*^*^*
The next morning, I woke up before Fiona. Which was a lie because I hadn’t really slept. I’d been in and out, but it had been more like napping.
I tried not to be a total creeper, but I did lay there and watch her chest rise and fall. She’d always slept on her back, something that I always found odd and endearing. To be honest, I found nearly everything about Fi odd and endearing. I didn’t know what she’d told her parents, but when I asked her what they would say about her not coming home, she’d just shrugged. Okay.
I listened, but didn’t hear anything from the kitchen, so I opened the door and tiptoed out. My plan was to make a quick breakfast for me and Fi and then sneak back into the studio to give Anna and Lacey some space.
But as soon as I put some bread in the toaster oven, the bedroom door opened and Anna came out, her hair all over the place and a sleepy smile on her face.
“Good morning,” she said, shuffling to the coffeemaker. She was moving a little stiffly and I was not going to ask.
“Um, Fiona stayed over last night. She got tired and didn’t want to go home. She slept on the couch.” I felt the need to add the last thing so she wouldn’t get any ideas. Anna slowly turned to me.
“Oh did she now?” she said, leaning her hip against the counter. Ugh. I knew this was going to happen.
“We’re not sex-crazed like some people,” I said and she batted at my shoulder with her hand.
“Look, you try being in a semi-long distance relationship with a smoking hot girlfriend and then tell me how that goes for you.” If, if Fi and I decided to do this thing, we’d be long distance for another two years for us to both finish school. Two years was a long fucking time. I didn’t know if I could get through that.
But I was getting too far ahead of myself. I always did that.
“Whatever,” I said, and turned to watch the toast so it didn’t burn. The last thing I needed today was burned toast. Anna hummed to herself as she grabbed some pastries, put them on a plate and then put the plate on a tray, along with two cups of coffee and some orange juice.
“Stop trying to make the rest of us look bad,” I said as she marched back toward the bedroom with her and Lacey’s breakfast.
“No one’s stopping you,” she said as she knocked on the door and then Lacey sleepily admitted her.
Just as I was buttering my own toast, Fiona tiptoed out of the studio.
“Hey,” she said quietly.
“You don’t have to pretend you’re not here. This isn’t a walk of shame. I told Anna you’d stayed over and made it clear that you’d slept on the couch,” I said, but Fi still seemed worried.
“It’s fine. You’re welcome here,” I said, going over and rubbing her arm. She gave me a shy smile and I really wanted to kiss her. I really wanted to pull her into my arms and smile into her mouth and kiss her until the coffee brewed again. Then I wanted to sit on the couch, our legs entwined, and feed each other breakfast and maybe watch an old movie.
Unfortunately, I had to work, and she had to go home. Still, we could at least eat breakfast together in the studio on the couch. Almost as good.
“What are you going to do today?” I asked. I didn’t want to seem like I was nagging her. I just really wanted to know what she was going to do when she wasn’t with me.
“I don’t know. I might, um, stop at the café for a bit? If that’s okay?”
“Of course it’s okay! I’d love to see you. I’ll bring you free food.” Jen and Sal wouldn’t care. Her eyes lit up.
“Would there be croissants?”
“Ladybug, there will always be croissants.”
Nine
She did go home for a little bit, and then showed up at the café a few hours into my shift. I’d been looking up and waiting to see her.
“She’s not here yet,” Daisy said the fortieth time I’d done it. Since it was currently slow, I’d joined her in the bakery for a little while, helping to mix frosting and glaze for cupcakes, pastries, and other confections. She wouldn’t give me the pastry bag and let me decorate any of them yet, but I had hope by the end of the summer she might. Daisy could be a little bit of a control freak in her bakery. Which was fair, I guessed.
“I know,” I said, going back to sifting confectioner’s sugar into the mixing bowl.
“You are completely head over ass, aren’t you?” she said and I wanted to protest, but she was pretty much right.
“I mean . . . it’s complicated.” Daisy wiped her cheek, which only smeared more frosting on it.
“Isn’t it always? What are you going to do?” I’d given her the basic story of what had happened last night. I didn’t feel bad telling Daisy, considering she’d sort of been through a similar thing with her current girlfriend, Molly. They too had been best friends growing up, but they had only kissed once and hadn’t really gotten together until years later. Still, she could offer me some valuable advice. And things had worked out for her, which was ideal.
“I don’t know. I haven’t had a time to process it. Not even staying up all night and thinking about all the possibilities. And I want to do the right thing, but I don’t know what the right thing is.” Daisy thought about that as I turned the mixer on and watched the glaze come together. She tapped my arm to tell me when it was at the right consistency. I turned off the machine.
“What if you thought about what you wanted, instead of what was right? I mean, if you only made decisions about what to do based on what was right, you’d never do anything reckless or risky.” That was true. And I hadn’t done much that was reckless or risky in my life. That just wasn’t my style. Maybe that needed to change.
“Just think about what you want. What you want your life to look like. Is Fiona in it? Picture your ideal life and then act accordingly.” That gave me a lot to think about and I just happened to look up and see Fiona walk through the door. The sun lit her up and it was like I’d been punched in the heart.
