Asa only heats the pool for big parties.
Shit.
I spin around at the knock on the bedroom door. "Sloan!"
I rush to the door and unlock it, letting Asa inside. He's smiling before he even makes eye contact with me. "Hey, future wife."
Funny how what he deems a term of endearment can feel like an insult to me.
"Hey...future husband."
He wraps his arm around me and kisses my neck. "I hope you got a lot of sleep last night, cuz you aren't getting any tonight." His lips drag up my neck and stop at the corner of my mouth. "Do you want your ring now or later?"
I fail to tell him I already looked at it, and that the ring just serves as further proof that he doesn't know me at all. I tell him I want it now, because if I say later, that means he'll make a big production out of it. That's the last thing I want.
He reaches over to the dresser and grabs the box. He hands it to me, but then he pulls it back. "Wait. Gotta do this right."
He lowers himself to one knee and lifts the box up, presenting the ring to me. "Will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Asa Jackson?"
Seriously? This has to be the worst proposal in history. If you don't count the one he gave this morning right after he had his hand around my throat.
"I already said yes, silly," I say to him.
He grins and slips the ring on my finger. I look at it, holding it up to the light. I didn't know Hell had so much sparkle.
Asa stands up and walks over to the closet. He pulls off the blue shirt he's wearing and begins to choose a different one. "We should match tonight," he says. "Black shirt, black dress." He pulls out a shirt and then throws a dress in my direction. I catch it. "I'll be so relieved when we have our own place soon. Separate closets."
My hands make fists around the dress. "Our own place?"
He laughs. "You don't think I'm going to marry you and keep you in this house, do you?"
"Keep me?"
He pulls the black shirt over his head. He starts laughing to himself as he's buttoning it up. "I had lunch with Carter today," he says casually, sitting on the bed.
Lunch? What? Our class together ended at lunchtime. Carter left class after making me feel the things I felt, and then went directly to lunch with Asa?
Why?
I sit on the opposite end of the bed and attempt to sound disinterested. "Oh yeah?"
Asa begins pulling on a pair of socks. "He's not so bad. I kind of like him. Might even ask him to be a groomsman in our wedding."
He's already planning the wedding?
Asa slips on his shoes and stands up, turning toward the mirror. He runs both hands through his hair. "Have you thought about who you'll ask to be your bridesmaids? You don't really have any friends, do you?"
You make it kind of difficult for me to have friends, Asa.
"We just got engaged this morning," I say to him. "Then I had class all day. I haven't really had time to think about the details of a wedding."
"You could ask Jess to be a bridesmaid," he says.
I nod, but internally I'm laughing. Jess hates me. I don't know why, but the girl hasn't looked my direction in six months, no matter how much I try to reach out. "Yeah," I say. "I could ask Jess."
Asa opens the bedroom door and motions toward the dress still fisted tightly in my hands. "Take a shower and get ready. I want you dolled up tonight for the big announcement."
The door closes behind him. I look down at the dress. I look down at my ring.
This hole I'm digging for myself is getting deeper and deeper. If I don't figure out how to climb out of it, Asa's going to fill it with cement.
Asa likes my hair best when it's straight. I know this, because there have been a couple of times I've put some curl in it and he's asked me to redo it. The first time was right after we started dating, when he was introducing me to Jon and Jess for the first time. And once on our first anniversary when we went to dinner at a restaurant I reserved myself. The anniversary dinner I had to remind him about three times.
He said his mother had curly hair and he prefers for me to wear mine straight.
I know nothing about his family, other than he doesn't have one. And that one sentence about his mother's hair is the only time he's ever mentioned her in the years that I've known him.
Yet...here I am, standing in front of the mirror with the curling iron, adding curls to my hair. Simply because I know Carter likes them. I catch him staring at my hair sometimes when I put curl in it. Like he wishes he could touch it--slide his whole hand through my hair and pull my face to his. And even though he'll be on the opposite end of the room from me, not even looking in my direction tonight, I curl my hair. For him.
