“Are you not being a little cruel?”
“I’m not kidding, she is that bad. Even my mother will tell you that, but Mother still hangs around with her. She thinks it’s funny.”
“What do you think?”
“You sound like our counselor. She says that my mother and I have reversed roles. I’m the grown up and she’s the teenager.”
“It does look like that sometimes.”
“See, everybody that knows us agrees, and I’m the one that’s grounded. Go figure, huh?”
“What is important is that you can be what you want. If the Walnuts are not what you want to be, so be it.”
“You think I’m being silly, worrying about my mother and all? What do you honestly think of the Walnuts so far?”
“Living so close to the edge, it is much easier to fall.”
“That’s what I try to tell her, but she just won’t listen.”
“I have only been around a few days, but it seems to me your mother is standing back from the edge.”
“You think so?”
“I think so. She grew up with this, but it does not suit her entirely.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right.”
“You two should try to get along better.”
“We do. We’re just mad at each other right now, but it’ll blow over. We have a lot of fun sometimes, because she’s smart and really funny if you’re in the mood.”
“I imagine there are few dull moments.”
Heather nodded, and then sat quietly.
After a moment she looked at John. “I saw you looking up, staring into the sky. You miss home?”
“What makes you say something silly like that?”
“I’m not being silly, John. Camper and you are associates, and I know Camper is not from here.”
“What makes you think that?”
“We’ve known Camper for a couple of years, and believe me, I know.”
“Everyone has their little oddities; things that might make them seem different or not from around here, as the thought might go.”
Heather looked at him with the cute smugness of a pretty teenager. “Bob, Babad Bob, got a little pissed at me one day, and Camper stepped in. I think you heard about this already? That guy is really fast, unearthly fast. Fast enough to snatch a rattlesnake, I’ll bet.”
“Oh, and what does he say about your speculations?”
“Camper respects my opinions. Are you going to try to convince me I’m full of crap?”
“I certainly am not.”
“So, John, of not around here, what other talents do you have?” Heather sat forward with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands.
“Not much. I am a rather boring person.”
“Nothing? An alien tells me he’s got no talents, nothing that would impress me,” she said with a sigh.
Suddenly a horrific noise roared from across the river.
“What the hell was that?” shrieked Heather, jumping to her feet.
John didn’t move from his relaxed position. “Sounds like a bear or something,” he said.
The roar filled the air again.
“Let’s get the hell out of here!” Heather panicked and grabbed John’s hand, trying to get him to his feet.
“What is wrong?” he asked, slowly rising.
“It’s a friggin’ bear, you idiot, those things are dangerous!”
“It is not a bear,” he said, laughing. “It is just one of my talents you were looking for.”
“What are you talking about? I heard a bear.”
“I am good at projecting sounds.”
John focused his eyes on the distance. Suddenly a dog barked furiously, then a crow called, and finally a beautiful male voice started singing “Pretty Woman.” It all came streaming from the woods across the river.
“You’re doing that?” exclaimed Heather. “Wow, cool!”
“I did not want to disappoint you.”
“Thank you, John,” she said, hugging him. “I’ll see you at the wedding.”
“Okay,” he said as she ran up the riverbank.
*
The wedding hour was getting close. Bob was gone. He had gotten his car back dented and muddy, and declared that this had been the worst experience of his life and drove off. Ron had stumbled back to the cabin, tired from killing Suzans all day. Nobody had managed to find Rejecta, and nobody seemed concerned. The Walnuts weren’t especially eager to deal with her.
The only negative incident of the day so far occurred when Red, overenthusiastic about increasing the size of the bonfire, chopped a nasty gash in the side of his foot with his ax. They had a powwow to discuss the possibility of going to the hospital, but it was resolved with a quart of Red’s best Scotch. Jed, the doctor of the house, prescribed half the bottle to sterilize the wound and half the bottle to sterilize Red. Heather did the bandaging, she being the only one capable of anything dexterous at the time.
