22
Sell Out
Failure, unadulterated failure. It had followed her all the way from school, like tin cans. Constantly mocking, jabbing her in the back, forcing her to look at it and claim it as her own. It was of course her own. She was sure of it. She climbed the front steps as though in a daze and froze at the door, her sweaty palms resting on the brass door knob. She rested her heated head on the smooth wood of the mahogany door and closed her eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to come, that she never allowed to. Just once she wished they would, just once she wanted to know self pity, to acknowledge the injustice that was rightfully hers, but her pride was stronger.
The scouts had stood about the lab, walking about their stations, clipboards in hand, faces unreadable. She’d looked down at her equipment, her experiment laid out before her, one she’d laboured over, with an aching heart, and it had worked before, so why didn’t it work this time? Why couldn’t she use her hurt as fuel for her success just like before? She could feel the tightness in her throat, the frustration weakening her limbs, why did Nicole have to be so stupid? Why did she have to be human after all? Why was Sherry so clueless? She had looked over at Nicka who’d given her two thumbs up and a big grin, and she’d lowered her head to avoid her eyes. Why did her best friend have to be so optimistic? Why did she believe in her so much?
“Ms. Moore, aren’t you going to begin, you haven’t touched anything in the last twenty minutes.”
She’d looked up at the brooding man, dressed in a short sleeved shirt and tie, with big glasses, looking down at her as though she actually cared about what was going on here. Alex didn’t care about bunsen burners, equations or chemical reactions, couldn’t he see that she was having a crisis.
“Are you alright Ms. Moore?” he asked again.
“No,” her response was barely audible, trapped in her throat.
“Excuse me?”
“I can’t do this!” she’d said remorsefully, jumped to her feet and stomped out of the lab.
Even then with her peers’ curious gazes on her retreating back she couldn’t cry, she wanted to, she really did. Something within her just knew it would make her feel so much better, but she just couldn’t bring herself to stoop so low. And here she was, leaned up against the door, for the first time in her life, afraid. Afraid to face Sherry, afraid and ashamed of her own weakness, of her failure, and of that dire feeling in the core of her being that every daughter probably has at some point or another, a deep anguished desire, to be held, by no one else but her mother.
Suddenly there was a light vibration against her leg, followed by her polyphonic ringtone; she took out the phone expecting to see Nicka’s number flashing across the screen, but instead the name Julien jumped out at her. She’d forgotten about Julien. His cocoa brown eyes and quick smile had faded from her mind underneath the pressure. She sighed as she declined the call, switching off the phone and shoving it back into her pocket.
She somehow mustered the courage to enter the house, and the moment she did she knew something wasn’t right. The house was quiet, as still and as lifeless as a morgue. She shut the door behind her and winced at the sound in the silence. She froze at the entrance to the living room; the entire family was gathered there, sitting like candidates for death row.
Everyone looked confused and thoughtful, Rachel kept staring at the door to the study, Leon was crouching forward on the couch cracking his knuckles and Sherry was standing
completely still near the door, her arms folded across her chest, frowning at the muffled voices coming from inside. Sonti wasn’t there.
“Mom what’s going on?” Alex whispered, trying to maintain the solemn silence she’d walked in on.
Sherry shook her head, “I don’t know. The children grandmother show up a while ago, they was inside there since. I don’t know but I don’t like what I hearing nuh.”
Alex froze; she got the feeling that she knew just what this was about. This was her doing, she’d done this. Ryan would hate her. She looked around the room at the nervous group and swallowed hard, they would all hate her if they found out.
“Sherry...” she started, just as the door to the study was pulled open and the staunch old lady wobbled out.
She paused and looked at them with a stern expression, then with a grunt she perched her glasses on her nose and proceeded to make her way through the small group toward the front door.
Alex stood completely still, praying for the torture to end without her part being exposed, but as the old woman came near her, she looked over with squinted eyes, and then smiled.
