Chapter 17
Weeks pass and days turn into a blur. I decide I must’ve had a moment of weakness at the formal and just had a lapse of insanity. It’s graduation day and Melissa is all tears and smiles as she hugs and kisses Trevor for the millionth time, “I can’t believe you’re going to college.”
He rolls his eyes and shoves her away, “save it for home,” he winks and then pulls her into a hug, “kidding.” Melissa pulls away and dries her eyes, “thank God you decided on state.”
I nod holding my chest, “yes thankfully you aren’t leaving me here to fend for myself,” I shudder at the thought. I wave goodbye and head off to Evan’s car.
Trees whirl by and we’re both quiet until he speaks, “So I’ve been thinking.”
I look at him, “yeah?”
He sighs, “I would really like it if you came to church with me tomorrow.”
I thump my fingers on the door of the car and look up at the clouds as they roll by, “okay.” I say. He’s been asking me to go for weeks and I always had some lame excuse to give him. It’s not that I didn’t want to go, it’s just that I was scared to go. I was scared that I wasn’t good enough and I was afraid of the devil. I know it doesn’t make sense, but half the time I don’t make sense.
He gives me the side eye like he can’t believe I am agreeing to it, “seriously?”
I nod, “seriously.” And we don’t say anything else until we make it to my house.
There’s a ton of people already there celebrating graduation. I look around and can’t help but feel a little saddened at the idea of not seeing these people at school next year. A beach ball hits me in the face breaking me from my trance, “play with us,” Kim shouts from a make-shift volleyball net.
I run over and join the game giggling. When it starts to get dark, Blake and Trevor build a fire so we can roast weenies and marshmallows. Kim and I huddle before the fire talking about how exciting college is going to be, “promise me you’ll stay over every weekend?” she says.
I look up at her and wish in my heart of hearts that that could really happen, “I hope so,” I say.
And we look up at the moon glowing before us; shining down on us, “it’ll happen,” she whispers, “it’ll happen.”
Evan brings me a stick with a marshmallow on the end, I giddily take it from him and hold it over the flames. He laughs and talks about the future and my stomach starts to swim. He’s going on and on about how next year we’ll get our lockers next to each other…next year he’ll teach me to drive…next year he’ll help me study for this and that…my throat closes up, thick with panic, “wait what?” next year Trevor would be gone and he wouldn’t be here to do all those things. He wouldn’t teach me to drive, he wouldn’t help me study for the ACT, he wouldn’t be there. A tear falls from the corner of my eye. Kim would be at school making different friends, and she’d be too busy for a little high school girl.
Evan’s smiling and not seeing the conflict on my face, the slight panic in my voice, “yeah next year is going to be a big year. You’ll be a sophomore and I’ll be a senior,” he says.
“what?” I whisper softly. I hadn’t thought about Evan leaving too. I mean, I guess I should have thought about things I mean I knew he was a junior when I was a freshmen but I never really thought about what a future like that would mean. He would leave me too. It was all going to be messy.
Evan’s smiling at the flames and blowing ashes from his marshmallow, not really sensing the turmoil raging inside of me, “yeah next year is going to be a big year for you,” he puts an arm around me, “and I’ll be there,” he takes a bite of his treat. His smile fades when he looks at me.
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” he thumbs a tear from my cheek, I laugh softly at the sight of melted marshmallow strung between his teeth.
“There’s so many changes,” I sniff, “and I’m scared.” I look away from him and study the flames before me, “Trevor and Kim are gone. And then you’ll be gone. And then,” I don’t even finish the thought because it hurts too much.
Evan laughs and rubs my shoulders, “that does sound tragic,” he kisses my head, “but they’re not really gone,” I sniff and he laughs. Kim starts rubbing my back, she must have heard me. “Kim’s already told you she wants you to visit her on campus,” I don’t say anything, “which will make you less nervous when it’s your time to go,” he rubs his chin in my hair, “and as far as me you still got a whole year left and I don’t plan on going anywhere even then,” I look up at him and he whispers in my ear, “it’ll all be okay.”
