“It’s strange, because that’s not me. We know it never will be, Virginia, and I’ve never wanted it to be. I like my piercings. I don’t want a dad who wears a suit, and I’ll probably always be kind of a dickhead. But it felt normal in the dream. It felt right for you.”
I can’t find words so I find his mouth instead. My hands hold the sides of his face and I slip my tongue into his mouth. I want to breathe him in. Memorize his taste on my tongue, and show him that who we are or who we think we should be doesn’t matter. I want to make myself believe it as much as I need Ryder to see it, because as much as I want it to be true, I’m still who I am and he’s still who he is. Not that I don’t think those people are good for each other, but because I wonder if we’re good for ourselves.
CHAPTER THIRTY
~Ryder~
I’ve never really been into Diet Dr. Pepper, but it tastes good on Virginia’s tongue. Or maybe it’s just her who tastes good.
I drop one of my hands to her waist and hold her. Let her be the one to kiss me, because it seems like she needs it.
And maybe I do, as well.
When the kiss ends, she’s still holding my face. “I don’t want the guy from the dream.”
“Suck up,” I tease her, but she doesn’t laugh. Virginia and I might be different in many ways, but we’re both grounded in reality—just a different reality. We know how the world works. We know everyone has their roles. As good as this feels right now, it probably won’t last. She has her destiny and I have mine. The two probably won’t mix.
“There’s this…dance. Homecoming, at my school in a couple weeks. Hailey and Jamie are going with these guys, and… I could get you a guest pass.”
When I step backward, her hands drop away.
When we first met, Virginia always looked at my lips when I spoke. Not because she wanted to kiss me, but because she wasn’t used to my piercings. I’ve seen her school, and I know who she is there.
I wouldn’t fit. It’s not something I give a shit about for me, but for her. “I don’t think that’s really a good idea. They have to put where you go to school at things like that, right? They’re not gonna want me there.”
“So? I want you there. It’s something I have to go to, Ryder. It’s my senior year. It’s important.”
Translation: She’s going with or without me.
“I get that.” I shrug, but my insides are getting all tied up in knots. I don’t want her to have to go without me. But shit like that takes money, which we both know I don’t have. “I should get back in there.” Bigger bullshit has never come out of my mouth. We both know there is zero reason for me to have to go back into the café.
“Fine.” She jerks open her door.
“Hey. It’s not you. I wanna dance with you.” And I do. “But I can’t…” I’ve often thought about meeting her dad and her friends, wanting to be a part of every aspect of her life, but how can I be when she doesn’t even know who I am? Not everything, at least. Not the big stuff.
“Okay,” she says. “I’ll…I’ll talk to you later.” I can tell she’s hurt, but still I let her get in the car. I don’t stop her from starting it or tell her not to drive away. Instead, I let her go.
Even though it’s cold out, my body feels like that one time Shane’s car overheated, smoke coming out of the hood and all.
Suddenly, I’m pissed that she asked me and pissed I said no. Pissed that I have to go back into the diner to get my shit because I know Luke will be waiting inside for me.
I make it all the way to the back table before Luke shows up. “Hey, you heading out?”
“Yeah, Shane will be here to get me in a bit.” I’m a good liar. I always have been.
“You want something to eat first?”
Umm, what? Luke hasn’t asked me to eat here in a long time. That’s all it takes for me to realize why he’s doing it. Because he saw me with Virginia? Saw me doing homework and being the good little boy so now I’m suddenly worthy? “Nah, it’s cool.”
“Listen.” Luke rubs the back of his neck. “Do you have a minute? Can we go talk in the office?” He’s wearing an Annie’s Café T-shirt, stained from a day’s work. It’s so not Luke. For the first time, I wonder if he hates himself every day he puts it on. No, I guess it’s me he hates since I’m the one he had to come back for.
“Shane will be here any minute.”
“Just for a second, Ry. Please.”
I don’t remember the last time my brother said please to me. It’s me who goes for the hallway first. I wait beside the office door for him to unlock it. He closes the door behind us and I fall into one of the chairs.
“The principal and I have been talking every day.”
“What the fuck? You’re keeping tabs on me?”
Luke shakes his head. “It’s new. Since the last time you skipped school. You’re my responsibility, Ry. That’s what I’m here for.”
No matter how much he hates it.
“He said you’ve been doing better lately. You haven’t skipped in weeks. Your teachers say you’ve been turning in your homework assignments. That girl…did she get through to you? Whatever it is, I’m proud of you.”
I shove out of the chair. “Because of Virginia, of course. It has to be because of her. I would never want to do good on my own, right?”
“Hey, that’s not what I said, but you have to admit you never tried before her. We’re lucky you were on track to graduate!”
Tell me again, a voice inside my head whispers, tell me you’re proud of me. I hate myself because of that voice. Hate that I want this from Luke. That I need it. He’s never been proud of me before, never told me anything I did really mattered unless he was telling me how much I was ruining my life. How much Dad sucked and how I’d be just like him.
“I’m out of here.” I make it to the door before his voice stops me.
