“Just so we’re clear this time, I want you to be my girlfriend.”
Her smile is so big I think it could make the whole world happy. “Yes.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
~Virginia~
The next couple of weeks are a mixture of strange and wonderful—wonderfully strange, I guess. In some ways, I’ve become the girl I never thought I would be. The one who hangs out with her boyfriend every day and thinks about him when he’s not there and wonders how on Earth they’ll ever make this work.
The kicker is, the world hasn’t come crashing in yet. Homework is still the first thing I do after school; it’s just now I’m doing it with Ryder. We managed to get the principal to take our proposal to the school board about the showers. I’m making great progress in FBLA.
So, in other words, I’m still me.
That doesn’t mean I’m the girl who will skip school for no reason, or the one who will be dancing on tabletops at a party. Ryder and responsibility seem to be two things I can handle together, so maybe I can be the girl who doesn’t lose her head to a boyfriend. Who can balance the two because they’re the things I want more than anything else.
That doesn’t mean I’m not scared out of my mind, though. It doesn’t mean that when the bell rings after English and I get asked to stay after, that my heart isn’t running a marathon.
“How are things going with you, Lulu?”
Sometimes it’s so weird when a teacher asks a normal question like that. It’s as though they think you’re friends or something. I mean, it’s not that I dislike my teachers. I respect what they do, but the divide is always there, and when someone tries to cross it, things get out of whack. “Fine.”
“I’m excited about your mom’s new book. Have you read it?”
Especially when they’re a fan of your mom’s. Especially when they think that will bring you closer when all it does it make you want to crawl out of your own skin.
I often wonder if Mom sacrificed herself for what she does. Maybe to others, that doesn’t make sense, but she puts so much of herself into the books she writes. She’ll stay locked in her office for days or randomly disrupt my schooling to try and get me to go on a work trip with her, so that other people can lose themselves in the world of her characters. Has she lost herself to them, as well? Is that what happened to Annette Klinger, Virginia Woolf, and Sylvia Plath? Do they give so much of themselves to people who aren’t real that they lose who they are? Their grip on what reality is or is not?
“No, I haven’t.”
Mrs. Young frowns but then tries to cover it. It’s almost as though she’s seeing more than I’m saying. As if I’m wearing my fear, when I’ve never done that before. “I better get to class.”
“Wait.” She reaches into her desk and pulls out a manila envelope. “I know you weren’t sure if you’re interested, but I got the entry packet for you. You’re the most skilled writer I’ve had the pleasure of teaching, Lulu.”
“I’m going into business.”
“You’re still moving on to higher education, and any and all accolades you get can only help you.”
Why?, I want to ask her. Why are you pushing this?
“You should be proud of your talent. I can only imagine how happy it must make your mother.”
Because I’m automatically destined to be like she is. Only, I won’t accept that. “I’m not interested.”
“Take it anyway. You never know.”
So I do. It’s almost as if the package burns my hand as I carry it, before it opens a wound and lets my curiosity free. I wonder what kind of story they want.
“Mommy, look! I wrote a story. Daddy helped me type it.”
Mom hasn’t even read it, yet her eyes are already filled with glassy excitement. “You did, Virginia? Let me see it. I want to read it.”
I dance around the room as her eyes scan my adventure about the girl who writes fantastical stories that transport her to whatever world she creates. Whatever she writes comes true. My blood rushes when I think of fighting dragons, and winning the hand of the prince. There are so many journeys I want to take.
“Come here, Virginia. Give me a hug.”
I run into Mom’s arms and hold her.
“This is so good. One day you’ll write stories even better than mine.”
Dad walks into the room and grins. “Like mother, like daughter.”
Not going to happen.
I shove the envelope into my backpack and go about my day. I don’t care about the papers in my bag, about fantasy worlds and living out other people’s lives. I have my own real life to worry about.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
~Ryder~
“I’m thinking about getting a job.” Twisting the knob, I turn up the heater in Virginia’s car.
“What about school?” She sounds scandalized.
“What about it? I’m not dropping out or anything.” It’s a struggle, but I manage not to laugh at her. She’s irritated, I can tell, though she won’t tell me why. Her dad’s home today, so we can’t go to her house. It’s stupid of me not to invite her to mine, but letting her see the inside of my house is almost letting her see the real me. Messy and dirty. When we’re at her place, I can pretend.
“My dad is big on not working while I’m in school. I know a lot of people do it, and that’s great, but now’s the time to be focusing on our academics.”
This time, I can’t help but chuckle. She sounds like I imagine her mom and dad sound when they tell her that.
“Ugh. Whatever.”
Yep, she’s definitely pissy. “We need to go somewhere and do your homework, STAT. We’re reaching dangerous levels here.”
Her body tenses up slightly.
“Hey. I’m kidding. What’s wrong?” I reach over and set my hand on her leg.
“Nothing. Why do you want to get a job?”
Her words make my guts twist up. It’s what she did in the beginning, like the second night we were at the water when she asked me questions instead of answering them. It’s her way of keeping me out. “Because I feel like a piece of shit since either Shane has to take me to your school or you have to pick me up every day. Not that I’d be able to save to get a car anytime soon. By the time I got one…” She’ll be off at Stanford. And no, it’s not far, but I’m not delusional enough to think she’s still going to want to be with me then.
