“And what are the chances of that?”
“Slim and none, slim and none,” said Wanda, laughing back.
“I hope the Tomato can hold her booze. I’d hate to see things getting screwed up and her getting mad. I’m sure Billy the goat is hoping the same.”
“Huh?”
“Oh, you missed it.”
Danielle told Wanda the story.
“It wouldn’t break my heart if they made a stew out of him,” said Wanda.
“How are we going to smoke this?” Danielle asked, opening the bag and taking a sniff. “Oh my God!”
“What, ditch weed?”
“No,” Danielle said, handing her sister the bag, “I’d say Humboldt!”
“Oh-my-God!” Wanda said after smelling the bag. “How are we going to do this? I don’t have any papers or a pipe.”
“I don’t have anything either.”
The two sat in silence, thinking carefully.
“Wait,” said Danielle, “I’ve got a Tampax.”
“How’s that going to work?”
“I’ll make it work!” she declared, reaching into her purse.
*
The Boat was full of smoke as Wanda puffed away and Danielle sat in silence.
“My God, it does work. I’ll have to remember this,” said Wanda.
“Yeah, I’m just glad I didn’t throw it away after I used it.”
Wanda choked violently, the smoke blasting out of her nose and mouth. She slammed on the brakes and The Boat’s tires screeched on the pavement.
Danielle braced herself to avoid hitting the dashboard. “I was just kidding!” she said and started laughing.
“You ass!” yelled Wanda. She tried to be serious but looked at Danielle and started laughing with her.
“You would have done anything to get to Red’s Humboldt, so don’t look so shocked.”
“This is a true story,” Wanda agreed, a big stupid grin on her face. “God are we lost!”
“This pot is going to clear our thoughts,” said Danielle, sticking a finger in the air like she was checking the wind, “and we will find that light at the end of the tunnel!”
“God are we fucked!”
The two sat in The Boat, still stopped in the road, laughing hysterically.
“Maybe Bigfoot will find us and save the day? I hear he’s been seen around here regularly,” said Danielle, looking out the window.
“Oooh, big feet means a big you-know-what!”
“Oh, but all that hair. Yuck!”
“Hey, as stoned as we are,” said Wanda, “I don’t think—” She leaned forward to see through the smoke. “Hey, here comes a pickup.”
“Oooh, and look, cowboys,” added Danielle, giggling.
*
It was getting light back in the glen at Red’s place as The Boat rumbled down the road, followed by two pickups.
“That’s far enough boys,” Danielle yelled back, half hanging out the window of the big car. “Thanks for seeing us home safely. We promise we’ll be there later tonight. Now go on home like good cowboys.”
“I hope they don’t remember how to get back here,” said Wanda.
“Yeah, that’s a couple truckloads of simple minds.”
“Yeah, they sure didn’t have anything on Bigfoot.”
Both sisters started laughing.
“I’m tired to the max,” said Wanda. “When does the wedding start?”
“At sunset.”
“Oh, good, because I am going to sleep all day.”
In the morning light, John saw the girls drive up. He was down at the river watching the water flow by, truly happy with the spectacular scenery.
Wanda spotted him and slowed the big car. “Hey, there’s Space John.”
“Where?” asked Danielle.
“Down by the river,” she said, pointing.
“Stop! Let’s find out if anything happened while we were gone.” She leaned over her sister to shout out the driver’s window. “John!”
John climbed the bank.
“What’s going on?” Danielle asked as he came to the car.
“Not much. Beautiful morning.”
“Anything happen last night?”
“A few things. Everyone is mad at you two.”
“What else is new?” sighed Wanda. “What happened?”
“Oh, Uncle Ricky had some mushrooms to eat, and I don’t understand why, but a couple of the wedding guests seemed to have disappeared.” John shrugged.
“Ricky’s got mushrooms?” exclaimed Danielle.
“Yes, but why has a simple food have everyone so concerned?”
“Oh, John, they’re magic mushrooms,” she said, laughing.
