Chapter 18
My phone was relentless with the buzzing in my ear. I groan and shut the alarm off. I put a hand to my head and regretted opening my eyes. I had an intense headache. Crying yourself to sleep felt a lot like a freaking hangover. Kammie was groaning next to me, now her headache actually was from a hangover. I don’t know why, but I actually felt a bit of happiness at her pain. Smiling smugly to myself I rolled over top of her so I could hop in the shower. I just flushed the toilet when Kammie and Kim bust through the door, “why are you up so early?” Kim asks looking like she’s going to kill someone.
I yawn, “I’m going to church with Evan,” I step in the shower and close the curtain behind me. I rip off my clothes and throw them over the shower. I don’t have to look to know that Kammie is sitting on the toilet like we always did to keep each other company while showering.
Kim is probably sitting on top of the sink, “so,” she says overtop of the noise of the shower, “want to talk about last night?”
I close my eyes and let the hot water wash all over me, “I’d rather not,” I say because I really didn’t want to think about what I had to do today.
“But you better,” Kammie pipes up. I hear Kim tell her to shut up and that she’s lost her spot as bestie and has to re-earn it.
I smile at the two bickering, “Well, let’s see Blake showed up at my window and,” I pause thinking of Kammie, “eh Kammie is this weird for you?”
“No, we had an agreement,” she pauses to think of how to word it, “he promised me he’d take me to formal so I wouldn’t have to go alone.”
I frown but shrug and lather up my hair, “so he’s at your window,” Kim prompts.
I nod, “yeah and I meet him in the woods,” Kammie makes an inappropriate comment, “he tells me he is leaving for Texas and then he hands me a letter and tells me I can’t read it until he leaves.”
“Ew,” Kammie coos, “When does he leave again?”
I sigh, “today,”
“Wonder why he’s doing all this?” Kammie thinks aloud.
I rinse my hair and cut the water. I stick my hand out for someone to hand me a towel, I wrap it around my body and step out of the shower, “I’ve no idea, why he messes with my head like this.”
I smile to myself when I see Kim is sitting in the sink, “where does that leave you and Evan?” she asks me.
My smile fades and I shrug, “I don’t know.” I lie, I know exactly where it leaves us, but I’m not ready to say it aloud yet.
Kim shoots me a glare, “did you learn nothing from Trevor’s mistake,” she glares at Kammie and Kammie sticks her tongue out at her.
I brush past the two and pick out a suitable dress, “so you think I should break up with Evan?”I ask to test the waters, even though I know it’s what I have to do. It’d be wrong to string him along and just be with him because I didn’t want to lose him from my life. He was someone special to me, and I was scared that breaking up with him would mean he’d never have anything to do with me again.
Kim and to my surprise Kammie nods, “I mean you obviously have feelings for Blake.” Kim says.
I step into my closet and change into the dress, “but Blake is leaving,” I look at Kim and she rolls her eyes.
“That’s irrelevant. You shouldn’t be with Evan if you have feelings for someone else.”
Kammie pushes me down on my bed and starts to braid my hair, “okay.” I say softly.
Kim and Kammie decided to go to church with me and Evan. I sat in the pew looking up at the preacher listening to him speak. He was funny and to my surprise I didn’t get bored. He would talk about things that I didn’t understand, but then he would also relate it to the real world and then I think I got what he was saying. I was lost in the sermon when he mentioned something about being honest and true even when no one was around. He said the person who we really are was who we were when no one was around. I folded my hands in my lap and stared at my fingers. It was just hours ago that I was sobbing over Blake and begging him to stay with me; hours ago when poor Evan left me home thinking I was going straight to bed. I deceived him. I didn’t plan for Blake to come over after Evan left, but it still happened and I hadn’t told him about it yet. Shame burned my face with a flush and a tear welling in my eyes. I continued to listen as the preacher spoke about how it was never too late to make yourself new and to do what’s right. How we all stumbled and fell and had our own personal struggles but it was a blessing that we were weak because then we could turn to Jesus in our hour of struggle and he would give us strength.