“Oh well, hello Alexis,” she greeted.
Alex’s breath caught in her throat and she dared not look at the attentive, questioning stares she was receiving from everyone else in the room.
“Hi,” she responded, avoiding the old woman’s cold eyes.
“It’s good to see you dear,” Mrs. Hartley said and she continued on her way.
Alex lifted her eyes just in time to see Ryan’s angry glare, she winced at the angry set of his jaw and at the terse silence that seemed to have replaced the awkward one.
She felt like a fifteenth century witch at the centre of a mob, soon to be burned at the stake for her iniquities.
“It was you,” Ryan stated, his voice sounded choked; his eyes dark.
Alex could understand why. She’d betrayed an entire family because of her hastiness; she wouldn’t blame them if they wanted to take her apart limb from limb.
“Listen to me Ryan, please. I didn’t mean for anything bad to happen, you have to believe me.”
He was coming toward her slowly, his broad frame tense with restrained emotion. Sherry looked from him to Alex and back again, a confused look on her face.
Alex edged backward, her tongue lodged on the roof of her now dry mouth, the palms of her hands were suddenly dripping with sweat.
“Ryan, please listen…”
“Listen what!” he bellowed, his loud voice echoed through the living room like thunder.
Leon was at his feet now, his eyes alert as he watched the two of them. Rachel, with eyes wide with fear was lodged under Sherry’s arm.
“Please? Are you serious? I trusted you and this is what you do, you use it as a weapon against me and my family.”
Alex was shaking like a leaf, her breath coming in quick short gasps.
“I took you out of that rat nest and I took you into my own house, I gave you a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and this is what you do to me?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” was all she could say.
“You’re sorry!” he gripped her shoulder with his powerful hands and shook her, practically lifting her off the ground.
Alex gasped, her eyes now bright with unshed tears of panic.
Sherry took a step forward, “Ryan?”
“Stay out of this Sherry,” he commanded.
“Put her down Ryan,” Sherry persisted, putting Rachel to the side and coming toward them.
Ryan looked at the shaking girl in his hands; his blood shot eyes glued to hers, his own hands shaking with his anger.
“Do you know what she did, do you know what she is capable of?” his voice sounded pained. In that moment Alex thought she deserved whatever was coming to her.
“No I don’t know Ryan, why you don’t tell me something for once in your life,” the annoyance in Sherry’s voice matched the anger in his.
He pursed his lips uncomfortably and squeezed Alex’s shoulders in the process of thinking about Sherry’s request.
Alex bit her lips in an effort to not cry out at the sharp pain in her shoulders, he was squeezing her so tightly she was afraid he might actually push her collar bone into her neck.
“Just tell her Ryan...” she wheezed.
“Shut up!” he cried and he flung her aside.
She fell sideways onto the couch and slid to the floor, the pain in her arms al
most paralyzing her for a moment. Sherry pounced on him. She held him by the collar then shoved him away from her, hitting him hard on the chest.
“Don’t put yuh hand on meh child!” she cried, with a passion that shocked them all.
Ryan glared at her, his body practically vibrating with suppressed anger; “I can’t do this right now” he mumbled and started to walk away.
“I can’t stand coward men Ryan, look at me you bastard! I think is time you have time for me,” she called after him.
He paused under the arch leading into the hallway, and then turned to look at her.
“We’re broke Sherry, is that what you want to hear?” he spread his arms in despair, “We have no money and by this time next month, we won’t have a house, thanks to your smart daughter over there...” he paused and took a deep breath, in an effort to stop the tears that threatened to fall.
“So...” he continued, his voice thick with emotion, “so you might as well leave.... I have nothing left.”
Sherry pressed her hands to her mouth and shut her eyes; she shook her head in disbelief. Alex looked at them from where she still sat on the ground and the guilt rained brimstone upon her. She had seen all types of men in her short time on earth but this was the first time she had ever seen one so broken, so hurt and lost... like someone with a heart. Then she saw just how much pain she had brought to this family, she looked over at Leon and the fear she saw on his face accused her, Rachel’s tears tortured her and Sherry’s disbelief and hurt, pained her more than she would have ever imagined. She’d betrayed an entire family, her own family.