The bride disappeared into her bedroom at noon and wouldn’t allow anyone in, except her sister, a mysterious woman who arrived in a hooded cape. She entered the house carrying a large bag over a shoulder. She didn’t say a word to anyone and headed straight to the bride’s bedroom and was gone, just like the wind.
There was some speculation about what she looked like, but no one had gotten even a glimpse so the consensus was to wait and see.
Only once was there any movement from the bride’s chamber—a call for more beer from the Tomato herself. Even that, however, was done in secrecy. The Tomato called for Red, who came to the door, received his instructions through the slight opening, and then brought two twelve-packs, slipping them through and then retreating.
The minister arrived as the sun was dropping to the horizon. The Reverend Philestrong was to preside over the wedding. He was a short, fat man, and his only outstanding feature was his enormous, bulbous nose, which everyone noticed immediately.
When the sun touched the tops of the trees to the West, the wedding party began to take its place under the instruction of the Tomato’s sister, who had burst out of the house shortly before, still wearing her cape. With a deep, commanding voice she had taken charge, bullying the two volunteer ushers.
The wedding would take place just beyond the back porch under a giant, leafy tree.
Jed was Red’s best man and was all decked out in a suit, something he rarely got into. It was decided that, although tacky, it made sense to give the injured, overmedicated Red one crutch to help him stay steady. He stood facing the Reverend. Jed stood at his side, watching for a topple.
Martha, Heather, Danielle, Wanda, John, and Ricky, who had been strangely quiet all day, stood off to the groom’s side, there being no seating. The bride’s side was empty.
Martha commented on Ricky’s willingness to behave and assumed that her threat had been delivered. But Wanda and Danielle noticed Ricky looking off into the woods, waiting for something. They decided he was watching for Rejecta.
“He looks worried,” said Danielle.
“He is,” said Wanda. “Mother can catch him off guard to get at his gonads, but Rejecta likes to use a car.”
The two started snickering.
Irritated, Ricky said, “I don’t know what you two find so amusing.”
“You look worried,” said Wanda.
“I am, for good reason.” He kept looking at the woods.
“Ricky,” said Danielle, “Rejecta is probably halfway to town by now.”
“Or the bears got her, so you’re clear,” added Wanda.
“She’s got the mushrooms,” Ricky said under his breath.
“Uh oh.” Danielle laughed. “I hope for your sake it’s the bears.”
“What happened to Red’s kids, Mother? They didn’t come,” said Danielle.
“Do you believe it? They don’t like the Tomato and refused,” said Martha.
“That’s really terrible! I would never figure them for being that mean,” said Danielle.
“They?
??re all in a snit because Red’s estate is going in somebody else’s pocket,” said Martha.
*
There was speculation about the three musicians who had arrived a half-hour earlier and were assembling their equipment on the porch. One had an old, battered guitar with holes in it. Another held a violin that looked equally bad. The drum set didn’t look any better, and to top it off, the musicians themselves were also old and battered.
Danielle said, “I’ve had two hours of sleep since yesterday, and if they play as bad as they look, my nervous system will short out, I swear.”
“I’m just curious to see what the bride is wearing,” said Wanda. Everyone agreed, waiting eagerly for her entrance.
The bride’s sister stuck her head out of the back door of the cabin, still wearing her hood. She looked to be a slimmer version of the Tomato, but no one had gotten a look at her face yet. She got the attention of the nearest usher. Some sort of signal passed between them, and the usher went over to the musicians. They took their final drinks from a paper sack and readied their instruments.
Wanda whispered to Danielle, “I hope you’re wrong about the band. My nerves are no better off than yours.”
The musicians made a few preemptory squawks and squeaks, stopped, gave a silent count, and proceeded to play the loveliest rendition of the wedding march that anyone had ever heard.
“My God,” said Martha. “Goes to show, you never can tell.”
