I gasped into her mouth and she softened her approach. Still, the second her lips touched mine, I couldn’t help but reach for her. Reach for more.
I pulled her face closer and let my tongue answer her. My other hand stroked up and down her side, making her shirt ride up a bit.
I was in so much trouble.
And I didn’t give a single fuck.
Fi started making these desperate little sounds as we kissed and I felt like I was going to completely lose it. I needed her. I wanted her. This was different than when we’d been together before. The fire burned hotter; brighter.
Desire thrashed inside me and my entire body shook with it. I’d never experienced it like this. Not even before.
“I want you so much,” I said and she moaned. I was about ready to lose all sense and reason, but she put a hand on my chest and pushed herself back.
“Are you sure?” she asked. Her eyes were bright and she was so beautiful it hurt to look at her.
“Yes,” I said. “I want you. And I want . . . I want to try this.” The words that I’d been holding back for days spilled out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop them.
“I want to see what we could be. Together.” I stroked her cheek and she smiled.
“I want that too. And you. I want you.” I couldn’t stop the smile that probably took up my entire face.
“So we’re doing this?” she asked.
“We’re doing this,” I said. She rolled over onto her back and looked up at the ceiling and started to laugh.
“Life is strange sometimes, isn’t it?” she said. I turned on my side and looked at her profile.
“Yeah, it is.”
Eleven
“This car is halfway filled with snacks,” Fi said the next weekend when we were packing up my little hatchback for our road trip. I’d gotten the time off work, she’d told her parents whatever she’d told them, and we were booked at a few inns and bed and breakfasts along the Maine coast. I was both nervous and more excited than I’d ever been before.
We hadn’t told everyone about our change in relationship status. For now, it felt a little private. Like I wanted to stay just in our bubble and not share anything yet. Of course, Anna gave me a knowing look before she left for work and told us to be careful. And then gave me a wink and I knew exactly what she was thinking. But I’d deal with that when I got back. We had four days ahead of us together. Just us.
“You can never have too many snacks,” I said. I also had a first aid kit, enough sunscreen and bug spray for ten people, an emergency blanket and flares, and several jugs of water. Just in case. I liked being prepared.
“You ready to go?” she asked as she slammed the trunk.
“Ready if you are,” I said, putting on my sunglasses.
“Yup,” she said, coming over to give me a kiss. I couldn’t believe we were doing this. I never thought that we’d get to this place.
“Let’s go, Cricket,” she said and went to open the passenger door for her.
“After you, Ladybug.”
A few hours later, Fi was grateful for my snacks. So far, we’d stopped at two strange antique stores, taken pictures near a lighthouse, and had been nearly run off the road by exactly two vehicles. Typical.
We had taken about five dozen selfies, but I hadn’t been happy with any of them.
“I hate my hair,” I said. “It’s just so boring.” Fi thought about that.
“Turn left up here,” she said and I did it without asking why we were turning into a Walmart parking lot. I figured she had to pee.
“Come on,” she said, getting out of the car and reaching for me. I took her hand and followed her into the store. She dragged me toward the beauty department and stood me in front of the hair dye.
“Pick one.” I turned and slowly looked at her.
“You’re not serious.”
“Why not? I could cut yours if you want, too. I got pretty good at doing my own.” I didn’t know she’d cut her own hair. It looked amazing.
“I don’t know . . .” I said, my eyes blurring at all the choices.
“Close your eyes,” she said, taking my hands. “What kind of hair do you want to have, but were scared to?”
“Blue fading into purple with an undercut on one side,” I said and opened my eyes. It was the look I’d been aching for since I saw it on someone else’s Instagram.
“Okay, we’re going to need dye and bleach and clippers. And scissors so I can give you a little trim.” She stroked her fingers through my ponytail and then gave it a tiny yank.
“Ow,” I said and she kissed my cheek.
Just a mere two hours later, we were in the bathroom of the cute as hell inn we’d chosen for the night and the smell of bleach was making me feel dizzy.
“Now if it starts itching like crazy, let me know,” she said. I was nervous about this. I was skeptical. I was kind of freaking out. But I was doing it because I wanted to do something. I wanted to be the kind of girl who just dyed her hair. If I could pretend to be that girl, then maybe I could fake it until I became her.
To distract me from the smell of the bleach and my scalp itching, Fi danced and sang in front of me, making me laugh until I had tears streaming down my face. And I didn’t think they were a result of the bleach.
“You’re amazing,” I said and she blushed a little.
“Thanks.” We shared one of those moments when our eyes just sort of locked and everything else faded away and all I could see was her.
“Things are going to be different this time, aren’t they?” I asked.
“Yes. They are. I’m not going to let anything, least of all my own insecurities, get in the way again. We’re going to be adults and talk about things instead of making rash decisions.” I nodded.
“We’re very mature now,” I said.
“I promise you, Cricket. I promise I won’t make decisions about our relationship without talking to you first. Okay?” I reached for her hand and kissed her palm.
“I promise you the same thing, Ladybug. We’re in this together. You and me, against the world.” And our parents, probably. And distance. We hadn’t talked about that part yet, but I figured we could cross that bridge when we got back from this trip. This was a new beginning.
