Chapter 14
My alarm has been going off for hours. I roll over when Trevor bursts in my room, “Get up already! You better be packed!” He runs his hands through his hair causing it to bounce in all directions, “I swear I can’t be late—” his rant is interrupted when I hear Melissa yell that Blake and Kim are here.
I jump out of bed and start unbraiding my hair. I run my fingers through it with some gel and then sprits it a few times with hair spray. I put some mascara on and run in my closet. I dig around and find a State shirt and throw it on over my leggings. I grab my bag and purse and sprint down the stairs, tripping over my bag and landing on my face at the bottom, “What an entrance,” Kim laughs.
I get up and look around, “where’s Trevor and Blake?”
She shakes her head, “in the car, I was sent to go get you but it looks like you beat me to it.”
Melissa frowns at me through the windshield, “seriously? You’re wearing a state shirt to Texas?”
I get in the car and raise my brows, “Trying to make a statement here.” She laughs and the rest of the ride to airport is quiet.
My stomach twists and turns as I enter the plane. I grip my purse tight on my shoulder and try to focus on anything but what I’m about to do. I take a couple of deep breaths when Blake whispers in my ear, “hey you good with sitting next to me?” I shrug. Blake nudges me up the isle as the line moves forward and people move to their seats, “Trevor wanted to sit with Kim.” I nod and I figured it’d be this way, so I already mentioned to Evan I’d most likely be sitting with Blake—not that he’d asked or anything I just went ahead and got it off of my chest.
I step aside into an empty seat and let Blake edge past me so he can find our seats. He finally snuggles into a seat and I slip in next to him. The seat next to me stays empty until last minute when a gorgeous blonde lady sits next to me, which makes me feel instant relief because I am so glad I’m not sitting next to someone weird. All except for takeoff and landing the plane ride is a blur; I used my latest chicklit as a welcomed distraction from the thought of being miles up in the air.
When we arrive to the university, we’re grouped with a tour guide that shows us the dorm rooms where we’ll be staying, “now it’s winter break which you obviously know,” a girl with awesome purple and lavender ombre hair is saying, “so the campus is practically a ghost town,” we enter a gothic-looking building with gray and black marbled floor. She tells us different urban legends and histories of this particular building and I start to zone out. I mean I’d be a lot more interested if I weren’t a freshmen. I mean college is forever away for me, so I really didn’t see a point in paying all that much attention. After she’s finished talking she hands out papers with a roster telling us who’s in what room. A couple of people are making a fuss over some mix-up with their rooming situation. The girl rolls her eyes and makes them follow her to administration.
I look at my paper a little shocked that I’m not roomed with Kim, but instead with Blake, “I’m roomed with you?”
I hadn’t realized the tour guide was passing me at the time and she took it upon herself to explain, “well, this is college life you won’t have mommy and daddy here to look over your shoulder every five seconds,” she waggles her eyebrows, “and co-ed dorms exist you know,” she shrugs, “Although floors are still separated by sex,” she rolls her eyes, “Which is something we’re all working on. I mean if a dorm is co-ed then it should be co-ed you know?”
No I didn’t know but I just give her a bleak smile and pretend like I do, “but they made an exception for open house this year, you can room with the person you came with even if you’re of the opposite sex,” she holds up her index finger, “which is a monumental moment.” She smiles and drags the unhappy people away from the group and tells us all to explore, and to make sure we don’t lose our handout that has the schedule on it.
Blake looks to his feet, “Trevor wanted to be with Kim, so that meant you roomed with me unless you wanted to chance it with some stranger?” he waved his hands in the air.
I shook my head, “it’s cool, I mean we’ll have separate beds,” my face flushes, “Evan kind of got his feelings hurt from that one night.” I didn’t have to finish because the look on Blake’s face said that he understood. He doesn’t say a word, he just takes hold of my bag and slings it over his shoulder and I follow him to our room.
Kim and Trevor walk with us until it’s time for them to head off to the second floor, “we’ll settle in and meet up after a while.” I nod at Trevor and then he looks at me, “that is if you don’t care?”
I give him the biggest smile I can manage, “of course not.” I lie through my teeth and I know he knows but he chooses to ignore it because he also knows I really want things to work with Kim and I’ll do almost anything to help them out. Kim waves and we part our ways, I follow Blake to the end of the hall where he opens the door and deposits our bags on the floor.