I glance at Kammie and see that she has tears streaking her face, my heart breaks and I want my best friend back. I want to throw away our differences and just forget about them. I want to fill this gap between us with giggles and make-up, I want to put it all behind us. I look at Kim and she’s staring at the preacher biting her lip. Then I look at Evan and I want his forgiveness, but I also want his guidance. If he tells me to stay with him then I will. I want to be saved, and I want to be good. I close my eyes and beg, beg with all I have in me to make things right. The service comes to an end all too soon.
When I stand, Kammie grabs me in a hug, “I’m sorry,” and before she can think better of it she squeezes Kim, “I’m so sorry,” she laughs at Kim’s face, “I figured if I did this in church I was safe.” The three of us laugh.
Once at my house, Kim and Kammie give me a hug and Kim offers to take Kammie home. I stay in Evan’s car, “Evan, I…” I turn to face him, my hands tremble in my lap. “I need to talk to you,” I shake my head, “And I don’t know how to do it.”
Evan takes my hands in his, “what?”
I take a shaky breath and look him in the eyes because it’s what he deserves, “I don’t know what to do,” he waits for me to continue so I do, “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, “but I have feelings for Blake,” He rips his hands out of mine and puffs out his chest, “I don’t know how it happened, but I met him first and well then I met you at the party and—”
“Did you cheat on me?” His face is flushed and he looks like he’s about to punch something.
My heart races, because I’ve never seen him like this, “no,” I shake my head, “no, I just don’t think it feels right staying with you while I have feelings for him.”
“Do you feel anything for me?” he searches my eyes.
“Yes,” I nod. Because I do. I feel torn. I’m afraid of losing him too, because I do care for him, and he does mean something to me but…but I just don’t feel something that I should feel. Like a kiss with Evan is enough, I mean I think he’s cute, but that’s about it. He doesn’t make me weak in the knees; he doesn’t make me tingle from head to toe. With him I don’t feel anything deep; it’s all just shallow and within reach. What I feel for Blake isn’t something I could just search and find or even define, it was just this deep underlying current within my body that only he had control over. But then I realize this isn’t about Blake, this is about Evan. I do have a deep connection with him, but it’s not the same. It’s not what it should be I guess. I’m shocked when I know that I love him without a shadow of a doubt, but it’s the same type of love I have for Trevor.
Evan’s looking at me with tears in his eyes. He leans his head against the car door and stares at me. The tears pool at the brim of his eyes threatening to spill over, but they don’t fall, “where does that leave us? Are you staying with me?”
I close my eyes, “I was hoping you could tell me what to do,” I say foolishly.
He shakes his head, “this is on you,” he looks at me and tightens his jaw, “You know what I want, but I’m never going to be that selfish,” he purses his lips, “I want you to be happy and most of all I want you to tell me if you’re going to stay devoted to me,” his voice cracks, “and if you say it, mean it,” and then he whispers again, “please mean it,” one tear falls down his face.
And in this moment I love him too much to not give him what he deserves, “I’m letting you go,??
? I say, at that two tears fall from his face. My stomach burns in a tight knot, I feel like someone’s knocked the hell out of me, I’m all winded and breathless. We both sit in his car crying, blanketed in thick silence and regret. I’ll never regret being with him, never. If only for a brief moment in time, I knew we were meant to be together, why it couldn’t last and why we couldn’t be meant for each other forever I’ll never know. But what I do know is that I love him very much, and I always would. They say all relationships expire or transpire, whither or grow over time. Everything always came down to time, in time I knew Evan would forgive me, but I didn’t know if he’d grow to love me as I had him, or if he’d drift away only for the two of us to become acquaintances. A hole was forming in my chest, the emptiness from his loss was already ebbing its fingers in my heart. I was out of time; I could feel it like I could feel the crush of goodbye heavy against my chest as if it were solid as a rock.
I know it’s now or never, I need to get out. If I linger, I’m not sure I’ll make the right choice. If I stay I might look into his eyes, and if I look into those brown eyes I might get lost, and if I get lost I know I won’t walk away. Not when I see the pain etched in the depths, pain that I caused. A lump forms in my throat, one day someone else is going to look into those brown eyes, and they’re going to fall head over heels in love with him. I choke on a sob, when I know that someone won’t be me. I take a deep breath, it’s now or never. It’s got to be now, my hand trembles on the door handle. My hand lingers a little longer, because I know when I open the door that this is goodbye, and this could be the last time we speak. There’s so many things I want to tell him, I want to tell him how special he is, how much he means to me, and how much I need him and don’t want to lose him. But I don’t say any of those things; instead I say nothing at all.