Not for my fiance.
The music is loud, the house is full of people, and I've been in my bathroom for an hour and a half getting ready. Of course an hour of that was probably spent staring at myself in the mirror, wondering how in the hell I got myself to this point in life. But I have to stop dwelling on all the bad decisions I've made and figure out how to make better ones.
I go see my brother on Sunday. Now that his care is private pay, I no longer meet with the social worker to sign his annual forms. But I think I'll schedule an appointment with her while I'm there Sunday. I want to figure out what I can do to get his benefits back in place without Asa finding out.
Someone beats on the bathroom door, so I put down the curling iron and switch it off. I open it to find Asa gripping the doorframe. His eyes run down the length of me and then back up again. "Holy fuck," he says, stepping inside the bathroom. He wraps his arm around my waist and his other hand drops to my thigh, crawling my dress up with his fingers. "I was planning on waiting until I got you in bed tonight, but I'm not sure if I can."
His breath reeks of whiskey. I doubt it's even nine o'clock yet and he's halfway to being comatose already.
I push against his chest. "Well, you have to wait. I just finished getting ready. I'd like to be able to torture you with this outfit for a few hours, at least."
He groans and pushes me onto the counter, pressing himself between my legs. "Sloan, how can one guy be so fucking lucky?"
I close my eyes while he kisses down my shoulder. How can one girl be so unlucky?
He grips my waist and pulls me off the counter. He doesn't set me on my feet, though. He scoops me up in his arms and I'm forced to grab him around the neck to steady myself. He carries me out of the bathroom and down the stairs. Before we reach the bottom, he stops and sets me on my feet. "Wait here," he says, disappearing down the rest of the steps and into the kitchen.
I look around the living room at all the people. So many fucking people. My eyes catch Jess's stare and I smile at her. She looks away, but I'm almost certain she cringes before doing so.
I have no idea what I've done to her or why she hates me so much. But honestly, I'm used to people treating me like she treats me. I stopped worrying myself sick about it before I even reached high school.
I bring the fingers of my right hand over to my left and I twist the ring around nervously. I guess the one positive aspect of this ring being so big is that I could probably use it in self-defense. Might come in handy if I find myself alone with Jon again.
I can feel the anxiousness crawl into my stomach before I even notice him staring. Carter is on the other side of the living room. He's leaning against the wall, next to Dalton. His arms are folded together and--true to his word--he's not looking directly at me. Technically. He's looking down at my hand.
I stop twisting the ring, and when I do, his eyes flick up to mine. They're narrowed, his jaw set tight. Dalton is standing next to him, laughing and talking like Carter is completely engaged in whatever he's saying. But just like Carter said earlier, he can't see anything else--he only sees me. His expression doesn't waver. Even when Asa returns with two glasses of champagne and forces one of them into my hands, Carter still doesn't look away. It's almost as if he's torturing himself on purpose.
&nbs
p; I try to save him a little bit of pain and look away first. It probably doesn't help that I look up at Asa. I can still feel Carter's eyes on me as Asa raises his glass.
"Fuckers!" he yells. "Turn off the music!"
A few seconds later, the music cuts off. Everyone in the room turns toward us and I suddenly want to run back up the stairs and hide. I force myself not to look at Carter.
Once Asa has everyone's attention, he says, "Most of you already know, because I haven't kept my fucking mouth shut since she said yes." He holds up my hand. "But she said yes!"
Collective cheers and congratulations come from the room, but they quickly dwindle as it becomes apparent that Asa isn't finished speaking.
"I've loved this girl for a long time now," he says. "She's my fucking world. So it's about damn time we make it official." He smiles at me and I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something inside me that feels a little something for him--even if it is only sympathy at this point. Somewhere deep inside, I know he is the way he is because of the hand he was dealt as a child. A part of me can't fault him for that. But just because a lot of his behavior can probably be excused by whatever awful people were around him as a child, doesn't mean I'm required to subject myself to a life of unhappiness simply because he loves me.