I dig in my bag and get busy with placing my sheets on the bed, once it’s made I jump on it and soon regret my actions because the mattress is hard as a rock. Blake makes a face at my thud and I nod agreeing that it didn’t feel good. I whip out my phone and shoot Evan a text letting him know I made it safe and sound. I look up when I hear dresser drawers opening and shutting and the shuffle of a bag. Blake is actually unpacking his bag. I shake my head, he can do that all he wants but I despise packing and unpacking and we won’t be here all that long so I’m not wasting the effort.
“Are you going to unpack?”
I roll my eyes and flip on my belly kicking my feet back and forth in the air, “please.”
He shrugs and shakes his head, “I can’t believe you wore a state shirt.”
I huff, “I can’t believe you’re not just using the Texas scout for a free vacation,” Blake chuckles. I flip through my phone searching for a song to play and decide on Miley. I turn it up and lay my phone on the desk in front of my bed.
Blake makes a face and stares at my phone like it’s a ferocious beast, “seriously?”
I smile, “seriously.” Three or four songs play and Blake is still unpacking which is funny because I hadn’t pegged him as a neat freak when Trevor and Kim walk into the room.
Trevor jumps on my bed and lies across my back, “I love this song!” Kim squeals. Trevor mocks her but we both just ignore him.
We’re all talking about different things we saw or heard about on campus when someone pounds on the door and then crashes through. It’s the girl with the purple hair, “okay so you didn’t hear this from me, but it’s kind of custom for the kids to sneak in a bar downtown,” she blows an enormous bubble of gum and then pops it with a loud smack, “and it’s my duty to accidently on purpose tell you about it. But it should be easy for you all to get in without getting caught because it’s winter break and everyone’s at home so,” her voice is laced with boredom and she’s looking up at the ceiling like she’s said these exact same words twenty different times and she more than likely has because we toured with a large group, “it’s kind of a dead scene and they’ll welcome the money and they must like have a deal with the abc or something because they’re not here until school’s in session,” she mumbles skeezy bastards under her breath and then she looks at each and every one of us, “You. Did. Not. Hear. This. From. Me,” she narrows her eyes, “seriously, and if you want a fake come to room 214 and we’ll see what we can do but it’s 20 bucks,” she goes to leave but then adds, “which is a deal because normally it’s a 150 bucks.” Then she slams the door shut.
Kim jumps up, “we’re going clubbing!”
I look at her, “I’m not.”
She looks like I kicked a puppy. “Eh why not?”
“Because I don’t have anything to wear and I’m fifteen!”
Kim shrugs, “Who cares and you know I have something you could wear.”
Thirty minutes later and I find myself in Kim’s room with her dressing me like a doll. I stand in front of a mirror tha
t’s hanging on the closet door. I’m wearing a red dress that’s skin-tight and hardly covers my butt. My hair is plump and fluffed; my eyes are smoky as the night; my lips are the color of blush wine, “this is a lot of make-up”.” I say.
Kim smiles, “I had to make you look older.” I nod and she tugs me out the door, “the guys are waiting for us in the lobby,” she smacks my hand away from tugging my dress lower on my thighs, “you look great so stop,” she gives herself the once over and then winks in the mirror and I laugh, “come on we need to get our id’s.” I nod and go to pick my phone off of the desk when she stops me, “you should leave that behind, you could lose it or something.”
I nod but then I decide I want to take it, “but I won’t be drinking.”
Kim gives me a look, “you’re young and wild and free!” she throws her hands in the air, “let’s leave your phone here.”
I inhale and decide to leave it here after I check it one more time. And when I do my stomach jumps a hundred times. Evan sent me a text. It’s really bothering me that you’re going to Texas with Blake. I just don’t think I can be serious with someone that hangs out with other guys. I go to call him but he doesn’t answer so I leave him a voicemail about wanting to talk things through and how he means the world to me. A minute passes and as I go to lay the phone on the desk he shoots me another text I’m sorry. Kim’s looking over my shoulder and she gives me a hug.
“You can’t blame the guy. Before Trev cheated on me I would say screw him, because he’s being controlling,” she shrugs, “but now I totally get where he’s coming from,” I nod and tears well in my eyes but I don’t let them fall because I don’t want to ruin my makeup, “remember you’re young and free.” Kim gives me a shake and we get our pictures made for our fake i.d.’s.
