“Be right back,” I said before moving down the hall and into the master bedroom.
I hadn’t spent a single night in here since Crew left. The only time I came in here was to grab fresh clothes, and I’d come to dread even those few minutes there. This room, as welcoming as it appeared, was my own private hell. It was saturated with bad memories and feelings. The chamber where Crew used his body to misuse mine, in so many more ways than one.
Rushing through the bedroom, I went into the bathroom and kneeled in front of my sink. I had to reach deep inside the cupboard to find it, but I guessed I’d remember the feel of the plastic soap box in my next life too. After pulling it out, I popped it open and picked up what I kept hidden inside. My hand closed around it, feeling the cool metal warm in my palm.
When I left the master bedroom, I sealed the door behind me, then I made my way back to him. He was still standing at the window, staring out it like he could see things I couldn’t. When he heard me coming, he turned away from the window.
“Here. You’re going to need these.”
His gaze went to the tags hanging from my hand, something sparking in his eyes. “But I’m not leaving.”
Lifting the chain, I dropped it around his head. The tags clattered down his chest, swinging into place. “But you’re not staying either.”
His shoulders tensed when he realized what I was getting at. “I’ll be right next door.”
“I know.” I stared at the window over his shoulder. “But it’ll feel like you’re on the other side of the world.”
His tongue worked into his cheek. “You should keep them. You’ve had them this long. I want you to.”
My head shook as I backed a few steps away when he started to slide off the chain. “The only reason I had those was because I thought you were dead. I’d rather not have them and know you’re alive.” I wrapped my arms around my body. “Somewhere.”
“Somewhere?” I heard the puzzled note in his voice. “I’ll be right here. Fifty feet away. I’m not going anywhere. Not without you. Not until you.”
My weight shifted. “Thirteen years, Brecken. That’s a long time. I don’t expect you to wait for me. I don’t want you to wait that long for me.”
He moved farther away from the window, closer to me. “What do you mean?”
My eyes closed so I could concentrate. “I want you to be happy. I want you to live your life and make up for lost time.” My breath was echoing in my ears, my heartbeat sounding far away. “I don’t want you to spend the next decade and a half waiting for some damaged girl who’s only going to be more broken when she gets to you.”
Brecken let out a sharp huff. “I am happy. I am living my life and making up for lost time. I am going to spend the next decade and a half waiting for the woman I love, no matter what condition she comes to me in.” My eyes opened to see him stab his finger at the space between us. “I’m staying right here.”
“You’ll be living next door to the woman you love and the man she married. For years and years. Don’t put yourself through that kind of torture, not again.”
His finger lifted to land on me. His chest was moving hard, his eyes darker than normal. “Getting to be by you? Getting to catch a glimpse of you? Getting to hear your voice?” He exhaled sharply. “That’s fucking paradise.”
I’d been prepared to attempt to convince him to live his life, but all of the reasons I’d come up with vanished when I saw the way he was looking at me. There was love, and there was what we had. It was the kind of feeling that couldn’t be substituted or faked. It was the kind that spanned time and distance.
“Brecken …” The last of my fight flitted past my lips.
He moved toward me, lifted me in his arms, and carried me back to bed. He held me against him as I fell back asleep, his fingers tracing down the canyon of my spine.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he repeated, like a lullaby, until I’d gone under.
The sheets were a wet, tangled storm around my body again, but that wasn’t what had woken me. The sun was creeping in through the windows, but that wasn’t what had woken me either. It was Brecken beside me, writhing in his sleep, his skin shiny with sweat. He was making little gasping noises, like he couldn’t get enough air.
He’d fallen asleep, I was thankful for that, and as much as I knew he could benefit from a few more hours, I couldn’t stand to watch him suffer. Even if it was only in his sleep.
Sitting up, I said his name at the same time I dropped my hand on his chest.