“I wish you could see your face right now,” Daisy said, but her voice sounded like it was coming from far away. I found myself walking out from behind the bakery half-wall and moving toward her. I was covered in sugar and butter and vanilla, but I didn’t care.
“Hi,” I said, as if we were the only two people in the café.
“Hey,” she said, the cutest smile on her face. She had another dress on, a short yellow one with a full skirt that looked like it would be great for dancing and twirling.
I pictured us dancing together, me swirling her under my arm even though she was the taller of the two of us. We’d danced that way before. Prom. My brain was ripping me into the past, reminding me of how beautiful she’d been in that silky green dress.
It had been perfect. Absolutely perfect.
We blinked at teach other and then both started laughing.
“I missed you,” I blurted out. It had literally been a few hours, but I had missed her. Ridiculous.
“I missed you,” she said and I realized I should probably show her to a table and let her sit down.
“Oh, sorry.” I looked around and found that one of the smallest little iron tables was free. The café was a conglomeration of things that didn’t seem to go together but did. I loved the shabby chic and comfy vibe.
I seated her and she picked up a menu.
“I didn’t get a chance to look last time,” she said about the menu.
“Okay, cool. Take your time. As much as you need. No rush.” I was losing it. I could feel my cheeks getting red.
“Okay,” she said, also blushing a little. Secondhand blushing. I dashed back to the bakery without asking if she wanted something to drink.
“You are the absolute cutest, I could die,” Daisy said, resting her chin on her hands.
“Shut up,” I said, willing my cheeks to stop burning. “It’s not like that.”
“It’s like something, my dear,” she said with a wink.
It certainly was.
*^*^*
She was still there
at the end of my shift. She’d pulled a book out of her purse, a giant non-fiction tome that she seemed to be halfway through. I couldn’t stop sneaking peeks at her while she was reading. I also wanted to borrow the book when she was done.
I finished my side work and made sure that everything was done before I washed my hands, took my apron off, and grabbed my bag. She was still engrossed in her book, so I had to tap her on the shoulder to get her attention.
“Were you waiting for me?” I asked, since to assume would be a little presumptuous.
“Yeah. I just decided to take a day off from . . . everything and read. I don’t do that enough.” I wasn’t sure what she did with her time when she was home. Her parents worked during the day, so I assumed it was very lonely, and her sister was ten years older, so she was off living her own life. Trista had gone as far away from home as she could and married a man from Belize, which her parents weren’t thrilled about. I was thrilled for her.
“You should relax, especially when it’s summer. I think I should help you with your relaxing,” I said. “We can make a list! Or a spreadsheet!” I loved both lists and spreadsheets and electronic documents. I loved tracking everything from my homework to my life goals. It made me feel like I had a handle on things when mostly I didn’t. My goals might be more abstract, like “get an internship” and “buy a house”, but they did have deadlines that I planned on sticking to.
Fi rolled her eyes.
“Okay, okay. I’ll let you make me a list. But no scheduling. That gives me anxiety.” I sat down with her and she pulled out a notebook from her bag, turning to a fresh page.
“I want to read twenty books this summer,” she said, patting the enormous tome. I raised my eyebrows.
“Books that thick?” I asked.
“Well, not all this thick. I’ve got some shorter ones in ebook.” That sounded more do-able. I motioned with my hand for her to write it down.
“You have a much better chance of doing it if you write it down.” She thought and then a slow smile took over her face. She wrote deliberately slowly and then crossed the item out before turning the notebook so I could read it.
Kiss a cute girl.
Well. That was adorable and made my heart flutter.
“You dork,” I said.
“Hey, it’s something I did.” I laughed and then told her to get on with it. She added going to the beach and swimming at least ten times, eating as much ice cream as she could, spending an entire day in bed, going on a road trip, catching up on all the shows she was behind on, and going out in public without underwear.
The last thing was more of a joke, but she wrote it down when I said it, so it was on the list. And I was blushing my face off.
“See? That’s plenty. You’re already working on the reading, so let’s tick another one off the list. How about we get some ice cream?” She closed the notebook and nodded.
Ten
“I think I’m going to die. I’m pretty sure we ate one entire cow’s worth of ice cream.” I made a face.
“I don’t really want to think about what ice cream is made of right now,” I said, leaning back on the picnic table. She leaned over and swiped the corner of my mouth where I bet there was some fudge or sprinkles lingering. I froze and she stuck her finger in her mouth to lick off whatever it was. I was having déjà vu. I was full to the brim of ice cream and I wanted to kiss her.
She smiled at me and my heart fluttered and we were definitely having a moment at this tiny ice cream stand that was only open in the summers because not many people wanted to eat ice cream in December in Maine.
And then she turned away from me and pulled something out of her bag. Okay, moment over.
Quickly, she scribbled something down and then turned the notebook so I could read it. I was so captivated by her that it took a second for me to figure out how to read again.
Kiss Serena.