Ryan’s words echoed in her mind like a broken record, and it clawed at her insides, she couldn’t bear another minute here. She would die before she took another moment of it, but by the looks on all their faces, she was already dead.
They parked in the crowded yard outside Kane’s house, she took out her compact and touched up her lip gloss; there was a party in full swing. She had called Kane after the uproar at the house because he was all she had left, the only one who had not let her down, nor hated her. The only one who would not judge her.
Maybe he was right, maybe his no-attachments theory was correct, if you weren’t too close to someone you could not hurt them and they could not hurt you.
He pulled the door on the passenger’s side open and leaned in, “I bought you something,” he said, “you coming?” he asked, that dangerous smile of his back in full swing since their fall out.
She smiled at him nervously, and climbed out, “yeah, just give me a second,” she said.
He nodded and headed toward the house, “I’ll be in the house.”
She took out her phone and after a couple deep breaths dialled Reuben’s number. Reuben had been a lot of things to her, but foremost he was her friend and she knew he would look out for her no matter how much of a jerk she’d been. The phone rang out and then went to voice mail, she swore and held her forehead, what was she doing? It was getting really late Sherry would worry, or would she? There was no way anyone at that house wanted to see her right now.
“Alex?”
She turned sharply to face Nicka, who was looking terribly worried. She came up to her quickly and embraced her, clinging to her longer than was necessary.
“Oh my gosh I was so worried. Why did you walk out of the exam? And what are you doing here?” she asked when they separated.
The house was along the street Nicka took to go to her grandmother’s house, still she was the last person Alex expected to see right now.
Alex shook her head, “what does it matter?” she grumbled, throwing furtive glances at the building, that seemed to be swaying to the music within it.
“It matters to me, you threw away a great opportunity...”
“You think I don’t know that!” Alex snapped, her eyes wide.
Nicka stepped back, clearly taken by surprise, “look Al, we’ll go to the principal, maybe she’ll put in a good word for you...”
“Gosh Nicka, I don’t want to talk about this right now. Is that all you think about? Work, work, work!” she turned and started to walk toward the house.
Nicka hurried after her, “Where are you going? Al what is really going on?” she asked, just as Kane stepped out of the front door. As though he could sniff her out from the intoxicated crowd his eyes went right to her and he smiled widely, as he made his way toward her. He looked even more daunting in the dimming evening light.
“I thought you got lost or something,” he said, leaning down to kiss Alex lightly on the cheek, he had a box under his arm which he handed to her.
Alex introduced him to Nicka, who was eyeing him suspiciously, not even trying to look amiable and Alex wanted to kick her.
Nicka was being unfair, especially since she was civil to Robbie for Nicka’s sake, and here she was eyeing Kane like she would the serpent that had eaten her pet mouse.
“Bonsoir, it is a pleasure to meet you,” he greeted and he took Nicka’s hand. Nicka jerked her hand out of Kane’s.
He only smiled amiably, lifting his brows at Alex in amusement.
“Please come inside,” he said and turned toward the house.
Nicka grabbed Alex’s arm, “What’s inside?”
Alex shrugged, feeling freer already, she liked being around Kane because that’s what he did for her. She could pretend, even forget the reality of her life and join the crowd that lived like there was no tomorrow, and from the looks of things there really didn’t seem like there was a tomorrow for her.
“It’s a party Nicka, nothing weird. Weren’t you going somewhere?”
“Since when are you into parties like this?” Nicka asked; a sceptical look on her face as she followed them into the house that seemed to be swaying.
Alex shrugged, “Until now I guess” she replied.
“Whose house is this?” Nicka asked as she perused the ornate interior of the house.