There’s a group of people at the bottom of the stairs and I start to feel self-conscious when I feel everyone’s gazes locked on me and Kim. When I reach the bottom step I ask her what the deal is. She just throws her head back and laughs, “We’re freaking hot.” I don’t say anything, I just keep my gaze forward and when I reach the last step my eyes lock onto Blake.
He’s never looked so good in ripped jeans and a snug white tee complete with a worn black leather jacket. I know it’s so cliché but I don’t give a damn. Clichés are clichés for a reason. His eyes widen, “Lexi?” He does a double take like he can’t believe his eyes.
I narrow my eyes slightly and give him a slight smile the way I’ve watched the Victoria Secret models do when they do their runway strut. My pulse quickens when I see he’s styled his hair in a mess; and it’s driving me crazy the way he’s all put together; making it look effortless and classic. I raise a brow, “Blake?”
Kim snickers and leans closer to my ear, “Young and free,” I give her the side eye and she shrugs, “Evan’s no fool,” and then she smirks, “or maybe he is.”
I don’t even make a comment because I know what she’s implying and I don’t even have to remind her that he’s dating Kammie. While waiting for us, the guys called a cab and had one ready for us when we left the dorm. I tug my dress down again when I see the cabbie leering at me and Kim.
Trevor and Blake puff out their chests and the cabbie laughs, but takes the hint. The cabbie goes through rows of traffic lights before he pulls over to a curb that’s on a street full of bars with multiple neon signs, “here’s the strip,” he looks over the seat and waits for his money. Blake pulls out a ten and we exit the cab taking it all in.
Both sides of the street are rows and rows of neon bars. Some with clever names others with names you’d expect a bar to be called. Trevor lets out a low whistle that Blake mimics. Kim squeals and I just take it all in. Trevor walks up to me eyeing me, “you okay? You’re kind of quiet.”
I give him a half smile, “I’m good.” I look at my feet and admire Kim’s velvety royal blue pumps; she swears that they go with my devil red dress.
Kim throws an arm around my shoulder, “boy wonder dumped her,” I look up and shoot Kim a glare. Blake’s eyes widen and Trevor demands to know why.
I just shrug, “I don’t know, I couldn’t get him to answer his phone,” I groan, “Can we please not do this?”
Trevor doesn’t look too happy, but he drops it. Kim winks at me and gives me a shit-eating grin. I think she’s going to say something snarky but instead she just points at a pink bar in front of us, “let’s start up top and work our way down.”
We enter the bar with no trouble and it’s just as purple hair said, practically empty save a few fellow rebels sneaking into the bar. They’ve already got the party started and salute us with a drink in the air. The bars not exactly the glamorous scene I thought it’d be. Spilled drinks and trash litter the floor, the rooms a clouded haze with a stale odor hanging in the air. The music is blaring so loud you have to scream to carry a conversation and I can feel my temples start to ache. There’s an annoying DJ cracking lame jokes like he’s a real hipster in between songs. Kim and I exchange a glance. The four of us walk up to the bar. I hop on the stool when the bar tender smiles at me, “what are you having?”
I look at up at him, “what’s good?” I really hoped I sounded legit because I didn’t know what drinks were called. I’ve watched enough sex and the city to where I should know at least one drink, but none were coming to my mind right now.
The bartender taps his chin and his dimples melt, “tequila sunrise.” I shrug and five minutes later I’ve got an orange drink in my hand. “One dollar.” I go to pay when Blake slaps two dollars on the bar.
The bartender takes his money, “What’ll be friend?”
Blake takes a sip of my drink before I even have a chance to try it myself, “one of these.” The bartender nods and fixes Blake a drink.
Blake takes a seat next to me and we throw our drinks back in silence. I try to take it slow and planned on sipping it, but it was so good I’d finished it before I knew it. Without asking the bartender sets another drink in front of me. I go to pay and he shakes his head. I look over at Blake and he had another one in front of him, “did you buy me another one?”
Blake shakes his head, “the bartender gave us what was left over for free.”
I smile at the bartender who is across the bar tending to other people, “that was nice.”
“It helps that you’re gorgeous.”
I look down at my cup and don’t say anything. I mean it’s nice to hear, but it kind of sucks because he has a girlfriend, “so is Kammie.” I mumble.
Blake opens his mouth and says something but it’s all lost to me because Kim snatches my cup and takes a drink, “yuuum!” Trevor takes it out of her hands, takes a sip and nods. Then Kim shoves her drink to my mouth and I take a sip, “sex on the beach!” she raises her fingers to her mouth and kisses them, “yuuum.”