Kim sniffs behind me and I turn to give her a hug, “you’re stuck with me kid.”
I lift a black marshmallow off of my stick and toss it to the ground. Evan fixes me another one, “Try not to completely fry this one.” I laugh and even though I don’t let it show, all the gloomy thoughts don’t go away.
I see Kammie across the fire, my brow creases, “how long has she been here?”
Kim looks across the flames and a look of murder passes before her eyes, “Who cares.” Her voice hisses like the crackles of fire sizzling and devouring the wood.
Evan sighs and walks off to join Trevor and Blake, I’m guessing he senses the two of us need some girl time, “look do you think you could ever?”
Kim glares at me and I immediately drop the subject. Her face softens, “I wouldn’t stop talking to you if you wanted to be friends with her,” she rolls her eyes, “I mean that’d be immature of me and you two have been friends for a while,” she shrugs, “it still burns when I think about it and I just really don’t want fake people in my life.” Her eyes move to Trevor and I open my mouth.
“You don’t mean you’re never going to give him another chance.”
She looks at me, “I don’t know what I mean. But if I can’t get past her betrayal then I can’t his either.” She licks her lips, “Maybe once we hit college and things die down a little we can work things out,” she shakes her head, “I love him. I do. And if he wants me then it’s going to be slow and we’re going to be friends first because I have to be with someone I trust.” I don’t say anything, instead I just watch Kammie from a distance, little pangs prick my chest, I never thought we’d end up like this.
Trevor walks over to us and I decide to get up and give them space. I walk over to a wagon full of food and drinks and look for some diet dr. pepper, “here,” I look up and Kammie reaches for my empty cup. I hand it over to her and she fills it with Diet Dr.Pepper. She hands it back to me.
“Thanks,” she eyes me and then she spikes her drink with a vodka bottle she had in her pocket, “you always drink now?”
She raises her eyebrows, “if the occasion calls for it.” She laughs, “sad that Trevor is leaving you?”
I nod and swirl my drink around in my cup, “Yeah,” I blink away tears, “so many things have changed,” I look at her and she looks away, “it’s just sad to me.”
Kammie shrugs, “or it can be exciting.” She smiles and walks away to join a crowd of people that I’m not familiar with.
“I miss you,” I whisper to her back so softly I can hardly hear it.
I flinch when I see Kim’s standing behind me, “what?” I ask feeling guilty like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
“You talk to Blake much?” she asks.
I make a face, “why would I?”
She smiles at me, “no reason,” I go to push her further but got distracted by the crowd surrounding Kammie. They were chanting something I couldn’t hear. And then I hear clapping and cheering. She must have done something spectacular because people are wild with excitement.
Some guy nearly knocks me off my feet as he pours him something to drink, “what’s going on over there?” I ask him.
“This crazy chick just chugged a shit ton of vodka.” He laughs and stumbles off to rejoin the crowd.
Kim shakes her head and I sigh, “It’s gotta be Kammie.”
“She’s really heading down the wrong ro
ad, I mean she drinks all the time and I’ve heard she does worse.”
I look back at the crowd and don’t say anything. I hope more than anything it isn’t true, but somehow I think it possibly could be. As the night goes on people start to trickle out until it’s only Kim, Evan, Blake and oddly Kammie left. Kammie is stumbling around the fire making us all types of nervous, “Why don’t you head on home?” Blake asks as he guides her to a seat away from the fire.
Kammie giggles, “because my ride totally flaked on me and I cannot call my parents.”
I look at Kim and mouth I’m sorry, “She can stay with me in my room for the night.” Kammie hiccups and doesn’t comment. Trevor groans but I ignore him.
Kim gets up from a lawn chair and stretches, “I need to head on home anyways,” she stands and looks around awkwardly like she doesn’t know what to do.
I lick my lips, “or you could stay?”
She looks at Trevor and then to Kammie. She bites her lips, “I don’t know.”
