‘So it’s you,’ nodded the man. ‘And if you think it’s a bit suspicious me going off early like this, well then, you can go on thinking. I didn’t feel well. You shouldn’t have done what you did, threatening me like that. And I see that all you’ve managed to pull in is that kid there. Easy, isn’t it, taking kids to the police-station and getting them to talk.’
‘What does he say about me?’ asked Alan fearfully.
‘All right,’ said Hillier and, to the man, ‘Zamolchi!’
‘That’s all you can say, isn’t it? But you won’t say zamolchi to that kid there. Oh, no, you’ll get him to talk. Well, he won’t say anything about me because he doesn’t know me and I don’t know him. It’s the higher-ups you ought to be going for, the head waiter and the Direktor and all that lot. All right, I’ve said my say.’ And he took out his old copy of Sport and intently examined a photograph of a women’s athletic team. But when the tram arrived on the boulevard with the mulberries and Hillier and Alan started to get off, he called: ‘Samozvanyets!’
‘What does that mean?’ asked Alan.
‘That’s what you called me that evening in the bar. When you recognised that I knew nothing about typewriters. I think,’ said Hillier, ‘I’d better turn myself into a sort of neutral.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Cap off and raincoat on. This is where my imposture starts to end.’
A boy and a bareheaded man in a white raincoat and riding-boots walked quickly down the rain-wet road that led to the dock-gates. Suddenly the quiet that should have cooed with sailors and their pick-ups erupted into mature festal cries and the roar and spit of an old motor. Its exhaust pluming, a crammed grey bus was going their way, though somewhat faster. ‘It’s our crowd,’ said Alan, wincing on the ‘our’. ‘They’ve had their gutsing dinner. She’ll be there, bitch.’
‘In that case,’ said Hillier, ‘we’ll have to run again. She mustn’t get on board before we do.’
‘Why?’
‘There will be a time,’ puffed running Hillier. ‘Be patient.’
The well-dined passengers were already leaving the bus by the time Alan and Hillier reached the gates. ‘Too many figs,’ said somebody. ‘I warned her.’ A woman, not Mrs Walters, was being helped off, green. There was a powerful tang of raw spirits being laughed around.
‘There she is,’ said Alan. ‘Last off, with that blond beast.’ They pushed into the heart of the passport-waving queue, Hillier still panting. Soon there would be no more of that, slyness and nimbleness and hatchets; he foresaw mild autumn sun, a garden chair, misty air flawed by the smoke of mild tobacco. He felt for a passport and found several. He was inclined to shuffle them and deal at random – bearded Innes; dead Wriste; samozvanyets Jagger; true, shining, opting-out Hillier: take one, any.
‘By God,’ said a man to Hillier, ‘you’ve been attacking the flesh-pots and no error.’ He punched Hillier lightly in the peaked cap that was hidden under the belted raincoat. ‘Nice pair of boots you’ve got there, old man,’ said somebody else. ‘Where did you pick those up? Look, Alice, there’s a lovely bit of Russian leather.’ People, including the guard at the gate, began to peer at Hillier’s legs: a space was hollowed out round him, the better to peer. ‘I don’t feel at all the thing,’ said the green woman. Hillier shoved in, showing a picture of himself. The gate-guard compared truth and image sourly, the speed of his comparison forming a slowish nod, then grunted Hillier through. He and Alan quickly inserted themselves into a complex of belching men but found their shipward progress too slow. They sped to the view of the ship, lighted, immaculate, safe, England. But England wasn’t safe any more. At the foot of the gangway well-fleshed men and women, panting under a load of Black Sea provender safely stowed, were starting to labour up. Up there he saw no Clara smiling in greeting and relief. The rail was lined with jocular wavers, but Hillier remained careful, thrusting his nose, as into a blown Dorothy Perkins, into a fat back and keeping it there. ‘Have a good time, sir?’ asked a voice at the top of the gangway. It was Wriste’s winger-pal. ‘Ta once again for the Guinness,’ he added. Hillier said to Alan: ‘See you in Clara’s cabin,’ and then rushed towards the nearest companionway, seeking A-Deck. The ship hummed with emptiness, but it would soon fill with drink-seekers, thirsty for something dryer, colder, less fierily crude than what Yarylyuk could afford. He dashed down corridors of aseptic perfume and discreet light, at last finding his own. Here was Mrs Walters’s cabin.