After a minute I make myself get out of his car and I don’t look back. I close the door and I don’t watch him leave, I go straight to my room and I slide to the floor and cry. I stare at the pillow on my bed. My heart picks up a beat, I’m scared to read Blake’s words. I’m scared my heart’s going to break even more than it already has. My hands get slick with sweat, I make myself get up from the floor and I pull the letter from the pillowcase.
I walk over to my desk and sit down. I look out the window and take a few steadying breaths. I’m too scared to see what’s in the letter, I know it’s ridiculous, but it’s the truth. I take three more breaths and with shaky hands I unfold the paper.
Lexi,
I remember the first time I saw you, you had a smile that made me burn, I was blown away. It was the first day of school, you were giving Trevor a hug, I wanted to punch his face. Then I found out you were the baby cousin he warned us all away from, so I thought I’d play it cool and treat you like one of the guys. Then Evan came into the picture, and it drove me crazy that he could do what I couldn’t…he stepped up and went for what he wanted. The drunker I got, the more pissed I got. I felt out of control, like all of this could have been avoided if I just stepped up myself. Then I decided I had enough and I told you everything, one thing led to another and we kissed. And when we did, my fate was sealed. There was no going back, there’s something in your kiss that makes me lose my mind. Then the next day you couldn’t remember, and I knew deep down that you’d be better off with Evan. He’s a great guy. He’ll do right by you. You’re safe with him, safer than you’d ever be with me. I’ll never forget the way you looked at formal, you were golden like a goddess, your image smolders in my heart, you were freaking Aphrodite. I saw you standing under the lights, you were gorgeous, I was making my way over to you. I decided I was going to lay it all on the line, tell you how I felt, how we should be together. Then I saw you with Evan, I saw the way he looked at you, the way he held you. And I know you’ll always be safe with him, he’s a good person. The two of you look like you belong together. I’ve always been the type of person that gets bored easily, I usually like the chase. A lot of things are pulling me to Texas…the adventure of the unknown, there’s a lot of shit to do there, and it’ll get me away from you. In case you haven’t figured it out, you’re my temptress. You’ve crushed me in your hands, made me useless and senseless, and I can’t help but wonder if the burn from your kiss will ever fade from my lips. I’m going to say it, I shouldn’t say it, but I’m going to say it. I love you, and I probably always will,
Blake
Tears flood my face, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to close my eyes, it freaking hurts to open my eyes. I don’t know what to do, what to feel. There’s a heaviness in my chest. I crumple his letter in a ball and throw it where it rolls onto the floor in a heap. I scream until my throats raw, I stand up and throw my chair not giving a damn if I’m acting crazy. It hurts to stand still, because if I’m standing still then my mind has to break down and process his words and right now I can’t; I just can’t. So I keep moving. I walk around my room slamming stuff around. Trevor rips my door open and I let out a guttural cry. Trevor is staring at me like I’ve lost my mind and I don’t care maybe I have. I look in the mirror and I look a mess. My hair is coming undone; hell I’m coming undone, my face is streaked with snot and tears. With my chest heaving, I glare at him, “Did you know?”
Trevor looks at me confused, “what?” he edges closer to me, carefully like he’s approaching a wild animal.
“About Blake Trev,” my breath starts to slow and I really look at him so I can read his face, “about how he felt about me?”
Trevor stops when he’s directly in front of me, “yeah I knew.”
I raise my eyebrows at him and throw my hands in the air, “what? Why would you do that, why would you not freaking tell me?”
Trevor makes a face, “it was complicated! He didn’t tell me how he felt about you until after the back to school party and by that time Kammie had claimed him and you and Evan were an item so I mean you tell me what was I suppose to do?”