“Huh?”
“He doesn’t know about magic mushrooms?” asked Wanda.
“He doesn’t know shit from Shinola, or so he claims. But I don’t trust him,” said Danielle. “Oh, boy, this wedding doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell with mushrooms circulating. Oh God, I’ll bet Mother is just livid!”
“Yes, she is quite concerned,” John affirmed, “but Red is trying to calm her down.”
“Why’s she pissed at us?” asked Danielle.
“She thinks you two are ducking out.”
“Hey, we’re back, aren’t we?” said Wanda.
“If we had any sense, we’d turn around and get the hell out of here,” said Danielle. “Who’s missing?”
“That guy Ron and the other woman Ricky brought.”
Danielle looked at Wanda. “You didn’t tell me about Ricky’s other guest yet. How come?” she asked.
“It’s Rejecta,” Wanda said, gritting her teeth.
“Holy fuck, Wanda!” Danielle shouted. “You can’t be serious! . . . “He” can’t be serious.” She sat quietly a moment, and then calmly said, “The Walnuts loathe that woman.”
“There’s a tow truck coming up behind us. They must be lost,” said Wanda.
“No,” said John, “they are here to get Bob’s car.”
“His car? What happened?” asked Danielle.
“I’m not sure. He drank a malted milk Ricky made and said it tasted like old socks. Then he got really strange. He tried to leave but went the wrong way and drove his car into the river.”
“Where’s he now?” asked Danielle, snickering.
“In the barn, crying. I cannot figure out what happened.” John shrugged.
“The mushrooms happened, you twit,” Danielle stated, shaking her head.
“I do not understand.”
“John, the magic mushrooms?” said Danielle. “They’re psychedelic.”
John said nothing but looked to be in deep thought. “Psychedelic . . . that means . . .” He thought a bit more, then smiled. “Ooooh, that makes a lot of sense.”
“You didn’t try any, did you?” asked Danielle.
“No,” he said quickly. “I have learned my lesson. I do not consume anything I am not sure of.”
“What about Rejecta, the lady Ricky brought?”
John pointed to the woods behind Red’s compound.
“Did she eat any of the mushrooms?” asked Danielle.
“Now that you have explained the magic mushrooms to me,” he said, nodding his head affirmatively, “I would say “yes”. She was outside last night dancing around and talking to something in the sky. Then she started howling at the moon.”
“She definitely has partaken,” said Wanda.
*
Wanda and Danielle entered the cabin quietly, hoping to avoid the coming storm, but Martha was sitting by the door waiting for them.
“Well?” was all she said, but her tone made it clear she was very mad.
“Well, what?” asked Danielle.
“I saw you two talking to John. I guess you know what has transpired?” She was keeping her volume down, which could be a dangerous sign.
“Yeah, we heard, but it wasn’t our fault,” Wanda said.
“I don’t even want to know what you two were u
p to last night.” Martha was on a slow burn. “But you two are going to do your best to keep a lid on this for Red’s sake.”
“Mother, what do you expect us to do?” Danielle asked. “Where is everyone?”
Martha got up and walked to the window, her back to her daughters. “They’re out at the barn getting the bonfire ready.” She turned to Danielle. “You go find that damn Ron, and you”—she turned to Wanda, her voice getting louder with every word—“get with Ricky and you tell him I will, and I mean I “will”, roast his gonads over that big fire out back if he gives anyone”—her face had turned scarlet—“anything else to smoke!”
“Mother,” Danielle tried to explain, “Ricky didn’t give anyone anything to smoke, he—”
“Don’t you try to defend that S.O.B. You do as I say, or else.”
“How am I going to find Ron?” she asked. “John said he wandered out into the woods.”
“It shouldn’t be hard,” snarled Martha. “You just follow the sound of some idiot pounding on trees with a big stick, shouting, ‘Fuckin Suzan, fuckin Suzan!’”
Danielle almost started to laugh, but the look in her mother’s eyes said it might not be the best time.
