to Wade.
“What’s with that?” I ask Quinn.
She leans in and whispers: “I think she’s going to screw his brains out tonight after what you’ve done.”
“What?”
“She asked if this is all your doing and I said that you mentioned to him and he decided to bring her here.”
“That’s not how it happened.”
“I know, but look how she is.”
I do. She is in love with him, and although I still think he’s probably going to hurt her like he’s hurt everybody else he knows, I still like to think there’s something there other than sex and they’re going to make it.
Quinn leans in again. “In fact, I think I’d like to screw your brains out for all of this.”
I look about at the people around us. I’m hoping she wasn’t overheard. For some reason I think this place is above all that and that what we say matters. “Mrs. Altman,” I say in mock scandalous tones. “That’s not proper for this kind of crowd.”
Quinn look about her and then leans in and speaks in tones that suggest conspiracy: “I don’t know. I think that this place is a hot bed of sex. All of these people are going to be going at it all night, believe me.”
We are surrounded by the most ordinary of people, and by the look of them hot sex is not on the menu.
“You’re poking fun.”
“Maybe. But who can resist hotel sex?”
I laugh, just as Wade and Chloe get back.
“What’s so funny?” Chloe asks and the two of us shrug in time.
We head up to our rooms. They are large and quite expensive. Wade and Chloe are right next door and I freeze when I see them enter. Wade lets her in first and then turns at the door and winks. Sudden fear grips me, but I can’t say anything because Quinn has pulled me inside and pulled the door closed behind her.
“How much did this cost?” Quinn asks me when we survey our room.
“You don’t want to know,” I tell her.
We settle into bed that evening. I was tired from driving but there was something eating at my mind. Earlier I had put a hand on the wall that separated our room from the next. It seemed paper-thin to me, but that might just be my imagination. The closer we got to climbing into our bed the more anxious I become.
Quinn snuggles up to me, kisses me in the way that she does when she wants sex. Hotel sex is something that she loves, and tonight she wants it. She expects me to make love to her. We’re not at home, we’re in a different bed and we’re here for our marriage. It seems right to her, and it does to me as well, only I know that Wade is doing Chloe right behind my head and although I can see him or hear him this time the thought of it is driving me crazy. I don’t know how to tell her without pointing out the obvious and hurting her as well.
She’s wearing something small and thin and a little see through and I’m getting automatically interested in all the right places, but my head won’t get into the game. We don’t need my head really, but for the sake of our marriage it is a necessity. I want to love her, connect to her, but I can’t stop thinking about Wade.
“What is it?” she demands finally.
“What?”
“You’re somewhere else. Where are you?”
I close my eyes and look down. “Next door,” I say.
“What? With Wade and Chloe. That’s creepy.”
“It’s not that,” I tell her sharply. “I know he’s there and he’s with Chloe and he’s screwing her brains out like you said. I know that’s okay, but he’s there and you’re here and I still can’t get past this.”
I look up at her. Her eyes are filling. She slumps her shoulders a little and wraps her arms around my neck. She brings her forehead up against mine.
“I know it was a good thing bringing them along,” I say, “but I didn’t know he’d be next door. He’s just too close and it feels too much.”
She nods and kisses me on the forehead. Then she looks at the wall. “At least we can’t hear them.”
We lie on our bed under the covers, holding each other like we’ve become accustomed.
“Do you still feel connected to him?” I ask her.
“Sometimes,” she says. “Sometimes I think about him and what he’s doing and I remember that I was with him. But it’s just a memory and every day I think I remember less. I mean, I’m not trying to think about him, he just pops in my mind from time to time.” She sighs. “We shared something and that connects us, but that’s fading too. I’m letting it go. For us, and for you.”
I tell her about Penny and our last meeting. I haven’t told her until now and I’m feeling a little bad about it but she gives me grace and doesn’t say anything.
“I’m glad you were able to close things with her.”
“You are?”
“She’ll be waiting for you and then you don’t call. Being alone is hard, being alone and rejected is worse.”