Inside, the bedclothes hardly rucked, snored a calm sleeper: S. R. Polotski, aged 39, born Kerch, married, the dirty swine. Hillier rapidly took off Wriste’s raincoat, emptied the tunic of all that he owned or had acquired, then stripped to his shirt and pants. He neatly laid S. R. Polotski’s uniform on the bedside chair and placed his boots at the foot of the bunk. Then, raincoat on again, the pockets stuffed, he went to his own cabin. He opened the door cautiously: there was no smell as of harmful visitors, only the ghost of Clara’s too-adult perfume lingered. He poured himself the last of the Old Mortality and drank it neat. He regretted the end of that useful, though money-loving, shipboard Wriste, then he shuddered to think how easy it was to regard a human being as a mere function. Was that what was meant by being neutral – a machine rather than a puppet-stage for the enactment of the big fight against good, or against evil? He put on a lightweight suit, knotting the tie with care. He was going to see Clara. His heart thumped, but no longer with fear.
But it was with fear that he listened outside her door, his hand on the knob. Those rhythmical screams, inhuman but like the noises made by some human engine – the screaming machine that welcomes holiday gigglers to the sixpenny Chamber of Horrors. He went in. On the bunk lay Alan prone, screaming. Clara was sitting on the bunk with him, her hair disarrayed in distress, going ‘Hush now, hush dear, everything will be all right.’ Seeing Hillier with hard hardly-focused eyes, she said: ‘You’ve done this to us. I hate you.’ And she got up and made for Hillier with her tiny claws, scarlet-painted beyond her years as in a school parody of flesh-tearing. Hillier could have wept out the whole horror of life in a single concentrated spasm. But he grabbed her hands and said: ‘We all have to be baptised. Both your baptisms have been heroic’
From the corridor came louder screams than any of which Alan was capable. Full rich womanly outrage called. Alan was shocked into silence, listening, tear-streaked and open-mouthed. They listened all three. Poor S. R. Polotski, the dirty swine. Soon there were harsh male voices under the screams, two of them sounding marine and official.
‘Unheroic,’ said Clara as they heard protesting Russian somehow being kicked off. Her hands relaxed.
‘Shall we,’ said Hillier, ‘have a large cold supper in my cabin? I’ll ring for – Stupid of me,’ he added.
‘But that’s the best way to look at him, I suppose,’ said Alan. ‘Just somebody nobody can ring for any more.’
7
From Roper’s Memoirs1
The trouble with Lucy was she wanted to be in charge. She wanted to be a wife, but I already had one of those, wherever she was, and I didn’t want another. It was all right Lucy coming to the house and giving it a bit of a tidy-up and insisting on getting laundry together and cooking the odd meal. That was all right, although the meals were always finicking what she called exotic dishes, vine-leaves wrapped round things and lasagne and whatnot. It was better to have these working parties in the house (though what did I really want with a house now?) so that she could be sort of swallowed up among the others while we got on with this pamphlet about science in society. Some nights when we’d finished work and I tried to sneak off on my own saying I’d got to see somebody, she used to ask who I was going to see, and then I couldn’t think who I was going to see, not knowing many people in London now except those we both worked with. All I wanted was a quiet sandwich in a pub and then perhaps to go to the cinema, all on my own. But sometimes I had to take work home and then she said she’d cook something for me, so as not to waste m
y time doing it myself, and she’d be quite content to sit quiet, so she said, with a book. I saw that if I didn’t watch out we’d be on to sex, and that was something I didn’t particularly want, not with Lucy anyway.
