of me, straightened himself, and rubber banded his right elbow behind his back, forming a tight fist.
I shoved my chair behind me with my right foot and steadied myself for the next blow. He swung his right fist toward my temple and I blocked it with the back of my left forearm. I swung with my right hand swiftly under his pitiful chin and knocked his head back.
The blood and spit spilled from his lips and I watched as it splattered across the same vinyl tile he had so closely been studying just a minute before. He stuttered backward into Katie Shannon and she shoved him off of her body and ran toward the door where the rest of the class hovered, waiting for our scrap to die out or for Coach Miles to enter and intervene.
He regained his balance and the hate emanated from his eyes. I’ve never seen eyes that looked like that. It was as if I could see into the depths of his wicked heart and it sent chills down my spine. I held out my hand and told him to back off but he sprinted toward me with unspeakable rage billowing from his stare. Great.
He attacked again, but I didn’t even give him the chance to get near before kicking my right leg in front of me and striking the middle of his chest. I heard the huff of his breath break short. He groaned in pain. His body listlessly curled around my foot, his hands brushed against my knee in reaction to the force and he stumbled drunkenly over several desks rolling onto the floor just as Coach entered the room.
***
I sat in the Principal's office and could see the idiot across the lobby laying unconscious still in the nurse’s office on her pleather padded bench. When Coach Miles came out he grabbed my arm and tugged me into the hallway. I leaned against the cold tiled wall with my arms folded.
“The kids in class told me you were just defending yourself Elliott,” he said, “but what I wanna’ know is w
hy.”
“Am I in trouble?” I asked, not truly caring if I was or not.
“No, since every one’s stories check out you’re free to go back to class with me, but first, I want you to explain to me what happened. What started it?”
“He’s insane,” I said, honestly.
“Elliott, I thought Jesse was your best friend?” He asked, confused.
It probably was more unsettling to him that we had a game Friday and he didn’t want two of his players at odds. I didn’t feel like explaining something to him that he would just shrug off anyway, so I lied.
“Nothing. Really Coach. It’s a misunderstanding and I think we’ll be okay soon.”
I almost said for Friday’s game instead of soon but caught myself. He would have seen right through that as my way of only appeasing him. I guess it was an acceptable enough answer for him because he started down the hall toward his classroom and I followed. I had never looked forward to Mrs. Kitt’s class so much in my life. I sat in History following the sluggish tick of the second hand paying absolutely no attention to the lesson.
My thoughts turned back to the disastrous turn of events. I’ve only begun to frighten you, he had said. Acid from my stomach began to creep into my throat. I couldn’t sit there any longer. I grabbed my bag and jacket and rocketed from my desk into the hall. Coach started to protest but I had already started for my truck and wasn’t about to turn back.
I sat in the cab, shivering from the cold, wrapping my jacket closer to my body, collecting my thoughts. I thought about how I was going to handle Jesse and wondered if I was overreacting. Stop trying to find an excuse for him. He’s not the same Jesse anymore.
I wondered if I was going to tell anyone about our conversation, I wondered if they would believe me, but mostly I wondered how I was going to keep Jesse away from Jules. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do when the bell rang.
It startled me from my dark thoughts. It startled me because it meant something to me that it had never meant before. Its shrill tone marked the end of a euphoric existence with Jules and the beginning of an uncertainty. I was scared and I never get scared because, I realized, I had never had anything worth losing before.