“Where’s Ricky?” Wanda sighed.
“Out with the others. What has he got against Red?”
“When he lived up here, he was growing pot somewhere and selling it in town,” Danielle explained. “Red found his plot and pulled it all up. You know how Ricky gets if anyone messes with his pot, or profits.”
*
Wanda went out toward the barn. Jed and Heather were between the house and the barn stacking wood onto a huge pile.
“Hi, Dad.”
“So, you’re back.” He spoke calmly but seemed to be on a slow burn as well. “Did you enjoy yourselves?”
“Mom said I should talk to Ricky. Where is he?” she asked. “Oh, and the tow truck is here.”
“Heather, go get that idiot, Bob, and tell him they’re here for his car,” Jed instructed, then turned to Wanda. “Ricky’s somewhere out back helping out with the horse.”
“Ricky is helping?” said Wanda, trying lighten up the mood.
“Don’t get smart,” Jed growled.
Wanda hurried off and went toward the barn.
*
Heather was already there talking into one of the stalls. “Look, buddy, forget my mother. It doesn’t matter if you did buy her nice things, all the men do. Just cut your losses, get in your car, and make your escape. This is no place for a solid guy like you.”
She saw Wanda coming and made a vomit face, pretending to stick a finger in her throat.
Bob struggled out of the stall with hay hanging off his head. He had a big spot of horse manure on both his knees. His eyes were red and his face was smeared with dirt. The front of his shirt was stained with what appeared to be barf.
Heather shook her head and took unsteady Bob by the elbow, determined to help him leave.
*
Ricky stood in a corral outside the far door looping strands of flowers around a tall, handsome horse. He saw Wanda approaching. “Made it back for the wedding,” he said, letting the horse lick his right hand.
“Yeah, I hear you’ve managed to stir up a little trouble.”
“I’m not responsible for other people’s actions,” he said.
“Ricky, Red is a sweet guy. Why would you do something to hurt him?”
“He cost me a lot of money.”
“He might have prevented you getting busted and going to jail.”
“Not a chance.”
“Ricky, I’m not going to argue with you. Red’s a good man and has been a friend of Mother’s since long before you were around. You’ve had your fun, now knock it off.”
Ricky just smiled.
“I see,” said Wanda. “. . . I ask you to do this one little thing and you can’t comply.” She looked squarely at Ricky. “So, tell you what, I’m going to go find Rejecta and tell her that you want her back.”
Ricky’s face went pale. “That’s not funny.”
“I’m not being funny, Ricky, I’m serious. You promise to lay off. Otherwise, I go to Rejecta.”
Danielle walked out from the barn. “I’ll be right with her,” she said.
“That’s shitty, both of you,” said Ricky. “I don’t know what I did to you guys, but—”
Wanda interrupted. “You are trying to screw up Red’s wedding. Besides, we’re doing you a favor.”
“What are you talking about?”
Wanda put her hands on her hips and looked at Ricky seriously. “Mother a.k.a. Attila the Hunnette adores Red. She said, and I quote, ‘I will roast his gonads on the big fire out back,’ et cetera, et cetera. She was serious, Ricky. If she comes after you, Dad will be right behind her. And you remember what happened last time you went too far.”
Ricky gulped.
“So, it mellows out?” Danielle questioned.
Ricky didn’t say anything. He just dropped the string of flowers he had in his hand and walked off.
“I wonder what he was planning?” asked Wanda.
“Don’t know. But did you see the look on his face?”
“Oh yeah, we got his attention. What do you think got through, the threat of Mom or Rejecta?”
“He’s scared of them both, but I think Rejecta has the psychological edge,” said Danielle.
“Why did he bring her here, then?”
“Who else, besides Rejecta, could cause the most problems?”
“Not too smart,” said Wanda. “He gets her attention, and she gets a hold of a car, and he’ll be running for his life. She’s already twisted on mushrooms.”
“It would serve him right, but we probably can’t count on her.”
“I rode with her for a couple hours coming up here, Danielle. She’s battier than ever.”