Because he does love me. He may love me with his own twisted take on love, but he does love me. That much is obvious.
Asa points across the room. "Carter! My man! Help us celebrate this monumental occasion with a toast!"
I close my eyes. Why is he pulling Carter into this? I can't look. I can't.
"Someone get that fucker a glass of champagne!" Asa yells.
I open my eyes and slowly drag them across the room toward Carter, who still has the same expression on his face. Only this time, he's being handed a glass of champagne.
And a chair to stand on.
Fuck my life.
Asa pulls me against him and kisses the side of my head as we both watch Carter step onto the chair. The room is incredibly quiet. He's commanded the room in a way that Asa didn't even command it, and Carter hasn't even spoken a word yet. It feels like they all care more about what Carter has to say than what Asa had to say. Something I hope Asa doesn't notice.
Carter doesn't look at me. He winks at Asa and brings his glass of champagne to his mouth. He downs the entire glass in one gulp before he even makes the toast. When his glass is empty, he holds it out to Dalton, who is holding the bottle of champagne. He refills Carter's glass, and then Carter pulls it to his chest and looks straight at Asa. I can see him blow out a quick, pent up breath right before he begins speaking.
"It's hard to believe we've reached the age of engagements. Marriages. Creating families. But it's even harder to believe that Asa Jackson is the one beating us all to it."
A few laughs break out around the room.
"I've never really seen myself as the type of guy who would settle down. But after spending time with Asa and getting to know him better--witnessing firsthand how much he values his relationship with Sloan, he may have just changed my mind. Because if he can end up with a girl as beautiful as her, then maybe it's not too late for the rest of us."
People begin to raise their glasses, but Carter waves a hand in the air to hush them. I can feel Asa tense at my side, but I've been tense since Carter started speaking.
"I'm not finished," Carter says, his eyes roaming over the crowd. "Asa Jackson deserves a longer toast than this, you impatient fuckers."
More laughs.
Carter downs his second glass of champagne and then waits for Dalton to refill it for a third time. My pulse is racing so hard, I'm praying Asa doesn't grab my wrist and feel it.
"While Sloan is very, very beautiful," Carter says, making sure not to look at me. "Looks have shit-all to do with love. Love isn't found in the attraction you have to someone. Love isn't found in the laughter you share. Love isn't even found in all the things you have in common. Love is not, in any way, shape, or form, defined by nor found in the abundance of bliss it brings two people." He downs his third glass of champagne and with the same routine, Dalton fills Carter's glass for a fourth time. I take a sip of my own glass now that my mouth and throat have completely run dry.
"Love," Carter says, his voice a little more slurred and a little bit louder. "Love is not found. Love finds."
Carter's eyes move across the room until they land on mine. "Love finds you in the forgiveness at the tail end of a fight. Love finds you in the empathy you feel for someone else. Love finds you in the embrace that follows a tragedy. Love finds you in the celebration after the conquering of an illness. Love finds you in the devastation after the surrender to an illness."
Carter raises his glass. "To Asa and Sloan. May love find you in every tragedy you face."
The room erupts in cheers.
My heart erupts in my chest.
Asa's mouth finds mine and he kisses me, then he's gone. Disappeared into the crowd of people clamoring to pat him on the back, congratulate him, and inflate his ego.
I'm left standing on the stairs, staring at the guy who is still standing on his chair, staring back at me.
He stares for several seconds and I can't look away. Then he downs his fourth glass of champagne, wipes his mouth, and steps off the chair, disappearing into the crowd.
I put my hand on my stomach and release all the breath I've been holding since he began his speech.
Love finds you in the tragedies.
That's certainly where Carter found me. In the midst of a series of tragedies...
My eyes scan the crowd until I spot Asa on the other side of the room, staring straight at me. Suspicion has replaced the smile that's been affixed to his face all afternoon. His eyes are focused on mine with the same intensity mine were just focused on Carter's.