I close my eyes to hold back tears, “you should have told me,” I breathe, unable to cope with the near-miss, the what-if, and the if only of it all. My chest was raw and heavy and I couldn’t think about it, I couldn’t. Because if I did think about how we could have been together, how he was just enough out of my reach, but not really, but just enough to make me think a relationship with him was impossible, it made me furious and out of control. It made me want to crack some skulls, curse the wind, and curl into a ball and weep until I was nothing.
Trevor shakes his head, “well whatever, he also begged me to not tell you because he thought he wasn’t good enough for you.”
I laugh, “Don’t you think I should be the judge of that? And why? That doesn’t even make sense.” I say. But his reason doesn’t matter, it won’t change how things panned out or how much of a bitch life could be.
Trevor rubs a hand over his face, “It does if you knew him,” I open my mouth to beg him to tell me so I could understand. I needed to understand but Trevor shakes his head and pulls me into his chest. And in this moment I lose all resolve, I can’t hold back another tear. My body erupts into sobs and I just let all these tears fall, “I swear I’ll kick his ass when I see him again for hurting you like this.”
I don’t even laugh. I just keep crying and focus on breathing. Anything else requires too much effort and causes too much pain. I stay like that for a while, until I cry my body dry. I pull away from Trev’s chest and see his shirt is soaked from a mix of snot and tears. I look around the floor and stare at the crumpled paper, I pick it off the floor, smooth it out and place it in my pillowcase. I stare out the window where just hours before I looked down at Blake’s face.
My chest feels heavy and breathing is cumbersome; I look at the pillowcase and some of his words haunt my mind; I feel my heart crack until it breaks. I look at Trev, he’s standing there watching me unsure of what to do. I shrug and turn back to the window. He asks me if I’m alright. I give a small nod and tell him to leave me alone. The door shuts and all I can do is keep looking out the window. I don
’t think about Blake. I don’t think about Evan. I don’t think about anything that makes me feel too much. I close my eyes and just breathe. Because it’s all I can do. One day I’ll look back at this and it’ll be a distant memory, or maybe I’ll forget it all together and not remember it at all.
But until that beloved day, I’m going to build walls around me; cottony and soft to the touch so I won’t feel threatened by the fall. I turn from the window, picking up my phone I shoot Kim and Kammie a text okay girls let’s get dangerous. Let’s be bullet proof. Within seconds my phone lights up with a message from Kim. Um what?. I smile and shake my head I don’t want another broken heart so let’s make a pact to stick together and fight this terrible sickness. Kim responds with I don’t understand. I go to explain but Kammie beats me to it I totally get it! It’s a pact to never fall in love! Kim texts a frowny face and adds seriously? I am in a group text with her? Kammie pings back Oh you know you love me, just forgive me already, I am terribly sorry for what I’ve done and I won’t ever do it again. I smile at our little conversation and decide it was time for me to join the conversation yeah I guess that’s what I mean. Let’s never fall in love. It only takes two seconds for a response from them both. Kammie I’m in. Kim I was already there.
I get up and place my phone on the dock and finger through my music and hit play when I find an Ozzy song. I crank up the music and sing at the top of my lungs. Trevor rips open the door and laughs when he sees me dancing and singing on my bed. I shoot him a look and he shakes his head before he leaps on my bed to join me. We both jump and sing like two people who don’t have broken hearts, it might not be true, but we do it anyways. Trevor is going hard and playing an air guitar when my bed collapses. We both slam into each other and he catches me before I fall to the floor and cradles me to his chest. We stop singing and look at each other. At first we don’t do anything because we’re too shocked. But then I bust out laughing and he has no choice but to laugh with me. And it’s in the midst of our laughing that it hits me, I’m laughing even while I’m broken. There’s a lightness in my chest, and though the sadness is still there I’m going to be okay, I just need to surround myself with people who will always love and never give up on me. But more importantly I never need to give up on them.
Trevor’s chest is heaving and he gets quiet. I look at his face and into his eyes and I know. I know he’s in pain and he is lost in some memory of Kim. I squeeze him tight and I feel my sorrow ebb and flow through the cracks of my heart; fingering its way into all corners until it snuffs the rays of light out. This is life. You love and you lose; you open up and shut down. You grieve and grow; there is hope that one day this will all be a shattered memory that you can no longer feel; a pain you can no longer taste. And you live each day striving to get to that point, to where you can hear a name and not break; see a face and not feel weak with grief, or say someone’s name without grieving them like the dead.