Everyone was so enthralled by the music they didn’t notice the bride coming around the side of the house on the horse. Jed finally saw the bride and indicated to the others that they should turn around.
Bucket was draped with strings of flowers and wore a beautifully embroidered sombrero with holes cut out for her ears. The sister walked beside the horse, holding the reins. She was wearing a long, flowing, cream-colored dress, obviously trying not to stand out. She looked strikingly similar to the Tomato, except that she was much younger and exceptionally beautiful.
The Tomato was dressed in blazing red, skintight jeans with sequins up the sides and a sparkly red blouse with short frills that did nothing to hide her enormous breasts. She wore shiny red cowboy boots and was topped off with a bright red cowboy hat. Her long black hair flowed out from under the hat, reaching halfway down her back. She wore bright pink mascara and the same flaming red lipstick from the day before. Again, the Walnuts were dumbstruck.
Martha glared at Heather, the warning clearly evident in her eyes.
The horse, the bride, and her sister walked up to the Reverend, who showed no surprise.
As the bride dismounted, Danielle whispered to Wanda, “Wow, look at her sister. She is something.”
“Yeah, look at the old fool,” Martha whispered, nodding to Jed. “He’s scoping her out, trying to figure out if she’s as well-endowed as the Tomato.”
Ricky, too, had a cocky smile on his face.
Wanda whispered to Danielle, “Looks like Ricky has found a new interest.”
“Yeah, this could be good. Rejecta might be close by with a bag of magic mushrooms, and Ricky is not paying attention. She catches him with this bimbo, and he’s dead meat.”
They giggled loud enough to attract the attention of Jed and Martha, who gave them a nasty glare.
As outlandishly as she was dressed, the bride moved sensuously. She glided toward the groom and took her place next to Red. The musicians dropped the tempo and faded the music away perfectly. The Reverend stepped up to start the ceremony just as the last of the sun slid below the trees on the bluff to the West. He droned on for a couple of minutes and then got to the vows.
“Red, do you take Beverly to be your lawful wedded wife?”
Red looked directly at his beautiful bride, opened his mouth, and said—“Baahhhaaaa!”
Red stood with his mouth open as Billy the goat came tearing around the corner of the barn, bleating loudly in terror. Everyone in the wedding party gasped.
“How the hell did that goat get loose?” asked Martha.
“Now, now, it’s just a temporary setback,” declared the Reverend.
The Tomato didn’t react. She just continued to gaze at Red.
“As you were about to say, Red,” continued the Reverend.
“Ah . . .” Red was watching the goat head off into the trees. “Yes, . . . what was I supposed to say?”
“I asked you if you took Beverly to be your lawful wedded wife?” The Reverend was quick and sharp.
“Oh yeah, I—”
The ceremony was again disturbed by Ron who came running through the wedding, still trying to off Suzan, who he had obviously mistaken for the goat. Everyone calmly watched Ron chase the goat into the trees, then returned their attention to the ceremony. The Tomato still stood her ground.
Wanda whispered to Ricky, “How long do those mushrooms last?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know? I don’t mess with that stuff.”
“Just say ‘I do’,” commanded the Reverend.
“I do,” said Red.
“Very good,” he said, and then turned to the bride. “And Beverly, do you take—”
The Reverend hesitated as he noticed Bucket’s tail begin to lift.
“Uh oh,” said Danielle.
Red and the Tomato were facing away from the horse and didn’t know what was happening. Bucket’s tail was almost parallel to the ground.
“Get on with it,” Jed said, leaning over to the Reverend, “you don’t have all day.”
“Just say “yes”!” the Reverend shouted at the Tomato.
She was scared by his tone and covered her mouth with her hands.
There was a loud groan from the horse’s belly.
Heather, from the groom’s side, jumped to her feet and yelled, “She does!”
And then Bucket let loose with a horrendous, gaseous sound.
“I pronounce you man and wife!” boomed the Reverend as the wedding party gasped, then held their breath.