The timer on her phone went off and we rushed to rinse out the bleach in the huge tub before she dried my hair and put the dye on, painting the blue at my roots and mixing it with the purple that dominated the ends. I almost didn’t care what it looked like. I just wanted a change.
While the color marinated on my head, Fi called for room service. I was nervous that they would reprimand us for doing hair dye in the bathroom, but the guy who came up didn’t even give me a second look.
“We had so many snacks today,” I said, looking at the little rolling table that was piled with food. French fries and lobster rolls and chocolate mousse and a huge plate of heirloom tomatoes with salt, pepper, and olive oil.
A Maine feast.
We sat along the edge of the tub and stuffed our faces as my color cooked. I ate so much that I was barely able to move afterwards, but I had no regrets. Fi had a tiny speck of chocolate mousse in the corner of her mouth and it was like one of our things. I leaned over and instead of using my finger, I used my tongue to wipe it away, which led to us both ignoring the timer on her phone in favor of kissing. I didn’t think it would matter. My hair wasn’t going to fall off, and if it did, totally worth it.
Kissing Fiona Davis was the best thing of all things.
At last, we washed out the dye and then Fi gave me a trim and parted my hair for the undercut. I’d almost forgotten about this part of the deal because I was so dazzled by the color. I looked like a mermaid. A kind of badass mermaid.
“You ready?” she asked, firing up the clippers. They buzzed loudly in the large bathroom.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, not sounding sure at all. She turned them off.
“You don’t have to. It looks amazing just like this.”
&
nbsp; I turned my head from side to side in the mirror. It looked great, but I wanted something more.
“Do it,” I said, meeting her eyes in the mirror. She turned the clippers back on.
“Here we go.”
*^*^*
“It feels prickly,” she said as we lay on one of the queen beds. I loved hotel sheets. They were just so nice. I wondered if there was a place you could buy hotel sheets for your own bed. I’d put them on my dorm mattress in a heartbeat.
“Are you happy with it?” she asked, still stroking the undercut side of my head.
“I am. I think it’s going to take a few days before I’ll recognize myself in the mirror. I’ve never dyed my hair before.” It felt like an extremely radical thing to do, but it wasn’t, really. It was my head and I could decide what the hair on it looked like. Still, I had the feeling my parents were going to freak when they saw it. I’d deal with that later.
Right now I’m nineteen years old and I’m on a road trip with the girl that I’m . . . dating. That was still weird for me to think of, but it was true.
“Are you my girlfriend?” We hadn’t actually said the word yet.
“I should hope so. If you want me to be,” she said, twirling some of my hair around her fingers.
“I want you to be. And I want to be yours.” She snuggled closer into my chest.
“I like thinking of being yours. And you being mine.” I did, too. It felt like we had always kind of been that way. That even when we were apart, we were still connected in some way. That we only had to find our way back to each other.
“My Cricket,” she said.
“Chirp chirp,” I said, rubbing my legs together.
“You dork.” I crossed my eyes at her.
“My beautiful dork with the amazing hair.” I did have amazing hair now. I was pretty excited about it.
She yawned and I realized how late it was. I wished we were of age to get champagne from room service, but I’d snuck a few small bottles of wine in with the snacks that I’d pilfered from Anna’s cabinet.
I pulled one of them out and poured it in some of the plastic cups the inn provided.
“Cheers,” I said, and we clinked our glasses. We hadn’t discussed sleeping arrangements, but there were two beds, so all our bases were covered.
I looked at Fi and she went to her suitcase and pulled out her pajamas. I turned around and rustled in my own suitcase. We hadn’t talked about this part either.
“You can look,” she said, her voice quiet. I pulled out a pair of shorts and a tank and turned. She had a baggy T-shirt on that skimmed the tops of her thighs, and a pair of panties. That was it.
“Wow,” I said. Seriously, wow. She tugged a little on the hem of the T-shirt to pull it to cover more.
“I wasn’t sure what I should wear, so . . .” she trailed off.
“You look amazing.” The T-shirt was faded, so I couldn’t even see what the image on the front had originally been.
“Thanks,” she said, looking down. Her bare feet curled around each other.
“Do you, um, want to sleep separately?” I asked, my voice squeaking. She bit her lip and shook her head.
“I want to sleep with you.” I wasn’t sure what that entailed, but I was all for it.
“I want to sleep with you, too.” We had done this before, but it was like we had never been naked in front of each other. Still, this felt different and new. All of it did.
“We don’t have to . . . you know. We can just sleep,” she said.
“I know.” But I wanted to. I wanted to kiss her and pull that T-shirt over her head and taste the skin of her collarbone and see if that spot by her hip still drove her wild when I licked it with my tongue. I wanted to see if she was as incredible as I remembered.
“I feel like I don’t know how to do this,” she said, so I took the lead.
“We can do whatever we want.” I walked over to her and captured her mouth. She gasped at the force of my kiss, but her hands wound instantly into my hair, pulling it just a little bit. She knew I liked that. And I knew that she loved it when I stroked the sides of her neck as we kissed.
