Chapter 3
“Why did you say it like that?” asked Bill nervously.
“Say what like what?” asked Lucifer.
“You said so it has begun really ominously, like you were afraid, but if Father Time does this all the time—”
“Have you already forgotten about the Transcripts? I always say it like that. It sounds cooler for tomorrow’s press release,” said Lucifer as he handed Odysseus’ bow back to Bill.
“So it will be all over by tomorrow?” asked Bill optimistically.
“Not if you don’t start firing some arrows,” said Lucifer, pulling out his tablet and entering a series of commands.
“While you’re on your tablet?” Bill rolled his eyes.
Lucifer kept his voice even as his fingers were a blur, “I’ve got to reach my co-pilot, Plato. The only way to stop the invasion is to close the gates. And that can only be done from the outside.”
“What do you mean, close the gates. There’s more than one way in here?” asked Bill as he loosed an arrow into the middle of a group of jellyfish. A moment later, a missile fell from the sky, sending jellyfish flying in all directions and shaking the ground beneath Lucifer and Bill.
“You didn’t think the gate you passed through was the only gate? That’s just for show. There’s tons of waste-disposal—”
“Ah, got it,” said Bill as he loosed his last arrow. A jellyfish spotted them and started floating to their position.
“Uh, Lucifer,” warned Bill as he peered nervously into his empty quiver.
Without looking up from his tablet, Lucifer snapped a throwing knife from his belt into the head of the oncoming jellyfish soldier. The knife went clean through and embedded in the metal plating of tank twenty meters behind the jelly, which was slumped on the ground.
“Plato isn’t coming in. You’re coming with me, let’s go,” said Lucifer as he jogged away.
“What? Why me?” asked Bill, struggling to keep up.
“We’ve got to get outside to close the gates. I need a co-pilot,” said Lucifer as he ducked a shot from a pulser.
“We’re going outside Heaven?” asked Bill.
“That’s right,” Lucifer yelled over the loud whistling of an incoming missile. Lucifer and Bill dove into a trench as the missile impacted a nearby tank.
“Technically, you’re not allowed to leave Heaven, but I think this qualifies as an emergency. If we don’t shut the gates, we’re going to be outnumbered fast,” said Lucifer with a grunt as he vaulted over the side of the trench, Bill close behind.
In a few moments they came across a large hole in the ground. Bill followed Lucifer down the stony steps. The air grew musty as they descended quickly into the depths of Heaven. Bill looked around the cave when they reached the bottom, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. With a woosh a dozen torches ignited simultaneously, lining the walls with flickering light and revealing a straight, narrow passageway.
“Where are we going?” asked Bill as the pair strode deeper into the cave.
“Once we reach the hangar, we can get a ship, go outside Heaven, and activate the manual gate override button,” explained Lucifer. They reached the end of the dimly lit hall and turned a corner, revealing a large hanger with one small VW Bug in the center.
“Get in!” said Lucifer as he opened the driver’s side door.
“This is a car, not a ship. A really small car,” complained Bill.
Lucifer shrugged, “Twenty-eight miles per gallon city, thirty-five miles per gallon vacuum.”
“Vacuum?” asked Bill, confused.
“Buckle up.” Lucifer turned the keys in the ignition and the car coughed.
“For the record, Lucifer, I don’t trust you one bit. I’m only getting in to help save Heaven,” warned Bill.
“Whatever lets you sleep at night, Bill. Come on,” shouted Lucifer as he repeatedly twisted the keys, the VW Bug making pathetic sputtering sounds. Lucifer banged both his fists on the dashboard, cracking the speedometer cover. With a loud grumble, the Bug roared to life. “Never lets me down,” said Lucifer as he gunned the engine. The ceiling parted in front of them to reveal the sky and the Bug flew out. Bill’s teeth were chattering; the Bug was vibrating relentlessly, and the engine was so loud he couldn’t even hear himself think. Bill looked to his right and saw a cork plugging a hole in the driver’s side window. With a groan, he shut his eyes tight and held on to his seat.
Lucifer brushed Bill’s shoulder, causing him to open his eyes. Lucifer said something, but all Bill saw was moving lips. Bill threw his hands up and mouthed, What? Lucifer pointed in front of them; a dark hole in the sky was opening up to allow the Bug through. Then, they were outside Heaven, and the hole closed behind them.