“It doesn’t matter.” Virginia glances my way.
Maybe not to her, but it does to me. I grab one of the strings on my hoodie and wrap it around my finger.
“I wish we could go to my house.” She drums her fingers on the steering wheel.
Me, too… But I get it. I’m not the guy she could bring home to dad.
“What about your place? I want to meet Luke, too. Does he hate me? He seemed like he hated me that one time I saw him outside.”
“Nope. He hates me is more like it. Plus, he’s not at home. You don’t want to go to my house, it sucks. And you don’t want to meet my brother, either.” Which really means that I don’t want her to meet him. Not for the same reasons she doesn’t want her dad knowing me, though. Her dad will tell her I’m not good enough. I’m afraid Luke will make her see the same thing.
“Gee, thanks for telling me how I feel. Are we at that stage in the relationship where our thoughts aren’t our own?”
Ouch. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. And what’s wrong with you? You’re being stabby.”
“Stabby?”
That makes the corners of her mouth pull up slightly. I hadn’t even meant to use the word. It’s something Drea says sometimes. My chest gets an ache, right in the center. It’s been strained with my friends lately. It’s weird with Dre, which makes it uncomfortable for all of us. “I got it from someone.”
Virginia pulls up to a red light and looks my way. The green of her eyes is darker, sadder. I’m not sure if it’s because she knows it’s Drea or because of whatever has her in a bad mood.
“You miss them.”
/>
“They’re still around.”
“We don’t have to hang out every day.”
“Yeah, but I don’t get to kiss them. You’re more fun.” I wait, hoping for a smile that doesn’t come. There’s a honk behind us and then she drives again.
After a minute of silence, I say, “I’m where I wanna be.”
“Me, too…” She sounds sadder about that than she should be. “My English teacher… She’s pushing me on this writing thing she wants me to do. It’s a competition.”
“You don’t want to?” The words almost don’t compute. Virginia equals school. I can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to do whatever they think she should.
“No.”
“Why does she want you to?”
She shrugs. “Because of who my mom is…and because she thinks I’m good.”
“Why don’t you want to?”
It takes her a minute, but then she says, “The same reasons.”
This time it’s her who reaches towards me. Virginia threads her fingers through mine and it does something to me, makes me feel like there isn’t anything I can’t do. She’s looking for me to ground her right now.
“I’ll never push you with shit like that. If you want to tell me, I’m here. If you don’t, I won’t try and talk you into it.” We all have our own shit, and we deal with it in our own way.
“It’s not like you probably don’t know… You heard her that day. One internet search is all it would take.”
She’s right about that. After that day she fought with her mom, I’ve always known something is up with them, known she somehow hurts Virginia. They tossed around a lot of crap. The letters DID stuck out. “I didn’t look it up. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Like I said, I won’t push. I want to know, but only if you tell me, not because I think I deserve to know. Not because I went behind your back.” Luke has always been in my business like that. He never wants to hear what I say, because he’s already decided the answers before he speaks to me.
“Hey.” I release her hand and wipe the one tear that escapes her eye. “Why are you crying?”
“Because you’re better than you realize, Ryder Blackstock. It scares me as much as it sets me free.”
She deserves to be free from whatever it is that’s trapping her. And I want that, what she said, to be true. I want to be better than who I’ve always thought I am.
“Turn left at the next light. I know where we can go.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
~Virginia~
Ryder leads me to a diner, or a café, I guess. Annie’s Café. I don’t really know why we’re here.
“Do they have good food here, or something?” Even if they do, Ryder doesn’t typically want to go out, because he often doesn’t have money. It bothers him, though I wish it didn’t. Money doesn’t matter to me. Not that I don’t know I’m blessed to have it. I do, but it’s not important to me that he doesn’t have what I do.
“Come on. Let’s go in.” He nods toward the building. It has a big, red awning around half of it with windows all along the front.
He has his backpack up front with him, so he grabs it. I take mine out of the back, and then follow him as he walks. It’s funny how you can tell a mood someone’s in just by seeing them from behind. Their body language tells the story for them, and Ryder’s is saying he’s nervous.
He holds the door open for me, this boy with piercings in his lip, who likes to party and doesn’t really care about school, though I’m not really sure how true the last part is. I think he cares; he just never had anyone who let him show it. He’s stubborn. If you push, he pushes back so it's important to just let him be.
“Thanks.”
“No problem—”
“Hey, Ryder!” A girl with red hair cuts him off. She looks like she’s in her early twenties and she’s gorgeous. “We don’t see you here often.”
The café is about three-quarters of the way full. There are servers busily moving around from table to table. It’s loud but not too bad.
“Got an empty table for us; kind of out of the way? Virginia needs to do her homework.” Virginia, not we.
It’s the first time the girl notices me. Her nose wrinkles. Not in a mean way, but a shocked one. “Yeah, sure. One just emptied in the back corner. Let me clean it for you real quick. Your brother’s around here somewhere. He’s in a mood. Night waitress called in so he’s going to have to stay.”
