“You okay, dear?” she asked.
The Tomato cried while Jed checked her for burns, looking at her back, sides, and front—the monstrous tits were hanging out for everyone to see.
“My chi-chis!” cried the Tomato, grabbing her breasts. “Red won’t want me if I’m damaged!”
“Okay, Jed!” Martha grabbed his shoulder. “You put the fire out, so you can quit feeling her up now. Where’s that sister? I haven’t seen her since the wedding.”
“She was talking to Ricky the last time I saw her,” said Heather.
“Well, she’s of little use now,” said Martha. “Heather, help me get Beverly up to the house.”
*
The Reverend Philestrong was on the porch shaking his head.
“What’s your problem?” Martha asked.
“This is what happens when sinful behavior is the order of the day,” he answered.
“What are you preaching about?”
Martha gestured for Heather to take Beverly into the house.
“The consumption of alcohol, for one,” he said.
With her hands on her hips, Martha looked the Reverend straight in the eyes. “Look, Rev, you didn’t get that schnoz from drinking milk.”
“I have seen the errors of my ways,” he said quickly, then hesitated a moment. “There are fornicators here too.”
“Rev, there are fornicators everywhere you look, always have been, always will be. If you’re interested, the goat’s in the barn, second stall on the right.”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” said the Reverend, pointing back to the barn. “There are two persons sinning right there in the barn.”
“Well, now we know where her sister and Ricky got to,” said Danielle, walking up with Wanda.
“Where’s your dreamboat, Danielle?” Martha asked.
“Oh, he’s convinced that he shall never possess me and is off sulking somewhere.”
“Yeah, well, you keep him away from the booze.”
“I’m not his damn nursemaid. And besides, Mother, it wasn’t drink that twisted his gourd.”
“Well, what else could it have been?”
“Mother,” said Wanda, “Ricky the Rat is present, and you didn’t suspect anything?”
“I didn’t think that stuff you’re always smoking could cause a person to go off like that,” said Martha
“It can’t, but magic mushrooms can,” said Wanda.
“What the hell have mushrooms got to do with all this?”
Danielle laughed. “Mother, they can really do some damage, especially if you’re off to begin with.”
“Magic, what the hell does that mean?” growled Martha.
“They’re psychedelic, as in “mind-altering”,” explained Danielle.
“That goddamn Ricky! You mean he’s been giving crazy people drugs?”
“Mother, you can be so lame sometimes,” said Danielle.
“That son of a bitch. Wait until I get my hands on him! To think he took a chance like that at Red’s wedding!” Martha stormed off the porch.
“Oops,” said Danielle as she and Wanda laughed. “Guess we spilled the beans on Ricky. Accidentally, of course.”
*
“I can’t believe she rejected me like that!” Bob cried.
“Bob, don’t take it so serious. Some people aren’t meant for each other,” said Wanda.
They were down near the riverbank. Wanda had heard someone blubbering in the dark and had gone to investigate. She found Bob sitting by himself with a near-empty bottle of whiskey.
“But I want her so bad. Then ‘I’ can be a Walnut!” he cried, taking another pull from the bottle.
“Bob, it wasn’t meant to be.” Wanda was trying to get back to the party, but Bob had grabbed her sleeve.
“You seem to understand. I need somebody to help me be a Walnut!”
“Well, Bob, I ‘do’ understand.”
“Do you? Do you really?”
He looked solemnly into Wanda’s eyes, swaying slightly.
“Yes, Bob, I do.”
“Oh, Wanda,” he said, suddenly trying to hold her, “this is what I really wanted.”
Wanda moved back. “Bob, you’re drunk.”
“Yes, but my true emotions are spilling out.”
“Yeah, yeah, but you’ll hate yourself in the morning.”
“I can help you with the house,” he said, swaying back-and-forth.
“Really? Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to talk a bit longer.”
“Yes, I can do things. I have the power!” he shouted.
“It sure would be great if you could help us out of this mess.”
“I can help,” he said and pulled his sweat pants down below his knees. “We can be a team!”