Oh. Well now. She raised one eyebrow as if to ask me if it was okay.
“I mean, it’s on the list. We have to do it,” I said, pretending like I was having trouble with that. “Oh nooooooo.”
She grinned at me.
“Shut up,” she said and pulled my chin toward hers.
Her lips were still cool from the ice cream and I could taste the caramel swirl on her tongue. We still hadn’t made any decisions about us, but here we were, kissing again.
Every single thought and hesitation melted out of my head and all I could think about was the feel of her mouth on mine and the sparks firing in my body. Fuck, kissing Fiona was one of the greatest experiences I was probably ever going to have.
Her tongue flirted with mine and we sunk deeper into the kiss. My heart pounded in my ears and I knew my hands were doing things on the border of being indecent in public. Fi laughed and pulled away.
“Your hands are cold,” she said, and I realized my fingers had been messing with the straps on her dress. Oops?
“Maybe we should . . . go somewhere else,” I said, looking around to see if we’d scandalized any of the other people at the ice cream stand. So far, no one was paying attention to us since there was a kid throwing a tantrum about sprinkles that had captured everyone’s attention by the unbelievable volume of noise he produced from such a tiny body.
“Yeah,” she said, and as I stood up, she grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. Okay, we were doing this. She looked at me and I squeezed her hand back.
*^*^*
“So what are you and Fiona doing, exactly?” Anna asked me one evening when Fi had to have dinner with her parents. I had no idea what she was telling them she was doing when she wasn’t at home, but they seemed to be okay with her explanations. Or, at least they weren’t calling in missing person’s reports on her.
“That . . . is a good question that I don’t know the answer to, and I don’t know when I’ll know the answer. I keep waiting for one. I keep telling myself that we need to figure our shit out, but I’m having a nice time with her. It’s a relief to just . . . be. To hang out and kiss a little and not have the pressure. We’re having fun. Why does it have to have a definition slapped on it?” Anna raised her eyebrows. It was kind of a speech.
“I’m not pressuring you. I just wanted to know what’s going on and if you wanted to talk to me. Because you seem happy. And I’m happy for you. And I love you.” She held out her arms and I fell into them.
“Thanks, Anna,” I said, my words muffled in her shirt.
“Anytime, babe. And you don’t have to define anything. Not to me. Not to anyone. Not unless you want to.” I nodded. Why was I feeling like I wanted to cry?
“Part of me is screaming that I should want to define this and make a statement and make a decision, but the rest of me is just having a good time. It’s . . . interesting. And sometimes annoying.” Anna nodded.
“I know what you mean. Take your time. Take all the time you need.” I didn’t have that much time, though. The summer didn’t last forever and sooner or later, I was going to have to say goodbye to Fi and figure out what the hell we were going to do moving forward.
I wanted her. I wanted us. I wanted to be with her. But I didn’t know how that would work in practice. Or if I was even capable of it. Or if she wanted it. We’d been skating around the issue so obviously, and something was going to have to give. One of us was going to have to cave and start the conversation. Just . . . not yet.
We’d checked off a number of things on her list, but one was missing and one I had actually been planning for.
A road trip. In spite of us both being from Maine, we’d never really explored that much of the state and I had started plotting out a hypothetical road trip. One that would take a few days and make a number of stops. Including a night or two at an inn or hotel. I hadn’t made reservations anywhere, but I’d picked places. I didn’t want to make the plans if she couldn’t do it, or she didn’t want to. Then I’d be out of luck and money. I had some squirreled away from my job and I couldn’t think of a better use for i
t. Living with Anna and Lacey was saving me a lot of cash, which was great. Paying for school was going to be a tiny bit less sucky in the fall.
“So, I have a proposition for you,” I said one night when we were hanging out in the studio together and just doing nothing. I liked making plans with her and setting out a schedule, but more often than not, we just did whatever we felt like. Sometimes that was laying on the couch and talking about all the plot holes in Disney movies and fighting over a can of Pringles.
“Okay?” she said. She looked wary.
“It’s not something bad. Why are you going negative? I haven’t even told you what it is.” She stuck her tongue out at me.
“Fine, what is it?”
I had totally planned this part, and pulled out the printed spreadsheet and list I’d made for the trip.
“I want to check something else off your list.” Her eyes scanned down the list and then she smiled.
“A road trip, huh? A multiple-day road trip? And we’re going to be staying overnight?” One of her eyebrows went higher.
“I’m not trying to seduce you,” I said in a completely unconvincing tone. I mean, I wasn’t. I definitely wasn’t.
“Are you sure about that?” she asked, setting the list aside and using her arms to crawl up to where I was. We’d been laying pretty much head to foot. Suddenly, her mouth was very close to my mouth.
“Do you want me to seduce you?” I asked. The air had changed in the blink of an eye and things were . . . different. Again.
“Do I look like I want to be seduced?” she asked, and I was about ready to explode. This was different than just kissing. She was asking for something beyond that.
I didn’t know what to say.
I opened my mouth and she answered for me. She kissed me.