Chapter iii.
_The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases._
We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spendthe remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it wascustomary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to paytheir respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owedtheir deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not failin any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our hostreplied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not longquitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave personswhom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes.These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes arethe _insignia_, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them ofthe several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to followthem, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in ahurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprized at thisbehaviour, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquaintedwith it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was,because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, accordingto the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we hadbrought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all ourlives informed was not lawful to do. "No, no, master," replied the host;"I am apprized of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have firstsent you to my lord Scrape,[G] who would have supplied you with what youwant." "My lord Scrape supply us!" said I, with astonishment: "sure youmust know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he never lenta shilling without it in his life." "No, sir," answered the host, "andfor that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentenced tokeep a bank, and to distribute money _gratis_ to all passengers. Thisbank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserablyhoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visiblyone shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is toreturn to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventyyears; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter thehuman species again, and take a second trial." "Sir," said I, "you tellme wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, howcan he furnish all passengers?" "The rest," answered the host, "issupplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you.""I apprehend," said I, "this distribution of his money is inflicted onhim as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, whenhe knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve thepurpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which itseems is all he is really to lose?" "Sir," cries the host, "when youobserve the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will beof another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged soheartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did togo to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you willknow more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now,if you please, I will attend you to my lord's, who is obliged to supplyyou with whatever you desire."
We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which wasan immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of whichwould have purchased the honour of some patriots and the chastity ofsome prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as wellapprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air,which at first surprized me, who so well remembered the respect I hadformerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality tothe person who now saluted him in the following manner: "Here, you lord,and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, andsupply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I'll fetchthe beadle to you. Don't fancy yourself in the lower world again, withyour privilege at your a--." He then shook a cane at his lordship, whoimmediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable airand face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers hisbank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainlyreturned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee theporters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not tospare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refusedthe least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with thisreflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked apoetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripeat him: "For," says he, "the rascal not only refused to subscribe to myworks, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a bettergentleman than himself."
We now returned from this miserable object, greatly admiring thepropriety as well as justice of his punishment, which consisted, as ourhost informed us, merely in the delivering forth his money; and, heobserved, we could not wonder at the pain this gave him, since it was asreasonable that the bare parting with money should make him miserable asthat the bare having money without using it should have made him happy.
Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned before refused to visitus again) now attended us; and we having fee'd them the instant theyentered the room, according to the instructions of our host, they bowedand smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever disease we pleased.
We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to differentladies. I directed my porter to shew me to the Fever on the Spirits,being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and Itraversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose.At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the MaladieAlamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, theRheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I wastired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave myporter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemncountenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without anyfarther ceremony.
He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket,_i.e._, an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee'd him, and thenacquainted him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two orthree minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paperout of his pocket, on which he writ something in one of the Orientallanguages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carryit to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business,he took his leave.
Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop,which very much resembled an apothecary's. The person who officiated,having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and,pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which hedelivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck ofit, on which were written three or four words, the last containingeleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to findout, but received no other answer than that he had done as he wasordered, and the drugs were excellent.
I began now to be enraged, and, quitting the shop with some anger in mycountenance, I intended to find out my inn, but, meeting in the way aporter whose countenance had in it something more pleasing thanordinary, I resolved to try once more, and clapped a fee into his hand.As soon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed heartily, and toldme I had been imposed on, for in reality no such disease was to befound in that city. He then enquired into the particulars of my case,and was no sooner acquainted with them than he informed me that theMaladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged. I thanked him, andimmediately went to pay my respects to her.
The house, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautifuland magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted withsycamore-trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremelypleasant but short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adornedwith several statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence Iconcluded them all to be true antiques; but was informed they were thefigures of several modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship'scause. I next mounted through a large painted staircase, where severalpersons were depictured in caricatura; and, upon enquiry, was told theywere the portrait
s of those who had distinguished themselves against thelady in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of manyphysicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by thepainter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that Ibelieve he had himself received some particular favours from the lady ofthis mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. Ithen entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of suchexact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a galleryof beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexionsgiven me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a secondapartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies.Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with asmile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had doneher eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected thefaces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios;but was very much surprized to see the resemblance of a lady of greatdistinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, madeno other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees.
I was now introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was athin, or rather meagre, person, very wan in the countenance, had nonose, and many pimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance,but could not stand. After many compliments, much congratulation on herside, and the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she askedme many questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lowerworld; most of which I answered to her intire satisfaction. At last,with a kind of forced smile, she said, "I suppose the pill and drop goon swimmingly?" I told her they were reported to have done great cures.She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was not ofregular practice; "for, however simple mankind are," said she, "orhowever afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular mannerto being cured by a nostrum." She then expressed great pleasure at theaccount I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removedthe hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was verymuch delighted to find they had spread into St James's; that she imputedthis chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who had latelypublished their excellent works, endeavouring to extirpate all notionsof religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving author of theBachelor's Estimate; "to whom," said she, "if I had not reason to thinkhe was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views, Icould never sufficiently own my obligations." She spoke likewisegreatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, ofmarrying children very young, and without the least affection betweenthe parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continuedto spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only diseasewho would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank.
While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. Theywere all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the secondChaeras, and the third Scorbutia.[H] They were all genteel, but ugly. Icould not help observing the little respect they paid their parent,which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quittedthe room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in heroffspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves tobe her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent motherand had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaintsgenerally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them,when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to putan end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for the favourshe had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found myfellow-travellers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands withmy host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately afterproceeded on its journey.