“What’s with the horse?” asked Danielle, pointing to the animal.
“Oh, that’s Bucket. She’s giving away the bride.”
*
“Hey, John, mind if I join you?” Heather asked, standing up on the riverbank.
John was lying on his back against the bank, looking up in the sky.
“Not at all, come on down.”
“What are you doing?” she asked, sliding down the bank.
“It is beautiful out here. I am just enjoying it.”
“Hey, there’s a fish,” Heather said, pointing to the water near a fallen tree.
“There are plenty of them in this area.”
“I’ll bet Red’s got some poles, want to do some fishing?” she asked.
“No, I am satisfied to just watch them.”
“Oh, come on, it’d be fun.”
“Not for the fish.”
“Oh, they’re just fish, they don’t care.”
“Yes, they do.”
“Oh, you know how a fish feels?”
“Not personally, but they are living things, and I can imagine they would rather not have a sharp metal hook jammed through their lip.”
“Ugh, I can see your point.”
John leaned over and looked at her. “Why are you with your family all the time?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I have not seen you with any kids your age.”
“I got grounded for two weeks,” she confessed.
“How did that happen?”
“I snuck out to see my boyfriend.”
“You got busted, huh?”
“Yeah, but it’s not fair.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You’ve been with the Walnuts for what—four days, right?”
“It seems much longer,” he said, chuckling.
“I mean, I get grounded because I go out once. I didn’t do anything bad. But these clowns”—she flung her hand back toward the cabin—“are totally out of control and they get away with it. I mean, if me and my friends acted like the Walnuts, ah . . . I can’t even imagine.”
“Are you mad bec
ause you are being punished?”
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair. Why do adults get to act like children and it’s okay? I want to act like an adult and I get busted.”
“They are trying to protect you,” said John.
“Really? “Great job” they’re doing. You know we children are very impressionable, right?”
“Yes, there is lot you need to learn.”
“Now, if you are a responsible adult person, you would never place an impressionable adolescent in situations that were not suitable, right?”
“I think I see where you are going with this.”
“Well, do I have a point or not?”
“Yes, you certainly do. But my agreeing will not get you anywhere. You are still going to be grounded no matter what I say.”
“I’m not trying to get out of it. It’s only two weeks, officially, and by the time we get back, they’ll be so worn out they won’t even notice me and I’ll be back in action.”
“So, I take it you do not want to be a Walnut?”
“No, not really. They embarrass the hell out of me.”
“How so?”
“My girlfriends think they’re all nut cases, and all my guy friends want my mother. Don’t get me wrong. I love my mother and I know that she loves me and is doing what she thinks is best. But she can be so irresponsible sometimes.”
“How do you mean?”
“Like with men, she’s a terrible flirt. I hate all the makeup and the way she dresses. She’s such a beautiful woman; I don’t see why she has to do that?”
“Yes, she is stunning,” he agreed.
“My mother could put on a flour sack, and the men would still come crawling.”
“Maybe it is the men you do not like?”
“I know I don’t like “them”! They’re so phony. They play nicey nice at first, but then, gradually, you get to see the real man. My mother attracts nothing but little boys in men’s clothing, and there are always scads of them after her.”
“You get angry because your mother is with so many different men?”
“She’s not “with” them, not in that sense. My mother is totally monogamous. She doesn’t sleep around, but some of her girlfriends are really slutty and it makes her look bad by association.”
“I can see your concern.”
“No, you can’t. You haven’t met any of her friends yet.”
“I met Gigi,” John corrected her.
“Oh, that’s right, but you just saw Gigi getting busted for being stupid, nothing unusual for her. You haven’t seen her when she’s out and about, being the “Gigi”. And Kris, wait till you meet Kris. Oh, I hope you don’t meet Kris. She is so disgusting.”
“In what manner?”
“Well, John, if you ever need to get laid, just have my mother introduce you. Kris has only two requirements—one, that you’re a man, and two, that you’re present.”