I close my eyes and pull myself together. I get out of the floor and hold my hand out to Trevor. He shakes from his stupor and lifts himself up without giving my hand a thought. He pulls me into a hug, “What’s on the agenda for today?”he asks and I swallow the lump in my throat I get when I think about how the days of our summer are numbered. In just a couple of months he’ll be off to college, he won’t be just down the hall, but he’ll be miles away. We might drift apart, lose whatever it is that keeps us so close, he could stop thinking of me as a friend. He smiles at me like he always does, like he knows I’m one of the few solid things in his life. He could leave me behind for real, but he won’t. I know he won’t because we’re too close to let each other slip away.
I shrug, “Something crazy.”
I look up at him and with the devil’s grin on his face he nods, “hell yeah!” He shakes me by the shoulders and goes on and on about a list of crazy things he’s always wanted to do. I follow him into his room and only shudder once when he mentions cliff diving.
I don’t tell I think his ideas are super crazy, because I did ask for it. He’s powered up his laptop and searching for ideas and scoping out the specifics on things. I don’t say anything I just plop on his bed and look around his room. The walls are covered with random things, but mostly of him and Kim. I shake my head and feel sad for the both of us. Trevor is really excited popping off ideas of crazy things we’re going to do. His excitement makes me feel good, a lazy grin curls on my face and for whatever reason I know that everything’s going to be okay; I’m going to be okay. I’m not there yet, but I will be. And I won’t get to that point unless I can take Trevor with me, because when you love someone for real you never leave them behind.
Trevor slams his laptop shut and is grinning from ear to ear, “this is going to be epic,” he slaps my back, “you’re going to freak.”
I shake my head and focus on him, “why?”
He smiles with a wicked glint in his eye, “we’re spending the night in a haunted house.” He waggles his eyebrows, “Of course it’s all booked for now, but in the fall we’ll be able to go,” he bites his lip, “tonight I’m going to book us a night.”
I blink, “what are you talking about?” I watch him thumb through his phone lost in his own thoughts.
He makes a face and finally pulls his eyes from his phone, “Waverly,” I repeated what he said and he nodded, “yeah the old TB hospital. You can do investigating tours,” he smiles at me.
I bite the corner of my lip, “Well I said crazy,” then I see him frowning and give his arm a tug, “what’s wrong?”
“Well to book it over night we have to have at minimum of ten people.” He shrugs, “I’m sure we can find some people.”
I hear my phone ringing in my room and sigh, “I’ll be back while you iron out the wrinkles.” He nods and I run to my phone and see I got a couple of texts from the girls, and one missed call from Kim.
I hit the screen and call her back. She picks up on the first ring, “so I’ve been thinking about what we were talking about earlier and I think we should do something crazy,” I laugh and shake my head. “what’s so funny ?” she demands.
I roll my eyes when Trevor thunders in my room, “hey it’s like a hundred bucks a person,” I look at him but he’s looking at his phone, “I got to thinking maybe mom can invite some of her friends,” he looks at me and shakes his head, “I mean my best friend can’t be there,” he doesn’t have to finish because I already know he’s being considerate of my feelings. “And it’s not like Kim or Kammie would come.”
I jump when I hear a shriek in my ear, “I heard my name and what’s he talking about?”
I laugh, “we were talking about doing something crazy,” Kim goes silent and waits for me to go on so I do, “We were talking about going to Waverly.”
She squeals with excitement, “I want to go!”
I bite my lip and give Trev a look, he makes a face and shrugs at me wanting to know what I am doing, “well it’s over night and it’s a hundred bucks and we need ten people.”
The silence on the line is thick but then she clears her throat, “Is he going?”
“Yup,” I say.
“When are we doing it?”
I smile and noticed the we in there, “um Trev says it’s booked up until fall.”
She sounds frantic, “What if he’s met someone by then and I have to watch them cuddle?”
