Chapter 8
After looking over show times we decided we didn’t feel like waiting around for the next showing, so the guys decided to rent movies and have a sleepover at our place. Kim and Kammie are laughing together when I walk into the kitchen. I run a hand through my hair when I see them smirking at me, “what?”
Kammie makes kissing noises and Kim laughs, “so you and Evan?” I roll my eyes and stick my tongue out at Kammie.
I nod, “yeah we’re together.” I say.
Kim smiles her approval, “he’s cute but not as good looking as Trevor.” I gag and she tosses a towel at my face.
“Agreed.” Kammie states quickly making my eyes pop out of my head. And this is the moment Kammie nearly crumbles the wall of lies we’ve all been trying to keep together. Kim laughs and looks at Kammie sideways, “agreed that he’s cute duh!” Kammie thinks quickly on her feet and saves her ass.
I shoot Kammie a glare and shake my head in disapproval, “So before the guys get back we need to have a little talk.” Kim licks her lips and I nervously wait for her to continue. Kim hops on the island and crosses her legs, “Since I’m the oldest here I feel the need to take you under my wing,” I sigh relieved. “So you two are obviously younger than your boy toys and I just want you to know you can ask me anything you want.”
Kammie props her elbows on the island and leans against Kim; her face lit like the fourth of July, not hiding an inch of her excitement of wanting to know everything there is to know about boys. And I kind of did too, “so why do I always feel sick and get all sweaty when Evan talks to me,” I close my eyes and then add, “and how long do I have to feel like this?”
Kim flips her hair and laughs, “okay, so you will probably get like that for the first little bit with anyone you’re crushing on,” Kammie and I groan, “It’s just part of it. It’ll get better the longer you’re together,” Kim slips off her shoes, letting them clink on the floor one thump at a time, “and to ease your mind Blake and Evan are most likely just as nervous as you are.”
And that little bit of knowledge made me feel empowered, “So you mean I make him nervous?” Kim nods and all I can do is smile. It felt good to know I made him nervous, made me feel less like a freak of nature and more like a goddess.
The guys crash into the kitchen with bags in their hands, “so we’ve been thinking,” Trevor drops his bags on the floor and toy guns spill out of the top, “we decided after we watch a few movies we’re going to have a water gun war.”
Blake cracks his knuckles, “It was going to be air soft guns,” he rolls his shoulders making his muscles ripple like waves; I tuck my lip in my teeth making myself look away from the waves under his tight shirt, “but we figured you girls wouldn’t like that as much.”
None of us have to give a response because it is obvious that we defiantly wouldn’t want to get shot with anything that would hurt or scar. Evan pokes his head in the doorway, “movies in.” He steps aside and allows for the others to pass and waits for me.
The butterflies and guilt swirl around and round in my stomach; I really needed to stop checking Blake out. Evan was cute; and he wasn’t dating my best friend. We sit in the floor with our backs against the couch and let everyone else spread out on the sectional. It’s kind of funny we both had the same idea, at the same time we both plopped on the floor and when someone made room for us we’d shrug it off. I don’t know why something so small made me open up a little more towards Evan; but it did, he was such a generous person—always putting himself last. I inched closer to him until our shoulders were touching; and there’s no question about whether or not I’m attracted to him anymore.
He smiles at me and hits play just after Blake kills the lights and jumps over top of us to get to an empty spot on the couch. I shriek and duck my head low into Evan’s side; Blake’s foot nearly knocked my head off of my shoulders. I look up and shoot Blake an ice glare before re-facing the movie. I glance at Evan and notice he is still facing Blake giving him a murderous look which is really strange, “dude?” Blake doesn’t say anything and for a minute the two just stare at each other. Then Evan turns back around and we all watch the movie in silence.
I’m kind of relieved when I see the movie is Jaws; it’s not exactly something I would have picked but I’d rather watch it than something that would actually scare me and keep me up for a million nights. Evan pulls me against him and I lay my head on his shoulder. Kim makes an awe noise and Trevor threatens Evan’s life. I’m a little uncomfortable with this attention; and greatly annoyed that the two of them are so invested in my romance. The credits light up the screen, and Kammie is the first to plop in front of the TV, she digs through the bags and picks out the next movie.
