Chapter 9
The halls are all buzzed with the excitement of the final bell. I slam my locker shut and throw my bag over my shoulder, “so what am I suppose to wear anyways?” I look at Kammie who is three steps ahead of me. I catch up to her only to see she has already popped her ear buds in which means she didn’t hear anything I said.
I tug the right bud out as we continue to walk to Trevor’s tracker, “do you know what I am supposed to wear?”
Kammie shrugs and jacks her bud back and pops it back in place in her ear. She turns her volume down on the screen, “just ask Evan.” I nod, I think that’s what I am going to have to do anyways because it seems he is the only person who would know. I mean I really didn’t want what happened to Melissa to happen to me too, especially if it would make Evan look bad.
Trevor still isn’t at his tracker and it’s locked so we prop ourselves against the tracker waiting. I plop my bag to the ground and place my purse on top of it. Kammie pops out her earbuds and starts texting someone. She’s been doing that a lot lately, not that I cared or anything, but she use to talk to me more than she texted. I guess because I was usually the person she was texting. She was probably texting Kim or Blake. Most likely Kim, because I didn’t think Blake would be much of a texter. I finally give in out of sheer boredom, “who are you texting?”
Kammie flips her hair, “Blake.” I make a face of surprise and Kammie smiles, “yeah, I’ve gotten him to text a little more.” I nod my approval. “Do you think it’s weird we don’t ride to school together?”
I frown, I’d never put thought into it either way, but it was kind of weird. I mean but maybe it wasn’t, because Kim didn’t ride with Trevor, but maybe that’s because he’s always taking me and Kammie to school. “We’ve been riding together since the sixth grade.”
Kammie makes a face, “Well yeah I know! He just texted me, asking me why I never ride with him.” If my face fell a little at the comment Kammie doesn’t point it out. It shouldn’t bother me that Blake wants his girlfriend to ride around with him, I mean that only makes sense and that’s his right. My anger-washed stomach churns at the image that’s forever burned in my heart, I close my eyes and I go back. I go back to Kammie’s body pressed against his, her mouth on his lips. My pulse races when mixed emotions flutter in my chest, rattle my brain until my teeth are sore. Envy. Shame. Envy. Shame. I’ve no right to feel this way, but I do. I swallow the urge to slap her perfect little face, and when I do, I taste mud and see red. I look at her; my vision’s all tainted with green. She makes me sick with her hair that shines like a black pearl, her big brown eyes and her little pointed nose. I roll my tongue around in my mouth, scrape it across my teeth, they’re all gritty and vile; mired in betrayal. And for no reason at all, she’s starting to get on my nerves.
I shrug, “maybe you should ride with him.” My words are clipped and a little short and I can’t help it.
So maybe I can help it, but I don’t give a damn. There’s a small voice inside of me telling me I’m being crazy; shady. But like I said I’m always divided in two, and it is a small voice. The other voice is loud and raging, a beast on its own, it will be heard. It tells me I saw him first, she doesn’t deserve him, she’s a trifling hussy. Then again, the small voice whispers, ever so slightly, if she’s a trifling hussy, then so am I. I don’t deserve her, I don’t deserve Evan. Sometimes it’s the smallest voices that carry the loudest messages, the ones that echoes die long after they’ve been heard. The loud voice roars, but now all I hear is the shame I feel in my heart.
Kammie narrows her eyes, “okay, I will then! I just thought we’d ride together like we always do, I mean just because we’ve got boyfriends doesn’t mean we have to ditch each other.”
I hug Kammie, because I’m scared she’ll slip away. I feel guilty and she’s right. I feel sick and hot all over, I hate myself for thinking so badly about her, I hate myself for wanting to hit her. I look at her, and I go back. I go back to jump rope and secrets, sleepovers and the Olsen Twin’s marathons. Kammie’s a part of me that I don’t want to lose, a little girl crush was not worth losing someone I cherished. Boys would surely come and go for us, but we were going to stay, because when you love someone you do whatever it takes to keep them.
“It’s not a big deal if you want to ride with him,” I give her a smile. “You do what makes you happy. And let’s promise to stay best friends.” I say.