His eyes flashed open, a roar emanating from his chest as he grabbed hold of me. He had me on my back, pinned to the mattress again, but this time his hands were tied around my throat.
“Brecken.” My voice came out more whisper than cry as I squirmed beneath him.
He didn’t respond. His fingers only drilled tighter into me, unfamiliar eyes staring down at me.
My hands came around his as I stared at him. “Please, Brecken.”
His grip tightened, his body quivering from the force he was exerting.
“I can’t breathe.” My words were more an enunciated gasp as I struggled for air. My fingers tried braiding through his, but they were zippered shut and searing hot against my throat.
My vision went blurry on the outside edges as my lungs labored for breath. I felt the energy draining from my body, the fight siphoning from my veins. As my fingers fell away from his, the haze started to clear from his eyes.
As soon as he realized what he was waking up to, his eyes widened and his hands instantly released my neck. He rolled off of me, moving away from the bed.
“Christ. What the fuck’s the matter with me?” He didn’t stop striding away from the bed until he’d put himself as far from me as the room would allow.
I couldn’t help but notice the extreme difference between this time and the last time I’d come between him and his nightmares. The first time, he’d pulled me close. This time, he was pushing himself away.
“Brecken—”
His hand flew in the air. “Don’t you dare tell me you’re okay. Don’t you dare.”
My throat was throbbing. My airway still felt constricted. I resisted the urge to gasp and rub my neck though. He was punishing himself enough without having to see me struggle.
“I was suffocating you.” His elbows closed around his head as he disappeared deeper into the corner. “I could have killed you.”
Quietly clearing my throat, I slid to the edge of the bed. His hand extended at me when I swung my feet over the edge, making himself clear.
“You didn’t kill me,” I said, staying where I was.
His head lifted just enough for his eyes to meet mine. “This time.”
Even though he looked away, my eyes stayed leveled on him. “You won’t kill me.”
A puff of air came from his mouth. “Some hero I am. The woman I love has to look me in the face and lie to me about believing I won’t kill her.”
Anger pulsed in my blood. “I’m not lying.”
Instead of arguing with me, he gathered up his clothes scattered around the floor. “Why didn’t you fight me off like I’ve shown you? Why didn’t you drill me in the face with your elbow? Or knee me in the fucking balls? Why didn’t you at least try to defend yourself?” He paused with his arms full of his clothes, his eyes already on the door.
“Because I don’t have to defend myself against you. Because you won’t hurt me.”
I glared at him as he slid into his clothes. Not because I was mad at him for what had happened to me, but because I was mad about what had happened to him. Mad about what had been done to him. Mad at the military and the Middle East, God and fate, the guards and his crew. I was mad at every little thing that had gone into the creation of whatever darkness he now carried inside him.
“What are you doing?” I rose out of bed after he’d finished pulling on his boots and moved toward the door.
He didn’t look back as he left. “Whatever I have to do to keep you safe.??
?
The rest of the day, I tried my best to distract myself from what had happened early that morning. I figured out pretty quickly that I wouldn’t be successful if Keenan and I stayed locked inside all day. Brecken’s truck was gone, and I didn’t see any news trucks out front, so Keenan and I left the house after breakfast, going wherever our feet decided to take us.
We started at the city pool, which was a bit of a walk, but I didn’t mind. The exercise was an effective way to unplug my mind from certain topics.
After spending the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon there, we headed to the library. It was quiet—most people seemed to be of the mind they’d rather be outside enjoying the sun—we spent the rest of the day there. We were the last ones to leave before closing.
On the walk home, Keenan and I stopped by a burger place for dinner, but he had to finish most of my meal too, because I was too distracted to eat. Now that the day was coming to an end, all of the thoughts and worries I’d drowned out during the daylight hours were creeping in.