The movie rolls on and I instantly want the movie to end. It’s a for real scary movie, I can tell by the music and the way things are panning out on the screen. Kammie pats my shoulder and I watch her slip next to Blake curling up next to him. They’re both looking at me, I give a weak smile and turn back around. I close my eyes and burry my face in Evan’s chest every five seconds. But the sounds I hear from the screen make my imagination run wild and I’m sure I’m making this experience worse than it needs to be. But I cannot stand to watch people eat people. I’m more of a rainbow and butterflies kind of girl and I don’t like all things dark and disturbing. I mean the world is a bad enough place why pollute your mind with senseless junk. I was never more thankful to see a blank screen with words scrolling down in all my life.
Kammie hops off the couch and starts riffling through the bag again. My stomach was clamped and tied in as many knots it possibly could be. I really hoped whatever she chose next wasn’t going to be as terrible as the last.
We all let out a groan when Blake flips on the lights, “I think we’ve seen enough crap for the night,” he cracks his knuckles, “I think it’s time we have a little war.”
Trevor teases Blake about being a scaredy-cat, but we all just ignore the lame taunt and kind of look around the room at one and another. Then Kammie laughs, “Sweet! It’s dark out and we’ll all be kind of on edge after that slasher movie.”
I was never so happy to end a movie fest as I was now, “yeah!” I jump up and rearrange my shirt. I was down for anything that didn’t involve blood and guts.
It’s not until I’m slinking around in the dark, holding my water gun with a shaky hand that I regret agreeing to play this game in the dark. My heart is rattling in my chest and I have to stop in my tracks every so often to slow my breathing and get a grip on reality. I mean I know it was just a movie, there’s no monster man hiding in the shadows watching me. Of course when I agreed I thought we’d like be on teams or at least in pairs…I didn’t know it was every man for himself.
I draw in a ragged breath and force myself to keep moving until I find a place to hide and then I could just sit there and let this game pass me by. Then, when it was all over we’d all go back inside and hang out together. It would all be over soon, I wouldn’t have to stay in the dark by myself forever. I was deep in thought thinking about a way to convince Melissa to let Kammie spend the night with me forever so I wouldn’t have to sleep alone, when I hear a noise in the woods next to me. I gulp and make myself take another two steps forward. I was in the middle of convincing myself I was crazy when a hand slips over my mouth. I freeze and my body wilts; I can’t do anything. I’m so panicked I don’t even scream; I just go limp in someone’s arms.
Tingles ripple up my spine when I feel hot breath against my ear, “shhh,” a voice soothes in the deep of the night; then I’m being carried towards the weeds. I don’t even have enough sense to scream as I’m being stolen away into the darkness, “hey it’s me you can breathe you know.”
My body turns to fluid as relief floods my insides, Evan’s got me in his arms and he drops us down in the thick of the weeds just at the edge of the woods, “did I scare you?” he whispers against my skin.
I close my eyes and a tear sloshes down my cheek. I nod
and don’t say anything at first because I’m trying to quiet the storm raging inside of me. Evan kisses the top of my head and rubs circles on my back to calm me down. My breath starts to slow and my heart starts to sputter, “a little.”
Evan nods, “sorry,” he shrugs, “you know if you don’t like scary movies just say so and we could have done something else.”
I nod, “I know, I like the idea of being scared, but I just don’t like being scared,” he laughs, “and I like fluffy things. I’m not really all that dark of a person. I don’t like the idea of all those disturbing concepts.”
“Yeah, it’s like the worlds bad enough.” He says. I look over at him and our eyes collide. And when they do I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about the way the moonlight hits his face and drips from his hair and shines through his eyes, but I can’t stop looking at him. I take him all in, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t shake away the goose bumps that pebble all over my skin. I smile at him and I feel ripples of excitement swell in my chest, I probably look crazy, but I can’t stop smiling at him.