Kammie nods and starts punching in a response. I wait for her tell me bye but she never does, she just stands there and waits with me. Evan rolls up next to us in his car, “hey girls, you want to ride with me to get some orange leaf before youth group?”
Kammie and I look at each other. Kammie looks like she really wants to go, but waiting for me to give the okay. Funny how fast the tides have turned, I don’t know what’s right. I mean we both kind of just had this conversation so I should definitely say no, but I don’t, instead I put the ball in her court. “What do you want to do?”
Kammie makes a dash for the back seat of Evan’s car, “heck yes!”
I laugh and get my things, after buckling myself in I shoot Kammie a look, “Um what about our conversation?”
Kammie giggles, “I’m still riding with you!” I sit back in my seat and smile in defeat; girl has a point. Somehow I didn’t think that would matter to Blake.
“Blake won’t get mad?”
Kammie rolls her eyes, “Blake didn’t ask to give both of us a ride. Evan did.” Good point, good point, only I don’t think Blake will care about that at all.
Evan rolls to a stop and sticks his head out the window, “your girl’s with me!” Kammie makes a face and then she relaxes when we see that he is yelling at Trevor. Trevor just throws us a wave and disappears in the rows of cars.
About five minutes later my phone chimes with four texts. Three from Kim and one from Trev. Kim: hey! Evan said he was taking u to get orange leaf! I want to go! Can I go? I giggle as I type a response and click send. Trevor: Do u care if we come too? I send him a response. “Looks like Trev and Kim are coming,” Kammie nods and Evan smiles, “You going to tell Blake?”
Kammie whips out her phone and chews her lips. She staring hard at her phone waiting for it to ping, but it never does. I really hope that Blake wasn’t ticked because she rode with us instead of him. I’d have to ask her later if he was mad and if he was then I really didn’t care if she started to ride with him. I didn’t want to be in the way of her relationship. But all that slipped out of my mind when we finally made it to Orange Leaf, the only thing I was worried about was deciding on which flavor I was going to get.
We all raced to the sample cups laughing and trying a million different flavors before we decided on the ones we wanted. Evan picks out a white sofa that has two orange chairs in front of it; the three of us sit on the sofa and eat like little piggies. The door chimes and Kim, Blake, and Trev walk in. Kammie hops off the sofa and kisses Blake on the cheek. He looks a little annoyed but then his face softens and she goes to help him choose the best flavor.
Kim plops next to me and Evan stuffing her face. Trev sits on the arm of the sofa leaving the two chairs for Kammie and Blake. Kim dips her spoon into my yogurt, “hey!” I sputter with a mouth full.
Kim giggles and eats the stolen spoonful of yogurt, “yum! That tastes just like white chocolate covered strawberries.” She goes in for another steal but I yank my bowl from her reach teasing her before I let her have another bite.
She shoves her bowl in my face, “have some of mine you’ll die once you try it.” I laugh because Trevor is looking over her head at me telling me not to do it because it’s gross. I peak at her bowl and see that it’s a couple of flavors mixed together with a pile of gummy worms.
I dip my spoon in her slosh and put it to my mouth. I dab some on my tongue before I take it all in my mouth, and its’ okay, but not the greatest, “what is it?”
Kim smiles proudly, “chocolate and peach!” I nod and return her smile but I do
n’t go for another sample; one was enough.
The six of us laugh about school and talk about concerts we want to go to when my spoon scrapes against the bottom of the bowl. Trevor shoves the rest of his yogurt in my face and I happily finish his up when Blake takes it upon himself to bring notice to what I am doing, “back to eating like a mother trucker I see?” Trevor starts cracking up and the three of us girls just glare at Blake.
“Lame! I mean seriously, do you want to make her have an eating disorder?” Kim shoves her spoon in the cup of yogurt I’m eating and takes a bite for herself.
I’m really quiet, and of course I feel ashamed. I love frozen yogurt, and it’s like if Trevor wants to give me his I’m not turning it away. And I desperately wanted to know what he freaking means by that comment, “how does a trucker eat Blake?”
Blake blinks, “like a hungry person,” Trevor laughs some more and high fives Blake, but all I can do is glare and crush the bowl of yogurt.