I can't even find the strength to fake a smile.
Asa downs a shot and slams it on the table next to him. Kevin refills it and he downs that one. Then another. His gaze never once wavers from mine.
"Another."
"That's five already, Asa," Kevin says. "It's barely after nine. You'll be out by ten if you keep this up."
I tear my eyes from Sloan and glare at Kevin. He concedes, pouring the sixth shot, and I down it. When I look back at the stairs, she's gone.
I glance around the room, but I don't see her. I immediately part through the crowd and make my way up the stairs, toward our bedroom.
When I open the door, I find her sitting on the bed, staring down at her hand. She glances up at me and smiles, but it looks forced. It looks forced a lot here lately.
"Why are you up here?" I ask her.
She shrugs. "You know I don't like parties."
She used to. Just like she used to sleep naked. On her stomach.
I take two steps until I'm standing in front of her, looking down on her. "What'd you think of Carter's toast?"
She wets her lips and shrugs again. "It was a little hard to follow. Kind of confusing, actually."
I nod, watching her reaction carefully. "Was it? Is that why you were staring at him after I walked away?"
She tilts her head a little, a move people make when they're confused. Or maybe it's a move people make when they're only pretending to be confused.
The one thing about Sloan that I don't like is that she's smart. Smarter than most girls. Even smarter than a lot of men I know. She might even be a good liar, because I've yet to catch her in one. I lower my hand to the side of her face and tilt her gaze up to mine. "I've already asked you this once. This is the last time, Sloan."
If I didn't know better, I'd say she was trembling. Could be the six shots rushing through my bloodstream, though. I trail my fingers across her cheekbone. I pause at her lips and then slowly trace them. "Do you want to fuck him?"
Her neck stiffens and she pulls away. "Asa, don't be ridiculous," she says, dismissing my question.
I shake my head. "I'm not stupid, Sloan, so don't treat me like I am. I saw the way yo
u looked at him downstairs. And I'm still not sure I'm convinced it wasn't his name you were moaning in your sleep last night. So tell me...do you want to fuck him? Do you think about his mouth on you?"
She shakes her head. "Don't do this again, Asa. You're drunk. It makes you paranoid." She stands up to come face-to-face with me, and my hand slides down to her waist. She looks me dead in the eyes. "I don't give a fuck about Carter. I don't even know him. I have no idea why you keep bringing him up, but if he bothers you so much, fire him. Don't allow him in our house again. I couldn't care less, Asa, and if you're this threatened by him, do something about it. If I wanted anyone else, I wouldn't be wearing this ring."
She holds up her left hand and smiles. "It's beautiful, by the way," she says, admiring the ring. "I was a little speechless earlier, so I forgot to tell you how perfect it is."
I'm either a delusional fuck or she's the best goddamn liar I've ever met. If I'm forced to choose between the two, I choose the former.
I wrap my arms around her waist. "Come downstairs," I tell her. "I want my eyes on you all night."
She gives me a peck on the cheek. "I will in half an hour. I want to stare at my ring for a little bit before all the girls downstairs start demanding to try it on." She twists the ring on her finger, admiring it again.
Girls. They're so easy to please. I should start buying her more fucking jewelry.
I release her and head to the door. "Don't wait too long, you have a lot of shots to catch up on." I open the door to walk out, but pause when she calls my name. I turn around and she's sitting back down on the bed.
"I love you," she says, her sweet lips curling around those words. It makes me fucking ache to be inside her.
I will be. Later.
"I know you do, baby. You'd be stupid not to."
I close the door and walk back downstairs. I probably shouldn't have said that to her, but I'm still a little bitter with the way she made me feel when I caught her staring at Carter. When I cross the room, Kevin is still standing at the table with all the liquor. I grab a shot out of his hand. "One more," I say, pointing at the bottle and downing the one in my hand. I'll need about double what I've already had to get over the way my blood was boiling at the thought of Carter and Sloan.