I close my eyes and want to scream at her. She obviously loves him and wants to be with him so she should. I want to tell her that but I don’t. I am so mad at her because she has a chance to be with the person she loves and I don’t and she’s just throwing it away on pride. If I ever got the chance to be with Blake like she does with Trevor I’d crush pride with my fist and leap into his arms in a second. But this isn’t my reality and this isn’t helping me build cotton walls, “I guess that’s a chance you’ll have to take if you decide to keep things as they are.” I know it was mean, but it is what it is. I think she is cutting her nose off to spite her face. Part of me doesn’t
blame her and the other part of me is throttling her for being so stubborn.
Kim sputters, “Well,” she says in a small voice, “I see.” I think that’s all she’s going to say because she gets quiet and a moment or two passes before she says, “I’m in.” I tell her bye and turn to Trev. I shoot Kammie a text telling her she’s going ghost hunting with us in the fall.
“Kim and Kammie are in,” Trevor raises his brows.
“You didn’t ask me if I was okay with that.” He says.
I feel a little guilty, but then I don’t because I just know the two of them belong together and it will happen when they’re both ready, “Deal with it.”
Trevor looks all kinds of evil, a wicked grin erupts from his face. He thumbs through his contacts and lifts his phone to his ear, “hey man,” he laughs at something and talks back and forth saying nothing big and then he breaks out, “Well this fall we’re going to Waverly for the night. It’s a hundred bucks,” Trev is silent and then he sighs, “just trust me you freak,” he looks at me and walks out of my room but I can still hear him, “she’ll be there, now don’t be acting like that I’m going to punch the fuck out of you when I see you again,” there’s a pause and more laughter, “you’re coming and that’s it. Oh and it’s sometime in the fall so I don’t know if our school’s schedules are going to match so you may miss class,” he laughs, “old habits die hard, okay,okay bye.”
He walks back into my room and shakes his phone at me, “Deal.” He winks and walks out of my room, and closes the door in my face. I stand there in shock. I couldn’t believe he did that, but I did do it to him. It was different, I mean he was going to get back with Kim. I could feel it just like I could feel the nose on my face. But me and Blake? I wasn’t so sure. I mean he went to a different state just to get away from me. Which is ignorant because all he had to do was be with me. Then something wild happened. I thought about things and I got mad. And then I felt a little overwhelmed because I was going to be face to face with Blake in a couple of months.
I raise a shaky hand to my forehead, what if he had a girlfriend? I just knew he was going to go to Texas and fall in love with a beautiful girl. He was so far away, and I was so hopelessly crushed by his absence. This is life. I’m on top of the world feeling wild and free one minute; and the next I feel broken and small. Smaller than the broken pieces of my heart; smaller than this aching in my chest. I take a deep breath and fall into my broken down bed. I close my eyes and I start to build those walls of cotton; velvety soft and safe for the tumble. I will make myself into a stony mountain; fierce and hard so no one can hurt me. And when I see Blake again my heart will be made of ice; a surface too slippery for love.
My body aches and my eyes are heavy from all the tears I’ve shed. I crawl into my bed, Melissa is going to be pissed, I sigh and close my eyes. Trevor sits on top of me, making a game of robbing me of my breath with the weight of his body crushing mine.
“We’re still doing something crazy today,” he says, I groan. “We’re booked for skydiving.” He says, I groan again. He gets off of me, only to rip me from the bed and drag me down the hall. “You can’t bitch out.” He says, I groan.
We’ve just buckled ourselves in the tracker and I already know this is going to be a summer I’ll never forget. Maybe my heart would mend by the fall, maybe it wouldn’t. Either way it didn’t look as if I was going to have an issue with staying distracted. Trevor hooks his phone into a stereo system he put in his tracker last summer, it looked like one that belonged in some fancy souped up sport’s car. He gives me the side eye and pushes play on a song. My mouth hangs open in disbelief when an old LeAnn Rimes song blasts through the speakers. I laugh hysterically when he starts to sing along, but only for a second because one of my favorite lines is coming up and I just have to sing along with him.