“Wait, I have to say something,” she said, breaking our kiss. She rested her forehead against mine.
“I love you. I never stopped.” I nearly fell over. I wasn’t expecting that. I’d felt the same way, but I’d thought it was too soon. I was rushing. I was being headstrong, which wasn’t my thing at all.
And here she was, this incredible girl, telling me that she loved me.
“I love you, too. Always have. Even when I was hurt and angry at you. I never stopped. I just tried to ignore it.” But it would not be ignored. We had both made mistakes and it was time to move past them. It was time to build something new. Just the two of us.
“I’m so sorry for everything from before,” she started to say, but I put my finger to her lips.
“It doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is this.” And I kissed her again.
We went slow, as if we had centuries of time. It was both new and the same. She blushed a little when I pulled her T-shirt over her head and ran my hands up and down her sides. I nearly lost my mind when she flicked her tongue against my neck and just barely scraped my skin with her teeth.
We undressed each other slowly, savoring. I wanted to touch every inch of her skin again. Reintroduce myself.
She trembled as I lay her on the bed and danced my fingers up and down.
“You’re so beautiful,” I said before I flicked one of her nipples with my tongue. She moaned and arched her back. I smiled in satisfaction. I loved this. I’d missed this. I’d miss this more than I would ever admit.
In bed, I’d always been more of the aggressor and we fell into old patterns, but just as I was sweeping my tongue into her bellybutton, she yanked on my hair and dragged me back up to her mouth for a searing kiss. I was so turned on, I thought I was going to die from it.
“What do you want?” I asked when she released my mouth.
“Why don’t you try a few things and find out?” she asked with a quirk of one eyebrow.
This girl was going to be my undoing.
I resumed what I was doing, kissing and licking my whole way down her body. She still had the panties on, so I hooked them over her hips and she helped me get them off.
“Fuck, you’re incredible,” I said, just sitting back and looking at her.
She raked my hair back from my face and smiled.
“I’m so happy we found each other again.”
I leaned down and kissed halfway between her bellybutton and the apex of her thighs. She arched her lower half up toward my mouth and I kissed lower. I was going to take my fucking time with her.
I wanted to remember her taste. I wanted to sear this into my memory. I wanted everything.
I put my hands on the insides of her thighs and pushed them apart. She smiled wickedly down at me.
“I know what you want,” I said. I knew exactly what she wanted. Just before my mouth met her core, she moved her hips to meet my lips. My girl.
I licked her one time, long and slow and deep. All the way up and all the way down. Her hands gripped the sheets and she let out a moan. That was what I wanted. And I was going to do whatever I could to get her to make that sound over and over.
I fluttered my fingers over her clit and she started to thrash. Perfect. She was so beautiful like this. Wild and untamed. My dreamer, undone by pleasure.
I flicked her clit with my tongue and stroked her opening with my fingers before dipping them in and out, in and out. Just enough to make her beg for me to go deeper. Harder. Fiona Davis wasn’t a delicate flower.
She always wanted more.
I gave her what she wanted. I fucked her with my fingers and my mouth until she was a mess of begging and trembling. I added one more finger inside her and used the other hand to stroke her lower, just the way she liked it. That was all it took. I held on as she climaxed and savored every pulse of her body and every
single sound she made. When it was over, she panted and then looked down at me.
“You’re really good at that,” she said. I laughed a little and kissed the inside of her thigh.
“You’re worth being good at it for,” I said. Now she was dragging me back up to her mouth, attacking my tongue with hers and shoving me onto my stomach. I put a pillow under my hips and she set to work reciprocating.
“Mmm, I could just eat you up,” she said, stroking my thighs. I trembled at her touch. Getting her off had turned me on so much that it wasn’t going to take much on her part.
“Please do,” I said, looking over my shoulder.
She gave me a grin before she licked the inside of my thigh, right to my center.
“Fuck,” I said. She laughed, sexy and low.
“Your turn.”
Twelve
Later, we lay in each other’s arms.
“You know, I brought something else with me. I didn’t want to show it to you in case something happened and we decided that we weren’t ready to have sex yet,” she said as she fiddled with my hair.
“Yeah? What’s that?” She gave me a cute grin and then went to pull something out of the bottom of her bag. Two somethings.
“Oh,” I said as she held up the dildo and a strap-on harness. We’d used toys before when we were younger, but this was something else entirely.
“We don’t have to. I just brought it. Just in case. I’ve never tried it, so I’m not even sure how it’s supposed to work.” Suddenly, I was very un-tired.
“Put it on and see,” I said and what ensued was Fi getting all tangled up in the harness and me trying to help her get it on correctly.
“I feel like such a dork right now,” she said as I helped her attach the dildo. It was sparkly and purple. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I was definitely willing to try.
“What do you think?” I asked her as she skipped over to the mirror. She wiggled her hips.
“I think it looks kind of awesome.”
“Me too,” I said, standing behind her and putting my arms around her.
“But you’re probably too tired to do anything else,” she said, meeting my eyes in the mirror.