I scrunch up my nose, “I like mine better.” I throw mine back and finish it in one gulp. Kim pulls me off of the stool and Trevor takes my spot.
“Let’s dance!” I explain to her I haven’t had enough in me yet to get me to dance mode. So we stand between the boys; Kim next to Trevor and me next to Blake continuing to order a couple more rounds.
Four bathroom breaks later, and I’ve lost count after six cups of wonderful downed and the music doesn’t seem so loud anymore. In fact I love it, it sounds like it’s wrapped in a bubble of pink bows like a gift to my ears. I tell this to Kim and she laughs. We make our way to the dance floor and tear it up. I sway my hips and bob my head and I feel like a goddess. The music is wonderful and it ripples all through my body and rumbles in my chest, I look up at the ceiling and do a back bend for no reason at all except it feels freeing and I love how the dust falling from the light looks like glitter dropping out of the sky. I watch it flutter and fall as I bring myself back up to find Kim on the ground sprawled out like she’s making a snow angel.
Trevor and Blake make their way over to us. Trevor lifts her off the floor and she crashes in his arms pulling his face to hers. I look away
and give them their moment; my eyes go to the only place they want to go; roaming all over Blake. From head to toe he’s perfect. Every girl in the room’s got their eyes on him; the object of male perfection. I stand in the middle of the floor staring at him. And he’s staring at me. People are dancing all around me; swaying to the music, spilling drinks all over the place but he’s all I see. All I feel. Young; free and wild; I feel it tonight. It’s electric; the possibilities sizzle all around me. I place a hand on my hip, narrowing my eyes I cloak myself in smugness. I raise my chin in the air and I beckon him to me, all with the magic of ancient body language, the language of lovers.
He raises a brow and like a moth to a flame I draw him in until he’s only a breath away. The music slows to a hunting melody, I sway my hips into his and at first he just stands there while my body flutters around him in a circle and then it wraps around him in a trance. His hips start to sway, my arms graze his body like a snake in the water, I glide over the surface of his chest; skim his stomach and feel his muscles flinch and ripple under my feathery touch.
I weave my arms and legs through his and we’re a beautiful tangled mess. It’s electric in here tonight, sweaty bodies are moving on the floor dancing all around us; staggering in the spilled drinks, but I don’t care. My eyes are honed on Blake and it’s as if there’s no one else in the room. Cliché and classic. Blake dips his head low and rests his head on top of mine. His hands find my hips. I bite my bottom lip and gently rub it across his shoulder; it’s all velvet on rock. I love how it feels to drag my lips across his chest; it’d feel better if he didn’t have a shirt on. Lipstick streaks his jacket and I stare at the red stain. I smirk; I want to leave my mark on Blake, I can’t deny the joy that bubbles inside me at the thought.
The music stops, but we’re still a tangled web of arms and legs; airtight snug to each other, you can’t put a sliver of paper between us. People disperse around us, some stumble into our backs but we stay in place, “Woah, you guys are close.” Kim comments to my right.
We remain in place looking into each other’s eyes, “guess it’s a good thing he dumped that slut.” Kim slaps a hand over her mouth, “I’m working on forgiving her but sometimes it just comes out,” she throws her hands in the air and then spins and tackles Trevor with a hug.
Blake licks his lips and goes to say something but after a few more people stumble into our backs we untangle ourselves and decide to go to the bar for more drinks. I have a hard time getting on a stool, after four times slipping off the stool Blake picks me up and places me on the seat, he keeps his arm draped around my body for support. Kim doesn’t even try to sit down, Trevor sits next to me and she stands between his legs with her elbows propped on the bar, sipping on her drink through a straw.
My eyes feel a little heavy so I flutter them closed and I kind of use Blake’s arm as a rest and relax, completely leaning on him. If I’m heavy he doesn’t let it show, “looks like it’s someone’s bed time.”
I open my eyes and find the bartender in front of me. I crack a lazy grin and sit back up. Kim leans on me and I’d fall in the floor if it wasn’t for Blake keeping me upright, “shot time!” She’s got a sloppy grin on her face and her body looks all fuzzy and out of focus.
The bar tender places shots in front of us and this time Trevor pays. The four of us hold our shots in the air; arms wavering like flickering flames we all take our turns eyeing each other before we throw back our shots. I screw up my face and feel the burn slide from my throat to my stomach. Kim coughs a little before she burps and then she slaps my shoulder. She tells the bartender two more shots each. He chuckles, but he complies. So the four of us stare down the shots before us; Kim does a countdown and we drink them back to back.