“Don’t go.” His voice cracks. Luke steps toward me, popping his knuckles. He does that when he’s nervous.
Still, he’s the one who went first. He never wanted to stay for me, and now he wants to pretend he’s close to me.
“I’m tired of fighting with you. I didn’t want that. I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of you about school and everything. She’s pretty, your girlfriend.”
She wants me to go to homecoming at her school with her. I want to tell him, ask him what I should do, ask him to help. But the words get lost inside me.
“You really like her a lot.” Pop, pop, pop.
I drop my forehead against the door. “Yeah.”
“She lives in Cliffton. This big ass house with all this nice stuff. Her mom’s a writer. I don’t know what her dad does, but it’s something big. She gets straight A’s and she’s in FBLA. Do you know what that is? Future Business Leaders of America.”
“Yeah,” Luke says. “Yeah, I know.”
Of course, he would.
“When you were doing your work, when you weren’t looking at her, she was always looking at you. She likes you just as much as you like her, Ry. All that other stuff doesn’t matter.”
But it does, and thank you, war inside me.
“Does she know? About Dad and…”
Luke might not have the balls to, but I finish for him. “Me? No.”
What am I supposed to tell her? My dad is a criminal by trade? He’s on the run, and I used to do jobs with him? That I’ve been caught stealing twice since he left, though both times were a while ago? That I’ve only quit because if I get locked up, I can’t go to Dad, and that I only have one more strike?
“All that shit? You were a kid. That’s on Dad. You did what you were taught. But you’re old enough to make your own decisions now, little bro. Whatever you do, I want you to know I’m proud of your behavior these past few weeks.”
There has never been a day in my life I thought I was as good as Luke. I’ve never been as polite as him or as smart as he is. I’ve never been responsible like he was, even when he was too young to really understand the wo
rd. I’ve never done something to make him proud. Proud. That’s the word I want lost inside me, so even when I can’t remember it, it’s always there—trapped. Maybe I’ll still be able to feel it.
“I have to head back out there and get to work.”
Slowly, I turn toward my brother. He leans against the desk. When I face him, he runs a hand through his dark hair.
“Can I…can I stay back here until you get off?”
He doesn’t call me on the fact that I said Shane’s coming. He just nods and says, “Of course. We’ll ride home together.”
And then he leaves me in the room, alone with my thoughts, alone with the knowledge of what I have to do.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
~Virginia~
It’s been a couple days since I’ve seen Ryder. We’ve texted back and forth every day but haven’t been able to catch up. My friends and I aren’t organizing the Homecoming dance this year, but they’ve been asking for our help. When I add that on top of everything else I have going on, it cuts into my time.
I’m not sure what Ryder’s doing today, and I miss him. It’s ridiculous and lame. It’s been three days. It’s not like that's so long, but then I realize something—it’s okay to miss a boy. It’s okay to want to be with him as long as I still take care of myself. Which I am. It’s the reason I’m driving out to Mom’s right now.
I miss her, too.
The thing is, Mom has always pushed when it came to me. Just like she shoved her way into my room the day she came to my school, she’s always pushed her way into my life, kept herself close.
Since our last argument, she hasn’t pushed.
Hasn’t called.
I haven’t heard a word from her.
That’s probably wrong of me, to want her here, to want her to call me or to come talk to me when I’m not sure I would be receptive of it. I kind of think that’s what makes us human, though. We all have selfish feelings, whether we admit to them or not. We all want to be loved, even if we can’t show we feel the same.
Right now, I want my mom. I want to tell her about Ryder and ask her what to do. I want to laugh with her, and whisper that I think I’m in love, and tell her how scary that is. There’s even a part of me that wants her to know I want to be with him because he makes my nerve endings feel like they’re shorting out due to too much electricity every time he touches me.
I want to know what her first time was like.
I want a guarantee that she’ll always be ‘her’ when we speak.
My fingers linger on the key when I park across the street from her house. It’s the house we all used to live in, where the dining room table used to be when we had our talks.
Closing my fingers, I turn the key, but don’t get out of the car. I guess I knew when I came here that I wouldn’t get out. From here, I can be close to her without the risk of all the other stuff.
Without seeing her fear and pain, and without being scared that I’ll be just like her.
When I look at the house, I see the times I needed her, when she couldn’t be there for me. I see when she left me alone for days to go to a concert—the little girl pretending she wasn’t afraid, when that fear was the only thing that kept her blood pumping.
I see that girl looking at the woman who she loved and admired, and then experiencing her pain when she was let down time and time again.
My phone buzzes in my lap, pulling me out of the memories. When I look down, the screen is wet from my tears.
I’m tired of being a girl named Fear. Or a girl named Weak, Lonely, Destiny, Guilt or anything else. It’s too much. They’re too much. It’s almost like I’m already not the person I want to be. I’m already not Virginia.
So I dry my eyes. Then my phone.
Can we meet at your place? Have some time before your dad gets home?
Ryder.
I don’t hesitate to reply. I’ll be there in thirty.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
~Ryder~
Dad’s hands always shook when he did a job. It never disrupted what he was doing, but they always trembled.