I couldn’t ignore what had happened. I couldn’t ignore what was going to happen. Brecken had wrapped his fingers around my neck. My breath had recovered, but the linen scarf tied around my neck was concealing the proof of what had happened. I needed to talk with him. I needed him to be willing to talk with me about it. I needed him to know that even though I took it seriously, I also seriously believed he could never truly hurt me. He’d call it the justification of a victim. I’d inform him it was the truth of a survivor.
I needed to see him. Tonight. I’d already let too much time go by, knowing him and the way he could brood until he’d lowered himself to the level of pond scum. We’d have to be smart about these night terrors of his, I realized that. I probably should have used one of the maneuvers he’d taught me to free myself and snap him awake. This was an obstacle we’d have to overcome. God knew we’d traversed plenty already.
“Hey, Mom? Can I play a game on your phone?” Keenan asked as he downed the last of my fries.
I stirred myself from my thoughts to dig through my purse. “You can,” I said, doing another sweep of it. “If I’d brought it with me.”
Keenan slumped into his chair.
“Sorry, I must have left it on the charger. You can play one when we get home.” Standing, I held out my hand for him.
He still hadn’t let go of it a half hour later, when we finally made it to our street. Only six blocks to go. All of the walking today had made my feet ache and the rest of me tired. From the looks of Keenan, he was in the same shape.
“You want me to carry you the rest of the way?”
He looked up at me. “Really?”
“Really.” I scooped him up. “It won’t be long before I won’t be able to lift you at all, so I better enjoy it now.”
Keenan wound his arms around my neck and nestled his head onto my shoulder. He was quiet for about a block, and I almost thought he was asleep when he said, “Do you think Dad will come back?”
My feet kept moving, despite my insides momentarily collapsing. “Yeah, I think so. He said he will.”
Keenan’s fingers played with the back of my scarf. “But he’s broken lots of promises. Like when he said he’d take me fishing. And never did. Or when he said he’d be home for dinner and never showed up … he breaks lots of promises.”
I didn’t want to lie to my son. Just as much as I didn’t want to tell him the truth. So I stayed quiet, letting him believe whatever he wanted to.
“I hope he doesn’t keep this promise.”
My head tipped toward him. “What promise?”
“His promise to come back.” Keenan burrowed his head under my neck a little deeper.
“Keenan …”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I know that’s a bad thing to say. Don’t be mad at me.” His arms worked around me a bit tighter.
“It’s okay, baby.” I patted his back, biting my cheek to keep from crying. “Just get some rest. Just fall asleep. It’s been a long day.”
I made a few shushing noises, rubbing his back until I knew he’d fallen asleep. I managed to hold my tears inside as I carried my sleeping child the last few blocks home.
By the time I made it up the porch, my arms were burning and my legs felt the same. I managed to maneuver Keenan onto my hip to get the door unlocked and opened, then I closed it and started toward the stairs to get him tucked in. I needed to see Brecken.
As I passed the hall table, where I’d left my cell phone on the charger, my cell phone started to ring. I had an idea who the caller would be before I saw his number on the screen. Arranging Keenan in one arm, I unplugged the phone and answered it.
“Camryn.” From his voice alone, I knew something wasn’t right. “Where are you? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day.” Brecken sounded out of breath, like he was running.
I felt chills winding up my spine. “I was out with Keenan. I forgot my phone here. What’s the matter?”
“Here? Where’s here?” Brecken was definitely running, I could hear his footsteps pounding in the background. “Where are you?”
I turned around, putting my back to the wall. “Home. We just got home.”
He cursed under his breath, nothing but the echo of footsteps moving quickly coming through the phone.
“Brecken? What’s going on?” The anxious tone in my voice had returned.
“You haven’t heard? You didn’t see? There was an article that ran in the papers today. The big ones, the little ones. All of them.”
Putting the phone on speaker, I reached for the newspaper still rolled up on the table where Keenan had set it that morning. My heart drifted into my throat when I saw the front page.