He licks his lips and my heart beats faster, he glances at my lips and then back to my eyes. I think he’s going to kiss me, I dig my fingers into the ground not really caring that the dirt is getting under my nails. The anticipation is building up in the air around us; we’re breathing it in just looking at each other. We both inch a little closer, he closes his eyes and stops, “I know you’re younger than me and all,” I blink in confusion wondering where this is leading, “so we don’t have to kiss or anything right now if you don’t want to.”
And just like that reality crashes in on me, he put me in control of the situation which was completely sweet and the right thing to do, but I kind of wanted him to steal me away and kiss me without asking. But then I think things like that only happen in movies; and this is definitely not a teen movie this is real life. And a real kiss. So I inch a little closer and he closes the distance with a light feathery kiss. I raise a hand and touch his cheek and he tangles his fingers in my hair as the kiss deepens. When the waves of hormones break, we rip apart taking in deep breaths. He rolls on his back and I burry myself under his arm and he holds me while we look at the glittering sky. We talk about everything; we talk about nothing and I can’t help but feel like this is where I need to be. I’m smiling thinking about how the two of us are connecting and my feelings for Evan have definitely changed when the rest of the crew starts calling our names.
We lay there for a while ignoring them until I hear Trevor cursing like a sailor tromping in our direction. He’s on a rant with Kim chasing after him trying to calm him down. I roll over on my belly and raise a finger to my lips signaling Evan to hold his gun in position. Trevor is in front of me talking about all the things he’s going to do to Evan if he even thinks about deflowering me and in this mortifying moment I decide to open up the gates and soak Trevor with my gun.
He stops in his tracks and blocks his face from the water, “What the hell?”
I jump out of the weeds and keep shooting Trevor, with Evan following in my suit, “That’ll teach you to meddle.” I cackle and empty the rest of the gun on Trevor.
Trevor bristles, and shakes a fist at Evan, “there’ll be no hanky panky with my baby cousin!”
And if a person could melt away until they were a puddle in the ground I most definitely would have. I really couldn’t believe Trevor could embarrass me anymore than he had in the past, but I was so wrong and he was showing me that more and more every day. I don’t have anything to say so I just cover my face.
Evan laughs and holds up his hands, “relax bro,” he smiles, “she’s safe with me.”
Still not convinced Trevor shakes a finger in Evans face, “she’s a virgin and she better stay that way.”
And then the skies open up and all kinds of shit just rained on my head. It would seem Trevor would always be able to embarrass me. Kim punches him in the shoulder and a smile breaks Evan’s face, “and so am I,” he shrugs, “True love waits.” Kim sighs and awes and I really want to go hide somewhere because I am so freaking embarrassed. I did think it was awesome that Evan admitted he was a virgin, but I also didn’t really want to discuss my private life with my male cousin; or find this bit of information out in front of said cousin either, I mean this was all kind of a private conversation.
Kim pulls Trevor away and they head back to the house every three or four steps Trevor would look over his shoulder and watch the two of us. My face breaks out into a deep flush and all I could do was stare at my feet, too ashamed to look at Evan. Evan lifts my chin with his hand and makes me look him in the eye, “hey don’t be ashamed of yourself.” He rubs a thumb under my chin. His smile blooms, “seriously, there’ll be no pressure from me about sex,” he shrugs, “because I want to wait,” he nods and looks up to the sky as if it’s going to offer him assistance, “I mean I think we’re kind of young and I go to church.” He rambles on about Jesus and I just keep looking at him. And then I’m a little lost in the conversation because he’s like rambling about how he knows you’re not suppose to cuss and drink but Jesus forgives and I don’t know what he’s talking about, so I just listen.
I mean I’ve heard about Jesus but I don’t really know about Jesus. Trevor and I never went to church. I think Melissa said she tried to once but people kept giving her nasty looks because she was prego at sixteen so she didn’t really stick to it. She said she was treated badly and she lived better than the people of the church did so she was better off keeping to herself.
It wasn’t until there was a long pause that I realized he must have asked him something, “huh?”
“It’s just hard trying to be better than what you are, you know?” I nod because I agree it is hard to always try and make yourself seem cooler; look prettier; more fun than what you are. Then he continues and I realize he’s talking about something totally different than pretending to be cool, “I mean I know you’re not suppose to get drunk and cuss,” I frown in confusion but don’t interrupt, “but sometimes you’re just weak and give in,” I bite my lip, I have no idea what I am suppose to say because I don’t go to church and I don’t know what he believes is wrong so I keep listening, “anyways you should come with me.”