Blake rests his chin on the top of my head. I close my eyes and relax in his arms. I listen to Kim talking to Trevor about what she wants out of life and he’ll make a comment here and there. Kim slaps my shoulder, “let’s get out of here.”
My eyes snap open and when I go to stand my legs turn to wet noodles. My body starts to collapse but Blake pulls me to him, I smile at him and wrap my arms around his neck and kind of hang there. Blake scoops me up in his arms and I snuggle up to his chest. There’s several cabs waiting outside; we pick one and get in. We’re all amped up like speakers at a rock concert—we don’t know how to turn it down. Kim starts belting out a song and the three of us sing along with her at the top of our lungs. The cabbie is cussing under his breath, but we don’t care because in this moment we are alive and free; and we feel like there’s nothing that can stop us. After we’re dropped off, we’re stopped by our tour guide before we can make it into the dorms.
She shoves a hand into Trevor’s chest, “hell no!” we all look at her like she’s speaking a foreign language. She rolls her eyes up to the heavens, “you can’t be rollin’ up in the dorms like this,” she’s shaking her head, “unbelievable,” she sighs, “come on bitches you’re going up the fire escape.”
Kim claps her hands and we all start talking again. The tour guild clenches her fists and stiffens; she turns on her heels and faces us, “be quiet!” Kim makes a face and shooshes us. We follow the tour guide around the building and head to a fire escape. She whips out her phone and is texting someone furiously. We follow her up the rickety steps; it wavers and bounces under our weight, but we keep going up the stairs. She stops at the door and gives it three knocks. The door swings open and we hustle in after. She turns to us narrowing her eyes, “there’s probably mingle parties in the dorms. Keep it down or I’ll make you regret this trip,” then she smiles and leaves us in the booming hallway. There’s music pulsing through the walls in all directions. You can hear a mixture of faint laughter and cries all around us.
Trevor asks if anyone wants to keep partying, Kim jumps up and down in reply while I stay propped on a wall. Blake wraps his arms around me when I start to slide like water on glass, “I can’t feel my teeth,” I groan.
Blake and Trevor exchange looks, “I’ll take her back to the room, you and Kim can keep it going.” Trevor nods and knocks on a nearby door. Blake scoops me in his arms and carries me down a flight of stairs and doesn’t put me down until he deposits me on my bed, “I’ve got to go take a leak,” he moves to his dresser and grabs a large shirt, “you can change your clothes and I’ll knock before I come in okay?”
I look up at him from the bed and bite the bottom of my lip. The lights shining down his face; outlining the angles of his jaw; chills radiate up and down my spine; heat curls its fingers in the pit of my stomach. I hold my hands out to him. He’s at the door with his hand on the door knob; he cocks his head to the side and looks at me as if trying to figure out what I want. I need to figure out what I want—no I know what I want. I want to be back in his arms. I want to kiss his face. He takes a step towards me, unsure. I smile up at him and he starts walking until he is directly in front of me. I pat the space next to me and he complies. He’s looking at me so intensely; I could taste it on my tongue.
I give him a hug and he rubs his hands through my hair, “are you sick?” he whispers.
I smile and shake my head. He didn’t understand what I wanted from him. I didn’t understand what I wanted from him. I think more than anything I did know what I wanted from him, but I was scared; scared and I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because I was only fifteen or maybe it was because I was drunk, but I was so confused. I was hurt that Evan dumped me, I mean he felt like the sure thing; safe thing. And Blake, Blake I knew was trouble. I knew he would break my heart and leave me breathless. I knew he was my distraction, that he wasn’t meant for me, but he was so pretty and wild and I didn’t give a damn if he was mine or not, I wanted to kiss him anyway. My fingers ached to touch him now; I don’t understand how he can make me so crazy. We’re so close; but so far it’s a hard thing to explain, and even more difficult to feel.
I lift my head from his shoulders so I can see his face. Our eyes lock and I hold my breath, “I just want you here.??
? I breathe. I lick my teeth, and I still can’t feel them. There’s a numbness welling in my chest followed by tingles running up and down my body.
He blinks and smiles, “yeah.” He says.
