Then she exploded, “Damn it, Nate, talk to me! What’s the matter?”
At her outburst, the sudden loudness of her voice after he’d placed such a high price on silence because of her pain, not to mention the fact that he felt, after the episode of hours before, as if she could shatter into a million pieces and be lost to him again but this time forever, he admitted tersely, “You scared the hell out of me.”
Her face changed again, this time to understanding. And she didn’t pull away from him. He thought she would at his admission but she didn’t. Her fingers tightened on his arms reassuringly.
“Oh Nate, it’s just a headache,” Lily whispered.
“Stop saying that, Lily, it isn’t just a headache. I’ve never seen anything like that in my life.”
She, to his complete astonishment, tried to tease. “Then you must have lived a very sheltered life.”
“No, Lily, I haven’t,” Nate returned instantly, each word clipped and she immediately realised her mistake but he didn’t allow her to dwell on it or remonstrate herself for it. Instead he informed her, “You have an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow.”
“I do?” This time, her expressive face filled with surprise.
And it was then, unusually belatedly, that it dawned on him that her face was expressive again. Her guard was down, she was standing in his arms lightly pressed against his body and not trying to pull away.
She was talking to him and hadn’t once mentioned the name “Alistair”.
His arms tightened, bringing her deeper into his body.
“Yes, you do,” he said softly, feeling it rather than knowing it. The reason why she was there.
“Why? There’s nothing they can do. I’ve been to doctors,” she told him.
“Humour me,” he returned.
“Nate –”
“Do it for Tash,” he muttered, bringing his hand up to tuck a heavy sheaf of her extraordinary hair behind her ear.
“I don’t have to, Nate. I’ve had the headaches since I was a little girl, just a few then. They came more often when I started my period. Every other month before my cycle and any time I got over-stressed.”
“Lily?”
“Yes?”
“This discussion is over,” he stated flatly.
She stared at him, her expressive face turning rebellious and he realised then how much he missed her.
He knew he missed her. He knew it. He’d lived with it for years, most especially the last couple of weeks.
But now that she was back, now that she was truly Lily, her smile quirked, her face telling him exactly what she was thinking before she opened her mouth to speak, he felt her loss like a blow.
And her return like a blessing.
He bent his head to brush his lips against hers and she only stiffened slightly in his arms.
Progress.
“Let’s talk about why you’re in London,” he suggested in a tone that said it was anything but a suggestion.
“Can I get dressed?”
“No.”
She gasped.
Then, a moment later, she sighed.
“Can we do it in another room?” she asked huffily.
“No.”
“Nate –”
“Now you’re avoiding the subject.”
Her lips puckered and her eyes slid away from him.
Any residual fury at his ineffectiveness in the face of her pain ebbed out of him as he sensed victory.
“Before I say what I’m going to say,” her eyes came forward and her hands came between them to fidget together against their chests, “I’m going to warn you that I have certain conditions.”
His arms moved from around her, he took hold of her hands in his and he pulled them gently behind her back, pressing her soft body fully against his.
“Nate!” she exclaimed.
“Just say what you have to say Lily.”
“Let go of my hands.”
She was avoiding the subject.
“You were fidgeting,” he informed her.
“So?”
“It was distracting.”
“Trust me, you’ll listen to what I have to say.”
“It wasn’t distracting me, it was distracting you.”
Her head jerked sharply, she stared at him a moment and then the quirky smile played about her lips but didn’t come out in full force.
“You’re too perceptive for your own good,” she grumbled but didn’t mean it, there was a hint of admiration to her words and at any other moment in his life he would have allowed himself to feel pleasure at it.
Not at this moment, however. This moment was too precious to allow his mind to wander to anything but her.
“Lily.” His voice held a warning.
“What now?” she asked.
“You’ve something to say?” he prompted.
“All right, fine,” she mumbled but then didn’t say anything.
He waited. She kept her quiet.
He waited. She puckered her lips and slid her eyes away again.
He waited. She slid her eyes back and looked at him, opened her mouth then closed it again.
“Lily,” Nate repeated then he couldn’t help himself, he felt his body begin to shake with laughter.
“Are you laughing?” she groused, locking onto another subject to dodge the one she was avoiding.
He released her wrists but held her where she was with his still about her. He bent his head and buried his face in the fragrant hair at her neck.
“Just tell me you’ll marry me,” he demanded against her neck, his voice filled with amusement, his body shaking with it and something very close to the feeling he’d had when his daughter first threw her arms around him stole into his heart.
“I’ll marry you,” she whispered and his arms, already around her, tightened like steel bands.
Something powerful and innate surged through him, something enormous and profound and unbelievably pleasurable. Better than the most intense orgasm he’d had (a climax he’d had with Lily, he remembered it clearly, the fifth time they’d made love).
“But I have conditions,” she informed him.
He lifted his head and stared down at her already deciding he’d be willing to give anything.
Almost.
