CHAPTER IX
THE WALLYPUG'S OWN
It was shortly after this that the Doctor-in-Law, hearing what a vastfortune might be made in literature, decided to start a magazine ofhis own.
THE DOCTOR-IN-LAW WAS EDITOR]
After a lot of argument it was thought best to call it _The Wallypug'sOwn_, as the name was considered a striking one. The first number wasto be a very elaborate affair, and, for weeks before it appeared, allof my guests were busily engaged in its production.
"There will be a good opportunity for some of your poems appearing atlast," hinted the Doctor-in-Law to the Rhymester, which so delightedthe poor little fellow that he set to work at once upon a number ofnew ones. A. Fish, Esq., contributed a very learned article on thesubject of "The Prevalence of Toothache amongst Fish: its Cause andTreatment"; while the great attraction of the number was an historicalarticle by the Wallypug on the subject of "Julius Caesar," illustratedby his Majesty himself. As a special favour, the original drawing waspresented to me by his Majesty, and I am thus enabled to reproduce itfor your benefit. His Majesty confided to me that parts of it weretraced from a picture which appeared in the _Boys' Own Paper_ sometime ago, but of course we did not tell everybody that.
FROM "THE WALLYPUG'S OWN"]
The essay itself was quite original, and was worded somehow like this:
"_Julius Caesar was a man, and he lived in Rome. He came over to conquer Britain because he heard there was a lot of tin here, and when he arrived he said in Latin_, 'Veni, vidi, vici,' _which means, 'I have come, and thou wilt have to skedaddle', which has been the British motto ever since. But the Ancient Britons who lived here then, didn't understand Latin, and so they went for Julius Caesar, and shook their fists in his face, and tried to drive him and his followers away. But Julius Caesar and the Romans were civilized, and had daggers and things, and shields, and wore firemen's helmets, and kilts like Scotchmen, so they soon overcame the Ancient Britons; and they built London Wall, and made a lot of combs, and glass tear-bottles, and brooches, and sarcophaguses, that you can see in the Museum at the Guildhall; and then they went back to Rome, and Julius Caesar was stabbed by his friend Brutus, to show how much he liked him; and Caesar, when he found out he was stabbed, cried out in Latin_, 'Et tu, Brute,' _which means 'Oh, you brute,' and lived happy ever after. I have drawn the picture of Julius Caesar landing in Britain--that's him waving things, and calling to the others to come on._"
The Doctor-in-Law was editor, and arranged a number of competitions,and in order to enter for them you had only to send two shillings instamps, while the prizes were advertised as follows: First prize,L1000 a year for life; second prize, thirty-six grand pianos andfourteen bicycles; third prize, a sewing machine and six cakes ofscented soap. The prizes were to be awarded for the first correctanswers received by post, but the Doctor-in-Law took good care towrite three sets of answers himself, and put them in our letter-box ahalf-an-hour before the first post arrived, so that nobody got prizesbut himself. He made a good deal of money, too, by pretending to tellyour fortune by the creases in your collar. All you had to do was tosend an old collar and fourteen penny stamps, and you would receive aletter in reply similar to this:
"You are probably either a male or a female, and will no doubt livetill you die. You like to have your own way when you can get it, andwhen you can't you get very cross and irritable. You are not so youngas you were a few years ago, and you dislike pain of any kind. Youwill remain single until you marry, and whichever you do you willprobably wish you hadn't."
The greatest novelty, however, which the Doctor-in-Law introduced inhis new magazine was his system of telling your character by yourwatch and chain. There was no fee charged, and all you had to do wasto send your watch and chain (gold preferred), and the Doctor-in-Lawwould tell your character, quite correctly. It generally was asfollows:
"You are a silly donkey, for no one but a donkey would think ofsending his watch and chain to a stranger, and if you imagine that youwill ever see it again, you are greatly mistaken."
The Rhymester only had one poem in after all, as, when it came to thepoint, the Doctor-in-Law charged him a guinea a verse for printing it,and the poor Rhymester could not afford more than one poem at thatrate.
This is what he sent:
THE NEW ROBIN.
The North wind doth blow, And we ought to have snow, If 'tis true what my nurse used to sing, Poor thing.
Yet up in yon tree Robin Redbreast I see As happy and gay as a king, Poor thing.
Look! as true as I live, There's a boy with a sieve And a stick and a long piece of string, Poor thing.
But the bird doesn't care, For I hear him declare, "Pooh! the old dodge he tried in the Spring, Poor thing."
"What ridiculous cheek," And he turns up his beak Ere he tucks his head under his wing, Poor thing.