I laugh a little to give me something to do because I’m so nervous. I lean a little closer, he does too. Our eyes close and our lips collide. I feel starbursts behind my eyes; my heart races faster and faster in my chest. His hands find my hips and he slams me in his lap. I curl my fingers in his hair and split his lips with my tongue. We break for air and look at each other.
I feel like one kiss is never enough, it’s going to be the death of me. One kiss can make a heart burst into flames; can make you insane. Three heartbeats later and my mouth finds his again. The kiss deepens and just when I feel like I can’t take it anymore, someone pounds on the door. At first we ignore it, but then the fists on the door persist. We rip our lips apart, both of us panting and pissed that it all had to end, “coming!” Blake growls.
He looks at me before he opens the door and there’s no need for either of us to say it. We knew that kiss would end; had to end because I wasn’t ready to go that far. Blake opens the door to find some random people asking if we had any booze. Blake tells them no and waits for them to leave before he turns to me and says, “I need to pee still,” he tosses the shirt on my bed, “change into your bed clothes,” then he leaves the room.
I take the blue shirt in my hand and smell it like a freak. It smells like downy fresh and yummy. There’s a lame logo on the front in white writing that reads babe patrol orange beach I roll my eyes and slip out of Kim’s dress and into the shirt. I dig in my bag and find a pair of lounge shorts and slip them on. I jump out of my skin when Kim bursts through the room with Trevor hot on her heels.
I raise a hand to my chest, “What are you doing?”
Kim shoves my phone in my face, “your phone’s been blowing up forever.”
Trevor nods, “and we may or may not have read some texts.”
Blake shimmies his way through the door and asks what’s up. “Lexi’s phone has been blowing up in our room.” Trevor says.
Blake’s eyes drop to the phone in my hands and looks like he might be sick. We all know it has to be Evan that’s been calling or texting. Afraid to look at my phone I just keep looking at Blake. He has his hands on his hips and I can’t look away from him. I’m scared to look at the phone, because when I do I’ll have a decision or two to make and I can’t face that now. Blake flares out his nose, “well you better see to your phone.”
I swallow a lump in my throat and look down. There’s multiple missed phone calls and texts from Evan. My hand shakes, but I open a few of the texts I don’t think my text came out right. I reread it a hundred times and what I meant by I can’t do this is I don’t want to break up…Lexi???? hey talk to me…you’re the best thing that ever happened to me… My thumb wavers over the phone and I don’t have to scroll anymore, I know what they’ll say. Tears well in my eyes and I’m at a loss for words.
“I’m tired see you two tomorrow.” Blake nods his head to the door and waits for Trevor and Kim to leave. Kim looks at me and I just fold my hands in my lap. Kim turns and walks to the door with Trevor on her heels. “Lexi,” I look up at him; eyes lit with hope and pray that he will say something to fix it all, “you better go,” he clenches his fists, “I’d hate for Evan to get his feelings hurt.” There’s a definite bite to his voice; a finality, an end. He was breaking my heart, I’ve never been so helpless and useless as I was now. His attitude was the final nail in the coffin though. It was like he accepted our fate and didn’t care enough to work it out. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere, he goes and makes me come unglued, makes me feel like I’m not enough because he didn’t even fight for us-he just gave up.
I shouldn’t be hurt, I should be thankful he was letting me go now before it got too deep. It was always a game of cat and mouse with him, desperation and running out of time. I should be thankful, and I shouldn’t be so upset. But I’m a sucker for a good game, even one that’s devastating to lose. And I was only kidding myself if I said I didn’t want to be with him, because I do. Not that it matters or changes a damn thing.
My eyes burn into his, he’s sitting on the bed, with a look of indifference on his chiseled face. His hair’s a mess and his eyes are that lovely shade of storm; not blue, but yet not quite gray, they’re just the perfect mixture of a stormy sky. I search his eyes and silently plead him to take it all back, for him to tell me he was crazy out of his head for almost letting me go. He opens his mouth, my heart swells in my chest, because I think he’s going to save us, but then it just deflates when he says. “I’m beat do you think you could hurry it up?” His words feel icy in my veins, and I can still feel the sting of their bite when I replay them in my mind.
I get up and walk out the door and don’t look back. It’s not until I am in the room with Kim that I realize Trevor stayed behind, “I guess he needed to be with his buddy,” I mumble, then slide to the floor and slam my head into the wall. “He didn’t try,” was all I said and the tears start to fall, they slide off of my face and splash on my arm.