Why not? I suppose she was attractive enough in her very thin way, but I’d got used to a different sort of woman, bad as she was. But the badness wasn’t her fault, I kept telling myself. If there’d been no woman in the house I wouldn’t have been perpetually reminded of Brigitte, reminded that is by contrast. I still had something of Brigitte, namely photographs, and it was because Lucy was around that I took to comforting myself with photographs which recalled happier times – Brigitte on a rock at the seaside posing as a sort of Lorelei, Brigitte wearing her frothy décolleté evening dress, Brigitte demure in a simple frock. They were a comfort sometimes to take to bed.1 It was when I went down with a bit of stomach trouble that things got a bit out of hand. I rang up to say I wouldn’t be coming to the lab and then I went back to bed with a hot water bottle. It was I think gastric flu. I knew there was no way out of what was going to happen that evening, but I felt too ill to care very much. Well, she turned up at about five, having got off early and everybody would wink and know why, and then she was in her element, florence nightingaling all over the house in for some reason her white lab coat. She gave me bicarb and hot milk and two hot water bottles (one of them was Brigitte’s and as if Brigitte was being vindictive even in her absence it started to leak so I threw it out) and smoothed my Fevered Brow. She said I ought not to be left that night and besides there was the question of seeing how I was in the morning, so she insisted on making up the bed in the spare room. Naturally I was grateful but I knew there would be a Reckoning.
The Reckoning came three days later when I was feeling a good deal better and thinking of getting up. She said no, see how I was when she came back that evening and perhaps the next day something might be done about my getting up. It was a very cold day in late November and she returned from work shivering. I suppose I should never have suggested to her that she have a hot water bottle that night instead of me, me being very warm now, and I told her not to take the one that leaked. But she did, either by accident or design, perhaps the latter, and she came into my room to say that she couldn’t possibly sleep in a damp bed. Well, there we were then. She just lay there and I just lay there as though we were side by side in lounging chairs on a crowded deck, then she said she still felt very cold and came closer. Then I said: You’ll catch my flu. She said: There are things more important than catching flu. Before I knew what was happening we’d started. I suppose the sweating got rid of the last of the flu, and I sweated a long time.
I sweated a long time because I was able to just go on and on, nothing happening to me at all. It was like acting it on the stage. That school group photograph was just about visible in the light from the street lamp and I could see Father Byrne and Hillier and O’Brien and Pereira and the others very dimly. After an hour they must have got very bored with the performance. Mine, anyway. She thought it was marvellous and kept going oh oh darling oh I never knew it could be like this and don’t stop. It was all right for her but there was nothing in it for me. I tried to imagine it was somebody else – a girl in one of the offices with the same black sweater on every day giving off a great aroma of stew and earwax but with huge breasts on her, a half-caste girl singer on the television whose dresses were cut very low so that the camera always deliberately tried to make her look naked, a big-buttocked woman in the local supermarket. All the time I was trying to avoid Brigitte but at last I had to bring her in and then it was different. At last I was able to bring it to an end and then she cried out very loud and afterwards said: Darling, was it as good for you as it was for me?
Somebody in some book on sex said that the biggest sin a man can commit with a woman is to do it and pretend you’re doing it with somebody else. That seems to me very mystical. I mean, who knows you’re pretending except you? Unless, of course, you’re going to bring God into it. What the book should have said was the danger of calling the real woman by the name of the imagined one. But Lucy was very good about that. She even said: Poor darling, you must have loved her very much and she hurt you very badly, didn’t she? And then she said: Never mind, when we’re really together I’ll make you happier than she ever could. And I’ll never leave you. What Lucy meant was getting married. We’re as good as married now, aren’t we. darling, except that I’m still not Mrs Roper. She had a wedding ring though, her dead mother’s she said it was, and she would use it as a kind of stimulator in bed, as though she thought that was why married women wore wedding rings.