“Aaaagh, you can kiss the bride if you want, but I’m not staying here,” said the Reverend, quickly stepping away.
“Oh, Red,” crooned the Tomato, her hands dropping from her mouth.
She wrapped her arms around Red and kissed him passionately as the music began to play.
“I need a beer,” said Martha.
*
Jed and Red had changed into knock-around clothes and started the bonfire. It blazed up and was throwing flames and sparks twenty feet in the air.
The guests were on the back porch listening to the musicians play. They were taking requests and seemed to know about any song.
“I can’t believe it went off as good as it did,” said Martha, “except for that damn horse. I didn’t think they did that.”
“They don’t, usually, unless somebody gives them something that upsets their stomach,” said Wanda. She whispered to Danielle, who was standing behind her, “Now we know why Ricky was interested in Bucket.”
“I was so sure something bad would happen. I’m so happy for Red,” Martha added.
“I think we need to thank Heather for that,” Danielle said.
“Yeah, quick thinking, Heather,” said Wanda.
“I got excited,” she said, blushing.
“Like the time we went to see the Rocky movie?”
Danielle starting to laugh.
“Mother!” Heather said quickly. “Stop right there!”
“Oh, come on, it was funny.”
“Mother, stop embarrassing me.”
“What happened?” asked Martha. “I’ve never heard this one.”
“Rocky was getting the snot kicked out of him,” said Danielle. “You remember the movie. He started getting the guy back, and the audience was getting into it. Heather got all excited and jumped up right in the middle of the theater and yelled at the top of her lungs, ‘Kill that motherfucker!’ The rest of the audience went dead quiet.”
“Mother, I asked you not to,” Heather snarled.
John laughed and ga
ve Heather a thumbs up. She stuck her tongue out at him.
“It was cute,” said Danielle.
“I was so embarrassed,” Heather said. “There goes your phone again.”
Danielle just let the phone ring in her purse.
“Aren’t you going to answer it?” asked Martha.
“No,” she said, annoyed, “it’s just Ferkle.”
“Why don’t you get rid of that guy?” Martha scolded her.
“Oh, he’s harmless. He’s just a little persistent.”
“Mother, he’s a pain in the ass.”
“Does he bother you, sweetie?” Martha asked Heather.
“No, I don’t think he’s really creepy or anything like that. He’s just annoying at times. He’ll do anything she asks, and she takes advantage of him. He’s her slave.”
“He is not. He’s just a helpful guy,” Danielle said.
“He’s just another pimple on your ass,” Jed said, joining them on the porch.
“Speaking of pimples,” Heather said, pointing to the road, “guess who’s back, Mother?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Doofus Bob just drove up.”
“Oh God, I thought I got rid of him. I better go see what he wants.”
“I’ll bet he’s bought her something expensive,” said Martha.
“Why do you think she’s going out there?” said Wanda.
*
The Tomato was dancing up a storm around the fire, twirling and high stepping. Red and Jed were watching close by.
“She’s getting awful close to the fire,” Martha said.
“Oh, don’t worry, Dad’s right there,” said Wanda.
“Yeah, the old bastard’s not likely to let those knockers get singed,” said Martha.
Danielle and Bob were arguing inside.
“Hey, Danielle,” Wanda yelled into the house, “Bigfoot is back! He wants you again.”
“What are you talking about?” Martha asked.
“It’s a joke, Mother,” she said, suddenly jumping up. “Oh damn, the Tomato just fell in the fire!”
Jed had seen the Tomato start to lose her balance and reacted immediately. He pulled her back, but she was showered with sparks and screaming. He was patting her clothing as everyone ran toward her.
“My bride, my bride,” Red cried while Jed continued to smack the Tomato’s clothing. Her hair was smoldering and her blouse was smoking. Jed grabbed the blouse and partly tore it trying to get all the sparks out. The Tomato’s giant breasts popped out.
Martha ran up to help him and brushed off the Tomato’s jeans.