Trevor is pleading at her with his eyes, “if I’m the reason you won’t stay, I swear I’ll leave you alone.” He says.
She shakes her head, “it’s not that, I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
I nod, “I understand.” I say even though I don’t, I still think she’s being lame about it all. I mean she should either get over what happened or move on.
Then she shrugs, “I guess I can stay,” she points at Kammie, “but I’m not sleeping next to that,” Kammie cackles in the night and exclaims that she’s excited about a sleepover. Kim mutters under her breath about making a mistake, but she doesn’t take back her offer.
Blake carries Kammie to my room before he leaves our house. Trevor and Kim are sitting on the porch swing talking about going to State and I can’t help but feel a little bit of hope for the two. I follow Evan to his car and he gives me a kiss, “I’ll be by to pick you up tomorrow,” he smiles, “and see if you can’t talk the rest of them into coming.”
I nod. Church. I had forgotten all about it. We all needed to go but whether or not I could talk them into it was another story, “I’ll try my best.” And at that he gets into his car and drives away.
A peck on the window wakes me from dead sleep. My eyes blink open and I look around the darkness to figure out what woke me up. I go to close my eyes when all I hear are steady breaths from Kim and Kammie. Two heartbeats later and there’s a thump on my window. I ease out of bed, careful not to wake the two enemies. I tip-toe over to my window and flinch when I hear another peck on the window. I rub my eyes and yawn before I decide to open it. Something dings me in the forehead, “Shit,” I whisper into the dark. At first I don’t feel a thing due to shock, then I feel tingles quickly followed by throbbing pain. I kick the offending object with my toe and realize it’s a pebble.
“Is that a rock?”
I jump out of my skin, “shit!” I grab my chest, not expecting Kim to be standing on top of me, “you scared me,” I take in deep breathes and roll my eyes.
I open my eyes and see Blake standing at the bottom of my window, “Lexi, is that you?” I can barely make him out, he’s just a silvery outline from the moonlight.
I open my mouth to answer when Kim leans over my shoulder and sticks her head out the window, “Blake? Is that you?”
He ignores her and squints up in the darkness, “I need to talk to you.”
Kim places a hand over chest, I tug her back in the window and ignore her protests, “go back to sleep,” I urge her. She looks like she’s going to argue but she doesn’t, she goes back to bed and avoids Kammie like the plague. Kammie snuggles close to her and I giggle as Kim shoves her off. I stick my head back out the window, “I’ll be right down.”
I sneak out of the house and when I reach him he starts walking away from me, frustrated I follow him until he takes me into the woods. Deeper and deeper we go, branches crunch and crack under our feet but we don’t stop until we’re in a small clearing. I shiver in the night, but I’m not exactly cold, “you wanted something?”
Blake nods, “I do actually. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things,” I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t.
“Things?” I prompt. He looks at me and I get weak in the knees. The lighting from the moon is hitting him just right and it’s making something in me come to life.
“Yeah I’m getting ready to leave for college and I just wanted to get some things off of my chest.”
Thousands of thoughts flood my mind, “wait are you going to Texas?”
He shoves his hands in his pockets, “I didn’t know when to tell you.”
I hold a hand up to my mouth, in fear that I’m going to be sick. Something deep within in me that’s been long buried stirs and climbs to surface. All these thoughts and feelings swirl around and around in my head and I can’t breathe; I’m lost and I don’t know what to feel. I shake my head and tears fall freely, “don’t you dare say it,” I scream as I gasp for air. This can’t be real. This can’t be happening. He can’t be leaving me.
I feel all of these things and they’re wrong. I know they’re wrong because I am with Evan and I don’t care. He clenches his fists, “I’m going to Texas.”
I close my eyes and tears slosh out of the corners. I don’t bother to count because there’s simply too many; they’re pouring out in streams slipping from my face and falling off into an abyss taking my sanity along with them, “why?’ I sputter and snot not caring what I look like or what he might think. I punch his chest, “Why?” I look into his eyes, “Trevor stayed,” I laid my head on his chest and buried my face.
