CHAPTER VIII
HIS MAJESTY IS INTERVIEWED
The next morning we were all seated around the breakfast tablelaughing over our adventures of the evening before, when we hadvisited the Earl's Court Exhibition together. We had been up in theGreat Wheel, and having passed through the pretty old English villagewere walking around the artificial lake listening to the band playingin their little pavilion on the island in the middle, when theDoctor-in-Law declared that he heard a strange trumpeting sound, andasked me what it could be. I had not heard it and so could not tellhim, and we were just discussing the matter when the Wallypug clutchedwildly at his crown, and turning around we saw a huge elephant liftingit gracefully off his head with its trunk.
Directly his Majesty realized what it was, he gave a wild scream andtook to his heels, as did all the others, with the exception of theRhymester, who tripped against a stone and lay with his head buried inhis arms for some time, kicking and screaming for help.
Of course it was only the tame elephant that carries the children onits back, but to the unaccustomed eyes of the Wallypug and his partyit seemed, so they told me afterwards, some strange and awful monsterready to devour them.
As I said, we were laughing merrily over this adventure when thepostman arrived, and the Doctor-in-Law, without asking to be excusedfrom the table, rushed out to meet him, and returned a few minuteslater with his arms loaded with a number of little packages and onerather large box, which had arrived by Carter Paterson.
"Dear me, what a lot of letters," remarked his Majesty.
"Yes. Wouldn't you like to know what they are all about, eh?" inquiredthe Doctor-in-Law.
"Yes, I should," admitted the Wallypug; while the faces of theothers all expressed the same curiosity.
A STRANGE AND AWFUL MONSTER]
"Well, I'll tell you what I'll do," said the Doctor-in-Law. "If you'llall pay me fourpence halfpenny each, I will let you open them and seefor yourselves."
There was a little grumbling at this, but eventually the money changedhands, and, the breakfast things having been removed, the littlepackages were opened with great eagerness.
Besides a printed circular, each one contained some little article--apencil case, a pen knife, a comb, a sample tin of knife polish, a cardof revolving collar studs, and so on.
"Ah!" remarked the Doctor-in-Law complacently as these articleswere spread about the table; "I told you that I expected to derive aprincely revenue from my correspondence, and now I will explain to youhow it is done. I observed a great number of advertisements in thedaily papers, stating that 'A handsome income could be earned withoutthe slightest trouble or inconvenience, and particulars would beforwarded to any one sending six stamps and an addressed envelope';so I sent off about twenty, and here is the result. I see by thesecirculars that I have only to sell two hundred of these little pencilcases at half-a-crown each in order to earn 1s. 6d. commission, andfor every dozen tins of knife polish I sell, I shall be paid 1-1/2d.,besides being able to earn 6d. a thousand by addressing envelopes forone firm, if I supply my own envelopes."
"What's in the big box?" inquired the Rhymester.
"A dittig bachede," replied A. Fish, Esq., who had been busily engagedin opening it.
"A what?" exclaimed the others.
"A dittig bachede for dittig socks," repeated A. Fish, Esq.
"Oh yes, of course!" explained the Doctor-in-Law, "a knitting machine.I was persuaded to buy it on the understanding that I was to haveconstant work all the year round, and be paid so much per pair forknitting socks with it. It's a most interesting and amusingoccupation, and, I'll tell you what, I don't mind letting any one ofyou use the machine for sixpence an hour, if you find your own worstedand give me the socks when they are finished. There now! nothingcould be fairer than that, could it?"
THE "DITTIG BACHEDE"]
And positively A. Fish, Esq., was so infatuated with the charms of the"dittig bachede," as he called it, that he actually agreed to theseterms, and sent out for some worsted, and commenced "dittig" withgreat enthusiasm. The Doctor-in-Law then set the Rhymester to work,addressing the envelopes on the understanding that he was to sharethe sixpence per thousand to be paid for them. And, having botheredthe Wallypug and myself into buying a pencil-case and a knife each, inorder to get rid of him, he started off to the kitchen to see if hecould do any business with Mrs. Putchy in the knife-polish orblack-lead line.
His Majesty and myself were just saying what an extraordinary littleman he was, when he burst in upon us again.
"Heard the news?" he inquired, his face beaming with importance.
"No. What is it?" inquired the others eagerly.
"Ah! wouldn't you like to know?" exclaimed the Doctor-in-Law. "Howmuch will you give me for telling you?"
"How much do you want?" asked the Rhymester dubiously.
"A penny each," was the reply.
"Come on then, let's have it," said the Rhymester, collecting thepennies from the others and handing them to the Doctor-in-Law.
"Why--er--er--Queen Anne is dead, and the Dutch have takenHolland--yah!" And the little man burst out laughing.
"Oh! I say, that's _too_ bad," grumbled the Wallypug. "Isn't it now?"he cried, appealing to me.
"Well, really," I replied, "you shouldn't be so silly as to give himmoney. You ought to know by this time what to expect from him."
"No, but truly," said the Doctor-in-Law, pulling a serious face, "I_have_ got some news, the other was only my fun. A lady is going tocall on us at eleven, to interview the Wallypug. I had almostforgotten it."
"A lady!" I exclaimed. "Whoever do you mean?"
"Oh, she's the Duchess of something. I forget her name," answered theDoctor-in-Law nonchalantly. "She called the other day while you wereout, and explained that she was a contributor to one of the latestsociety magazines, and was anxious to send an illustrated interviewwith the Wallypug, to her paper; so--a-hem!--after we had come toterms, I arranged for her to come to-day and see him. You had bettergo and make yourself tidy, hadn't you?" he continued, turning to theWallypug.