“We’re not moving to London,” she stated, “you’ll have to move to the house in Clevedon.”
Without hesitation, Nate replied, “Done.”
Lily seemed surprised at his quick agreement and it threw her off for a moment but then she recovered. “You have to accept Fazire, no matter what.”
This time he hesitated and she opened her mouth to speak but before she could say a word, he bit out, “Fine.”
“And he lives with us.”
Nate nodded. He’d accept her strange friend Fazire. He’d live with the entire British Army camped in his living room if it meant being with her, having her in his bed and having his daughter just down the hall.
“Say it,” she demanded.
“Fine,” he allowed.
“And if anything ever happens to me, he stays with Tash as long as Tash wants him.”
Nate watched her closely. He found this demand more than a little strange as if Fazire was a possession to pass along. Correctly reading from her face this meant a great deal to her, he agreed with another nod.
At that she relaxed against him.
“That’s it?” he enquired, finding himself relieved. She could have asked for more, much more, diamonds and pearls, jet-set holidays, mountain chalets in the Alps.
But she didn’t ask for any of that and this time she nodded.
“Now we’ll discuss my condition,” he told her.
Lily tensed again immediately. “What conditions?”
“Not conditions, condition,” Nate replied, “I only have one.”
She stared at him, her widened eyes had narrowed.
Nate carried on. “No more children. If you want another baby, we’ll adopt.”
<
br /> Her eyes instantly grew wide again. “Nate, it was just a bad pregnancy. There’s no reason I can’t –”
He cut her off. “Just a bad pregnancy like your migraines are just headaches?”
Her mouth snapped shut and she pursed her lips.
Then he asked suddenly, “Are you on birth control?”
“No.”
This announcement shocked him. “Do you use another form of birth control?”
She was beginning to squirm and looking more than a little uncomfortable.
He couldn’t care less about her discomfort. “Answer me, Lily,” Nate demanded, giving her a mild shake.
“No.”
“Why the hell not?” he snapped.
She glared at him but didn’t answer.
“Answer me.” Nate was beginning to get angry.
She’d graduated from Oxford, for Christ’s sake, she wasn’t stupid. She’d nearly died during her last pregnancy, hell, she did die. She should be protecting herself.
He hated the idea of another man touching her, especially since, in the beginning she had only been his. But as much as he detested it, he understood he had to let go of that now. She was back, Natasha was theirs, his entire focus was on their future.
“Did they use it?” he asked, not exactly thrilled about talking about her lovers but he had to know.
Consideration to contraceptives wasn’t something he’d taught her in the brief time they’d had together, indeed, he’d avoided it with calculated purpose but he could imagine she’d learned a great deal in eight years.
“Who?” she queried, looking mystified.
“The men you’ve been with.”
Even in the dark room, he saw her face pale.
She kept her silence for a moment and then said, “Nate, I really don’t think it’s any of your –”
He shook her again, this was slightly-more-than-mild.
“Nate!”
“Lily, you’re going to be my wife. Considering my condition on our impending nuptials, this subject would eventually come up.”
“I didn’t agree to your condition,” she told him.
“You aren’t getting pregnant again,” he retorted.
“Really, I –”
He interrupted her. “We’ll get you to a GP tomorrow as well and get something arranged.”
He had decided to give up. She was definitely more stubborn than he remembered and there were other ways he wished to spend these moments, vastly more enjoyable ways, not arguing about birth control and definitely not thinking about her other lovers.
Even so, he couldn’t stop himself from muttering, “It’s stunning, someone as obviously intelligent as you would be so immensely dense about protecting herself with contraceptives.”
She stiffened in his arms. “I am not dense.”
“Considering the fact you nearly died in childbirth, yes, I’d say you were dense,” Nate bit out curtly because the subject was so important, considering what happened with Natasha, and Lily’s nonchalance about something that important intensely annoyed him, therefore he instantly decided he liked the idea of arguing about birth control.
“I hardly need to fill my body with pills or be fitted with… with… some sort of apparatus if I wasn’t taking anyone to my bed!” she snapped her eyes firing and a blush so fierce he could see it in the dark crawling up her cheeks.
His body stilled and his arms tightened. “What did you say?”
“You heard me.”
“All right, I’ll ask another question. What did you mean?”
She seemed at a loss for a moment, clearly her agitation and her recovery from the migraine were slowing her processes. Then she caught up.
“You’re too smart for your own good, do you know that?” she enquired irritably.
“Don’t change the subject and answer the question.”
She looked skyward and for the first time she pressed against his arms to get away.
“This is mortifying,” she told the ceiling.
Then he knew.
He couldn’t believe it but he knew. It was nearly as unbelievable as the fact that she hadn’t been touched when he first had her. This was impossible to believe.
“There haven’t been any others,” he stated and her eyes flew to him. “Have there?” he asked softly.
She hesitated for a moment and then she said, “I know you think I’m the most, well, that I…” She made a strange, frustrated noise then burst out, “there just wasn’t time!”