He rubs my back and puts his chin on top of my head, “It’s just something I had to do,” I feel him shudder, “just know that I will always remember you,” I pull away from him to read his face, he closes his eyes and steps away from me. He takes my hands in his, “I want you to promise me something,”
I gulp, “what?”
He shakes my hands and drops them, “wait and read this until after I’m gone,” he pulls out a folded piece of paper from the back of his pants, “please?”
I sniff a few more times and I take the paper from his hand and I hold it to my chest, “I promise, but why?”
Blake smiles, “just read it,” he holds up a finger, “but wait until I’m gone.”
I lick my lips, “When are you leaving?”
He kicks the ground with the toe of his shoe, “tomorrow,” I close my eyes and one tear falls, he brushes it away with his thumb and I hold my breath, “I have an uncle that lives down there.” He says this like it’s supposed to mean something.
I open my eyes and nod my head. I take a step back, “why then, If you are leaving give me whatever this is,” I hold the paper up, “why come to my window? Why lead me on to only run away?” I ask.
Blake laughs, it’s not kind or happy; I cringe, “what about Evan? Huh? Where does that leave him?” I don’t say anything and Blake curses under his breath, “because I’m a selfish bastard and I wanted you to know,” he points to my chest where I have the letter clutched, “just promise to read it tomorrow after I’m gone.” He heads back to my house and I follow him in silence.
I get scared and nervous when we reach my door because I know after this he will leave and I’ll never see him again. Something fierce inside of me makes me feel outraged; desperate. I hate Blake. I hate Evan. I hate myself. But really none of those things are true. Evan can’t help that he’s in the way. Blake can’t help how things turned out. We can’t help how things ended. I lick my lips and we both just stand there and stare at each other because we both know that when he leaves, this is it. My knees start to shake; my body trembles. He lifts a hand and waves. My chest burns full of sobs clawing their way up my throat, I’m not ready for this, “no I’m not ready,” I sob not caring if I was being loud or crazy.
Blake’s eyes sparkle and it’s just dark enough to where I can’t tell if he’s crying or not. He bites a lip and murmurs something in the dark. I rea
ch out; only for him to turn away and walk to his truck. He starts it up and I watch him until I can no longer see him. Something in me breaks. My sobs are uncontrollable; my knees shake; body trembles and I collapse onto the ground. The door opens, Kim and Kammie drop to their knees and both forget they hate each other and only remember they love me as they comfort me and try to figure out what’s wrong. Again my sobs are uncontrollable; I’m inconsolable. Kammie rubs my back and Kim reaches a hand towards the paper that I’m clutching to my chest for dear life, “What’s this?” she asks.
I hold it tighter to me, “it’s mine,” I grit my teeth and sob until I throw up. Kammie looks at Kim and she just looks away from her, I shrug them off of me and sit up.
Kim pulls me up, “want to talk about it?”
I wipe snot from my nose, “he’s gone,” I whisper in a cracked voice.
“Evan?” Kammie asks and Kim shakes her head, “Blake.”
Kammie shrugs and nods, “Oh okay,” and the three of us head back to my room.
I put the letter in my pillowcase and draw comfort at it being there, “good night,” I dismiss the two and let them know I am not talking about anything. And tonight I cry myself to sleep, while I say goodbye to cat and mouse, desperation, and running out of time. I cry and say goodbye to the boy with a storm in his eyes and his promises of what-if’s and if-only’s. A heart grows bitter living off of what-ifs and if-only’s, and because I know this, it’s time for me to say goodbye to someone else. I cry some more when I think about saying goodbye to the boy with the velvety brown eyes, his sweet smiles, and soft kisses don’t belong to me—they never did. If I cared about him at all, I’d let him go. And because I do care about him so very much, that’s just what I’ll do, I’ll let him go. So tonight I cried my goodbyes until I ran out of tears, and my eyes collapsed in a heap of exhaustion.