“Now, Bob, don’t you think we should—”
Bob started to sway even more, almost falling over forward. Wanda was preparing to catch him, but he managed to straighten up on his own.
“I have to have a Walnut!” he cried.
Just then a cloudy look came over his face. He went limp and fell over backwards.
*
“Bob decided any Walnut was better than none and hit on me,” said Wanda, back in the cabin.
“What happened?” asked Danielle.
“He promised to help me with the house, pulled his pants down, and fell over backwards.” Wanda laughed.
“He passed out?”
“Yeah, he’s down by the river, out cold, his pecker blowing in the breeze.”
“That ass,” Danielle snarled, “all he brought me to make up was this cheap bracelet.”
*
Headlights shone across the front of the house as someone drove up. Wanda and Danielle were watching and heard the passenger door creak open. They couldn’t see because of the bright light in their eyes, but a woman’s voice was screeching at the driver.
“Damn, that voice sounds familiar,” Danielle said as Martha came out.
“Who’s that?” she asked.
“I would say that there is a good chance that Rejecta has returned,” said Danielle.
“Really?”
Martha headed right for the headlights as they backed up and moved off the house. Danielle and Wanda watched their mother walk up to the woman left standing in the dark.
The two conversed quietly for a moment. Then out of the dark the woman cried, “Oh, Ricky, I knew you’d come to your senses!”
It was confirmed to be Rejecta as she headed around to the back of the house.
“Damn, she came up with the same idea we did,” snickered Wanda.
“I hate thieves,” said Danielle, laughing.
Heather stood in the doorway. “I heard you guys threaten Uncle Ricky about telling Rejecta he wanted her back,” she said, “and I told Grandma how scared he got. So it’s still your idea.”
*
Ricky’s panicked yelling came from the barn area.
“Sounds like Ricky and Rejecta have continued their relationship,” said Danielle.
“Yeah, it’s nice to see people get back to where they left off,” said Wanda.
“What does she see in him?” asked Heather.
“She’s looney tunes, why would she need a reason?” commented Danielle.
“Nah! She’s determined to get even,” said Wanda.
Ricky’s voice moved quickly away from the buildings as he hustled into the woods, the sound of breaking branches and crackling leaves marking his forward progress.
“I wonder where Rejecta is?” asked Danielle, just as the sound of a car starting penetrating the quiet night.
“Sounds like The Boat,” said Wanda.
“It’s going to be tough running him down now that he’s in the woods,” said Martha, walking up.
“Oh, he always escapes,” said Jed, walking up with Red. “You know Ricky, he’s got more lives than a damn cat.”
The powerful motor of the big Oldsmobile disrupted the night, and Rejecta shouted out the window, “If I can?
??t have you, nobody can!”
“Red, aren’t you worried about your car?” asked Martha.
“Nah,” he replied, “it’s being put to good use.”
“You’re all sick, I hope you know that,” said Heather.
Martha asked, “Who was taking pictures down by the river earlier?”
“I don’t know,” said Jed.
“Well, I kept seeing flashbulbs going off down there,” Martha continued.
“You drank too much beer,” Jed told her.
“I know that, but I’m positive I saw flashbulbs,” she said again and went inside.
*
The next morning the odyssey was over, and the survivors were licking their wounds. The first sunlight started to filter through the leaves when Jed came out to the front porch. Red was walking back to the porch as a sheriff’s car drove away.
“What did he want?” Jed asked.
“Merle said that my car was found halfway to town.”
“That’s all?”
“It was pretty scratched up. No real damage, though.”
“No crazy woman?”
“Yeah, she wandered into town. Merle said she looked like she had a real tough time of it. He got her something to eat and a bus ticket, and I just gave him money for his troubles.”
“No charges, huh?”
“Nah, Merle don’t care if people smoke or eat things they might find in the woods. He figures if they’re growing out there on their own, it’s not up to him to mess with Mother Nature.”
“I like those down-home attitudes,” Jed said, nodding his head affirmatively. “Fix up The Boat and send me the bill.”