"Well, really," I interposed, "I think you might have consulted hisMajesty first, before making these arrangements."
"Oh! do you?" said the Doctor-in-Law rudely. "Well, I don't see thatit's any business of yours, my good sir--so there!" and he bounced outof the room again, rattling his sample tins.
It was nearly eleven then, and a few minutes afterwards abeautifully-appointed carriage drew up to the door, and Mrs. Putchybrought up a card inscribed:
_Her Grace the Duchess of Mortlake._]
and immediately ushered in a fashionably-dressed lady, who smilinglyoffered me the tips of her fingers.
"Oh, _how_ do you do? You are the gentleman, I think, who is tointroduce me to his Majesty, are you not?"
"Well, really, your Grace, we have only just heard of the appointment,but his Majesty the Wallypug will be very pleased to receive you I amsure."
"And is that his Majesty at the other end of the room?" whispered theDuchess. "Pray present me."
I made the necessary introduction, and the Duchess gave the regulationCourt 'dip,' which the Wallypug gravely imitated, and then in hisusual simple manner offered his hand with a smile.
IN THE MOST APPROVED FASHION]
Her Grace made a deep presentation curtsey and bowed over it in themost approved fashion; but the Wallypug, evidently unused to beingtreated with so much ceremony, withdrew it hastily and remarkednervously but politely:
"Won't you take a seat, madam?"
"Say, 'Your Grace,'" I whispered.
"What for?" asked his Majesty blankly.
"Because this lady is a Duchess, and you must always say 'Your Grace'when speaking to her," I replied.
"Oh!" said the Wallypug vaguely--then going up to the Duchess hesolemnly said, "I'm Grace."
"No, no!" I explained. "You don't understand me. I mean, when youspeak to this lady you must call her 'Your Grace.'"
"Dear me, how stupid of me
, to be sure!" said his Majesty. "Iunderstand now. I beg your pardon. I meant to say, 'You are my Grace,'madam," he continued, addressing himself to the Duchess.
Her Grace amiably laughed away this little mistake, and was soon busyasking questions. The Wallypug, however, got very nervous, and made ashocking lot of mistakes in his answers. He couldn't even say how oldhe was.
"I know I've been in the family for years," he remarked, "and I fancyI must have come over with William the Conqueror. Such a lot of peopledid that, you know, and it's so respectable. I don't remember it, ofcourse; but then I've been told that I was born very young, and sonaturally I shouldn't do so."
"Does your Majesty remember any of the incidents of your early life?"asked the Duchess.
"I was considered remarkably bald for my age as an infant," repliedthe Wallypug simply. "And I believe I had several measles, and a mumpor two as a child. But I don't wish to boast about them," he addedmodestly.
"Where were you educated, your Majesty?" was the next question.
"I wasn't," replied the Wallypug with a sigh.
"Does your Majesty mean that you received no education at all?" askedthe Duchess in surprise.
"Oh! I was taught reading, and writing, and arithmetic, and the use ofthe globes, and Latin and Greek, and all that rubbish, of course,"replied the Wallypug. "But I mean there were no Universities at Why,where I could receive a higher education, and be taught cricket, andfootball, and rowing, and all those classical things taught at Oxfordand Cambridge, you know. I was considered the best boy in my form atmarbles though," he added proudly. "And I could beat any of themasters at Hop Scotch."
"What is your favourite diet, your Majesty?" came next.
"Oh! jumbles, I think--or bull's eyes. I'm very fond of hardbake too,and I love cocoa-nut ice."
A few more questions such as these, and her Grace took her departure,after taking several snap-shot photographs of various articles in thedrawing room.
I felt convinced that with such a scanty amount of information at herdisposal the Duchess would have great difficulty in writing an articleon the Wallypug, and was therefore the more surprised a few days laterto receive a copy of the magazine which her Grace represented, with along and particular account of the interview, under the heading of,"'Why Wallypug and wherefore of Why?' by a Lady of Title." Into it herGrace had introduced the most preposterous and extravagant statementsabout his Majesty.
We learned with amazement that "The Wallypug came of a very ancientfamily, and had early been distinguished for many remarkableaccomplishments. While at school his Majesty displayed such a naturalaptitude for learning as to readily out-distance his instructors."
"I suppose that's because I said I played Hop Scotch better than themasters," commented his Majesty, to whom I was reading the accountaloud.
THE FAITHFUL HOUND]
Photographs of various articles in the drawing-room, which had noconnection whatever with the Wallypug, were reproduced with the mostextraordinary and absolutely untrue stories attached to them. Dick andMrs. Mehetable Murchison appeared as "The Wallypug's favourite cat anddog," while pathetic stories were told of how the dog had on severaloccasions saved his royal master from an untimely and watery grave,while the cat had prevented him from being burned to death whilereading in bed by gently scratching his nose when he had fallenasleep, and the candle had set fire to the bed curtains. Sensationalillustrations were also given depicting these incidents, which ofcourse were purely imaginary.
It was very remarkable to notice though, that directly the article ofthe Duchess's appeared, invitations from all sorts of grand peoplepoured in upon us--and the daily papers suddenly woke up to the factthat the Wallypug and his suite were very important personages, anddevoted whole columns to "Our Mysterious Foreign Guests," as theycalled them.
THE SAGACIOUS PUSSY]
There was always more or less of a crowd outside the house now, andwhen his Majesty drove in the Park, the people all stood up on thelittle green seats to get a better view of him as he passed.