I shrug, “I’ve never been before,” I say because I can’t really say that my thoughts on church and the people that go are kind of sullied because of the way they’ve treated Melissa. And I’ve hung out with tons of people that Monday through Friday are bringing down all the people around them with gossip and being all two-faced but come Sunday they’ll don their finest attire and be all like ‘Jesus loves you’. And I almost say that, but I don’t because he’s looking at me like he really wants to give me something special; like he really wants me to share this experience with him, so I don’t say anything else.
Evan takes me by the hand and we walk back to the house, “that’s okay,” he gives my hand a tug, “why don’t you come to my youth group for your first time and we can work your way up to a Sunday,” he gives me a wink and a smile. We’re about to go inside when we stop. He looks at me with those velvety brown eyes; my eyes flutter close when he kisses the top of my head. My stomach swallows itself in excitement and I still can’t believe he’s interested in me.
Trevor’s sitting on the couch with his arms crossed. He’s changed his clothes since he’s been inside, “I meant what I said.” He says to Evan.
Evan laughs, “So did I.” I glare at Trevor and before I can say anything, Evan tugs my hand, “I need to run home, but what do you say to youth group?”
“Sure.” He kisses the top of my head and turns to the rest of the group who are all spread out on the couch, “you guys want to come to youth group with us?” They all exchange glances and I take it as the rest of the guys haven’t been to church either.
No one says anything so Evan just lets the subject drop and waves bye to us all. I nod for Kammie to come upstairs with me and we leave the others behind. It’s n
ot until we’re alone in my room that she breaks the silence, “What do you want?”
I start changing into my lounge clothes and plop on my bed, “nothing let’s go to bed.”
Kammie has a smug look on her face, “and why should I sleep up here with you when I’ve got a senior boy waiting for me downstairs?”
I roll my eyes, “bros before hos,” Kammie giggles and I move over and pat the spot next to my leg, “besides you owe me for picking out that scary movie when you knew I wouldn’t like it.”
Kammie jumps in the bed and settles next to me, “you’re such a chicken,” she yawns, “I was setting the mood for snuggling, and Evan’s shoulder got a lot of action.” I snort in response.
“Why wasn’t I invited?” Kim barrels into my room and shoves Kammie over so she can slip in.
It wasn’t long until Blake and Trevor made a pile of covers and pillows in the floor next to my bed. “Are you guys scared too?” Kammie asks. Blake and Trevor laugh and crack jokes about us being scared.
Trevor rolls himself in a cocoon, “no but I know Lex gets scared after movies and I kind of just want to hang out.”
I’m spacing out, looking up at the ceiling when Kim asks, “thinking about Evan?” Kammie does a catcall while the guys groan in the floor.
I shake my head, “not really thinking about anything.” I continue to stare at the ceiling while the others talk about everything. Every now and then I’ll give a noncommittal grunt to suffice for a response and continue to let my mind go blank. I slowly begin to drift as I let all kinds of things circle around and round inside my brain.
My mind goes to a place it hasn’t went to in a long time, I think about mom and how much she’s changed. She use to be involved, there was a time when she knew everything about me, but that was when she loved me. Dad must have taken that with him to the grave, because when he died everything good about her died along with him.
I remember looking at her and thinking this cold person is not my mother. So I did the only thing a ten year old girl could do, I blamed aliens. Aliens beamed my mother into the sky, robbed her of her light, and turned her into a shell. It was so easy hating the alien, so I didn’t have hate my mother. But you’ll do things like that when you’re ten, you’ll make up all kinds of monsters to fight so you don’t have to admit your dad’s dead and your mother doesn’t love you anymore. I’m not ten anymore, and I don’t have any excuses for her. I could blame it on my stepdad, but I won’t, she lost interest in me long before he came into our life. They met on a business trip when I was eleven, not even a full year and she’d already moved on. I would say he’s a great guy, but I don’t really know him. After dad’s funeral she buried herself into her work and one business trip bled into another.