“Ah, no need, Jed. I’m gonna leave it the way it is.”
Red smiled.
“Why?” asked Jed.
“Fond memories.” Red pondered. “Do you think she almost got him?”
“Hard to say. I wonder where he is.”
From just inside the door, Heather said, “He crawled into the camper last night.”
“You’re heading to Carmen’s?” Red asked Jed.
“Yup, another wedding.”
“Oh, by the way,” Red continued, “one of Merle’s deputies stopped that Bob guy last night. The car was full of stinking mud, and that Ron guy was with him. Merle’s got them, letting them sleep it off before he sends them on their way. I guess it’s going to be tough getting Wanda’s house fixed?”
“I don’t think so,” Jed said, handing a small stack of Polaroids to Red. They were pictures of Bob lying on his back, his pants down around his knees and a cheap bracelet wrapped around his penis. The first picture had an inscription printed in black ink: “For The House That Jack Built”.
Chapter 13
Wanda, Danielle, and Heather were in the courtyard of a Spanish mission enjoying the shade of a huge, old oak tree. They were sitting on cool stones that formed a ring around the giant tree trunk. The stone and adobe courtyard was full of trees and beautiful flowers.
“Lovely spot,” said Danielle.
“Yeah, Carmen sure knows how to throw a wedding,” added Wanda.
“Well, she’s certainly had enough experience.”
Wanda sighed. “We’ve got just as much experience as her. How come we never get hitched in a place like this?”
“Because Carmen only goes for the rich guys.”
“Yeah, she’s such a cold-hearted bitch. Now, you and I, we’re in it from the heart.”
“More like soft heads,” said Heather.
“Hush, snot!” said Danielle. “Someday soon you’re going to have your chance to screw up royally.”
“Am not. And I won’t,” she said. “I’m sure not going to make the same mistakes.”
“Sweetie, you’re a Walnut,” said Wanda, “and you are destined for uncertainty and confusion. You don’t stand a chance.”
“Oh, thank you, favorite aunt of mine, but someone has to break the chain of looniness, and I’m taking full responsibility.”
“Yeah, well, as you get older you begin to realize that being a little crazy can help,” Danielle advised.
“Touché to that,” said Wanda. “Look at inspector Bob, straight as an arrow. But a little pressure came his way and he unraveled.”
“Yeah, right,” Heather said. “Look what it’s done for you two. And Bob did it to himself.”
“Yes, but his first mistake was taking himself too serious. Now, a Walnut would never allow that.” Wanda jabbed her finger in the air to emphasize the point. “A Walnut is always looking to duck responsibility so the pressure, and paying the price, is absorbed by others.”
“Yeah, there you go, Heather,” Danielle said. “Be thankful you possess the looney gene.”
“It’s impossible to talk to you two.”
“Where’s Grandma?” Danielle asked.
“Probably in some dark and dank corner nursing her roaring hangover,” said Heather.
“Yeah, boy was she a bear on the trip down here,” affirmed Danielle.
“Ha, I had to drive with Ricky,” said Wanda, “and I got the cold shoulder for two hundred miles. He’s really pissed at all of us.”
“Big deal,” said Danielle. “Sometimes it’s refreshing not to have to listen to his constant scheming.”
“I imagine he’s a little on the beat-up side too,” said Heather.
“Yeah, he’s stiff, sore, and scratched,” said Wanda. “Here comes Mr. Cunning now.”
They watched Ricky, John, and two other men in tuxedos come their way. The ring boy, who was five years old, was also with them. Ricky and John were wrestling and punching with the little guy. He came up to their waists.
“Come on, you guys,” objected Heather, “you’re going to get him all wound up.”
“Oh, come on,” said Ricky, “we’re just passing a little time.”
“Yeah, well, when he shorts out, it’s going to be your problem,” said Heather. “I don’t think Carmen is going to appreciate anything going wrong at her wedding. You already know she doesn’t trust you one bit.”
“Don’t worry, everything will be just fine,” said Ricky.