But she couldn’t drive Brigitte out. She was making me bring Brigitte back again. Every night. And she herself had brought all her clothes and little knick-knacks from her flat and then she gave up the flat. But I’d never asked her to come and settle in and share my bed, had I? It was what they call a liberty. But I couldn’t tell her to get out, could I? One day she said that people in the Institute were talking and that it was about time I did something about a divorce. So then I went out and got drunk. I wasn’t supposed to drink at all now. When Brigitte left I’d started to hit the bottle a bit, but it was Lucy who’d stopped all that. Beer for everyone else at those parties, lemon barley water for me. So it was a big disappointment for Lucy now when I staggered in after closing-time reeking of bitter beer (five pints) and whisky (five John Haigs, large), also whiskey in memory of Father Byrne (two small JJs). Why had I been thinking of Father Byrne? Perhaps because of the damnable sex, perhaps because I was homesick and had no home.1 Anyway, when I staggered in I fell against things, and Lucy was bitterly disappointed. I staggered against a little table with a brown fruit-bowl on it, and in the brown fruit-bowl not fruit but a crouching cat made of blue china. I knocked this over, and the head came off the cat, and then Lucy cried, saying it had belonged to her mother. So I said nobody had asked her to bring it into my house and for that matter nobody had asked her to bring herself into my house, so she cried worse. She said nothing of walking out of the house with her bags packed, all she said was that I’d better sleep in the spare room that night and she hoped I’d have one hell of a hangover the next morning, which I did.
From now on I didn’t much care to go home in the evenings. Damn it, it was my home, or house anyway, and I had a good big damned slice of mortgage still to pay off. But I couldn’t order Lucy out, having, in her view, taken advantage of her and allowed her to build up hopes as yet unfulfilled. And this business of it being the biggest sin a man could commit in bed with a woman made me, even though it was all nonsense, feel guilty towards her. I was turning her into a kind of thin Brigitte, although, to be fair to myself, it was always Lucy who made the first bed-move. So, although I was in my rights in regarding her as an intruder, I couldn’t tell her to get out. But I wasn’t going to marry her – oh no. I was still married. What I did most evenings now was to look for Brigitte.
I looked first of all in Soho. There were laws now which forbade prostitutes to parade the streets with little dogs on leads or to walk up and down with their handbags open, waiting for men to come along to tell them they’d got their handbags open. But the laws weren’t taken very seriously. Still, I don’t think there were as many on the streets as there had used to be, certainly not anywhere near so many as in the great days of opportunity of the war, when the lie was given to the old liberal sociological studies of prostitution which said that women took it up only because they couldn’t get any other kind of work. What you saw more of now was women beckoning from doorways and windows and suddenly darting out from the darkness and saying: Want a quickie, darling? I made a very thorough job of my search around Soho – Frith Street, Greek Street, Wardour Street, Old Compton Street, Dean Street, everywhere – but I didn’t find Brigitte. In the advertisement-cases of shady tobacconists and bookshops I saw ambiguous announcements: Fifi for Correction (Leather a Speciality); Yvonne, Artist’s and Photographer’s Model – 40 24 38; Col
onic Irrigation administered by Spanish Specialist. Never once did I find anything (like Fräulein with German Novelties) which would lead me to Brigitte. In a pub I found a man who had a brochure – all photographs and telephone numbers – called The Ladies’ Directory, but Brigitte wasn’t in it. I even went into a police station and said I was looking for my wife, a German girl who, through her innocence, had perhaps let herself be drugged and whiteslaved, but they were very suspicious about that.1
As always happens, I found Brigitte by accident. I went one night to a cinema on Baker Street (nothing I particularly wanted to see; I was just tired and fed up) and afterwards had a couple of small whiskies in a pub just by Blandford Street. A woman entered, well dressed, well made-up, well spoken, bringing in with her a synthetic smell of rose gardens2 and a husky Dietrich kind of voice. She said to the landlord: Bottle of Booth’s, Fred, and forty Senior. Certainly mavourneen, he said. She crackled a lot of five-pound notes in her bag. I wondered about the mavourneen and then caught on: Bridget sounds Irish to the English. I gave her a long look but it was a fair time before she recognised me, or else she did recognise me and pretended that she hadn’t. Anyway, she couldn’t get away with that. She went out quickly and I followed. Leave me alone, she said, or I’ll call the police. That was a good one, that was. I said: The police are the last people you’ll call. Besides, there’s no law that I know of that prevents a husband speaking to his wife. She said: You’d better forget all about that. Divorce me and finish with it. I could now, I said, now that I know where you are and what you’re doing; otherwise I’d have to wait three years for desertion (she’d reconciled herself to my following her to where she lived), but once you’re divorced you’ll be deported as an undesirable alien. I saw that undesirable was the wrong word there. All she said was: I won’t be deported.