He realised she was making excuses like this news was a bad thing. Like this wasn’t a gift from the gods, like her return, like Natasha, like the fact she just agreed to marry him.
“Lily.” His voice was low with meaning but she was beginning a roll.
“There was always something. When Tash was young, I was recovering then after that, I was just too tired. Then there was work, laundry, Tash, Fazire, the damned car. I mean, there wasn’t time.”
Nate tried and failed to cut in patiently by murmuring, “Lily.”
She talked over him. “And then there’s finding someone. I mean, Nate, there are a lot of losers out there. A lot. You would just not believe.”
She was underlining her words again like he remembered she’d do when she was agitated. It was so very Lily, not meek, mild, world-weary Lily but his Lily, spirited and hilarious.
Nate’s body started to shake with laughter and relief and what he’d felt before, something he didn’t recognise but now he knew was triumph mingled liberally with joy.
“Lily.” His voice was suffused with mirth.
She ignored him and her eyes rolled to the ceiling. “And some of the things they said. One guy even told me I had nice breath! He complimented my breath as a pick up line. Please tell me you’ve never done that.” Her gaze came back to him at her query, she finally felt his body shaking and her eyes narrowed. “What’s funny?”
He decided he didn’t want to read her thoughts in the darkened room and with effort he let her go but laced his fingers in hers. He walked to the window, dragging her with him and threw open the drapes. Then he immediately pulled her back into his arms.
“I asked, what’s funny?” she demanded.
He smiled down on her and her face changed when she saw it. He noted some of the old expression she used to wear when she looked at him shone through and the joy he was feeling intensified exponentially.
“Darling, as much as I hate the thought of you going it alone with Natasha for eight years, I hate the thought of you with anyone else more. So, I hope you’ll forgive me when I tell you I’m glad you haven’t shared your beautiful body with anyone but me.”
“Well!” she huffed, clearly at a loss for what to say and she turned her face away from him so he couldn’t see her expression.
He tilted it right back with a hand at her jaw and he saw confusion in her eyes, confusion and relief. “Now that that’s out in the open, do you agree to my condition?”
Again she looked adorably confused when he switched to an earlier subject and he noted for future reference that she was foggy after a migraine.
Then her expression cleared.
She sighed. Hugely.
“I suppose,” she gave in.
His arms tightened and his head descended.
“If we can adopt,” she interrupted his descent.
“We’ll adopt,” he said against her lips.
“Okay,” she whispered, her body melted into his and, finally, gratefully, he kissed her.
Chapter Twenty
Lily
Lily woke up alone in Nate’s colossal bed. She’d never seen a bed so huge in her entire life. It was even bigger than the bed he’d bought her and she thought that was the biggest bed she’d ever seen.
She listened for a moment to the silence in the enormous room and wondered where Nate was. She rolled languorously to her side to see if there was an alarm clock and she saw it was nearly nine thirty.
She blinked at it in surpris
e. She hadn’t slept that late in years. Lily didn’t even think she had the capacity to sleep later than seven o’clock.
She rolled onto her back and contemplated the ceiling and the softness of Nate’s sheets, which were other-worldly soft.
Nate, she realised, if he was anything like he used to be, must be at work.
She threw the covers back and headed to the bathroom while thinking rather contentedly about the night before and, especially, more-than-contentedly, that morning.
Surprisingly, Nate hadn’t made love to her after they agreed to get married. He’d finally kissed her (after their mortifying exchange about contraception which she did not want to remember, ever).
But that was it.
Well, not it exactly as he kissed her a great deal throughout the evening, held her from behind and nuzzled her neck as she was talking to Fazire (luckily, Fazire knew she was usually disoriented after a migraine and thus didn’t press her as to why she was, all of a sudden, at Nate’s place in London) and linked his fingers in hers while they ate the food he’d had delivered.
Later, they finally went to bed, Lily wearing one of the nightgowns Laura had bought her. Laura didn’t purchase twenty nightgowns, she’d purchased three, four sets of underwear, two outfits, three pairs of shoes and two huge bags full to the brim with toiletries and cosmetics of every size, shape and colour. Laura could shop for England in the Olympics and win the gold medal, hands down.
Once in bed, Nate had pulled her back to his front and wrapped his arm around her waist. Then he’d pressed his face in her hair, just like he used to do and in that moment Lily had given herself the momentary luxury to allow the eight years simply to melt away.
Then, she laid in bed waiting. Nothing.
“Um… Nate?” she’d whispered into the dark room.
“Mm?” The murmur sounded behind her and his arm tightened about her waist.
She didn’t know what to say. So she said, “Never mind.”
She realised she was slightly disappointed. Then she realised she was more-than-slightly disappointed. She hadn’t exactly gone there to throw herself at him just piece her family back together. But they had just agreed to pledge their troth. Certainly some sort of celebratory consummation effort was in order.
“You’re not yourself,” Nate said softly.