Oh. Now, I get why he’s nervous. Luke works here. I don’t know why Ryder’s strange about us meeting, but I know this is a big deal for him.
The waitress walks away as the door to the kitchen swings open. A man walks out of the same door and I know immediately who it is...Luke. He looks so similar to Ryder. They’re both tall and built the same. They both walk like they carry the weight of the world, and their eyes try to hide who they are. I didn’t realize it the first time I saw him. Part of me wants to be shy, but my instincts take over, instincts I hope are right as I shake the nerves out of my hand before threading my fingers through Ryder’s.
Luke looks down at our hands, up into my eyes, and gives me a small shake of his head.
“Virginia, this is my brother, Luke. Luke, this is my Virginia. I mean, Virginia. My…girlfriend.”
It’s as though Ryder took a stun gun to his brother. He doesn’t move at first, in this obvious sort of trance, but then he snaps out of it and holds his hand out. I have to let go of Ryder’s hand to shake it.
“Hey…um… it’s nice to meet you.”
“You, too,” I reply.
“We’re gonna go sit down. Meg’s cleaning a table for Virginia to do her homework.” Ryder latches onto my hand again and then heads toward the back of the restaurant, leaving Luke to watch us in shock. Meg is just finishing up. She smiles and asks if we want anything as we slide into the booth. Ryder glances at me. “Can you get Virginia a Diet Dr. Pepper? I’ll just have water. Do you want anything to eat? We can get a menu.”
Shaking my head is easier than replying. He knows my drink. Without me telling him, he knows my drink. It makes my insides turn to mush.
Meg leaves and Ryder scrolls through his phone as I pull work from my bag.
“You don’t have to do that, you know.” I don’t look at him.
“Do what?”
I open my math book. “You’re not proving your brother, Meg or anyone else right by not doing your homework. Maybe they expect it, maybe they don’t, but they don’t matter. Only you do.” I shrug. “Only what you want.”
He sets his phone on the table, spinning it as he watches it. It represents his mind. I imagine all the wheels turning in there, thinking about what I said. Or maybe not even my words, but how he feels. I won’t pretend to get Ryder’s relationship with his brother. What I do know is, if we were at my house, he would automatically be doing his work with me.
Maybe I’m delusional. Maybe I want to pretend that’s the real Ryder, he’s just kept him in hiding, when in reality, he pretends when he’s with me.
When he peers up, his multi-colored eyes connecting with mine, I see mischief there. “But how will I get my reward if we’re in public?”
“Oh my God. Shut up.” I toss a napkin at him. Yes, the making out between assignments will pretty much be non-existent here. “Don’t pretend that’s why you do it.” It better not be. Then I add, “I guess that means I’ll have to double up on your reward next time.” My face burns and I can’t look at him.
“That’s what I’m talking about.” Ryder opens his bag and pulls out his binder and books. Meg brings our drinks and we each get started, doing our thing. About twenty minutes in, he whispers, “Hey.”
“Yes?” I roll my pen between my fingers, still staring at my books.
“Thanks… For reeling me back in. For not expecting anything one way or another. Just letting me know it’s okay to be me.”
If I wasn’t already there, it’s those words that would make my heart take a header off the cliff, diving all the w
ay in love with Ryder.
“It’s not an act with you. You know who you are more than anyone I’ve met.”
That’s where he’s wrong about me. “No, I don’t. I just try harder to create the person I want to be.”
I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad, but it’s real.
Meg keeps the water and Diet Dr. Pepper coming. Ryder and I move from subject to subject. He takes breaks to tease me from time to time. We laugh a lot, like we always do.
When we’re finished with our work, I look at my phone. “I should go. Dad’s making dinner tonight. Do you want me to take you home?”
He gets a sad, sort of smile on his face and shakes his head. “Nah. I’ll chill here for a while. Maybe call Shane to come get me. I’ll walk you out, though.”
He waits as I pack my bag, and then reaches out to carry it for me. I feel like Hailey did that night I told her about Ryder—I practically saw the hearts and butterfly bubbles floating around her head.
Oh God. I’m that girl. I’m totally a romantic.
Since it’s Ryder, I’m okay with that.
When we get to the car, he puts my bag in the back. I lean against the driver door and Ryder steps in closely. He touches my hair like he always does. Watches it slide through his fingers. And then he leans his forearms on my car, one on either side of my head, and drops his forehead to mine.
“I had this dream last night. I was sleeping in the dream, and then I woke up. I was in my room, but it wasn’t in my house. It was a big house, like yours. My stuff was new, and my carpet was soft. I got dressed, and when I looked in the mirror, my piercings weren’t there, but it was like they’d never been there. I went downstairs and Luke and I had dinner with our dad. He wore a suit and drank orange juice. After we ate, I went to pick you up in my car. We met Dre, Shane, Tan and Cody at school ‘cause we all went to the same one. It was nice like your school.”
I wish I could show him my heart so he could see it breaking for him, so he could know that the organ beating in my chest is his; but I’m scared to tell him.