“Okay so I eat; don’t you eat? Doesn’t Kammie eat? Don’t. People. Eat?”
Blake looks taken aback, “Well yeah, I don’t mean anything by it. You just eat really fast and a lot.”
Kim snorts and I take another bite of yogurt of my yogurt, “guess I’m fat too right?” Kim steals some of my yogurt, but I’m too focused on Blake to notice.
Blake makes a face, “of course you’re not fat. You just eat fast and a lot.”
I grit my teeth, “why do you care how I eat?” Kim goes for another spoon full and this time I place the squished container in her lap.
He makes a face, “I don’t.”
“Then stop talking about how I eat.” I sit back in the chair and cross my arms over my chest eyeing him like the jerk he is.
Trevor stops laughing and tugs on the collar of my shirt, “guys just do that to other guys,” I look at Trevor and wait for him to embellish, “you know they give each other crap over stupid shit. Like dude you run like a turkey, or hey you eat like a mother trucker!”
Kim tweaks Trevor’s nipple through his shirt. “She’s not a guy.” He yelps in pain, his face screws up into a ball and I can’t help but laugh.
Trevor rubs his pec, “Ow,” he eyes Kim with a devilish look in his eye, “let me do that to you!” He acts like he’s going to but Kim smacks his hand away and threatens to put him six feet under. Then Trevor gets serious, “well it’s how guys interact with their buddies.”
Blake nods, “yeah no harm,” he hangs his head and stares at his melting cup of yogurt.
I bite the corner of my jaw and decide to let things slide. I reach over and snatch his yogurt from his hands. He blinks and stares at me in disbelief. I cackle and point my spoon at him, “and guys steal their buddies food,” I wink at him and shovel some of the yogurt in my mouth. Surprised its white chocolate covered strawberry, a smile escapes my lips. I sneak a look at Blake and he’s just smiling at me while I eat his yogurt.
Blake jolts when Kammie hops in his lap, “so what do you wear to youth group?”
Evan puts his empty cup on the table and leans back on the couch, “whatcha got on now will work,” he looks at Blake, “are you bringing Kammie?”
I stop eating the yogurt because my stomach is hurting and my head’s starting to get a brain freeze, “he goes to church with you?”
Evan laughs, “he’s the preacher’s nephew.” And we all kind of freeze, mirror each other with the same shocked expressions. We all look at each other not really saying anything.
Trevor guffaws in disbelief, “you go to church?” Trevor kind of looks betrayed and no one else would understand it but me. It’s because of what happened to Melissa and how she has portrayed church people to be that has made him feel like he should have known this about his best friend.
Blake looks like he’s a kid caught in a cookie jar, “so? It’s not like you’ve ever asked. And you always talk so bad about church I never thought to tell you okay?”
Trevor slightly bristles, “I know, but you could have told me.”
Blake rolls his eyes, “does it matter? I mean you say you don’t like church people because they’re all so fake, so why would I tell you I go?”
Trevor shrugs dismissing the thought and at that he’s done with the conversation. It’s like he never was mad. And to everyone else in the room I know this doesn’t make sense. But they didn’t grow up listening to Melissa rant about fake people with their stained windows full of fake love; quick to judge and quick to turn their back on what they preach.
Evan clears his throat, “there’s good people who don’t go to church just like there’s bad people who do go to church,” we all look around at each other not really sure if he made the point he wanted to make but we don’t interrupt him, “if one white man murders does that mean all white people are murderers?” and now his point was made and no one’s got a thing to say.
We’re all a little silent, we all have empty bowls and full bellies and no one is speaking. Evan takes our trash and stacks them all up and he throws it away. He sighs, “well I’m heading to youth group,” he goes to leave and I follow, he looks at me and smiles, “anyone else going?”
Kammie hops up and flips her hair, “I already told my mom I was going so,” she looks at Blake.
He nods and heads for the door. “Are you riding with me?” She looks at me, then she slips her hand through his. I don’t feel jealous, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel numb. I feel strange, like it’s something in-between, but the smile I give her is real.
Trevor and Kim exchange looks, “well I really would rather go to the mall,” Kim hugs me bye and she follows Trevor to the parking lot.