“I thought you might have called upon me last night,” I said over breakfast the next day as I buttered some toast. I said it casually, like it wasn’t cutting through me like a knife and hurting – which it was.
“I’m sorry, my darling, I got caught up dancing and Snow didn’t want to stop,” the king replied, equally as casual. I nodded, not wanting to cause a fuss.
“Perhaps you can make it up to me today by coming riding with me? We could take a picnic down to the lake,” I suggested. The weather was beautiful, to be indoors would have been a crime.
“I want to walk in the woods,” Snow piped up. It was the first time she had actually participated in the conversation since she joined us. “Daddy, please say you’ll walk in the woods with me?”
The king looked between us and I instantly knew which activity he would choose. I tried not to let my heartbreak show on my face. Their time together was important too, I just had to give Snow time to adjust.
“The woods sound like fun too,” I sighed, plastering my face with a smile.
“Walking in the woods it is then,” my husband said cheerily. I could only hope he appreciated my sacrifices. It wasn’t exactly how I planned to spend my first day of marriage.
And yet that first day was exactly how every other day of our marriage went. I would plan to do something, my husband would agree, and then Snow would want to do something else. I always let her have her way, fearing she wouldn’t like me otherwise. All my ladies in waiting told me I should stand up to her, lest she do it forever. But I couldn’t. I wanted to have a daughter so badly and I was certain she would eventually come around.
Two years later, I was still waiting. Right up to the day when my husband lost his life. He was killed while out hunting with his men. They were only supposed to be gone for a few hours and yet they never returned.
When I was told, it was like my entire world had broken into a thousand pieces. I had expected to spend the rest of my life with the king, we would grow old together and live in complete happiness forever. I will always remember that moment as the worst moment of my life.
Snow was even more difficult to deal with after that. She didn’t take the news well either. She called everyone a liar and stormed out of the room, breaking an expensive vase on the way out. I tried to run after her and offer my shoulder in comfort but she wouldn’t accept it. Somehow, she had thought the whole thing my fault. Like he wouldn’t have been killed had we not been married.
She was angry, I understood. I gave her space and continued to let her come to me when she was ready. I had to run the kingdom now until she was old enough to claim the throne. When she was married, that was the time the law said she was ready.
I took comfort in the last gift my husband had given me – a mirror to sit on my wall. It was oval and surrounded with gold. He had told me it was magical and taught me how to use it. If I spoke to the glass, it talked back. Apparently it was enchanted.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most beautiful of them all?” I would ask it. The mirror was supposed to then reflect my own face back and tell me it was me. My husband said it was to remind me how lovely I was when he wasn’t around to tell me. Now that he was gone, his words cut even deeper.
The burden of running the kingdom took a heavy toll on me. I never realized how much the king did until it was all up to me. He worked hard ensuring his people were happy and had enough of everything to live a comfortable life. It was no easy feat. I did my best but I was certain everyone thought I wasn’t up to his standard. I agreed, but I was trying so hard.
One morning, it was just like every other morning, I was having breakfast. Snow had joined me but had not said a word. I tried to engage her in conversation. It was just the two of us in the room, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to even if I wanted to.
“That is a very pretty dress you have on today,” I commented, trying to be nice.
“My dress is none of your business,” Snow replied insolently. It irked me but I couldn’t let her get to me. I wouldn’t let her push me away when she needed me the most.
“Is it new?” She just stared at her food. “I was thinking of going into town today to visit the people, would you like anything while I’m there?”
All of a sudden, she stood up and threw her fork down onto her plate, sending it careening to the ground and breaking. The noise echoed around the palace walls. “You are not my mother! You have no right to talk to me. My father never even loved you, he was only using you to look after me.”
She stormed out of the room once her venomous words were lingering in the air. I knew I shouldn’t take her words to heart but it was a little difficult. She was always saying things like that. For some reason, she got it into her head that her father was looking for a replacement mother for Snow instead of a wife. According to her, he never wanted another wife after he deeply loved his first one so much.
I knew the king loved me like a husband should. Yet as much as I told myself that, it seemed like there was always Snow’s voice reminding me that I was wrong. It was like I couldn’t remember my husband now without hearing her words. She was ruining his memory for me and I hated it.
Every time I got upset, I would retreat to my mirror and ask it the question my husband told me to. Each time, it would tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the land and I would think of my king. It always brought a smile to my lips.
So I couldn’t hate Snow, not after she had lost both of her parents. Instead of attending to her myself, because clearly that wasn’t working, I organized for Snow to have the best nannies and tutors that the kingdom could buy.
Over the next two years, I left her alone. I would get regular reports from the nannies and Snow was recovering well. My only concern was her temper. Apparently she still held a great deal of anger within her.
She was approaching the age of marriage and I feared putting the burden of the kingdom on her unstable shoulders. I didn’t want to make her anger worse, I knew how difficult the job was. I was torn about what I should do and what the king would want me to do, so I continued on ruling until I knew she was ready for it.
She didn’t like it that I was the queen. I think she wanted me to abdicate the moment her father passed so she could take over ruling. I stuck to my promise of being a mother to her and wouldn’t do it. We continued to avoid each other until our meeting was inevitable at the age of sixteen.