Once, I asked him if it was because he was scared. He was the man to me. I never imagined him being afraid of anything, so it didn’t make sense.
Dad said it wasn’t fear, it was excitement.
He loved the rush of being able to take what he wanted. Loved showing people who thought they were better than him that he always came out on top.
As fucked as it sounds, I wanted my hands to shake after that conversation.
Eventually they did, and I thought it was incredible.
Right now, I can’t get them to stop, and I hate it. It’s not excitement this time. It’s fear. There’s nothing I want more than for the earthquake to stop. I don’t want to worry. I want to know everything will be okay.
Virginia pulls into her driveway and smiles at me. It’s a lie, though. I see it in the shape of her lips and the way she holds her body. My voice echoes in my head—What’s wrong? But I don’t let the words pass my lips. If I do, I’ll chicken out. It will be my excuse not to tell her. I may be a thief, but I’m not a liar.
“Hey.” I open her door for her. “Hand me your bag. I’ll carry it in for you.” She does and then gets out. I close the door behind her.
My hand burns with the need to run it through her hair. It’s the color of honey, hanging neat against her back.
“What’s wrong?” Virginia cocks her head slightly and I wonder how she knows. How she sees something’s wrong when I’m usually good at hiding it when I want to. Most of the time, I don’t care enough to hide it.
And now I can’t stop myself from threading my fingers through all the light brown. I let my hand rest on her neck as I lean forward and press my lips to her forehead. I want her mouth. Selfishly, I want to kiss her lips in case this is the last time; but that’s not fair to her. Not telling her who I am was never fair to Virginia.
“Nothing.” I nod toward her house. Let’s go in.
I follow Virginia to the door. She unlocks it and then steps aside for me to go in first. She doesn’t usually do that, and it will make this tougher, but I walk past her. As I step inside, I let a small cough out before slipping my hand into my pocket.
Virginia closes the door. I let her take the lead this time as she heads for the stairs. Instead of going up first, she waits. I let my hand slide across the table beside me as I walk. The next part will be tougher, but I have no doubt I’ll pull it off. I stumble a little. Virginia grins but takes a step, making it so I’m behind her like I need to be so I can finish things off.
When we get to her room, I close the door and set her backpack on the bed.
“Can you believe I didn’t do my homework right after school? That means we have to do it now. We can play the game, though. How many kisses for each assignment?”
Do it. Do homework with her and hold her and forget about everything else.
But I don’t.
My hands start going crazy again. My throat gets tight, and I realize how ironic this is. I haven’t even thought about stealing in so long. I haven’t wanted to do it, but here I am and I now hate it. “Remember that night on the beach? When you asked me what I inherited from my dad?”
Her nose wrinkles. It’s cute as hell. I’ve never thought something like that is cute on a girl before.
“Yeah…” The wheels are turning in her head. She’s trying to figure out where I’m going with this.
For the millionth time, I want to forget it. Turn around and back off the edge. But I don’t. I reach into my pocket and pull out the little gold box.
Virginia takes it, still looking lost. “It’s supposed to hold good luck. You keep it by the door, so that anyone who walks in can ‘take luck’ if they need to.”
“I didn’t know that.” I shrug, wishing I could have taken some luck from it as I picked it off the table when we walked in.
Again, my hand slides into my pocket. This time I pull out the brown leather case that holds p
ens. It was on top of the journals on the table at the foot of the stairs.
Her eyes, full of questions, go wide like they were the first night. I love the crazy shade of green, but hate the uncertainty I see in them now.
“I don’t understand what you’re telling me.”
Because she doesn’t want to see it.
My heart starts slam-dancing against my ribs, break-dancing the way Tanner does. The echo in my ears is so loud I can hardly hear. One more reach into my other pocket. This time I pull out her wallet. The wallet that was in the front zipper on her backpack before I carried it for her.
She always keeps it there.
“How…” Virginia takes a step backward but her bed stops her. “I didn’t hear anything. Not the zipper or… You walked in in front of me. How did you get the luck box without me seeing it… Why?” She shakes her head.
On instinct, I step forward, wanting to comfort her. To tell her I’m sorry and that it will be okay. I am sorry, but I don’t really know if it will be okay. And right now, I don’t deserve to touch her.
“My dad’s a criminal.” I shrug as though it doesn’t matter. “He’s a thief, as in, it’s what he does. He taught me when I was young, and I was good at it. It’s the only thing I’ve ever really been good at. He’s actually wanted right now. It’s how Luke got stuck with me. He always said he’d come back for me.” And for the first time, I wonder if I’ll really want to go with him… Virginia has college and I have Dad, but the thought of going creates a hole in my chest. Tasting the words I just spoke to her makes me want to vomit.
Virginia doesn’t reply. Her legs go out. I step forward again but stop myself. She falls to the bed, silent.
“He used to take me on jobs with him. When he left, I got caught shoplifting twice. I stole a car when I was fourteen to try and find my dad, only I didn’t get caught that time. I have two strikes. I can’t get another one before I turn eighteen or I go to juvie.”