This is defiantly going to be a summer to remember for sure, it felt like it was going to be one of the best summers of my life, heart break and all. Things just didn’t seem so bad, not while the sun was shining down on our heads, not while I’m riding shotgun next to Trevor, not while we’re in his tracker with miles of road ahead of us leading to endless possibilities. Maybe I feel like this because I’m fifteen and everything’s a big deal, or maybe it’s because I can feel the weight of our last summer together as two careless teens. Sure, I’ll see Trevor his summers off from college and some in between, but it won’t be the same. I think he’s afraid of change too, because he looks like I feel—desperate and out of time. Pieces of our childhood flash through my mind at random, there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to go back. But you don’t think of things like that when you’re young, I didn’t think there’d be a day when I’d walk down the hall and see Trevor’s empty room, I should have known the day would come but it’s hard to think about stuff like that when he’s always been just an arm’s length away, ready to keep me safe.
Trevor dials down the music, “are you scared?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say, but I don’t mean the skydiving. Sure I’ll be scared shitless when the time comes for me to jump, but according to map quest I was still three hours from having to deal with that. Right now, I was more scared of Trevor going to college, and how hard it was going to be to adjust from him being gone.
Trevor laughs and pats my leg, “What’s there to be afraid of,” he rolls to a stop at a traffic light. “I’ll be there,” I nod. He looks at me, “I’ll always be there for you Lexi, always.” The light turns green and his eyes go back to the road. “Nothing will ever change that, not college, not girls, nothing.” He says, and he says it like me means it, and when he says something like he means it, I believe it.
I sniff, “it’s going to be rough,” my voice breaks a little from the sadness welling in my chest.
He sighs, “I know, we’ve never been separated before,” he gives a signal then takes an exit onto the interstate. “This is crazy, but it doesn’t even bother me that Blake’s going to school in Texas, I mean I’ll hardly see him—I may never see him again. And I should be sad, but I’m not really.” Trev laughs and shakes his head. “I’m more upset about not being able to hang out with you every day,” a sob catches in my throat and before I can stop it, it escapes. He sighs long and hard, “I was talking to mom the other night and I told her that I was really going to miss you, I told her what I just told you. She just laughed and told me she wasn’t one bit surprised, and now that I’ve thought about it, I’m not either.” I think he’s finished because he gets quiet and several minutes pass before he says, “You’re my best friend and always will be kid.” I laugh at that.
I wipe tears from my cheek, “I hope we don’t grow apart like a lot of people do.” I say.
“We won’t.” he says. “Because unlike a lot of people we already know what it’s like to be rejected by family,” he says. “Their rejection makes us hold on tighter to the things we don’t want to lose, we both know what it feels like to be forgotten and discarded, I could never do that to you.” He says.
“Me either,” I agree. I turn up the music and feel at ease. I think about what he said, then I think about a lot of things that’s happened over the last year. Things change whether you want them to or not, it doesn’t matter if you’re ready or willing, whatever’s going to happen will happen. I think about the hole Evan left in my heart, I wonder if he’ll learn to love me as a friend or if he’ll stay gone. I think about Kammie and how she drifted away only to come back. Maybe that could happen with Evan, or maybe it won’t. I think things are going to be okay with Kim and Kammie, I think they’re going to be close again, maybe even closer. I even think that Trevor and Kim will work through things and end up together; anyone can tell they’re made for each other. And like I said, he’s found a wild pretty thing that makes him not want to see what other wild and pretty things are out there.
I look at the sky, and think of a boy with a storm in his eyes, I think about how close we were, and how our near miss robs me of my breath. But then, I think about how
he was all cat and mouse, desperation and running out of time. I wonder why I never noticed that he only wanted me when I seemed out of reach. Weird pangs stir in my chest, I was still hurt that he was gone, but I was also relieved. I think about Trevor and his wild and pretty things, maybe he’s onto something there. I know he’s already found his match, but I knew I hadn’t. I was fifteen and a young fifteen at that, there’s no way I was ready for anything serious, not while I was young, wild, and free. I don’t think about the boy with the stormy eyes or the one with the eyes of velvet. Instead I think about all the wild and pretty things that I’ve yet to see, and how there’s one out for me, but my wild pretty thing will have to wait because I’m fifteen and I’ve got nothing but time.
Thank you for reading books on BookFrom.Net Share this book with friends