The poor Rhymester was very disappointed at not being able to publishmore of his poems, so the Doctor-in-Law, to console him, allowed himto contribute an article on "Fashions for the Month by Our ParisModel." He made a frightful muddle of it though, not knowing theproper terms in which to describe the various materials and styles.Here is an extract, which will show you better than I can tell, thestupid blunders which he made:
"_Hats this season are principally worn on the head, and may be trimmed with light gauzy stuff wobbled round the crown mixed up with various coloured ribbons, and bunches of artificial flowers and fruit._
"_Artificial vegetables are not much worn, although a cauliflower or two and a bunch of carrots, with a few cabbages, would form a striking and novel decoration for a hat. If this trimming is considered insufficient, a few brightly coloured tomatoes stuck round the brim might be added, and would render the head-gear particularly 'chic.'_
"_Hats for the theatre should be worn large and handsomely trimmed, but for the economically inclined--a last year's clothes basket trimmed with art muslin, which may be purchased of any good draper at 1-3/4d. a yard, cut on the cross and tucked with chiffons, would form a sweetly simple hat, and if tied beneath the chin with an aigrette, and the front filled in with sequins, it would readily be mistaken for one of the new early Victorian bonnets which continue to be worn by the upper housemaids in most aristocratic families._
_"I hear that dresses are to be worn again this year by ladies. The most fashionable ones will be made of various sorts of material._
_"A charming walking costume suitable for the Autumn may be made of shaded grenadine, trimmed with buckram pom-poms, made up on the selvedge edge."_
There was a lot more nonsense of this kind which I did not at allunderstand, but which some lady friends who understood these thingsmade great fun of.
You will be surprised, no doubt, to hear that in a weak moment Iallowed myself to be persuaded into contributing a little experienceof my own.
The Rhymester told me that it was shockingly bad rhyme, but I thinkthat he was jealous because the Doctor-in-Law published it. Anyhow,here it is, so you can judge for yourself. I call it
HE AND I AND IT.
Oh HE was a Publisher And I was a Publishee, And IT was a book Which the Publisher took And pub-l-i-s-h-e-d.
The Publisher's smile it was bland, 'Twas a beautiful smile to see, As again and again He took pains to explain How large my "half-profits" _might_ be.
IT had a capital sale, Well reviewed by the _Times_ and _D.T._, And a great many more, So my friends by the score Came around to congratulate me.
IT HAD A CAPITAL SALE]
And people I scarcely had met, Just "dropped in" to afternoon tea; While my aunt, who's a swell,
_Now_ remembered quite well That I was related to she.
And girls that were rich and plain, Or pretty and poor, did agree To let me suppose That I'd but to propose To be m-a-r-r-i-e-d.
MY FRIENDS ALL TURNED TAIL]
Yes, HE published IT in the Spring, That season of frolic and glee; "In the Autumn," HE said, Gravely nodding his head, "'Half-profits' will mean L.S.D."
But Autumn has come and gone, And I'm so to say, "All at sea," For HE sobs and HE sighs And HE turns up his eyes When I ask what my "half-profits" be.
There are "charges for this, and for that," And for "things that HE couldn't foresee," And HE "very much fears," So he says twixt his tears, "That there won't be a penny for me."
Oh! rich is the Publisher And poor is the Publishee; Of the profits of IT I shall touch not a bit, They are all swallowed up by HE.
The girls now all treat me with scorn-- Aunt turns up her n-o-s-e, And my friends all turn tail, While my book they assail And call rubbish and twad-d-l-e.
Even One-and-Nine and General Mary Jane were smitten with a desire torush into print, and I overheard them concocting a tragic Love Storyin the kitchen, and they were highly indignant later on, because theDoctor-in-Law would not accept it. You can hardly wonder at it though,for it really was too bad for anything.
It was called "The Viscount's Revenge," and in it several characterswho had been killed in the first part of the book kept cropping up allthrough the story in a most confusing manner, while One-and-Nine andGeneral Mary Jane could not agree as to whether the heroine should bedark or fair, so in one part of the book she had beautiful golden hairand blue eyes, and in another she was described as "darkly, proudlyhandsome, with a wealth of dusky hair and eyes as black as night."
THE LITERARY HOUSEMAID]
At the last moment it was found necessary to include another poem inthe magazine, and, as all of the Rhymester's were too long, theDoctor-in-Law decided to write one himself, which he called
COMMERCIAL PROBLEMS.
Why doth the little busy bee Not charge so much an hour, For gathering honey day by day From every opening flower?
And can you tell me why, good sir, The birds receive no pay For singing sweetly in the grove Throughout the livelong day?
Why flow'rs should bloom about the place And give their perfume free, In so unbusinesslike a way, Seems very odd to me.
I cannot meet a single cow That charges for her milk, And though they are not paid a sou, The silkworms still spin silk.
While ducks and hens, I grieve to find, Lay eggs for nothing too, Which is a most ridiculous And foolish thing to do.
These problems often puzzle me; I lie awake at night, And think and think what I can do To set this matter right.
I've found a way at last, and though It may at first seem funny, It cannot fail--'tis this: _You_ pay, And _I'll_ collect the money.