Melissa tells me mom loves me, she says mom just doesn’t know how to deal with me because I’m a connection to my dad. Or some shit like that. It used to tear me up, drive me crazy. But I’ve always had Trevor and Melissa. The two of them have filled the gaping holes in my heart that my parents left behind.
Now the thought of abandonment didn’t even sting; it was more like a smudge mark on a clean window; wouldn’t take much to erase, just a little swipe and it would be as if the smudge was never there. I wonder how that would make her feel; knowing that her daughter hardly missed her at all. Would she feel shattered, if only for half a second, if she knew that on the Christmas’s she did decide to show up that I felt like she was some annoying relative that was crashing family time? She probably doesn’t even think of things like that; and I really don’t care anymore, my relationship with her is dwindling, becoming more and more non-existent every day.
I lay awake listening to everyone’s breaths around me, they’re all steady and soft; evidence that they’ve drifted off to sleep. I toss and turn as gently as I can manage so I don’t muss Kammie’s sleep. Her elbow is buried into my side and it’s starting to sting a little. I turn on my back and blow a few strands from my face. No matter how hard I try I just can’t sleep. Thoughts that I thought I killed away long ago keep haunting me.
My parents for one, and the fact my mom could forget about me so easily, but somehow I just couldn’t forget her. It made me feel invaluable, like there wasn’t much to me. She didn’t deserve this, me laying awake thinking of her and wondering why she chose to leave me behind. I know. I know that careers and dreams are important but shouldn’t they change when you have a child? One tear falls. I didn’t ask to be born; but I was and I am not sorry. Two tears fall. She should have never left. She should have toughed things out here; she should have been here for me to help me get through losing dad. And if staying here was too much for her, then she should have taken me with her. Three tears fall. And I’m done.
I’m glad she’s there and I’m here. I don’t need her anymore, I’ve got Melissa and Trevor, they love me and they’ll never leave. Tonight I decide I won’t cry for her anymore; and I won’t love myself any less. Just because she chose a career over a child doesn’t mean I am worthless; it just means she’s selfish. I breathe in a deep breath; the ceiling drops a little lower, and the walls seem to close in. This bed is just so damn crowded and I feel like I just need to breathe in a space where it’s just me.
I rise out of the bed, careful not to wake the others. I step over the boys and slip out of my room. Out of the corner of my eye I see Blake watching my every move. I don’t look back; I just walk down the stairs and out of the front door. I take a deep breath and step into the night. All thoughts of dark and scary are shoved out of my mind and I don’t care about what’s hiding in the shadows. I only need the glittering stars above me and the fresh air to clear my mind. My feet tread the soft earth; it’s cold and chilling, but I don’t stop. I keep walking until I come to a garden with a glider, mine and Melissa’s favorite spot to read. Tonight it would be my spot to look at the sky and feel small.
I glide back and forth in the seat; until my mind is a whirring silence. Then I stretch my legs out in the seat, while it glides until it stops from the loss of motion. I breathe in and stare up at the sky. It’s so beautiful; its beauty fills all the cracks in my mind.
A hand presses on my shoulder and I flinch, “can I sit with you?” I don’t have to look up to see its Blake. I already know.
I let my legs slip to the ground and close my eyes, “don’t say anything.”
I look up at the sky in all its wonder. I didn’t want to talk about anything because I had a lot of emotions swimming inside my chest and I didn’t want to chance throwing anymore into the mix. Blake looks with me for a while and then he leans forward to gather my legs so he can lay them across his lap. I try to ignore the static that prickles all over me, and I mostly do. He rocks us in the glider. While he’s looking up at the sky, it gives me an opportunity to study him in secret. Of course I’ve studied him a lot when we first met. The moon casts a glowing outline defining his chiseled features. He truly was a beautiful sight to behold. Chills finger up and down my spine just looking at him. I know thinking about him like this is wrong, but there was something about him that fascinated me, and whether I wanted to be or not, I was attracted to him.