Bill’s jaw dropped. In front of him were more stars than he could count. Lucifer shut off the engine.
“Are we in space?” asked Bill incredulously as he looked at all the stars. Below him, the giant spinning metal disk of Heaven rotated leisurely.
“Of course,” said Lucifer as he turned around and rummaged in the backseat.
“Heaven is inside a metal disk? How does Earth not spot you, the thing looks like a UFO,” observed Bill.
“Ah, look in the back window. We stay behind the moon,” said Lucifer as he pulled out a paintball gun from a duffel bag, “here we are.”
Bill snapped his head sideways to look behind him. There it was; the moon. Light grey, magnificent, desolate. Bill’s jaw slackened as he took it in.
Lucifer reached up to his window and popped out the cork sticking out. A wooshing sound filled the cabin of the Bug as air rushed out the hole into the vacuum of space. Just as quickly, Lucifer jammed the barrel of the paintball gun into the hole.
“What are you —” Bill started, but he was cut off by a dull thump of the paintball gun firing. The Bug started to slow down.
“You’re steering us with a paintball gun? There’s no better way?” asked Bill as he palmed his forehead.
“You catch on quick; there is no better way. Something that aerospace engineers on Earth have yet to catch onto,” said Lucifer as he tilted the barrel to the right and fired off three more rounds. The Bug was drifting back towards Heaven. From this vantage point, they could see thousands of jellyfish swarming the metal disk.
“Lucifer,” said Bill, “those angels were dying. Sisyphus died…is that…what happens to people who die in Heaven?” sputtered Bill.
Lucifer shrugged, “There must be a dozen different religions in Heaven that try to explain the after-after-life, but no one really knows.”
“So Sisyphus is going to a new Heaven?” asked Bill.
“It’s possible that he’s going into another after-life, with a whole other God; we could just be one rung in a really big ladder,” speculated Lucifer. Bill relaxed his shoulders and nodded.
“Alternatively, he could have just popped out of existence. Equally plausible. Pop,” said Lucifer cheerfully. Bill let out a sigh as he looked out the window at Heaven below.
“There it is,” Lucifer pointed at the top of Heaven; a giant red hexagon platform was elevated dead center on the metal disk. “Landing on the red hexagon will trigger the waste-disposal gates to close.”
“What about that?” asked Bill as he pointed to a much smaller green square jutting out next to the red hexagon.
“We don’t want to land on that. Nor will we—the chances of hitting it are a million to one,” said Lucifer.
Heaven was looming larger and larger as the Bug got closer, and now the individual waving tentacles of the jellyfish were visible.
“I’ll keep the jellies at bay. You good to drive?” asked Lucifer as he climbed into the back seat.
“Me?” asked Bill, “I’ve never even shot a paintball gun, how do you expect me to steer with one? In space?”
“Think of it as a learning experience,” said Lucifer as he pushed a few buttons on his tablet. The trunk popped open, revealing a ballista seated in the trunk.
“Just remember: we m
ay be above the moon, but we’re orbiting the Earth. That means to adjust your speed, you adjust your elevation. Up means slower, down means faster. As we decrease our elevation to reach Heaven, we’re going to be moving faster, so you need to time it just right.”
Bill gave a resigned shrug and reached for the handle of the paintball gun. He fired a few shots from the paintball gun, steering them closer to the red platform on top of Heaven. The Bug jerked slightly as the ballista sprang forward, releasing a giant net hurtling towards the group of jellyfish soldiers trying to funnel their way into Heaven through a waste-disposal gate.
“Almost there,” said Bill, his tongue peeping out of his mouth in concentration. He let out a burst of paintballs and the Bug neared the target.
“Good flying, keep it up. You’re a natural,” said Lucifer as he tapped his tablet, sending another ballista shot into the innumerable swarm of jellyfish.
“Nearly there!” said Bill. He fired off another round of paintballs. The Bug was only three meters from the edge of the red hexagon. They were passing over the green square platform now. Bill confidently fired off another paintball shot. He looked back for approval from Lucifer, but Lucifer’s eyes were set as he concentrated on sending ballista shots into the crowd of jellyfish. The wheels of the bug were just about to hit the red hexagon when a jellyfish splattered on the windshield, startling Bill. His fingers tensed and he fired a long burst of paintballs. In the wrong direction. The Bug veered off course and touched down on the green square.
“Touchdown?” asked Lucifer