“Yeah. That’s true.” No one knows that more than me.
“Do you think we’ll ever... you know...”
“We will. I mean, we’re getting close aren’t we?”
“But we’re husband and wife and we need to make love properly. What we’ve been doing is all well and good, but it’s not the main attraction. All that other stuff is foreplay. I need you completely.”
“And I want that.”
“Well, then, you’ve got to try harder, okay? You’ve got to get him out of your head. I can do all I can, but in the end it’s up to you.”
“You’re right.”
“But I suppose everything you’re doing for them might help a little.”
I sigh. “I suppose. I mean, I’m seeing him in a different light now. I see him as less the home wrecker and more the loving husband.”
“And I’m seeing him less as an old lover and more as a friend with a wife.”
She kisses me gently. “But you need to remember. I’m your wife. I’m the one that wants you. Not anyone else. You. And...” she adds, “I want you now.”
Saturday
We ate breakfast together the following morning. Wade look quite pleased with himself and Chloe hummed along absently as she ate. Quinn and I were up fairly late. We talked for a couple of hours until sleep took us finally. We talked about baby names mostly. Some of them were ridiculous and we laughed until ours sides hurt. Eventually we had a short list before we succumbed to tiredness. I couldn’t help feeling that we should have a few boy’s names up our sleeves just in case the ultrasound was wrong and we got a happy surprise. I guess that other tests will resolve the uncertainty that is sitting in the back of my mind.
The first day was full of the same words and feelings of our sessions, perhaps a little less tailored to our own personal problems. Chloe listened intently but Wade looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than there. Still, he was keeping up a brave face and maybe is new bride didn’t notice or didn’t know how he looked when he was bored or uncomfortable. I did, and maybe Quinn did too. I didn’t ask her, and I wasn’t going to.
Vows, they said, were the links – the bonds – between us. They keep us together when everything else is insecure. For better or worse. Keeping them when times are good was easy, they said, and in a way those times mean little when hard times come and you choose to keep those vows anyway, that’s when they matter. I felt Quinn’s hand close on mine and squeeze, like she was in great pain. Her eyes were closed as they said those things and I knew that she was in anguish over how she had broken hers with me. I forgive her again. I hope she is starting to forgive herself too.
After the first session Grant saw us and approached, spoke our names. He looks at Wade and I don’t know if he’s aware who he is. If he does he keeps it from his face.
“This is my friend, Wade,” I say, “and his wife, Chloe.”
“Ah,” Grant says with a smile. “Glad you could come. How are you finding it?”
“Very informative,” Wade says in that way of his that communicates the opposite without you being aware of
it. I’ve heard it a million times.
But Chloe is more genuine. “I’m so glad to be here,” she says. “All these wonderful people.”
“How long have you been married?”
Chloe takes Wade’s arm and giggles a little. “Three weeks.”
“Well, it’s wonderful that you’re committed to each other enough to start working on you marriage this early. I hope you learn some things from the others later.”
“What’s happening later?”
“People will be telling their stories.”
“I’d love to hear that.”
“You have a story too. I’m sure it’s worth telling.”
“It’ll be a short story,” Wade says. “And I’m not sure they’d want to hear it.”
I’m thinking that too, seeing Quinn and I are in there somewhere.
“That’s fine.” He turns to me. “Judd, could I have a word for a minute.”
“This is a good thing you’re doing.”
“Thanks.”
“Is it hard having him here?”
“A little.”
“Well, there are some good things going on here, so try not to be distracted.”
“I won’t.”
“Maybe you’ll tell your story later.”
“Maybe,” I say, meaning not in a million years. He smiles because he knows what I’m thinking, but he seems not to care. He loves me anyway with the deep love of a friend. I’ve never had that really, except perhaps at times with Quinn in the early days. I’m starting to feel it with her again which is wonderful. But Grant is becoming connected to me in ways that I’ve never experienced before or understand. He’s starting to know me and I admit that it unnerves me a little. I’ve worked too hard