Kane wiggled his brows at her in that mischievous way he had, “It’s mine.”
She frowned, “Really? This is your house? I always pass this way and I never knew anyone lived here. Are you a drug dealer or something?”
Kane shook his head, “Or something,” he replied, his eyes looking strangely sinister, “don’t ask too many questions, no one likes that, enjoy the party. Alex, hope you like my gift, look forward to seeing you in it.”
He winked at them and sauntered away. Nicka gripped Alex’s elbow and whispered harshly in her ear.
“We’re leaving, now, and you’re leaving that box.”
Alex looked at her sharply, “no we are not” she replied as she jerked Nicka’s hand off her elbow and walked toward the punch bowls, “how did you find me anyway?”
“I just went to drop something off at Grammy’s... I know my best friend from any angle Alex. I couldn’t miss you standing there like a lost puppy,” she replied as she followed her over to the punch bowls, tiptoeing over bottles strewn on the floor and trying to avoid any eye contact with the leering men – and women.
She snatched the glass of punch from Alex’s hand, “Alex, what is going on with you? Let’s go, this is no place for us to be.”
“Nicka it’s okay, I go to stuff like this all the time.”
“Really? Then you know that this punch is spiked right...with rum and drugs and God knows what else.”
Despite her purported assuredness Alex looked at the punch bowl and swallowed hard, she had fallen for the punch again and now she was thinking about James.
Shaking the feeling of guilt from her mind, she said, “Yeah okay, so maybe I didn’t think about the punch but...”
“You didn’t think about a lot of things. Like that guy you’re gallivanting about the place with.”
Alex chuckled, “Who Kane? He’s cool.”
“Oh my gosh! You’re in a relationship with him aren’t you?”
Alex snorted.
“Outside now!” Nicka snapped
, gesturing to the front door. Alex rolled her eyes but followed Nicka anyway, she pulled the large door behind. Nicka was on the front porch, pacing angrily.
“Look Nick, am not doing anything stupid...” Alex started.
“You’re right,” Nicka interrupted, “you’re being stupid!”
Alex gasped; she had never been so insulted in her life.
“You have some nerve Nicka. Since when are you my Mom?” she asked angrily.
“Alex what has gotten into you?” she looked at her with dismay, “you know guys like that are only after one thing.”
“He’s not like that with me okay, and I’m tired of it all NIcka.”
Nicka looked at her with shock, and for a moment she struggled to find words to speak.
“What about all your plans? Do you not realise that you’re headed in the same direction as Sherry?”
Alex inhaled sharply, this was not what she wanted to hear right now. All she wanted to do was have a little fun, but as always there had to be someone trying to ruin that for her.
“That’s all pointless now,” she made her way to the porch bench and sat with a sigh, “I really messed things up. Sherry’s a mom all of a sudden, I have the most functional family I’ve ever had and now they all hate me. I can’t go back there, it’s no use.”
Nicka stomped her feet angrily, “would you listen to yourself? You honestly think your mother and Ryan are just gonna turn their backs on you, because you made a typical teenager’s mistake. You sound like an airhead!”
Alex shot to her feet, her hands balled into fists, her jaw hard with tension; she didn’t handle insults well, not when they were being piled on like that.
“Shut up Nicka,” she commanded between clenched teeth.
Nicka looked revved up, “Or what Alex? You think your life is messed up. I don’t have a daddy either Alex – he’s dead. But you know what, I’ve accepted that. You pretend to be brave and strong but you’re a coward, if you weren’t you’d be able to accept the fact that your daddy walked out on you. It doesn’t matter if it was your mother’s fault or your brothers...or yours, because he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you... “
Alex’s palm was instantly against her face, quick and hard, forcing her friend’s head to the side. Nicka was genuinely surprised; she lifted a hand to her stinging cheek and looked at her red faced friend.
Alex’s chest was heaving uncontrollably and her eyes were cold.
“You crossed the line,” she hissed.