Kim slumps on her bed and sighs, but she doesn’t say anything, she just sits there. I have so many emotions rumbling through my chest; the confusion is so thick I can’t breathe, instead I just wallow in my misery. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in the floor when my phone lights up, my heart pummels my chest. Evan is calling me again. I take a death breath and with a shaky hand I raise it to my ear, “hey,” I say softly.
“Lexi! Please don’t break up with me,” he starts off and before I can let this go any further, I have to tell him about tonight. I have to tell him about how I feel, about my confusion.
And I do. It’s not easy at first, but then once I open my mouth and say the words that I fear it gets easier, and the load on my heart gets a little lighter. I tell him how I am attracted to Blake and how I feel something for him but I don’t know what. I tell him how I’m also attracted to him and I definitely feel something for him. I tell him that I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me or why I am such a bad person; why something so easy was becoming something so hard. And I told him I wanted to do the right thing and I didn’t know what that was. But more importantly I told him something that I found to be very true and I didn’t know how strongly I felt it until I said it, “I don’t want to lose you.” My voice cracks under the duress of the pressure balled in my chest.
He listened in silence, and when he spoke my heart ached because I could hear the pain in his voice from his cracked words and strained whisper, “well this is difficult for me to hear,” he sighs, “but I promised you I would do whatever I could to make you happy,” and I believed this with all my heart. One tear falls, “I could give you your space and let you figure out what you need to do,” I close my eyes and bite my lip, “or we could just end this now,” his voice breaks and his struggle makes my stomach burn from shame. Two tears fall, “or we could stay together and work through this.”
There’s silence on both ends of the phone and then he continues, “I don’t want this to end, but that’d be selfish to only have you in this for me,” three tears fall and I can’t catch my breath, “so please only stay in this if it’s what you want,” his voice gets a little firmer and I grip the phone so tight my knuckles turn white, “I want you to be with me I really do and if you stay with me I’ll work twice as hard and really focus on making things right.”
And that last statement struck a nerve in me. It wasn’t Evan’s fault that we were going through this, but mine. I mean he didn’t do anything wrong, and he always tried to make sure I was happy, “but you didn’t do anything.” I say.
Evan takes in a breath, I close my eyes and picture his face, “look, I know Blake’s a good guy and he’d be good to you,” I frown in confusion, “I’m not going to lie to you and say nobody’s going to be able to treat you like I can,” I smile a little at him, “I just don’t wan
t to get hurt,” he laughs, “too late for that, but what I’m trying to say is if you’re going to be with me. Be with me,” he’s starting to get a little frustrated now, but I don’t say a word because I deserve it, “I mean it. Don’t string me along, don’t go back and forth between the two of us. Make your choice.”
I rub my face, “what do you want?”
Evan laughs and I cringe at the sound because there’s no happiness to it, “I already told you. I don’t want to get hurt, I want you to choose who you want.”
“I get that but what do you want?”
“You.”
I look at Kim. She’s made her way next to me and we have the phone between our ears, she’s heard the entire conversation and I’m amazed that she’s been so quiet and hasn’t given us away, “I think I owe it to us to make it work,” I shrug, “I mean Blake like wants to go to Texas.”
Evan grumbles, “don’t let that be the reason, you stay with me.”
I agree he has a point, but I kind of want things to work out with me and Evan. I believe him when he says he wants to make me happy, he wants to be a better person, he wants to work through things. And that’s the kind the of person I wanted to be with, someone who was going to stand by me and work together so we could face the hard times, “no I want to work together as a team.” I say.
There’s a long gap of silence and then I hear a yawn on the other end, “I needed to hear that,” two heartbeats later and he whispers, “I miss you.”
I close my eyes, “I miss you too,” and I truly mean it. Two minutes later and we get off of the phone.
Kim gives me the side glance, “I hope you don’t break his heart,” I glare at her and she shrugs, “he’s a good person,” she throws an arm over my shoulder, “and you are too,” she gives me a hug, “you’re nothing like Kammie,” I look at her and she nods, “you’re a good person you could have lied but you were completely honest with him about being confused about Blake and everything,” she hugs me again, “that’s why I want to stay friends.”
I shake my head and laugh at Kim, “you’re a mess,” the two of us struggle to get to bed but we somehow manage. The rest of the trip wasn’t terribly awkward, well yeah actually it was. Blake and I both avoided each other like the plague, and Trevor stayed in a pissy mood because I kind of ruined his chance at rekindling a flame with Kim.