Then I remember him asking me if I remembered the night of the party; and I desperately wanted to know why he lied about drawing my name. What did he want me to remember? I’m at the verge of asking him, but he’s dating my best friend and I have Evan. Evan with his big brown eyes, soft brown hair, and dimples that melt into his cheeks when he speaks. Evan who I am also attracted to, Evan who is also my boyfriend.
And this is exactly the stupid confusing thoughts I didn’t want swimming around in my chest stirring up crazy storms of emotions. So I lean back on my side of the glider and I don’t ask any of those things, because I know it’s wrong. Maybe I didn’t go to church like Evan, but I still knew it was wrong to pry into something that should remain closed. I could pry; and for what? What outcome would I hope for? I knew deep down I was hoping Blake liked me, but what good would become of me betrayin
g Evan and Kammie? So no, I’ll keep these thoughts to myself and I won’t open that can of worms.
The silence lays thick and heavy between us; like steel bars on a jail. We glide from the motion of Blake’s legs, he clears his throat and the bars are broken free, “are you going to youth group?”
I let out a shaky laugh, relieved that he’s not going to say anything that we’ll both regret, “I don’t know,” I keep my eyes up at the sky , “I guess I’ll go.”
“But you don’t want to?” Blake stops gliding and I don’t know if he realized he placed his hands on my knees, but I do. I can feel the warmth of his hands seeping through the soft folds of fabric of my pants, and all I can do is focus on keeping my heart from thumping out of my chest.
I don’t know if the excitement is from the attraction or if it’s because it feels wrong for him touch my legs; to hold them in his lap, the two of us continue to look at the stars and it all feels wrong and it all feels good. I close my eyes and give myself a mental kick in the ass. I’m ridiculous, this is scandalous, but I don’t budge, instead I continue to flirt with bad morals. I need to answer his question so he won’t think I am nuts, “well,” I stammer a little, “no? It has nothing to do with Evan,” I scratch my neck, “it’s more of the church scene I guess. I mean I wasn’t raised in a church. And Melissa tried it while she was prego with Trev,” I lick my lips, maybe I shouldn’t be sharing information with Blake about myself, but I do anyway, “and she was treated like she was dirt. I mean she was a child that had to grow up and she wanted some guidance in her life so she turned to church and they turned her away,” Blake is listening to me in silence and I don’t know if he’s bored or not but I kind of want to get things off of my chest so I continue, “and look I’ve hung out with tons of people who go to church and they don’t really act any differently than I do.”
Blake pats my leg and I flinch under his fingers, but he doesn’t seem to notice, “I can see that,” he stretches, making me slide slightly closer to him. I straighten myself and scoot back to my spot, “there’re bad people everywhere though,” he looks at me. And I mean really looks at me. And I feel as if he can see every part of me. It takes all the energy I have to not beg him to tell me what he wants me to remember and the reasons for his mood swings towards me. But I don’t budge. I’m too scared of doing something that horrible to two people I care about in my life. And I already made the claim that I would not be like my mom.
I would not be selfish, I would not make myself happy at someone else’s expense. But Blake just keeps looking at me with his beautiful eyes and I keep looking at his beautiful face. And I blame the moon. The moon makes people do crazy things like fall in love and turn into wolves. It’s the moon, not me; the moon keeps hitting his face and dripping off of his hair. Just like it did with Evan. The moon makes me boy crazy and selfish. I inch a little closer and I lose a little ground on my moral footing. All he has to do is say one thing; one word and all resolve I have will disappear. My hair is standing on ends; waiting—hoping for him to say something.
And he does, “Evan’s a really good guy.”
I let out a shaky breath; and give a soft laugh, “yes.” Blake stands and my legs slip from his lap. My eyes flood to the ground and scarlet flushes my cheeks. I watch Blake amble away from me towards the house. The moon glints from his hair and the nape of his neck. The moon makes people crazy; it makes people fall in love and turn into wolves. The moon makes me crazy. I blame the moon. I close my eyes and silence as thick as steel bars in a jail close around me. One tear slides down my face. I almost betrayed Evan and Kammie. I almost became my mom, Trevor’s dad. Two tears slide down my face. A third tear escapes and I wipe it away before it can completely fall. I close my eyes and let the bars close in on me, while I sentence myself to a crime of shame.