*
“Boy, it’s sure nice to be in here,” Martha said quietly, sitting back against the cool pew. She wore sunglasses even though it was quite dark in the stone chapel.
“You shouldn’t drink so much beer, Grandma,” said Heather, sitting next to her.
“You mind your manners . . . and I never drink too much beer,” she said, giving Heather the look. “Who’s the cute boy you were talking with?”
“He’s a friend of cousin Jason’s, from school,” answered Heather.
“Carmen’s Jason?”
“Yeah.”
“You watch out for those older boys. Any friend of Jason’s is bound to be trouble.”
They were sitting in the second row, waiting while the rest of the guests were shown to their seats. Being the mother of the bride afforded Martha the luxury of being seated first. The wedding was in the chapel of the Spanish mission. It was originally built in the early seventeen hundreds and was a beautiful and serene place.
“Quite the contrast from Red’s affair,” said Martha.
“Good. I’m sure tired of all the craziness,” said Heather.
“Well, at least Red did manage to get married. I was worried there for a while. At least this wedding has the appearance of normalcy.”
“Yeah, Aunt Carmen would never stand for anything weird from anyone.”
“No, she sure wouldn’t.”
“Now, don’t go getting plowed at the reception.”
“You hush your mouth,” Martha said in a bitter whisper. “If somebody was to hear you, they might get the false impression that I drink too much.”
Heather giggled. “Grandma, I think the sunglasses are a dead giveaway.”
“Stop being such a smart-ass.”
“Better than being a dumb-ass!”
Ricky was standing by the entrance, waiting to usher more people in.
r /> “Look at Uncle Ricky,” said Heather. “He doesn’t look so good.”
The two chuckled.
“I’m sure ushering is not sitting too well with him right now,” said Martha.
“He begged Carmen to get out of it, but she wouldn’t budge. He looks like he’s trying to walk with a stick up his butt. Aunt Wanda had to put some makeup on him to hide some of the scratches.”
“Big, old cars can do that to you,” said Martha, laughing a little too loudly.
Heather nudged her. “Grandma,” she scolded with a whisper.
The music started and everyone turned to the back of the chapel to watch the bride and groom’s attendants make the walk down the aisle.
“Oh, look, your mother is just gorgeous,” said Martha. “I’ve never seen such beautiful bridesmaid dresses before. Carmen must have spent a bundle.”
“I thought the bride doesn’t want to be outdone by her attendants?”
“Not usually,” agreed Martha.
“Look at everyone,” whispered Heather. “Mother is stealing the show.”
The wedding guests were certainly giving Danielle undue attention, especially the men, as she glided down the aisle with John, who had been recruited to stand in for one of the groomsmen who had been unable to make it.
Unnoticed, Jed stepped out of the shadows at the front of the church to take his place, ready to escort Carmen, his eldest daughter, down the aisle.
The final pair of attendants stepped to their places at the altar, and the entire church turned to the back to watch for the bride.
Jed stood in the sunlight that streamed in through the open doors of the church. He was tall and handsome in his tuxedo, calmly waiting for the bride to appear.
“Oh no, something’s wrong with Grandpa!” Heather said quite loudly, but the music drowned it out. She started to stand.
“What do you mean?” Martha said, rising up a bit, looking back at Jed.
Jed had brought his hands up to his chest. He was looking toward the vestibule, where the bride was to come out, with a stricken look on his face. Many of the guests saw this now, and a few started to rise, unsure if they should go to his aid.
When the bride walked out of the shadows and into the sunlight, there was a uniform gasp from the quests.
“Oh . . . my . . . God!” said Heather.
“What the hell is she thinking?” Martha muttered under her breath.
Jed still had not composed himself when Carmen walked up to him and took his arm, ready to walk down the aisle in the sheerest dress imaginable.
“I’m glad she’s a blonde,” said Heather, ducking her head. She looked over at the cute boy she was talking with earlier. He was staring at the bride with his mouth hanging open.
“What do you mean?” Martha asked.