There were two pictures, both of them showing Brecken and me taken last night. One was snapped as we were entering the garage, our hands connected, him grinning back at me. The other was us leaving the garage, his hand still clutching mine, my other hand smoothing down the front of my skirt. The headline read: The Hero and The Housewife Next Door: An All-American Affair.
The paper fell from my hand, my hand covering my mouth. The whole world. The entire neighborhood. Everyone knew. Or would know soon. We might not have been getting it on in his garage as the before-and-after photos suggested, but that didn’t matter. Because Brecken and I did love each other. We were having a relationship. Everyone knew.
Everyone.
“You need to leave, Camryn. You hear me? Don’t wait. Just grab Keenan, get to the car, and get out of there.” Brecken’s words were strong, but I heard the worry in his voice. I read it in the way his footsteps only seemed to come faster.
“We’ll wait for you. We’re leaving together.” My heart and head were racing as I caught up to what this meant. As I realized my whole plan had just gone to shit and I had to construct a new one on the fly.
“No! Leave now!” he shouted. “I’ve been out looking for you ever since I found out. I’m still a good twenty minutes away … please, just leave now. I’ll meet up with you later, but get you and Keenan out of that house.”
That chilling sensation wove down my spine again. “It’s twenty minutes, Brecken. Nothing’s going to change in twenty minutes. It’ll give me some time to gather a few things—”
“He checked out of the rehab center.”
My veins turned to ice.
“Camryn? Did you hear me?”
“I heard.” My hand was shaking as I reached for the phone.
“They wouldn’t tell me over the phone, so I drove my ass down here, and sure enough, he’s gone. He checked out.” He took a breath. “You know where he’s going.”
Fear. I felt it then. That living, breathing phantom. I’d known its sting before, but never like this—never like it was cutting off my oxygen at the same time it had sliced across my Achilles’ heel.
“Where are you now?” My voice was small and weak, both arms winding around Keenan to keep him from falling.
“At the park just outside of town.
I’m running to my truck now, but don’t wait. Get in the car and go. Call me once you’re driving, and we’ll figure out a place to meet. Leave.” The sound of his feet beating the ground stopped, the screech of his truck door opening following.
“Brecken?” My voice sounded as small as I felt. I couldn’t do this.
“You’re strong,” he rasped, the engine firing to life. “You are so fucking strong. Don’t forget that.”
My eyes closed as I concentrated on that. I was strong enough to stop trembling and move toward the front door. “I’m leaving,” I whispered, ending the call and shoving the phone into my back pocket.
A few more steps and I’d made it to the door. Keenan was still breathing evenly, his arms flopped over my back. I hadn’t wanted to run away, but I had no choice left. Crew knew about Brecken and me. If I didn’t leave, the next time I came face to face with him, he’d kill me.
Throwing the door open, I froze mid-step.
The look on his face confirmed my theory.
Crew’s foreboding frame was blocking the doorway, his brow curved into his forehead. His eyes took me in, clutching Keenan, my composure crumbling one brick at a time.
“Here to greet me at the door and everything?” He motioned at me, one side of his mouth carving into his cheek. “You really must have missed me.”
The whiskey vapors rolling off of him perfumed the air around me. When he moved inside, he closed the door behind him and fastened both locks.
“Crew …” As he moved closer, I backed up, scanning the dark house like I was looking for a magical escape route to show itself.
“You do remember your husband’s name. I wasn’t sure when I opened the paper today and read the front-page article.” His foot came down on the newspaper scattered on the floor. “I didn’t realize I’d married such a vulgar little slut. I mean, I was barely gone three weeks and you couldn’t keep that pussy of yours closed up?”
“Crew, stop,” I whispered, praying Keenan didn’t wake. Praying this wasn’t the one night he slept lightly.
“You made a fool out of me. Everybody knows. Everybody will know that my wife was getting plowed by the cripple next door.” His eyes flashed as he threw his arms in my direction. Then he stopped, looking like he was composing himself. The look, or lack thereof, on his face was far more worrisome than the anger.