“It was,” he chuckled. “But shit, Rachel was hot.”
“Okay, conversation over.”
“Sorry.”
“She was pretty hot,” I grumbled. “If I was into chicks, I totally would have hit that.”
He barked out a surprised laugh, and my entire body warmed.
“You’re nuts.”
“I miss her,” I confessed, my throat tightening.
“Fuck, me too.”
“Sometimes I still pick up my phone to text her.”
“I used to roll over in bed in the morning and expect her to be there.”
“She actually let you see her without makeup? I figured she would have jumped out of bed and put her face on before you woke up,” I joked.
“She did that for the first year we were together,” he said through his laughter. “I finally had to catch her before she slipped out of bed so she’d stop doing it.”
“I swear she was my exact opposite,” I griped. “I hate putting on makeup and doing my hair.”
I tilted my head back to look at him and found him smiling at me.
“You don’t need it.”
“What?”
“You don’t need all that shit—the makeup.”
“No, I need it. I’m just too lazy.”
“You don’t—your skin is flawless,” he said quietly, reaching up to run a finger down my cheek. “Your lips are already red, and when you smile, I swear people can’t help but smile back. It’s contagious.”
“You don’t have to say that.”
“What, the truth? Kate, you’re naturally self-confident. Rachel was beautiful, yes. But she worked at it, because she didn’t ever feel it.” He gave me a sad smile. “Don’t compare yourself with her. It’s like apples and oranges.”
“I guess old habits die hard.”
“I’m sure I didn’t help with that.”
“You really didn’t. Dickhead,” I replied with a playful scowl.
“I hate that I’ve seen you naked,” he said, shaking his head and making me rock back in shock.
“Wow, fuck you!”
I began to push away, but he held me tighter to his chest.
“Your body is insane, Kate,” he told me as he rolled over until he was leaning over me. “I look at you, and I don’t see the fucking ratty clothes you wear. I see the way your breasts bounce when I pull on your nipples. I see the way you clench your jaw when you come, and the way your red lips get swollen from sucking my dick.”
My mouth dropped open, and I looked at him in shock.
“You were my wife’s best friend. My dead wife. Do you get that? I look at you and I don’t see Katie who drove me nuts when we were kids, or Katie who was Rachel’s best friend. I see Kate, the woman who can take me hard then fucking begs for more. That’s not okay. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”
It wasn’t a hypothetical question. He was asking me what to do—and I had no idea what I was supposed to say.
His arms were shaking, and his eyes were cloudy with confusion. It reminded me of the first time I’d seen him, sitting at my aunt and uncle’s kitchen table for dinner—trying so hard to keep himself separate while they lured him into conversation.
I lifted my hand and laid it softly on his cheek, aching for him. It could have been my soft heart, or perhaps the pregnancy hormones that had me crying over puppy chow commercials, but I wanted to soothe him so badly.
I’d seen where this man came from. I knew his demons and his history, and I could practically feel the guilt rolling off him in waves.
“You don’t have to figure it out tonight,” I whispered. “You don’t have to do anything.”
“Yeah, I think I do,” he said painfully.
Then his lips were brushing against mine, so softly I could barely feel them.
“You should tell me to leave.”
“Why the hell would I do that?” I answered, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. “It’s not like you’re going to get me pregnant.”
He froze then, and I regretted the words I’d let slip free. I swear, sometimes I had absolutely no filter.
He moved down my body without another word and pulled my nightgown up gently from where it had been tangled around my hips. When he was finally kneeling between my knees, he leaned down and pressed his face to my belly.
“You’re having my baby,” he announced against my skin.
I felt my eyes well up and tears drip down my face. Finally. He’d finally said it.
“Sure am,” I replied, my hoarse voice belying the nonchalance of my words.
“I’m going to do my best, okay?” he said nervously. “I promise. I’ll be a good dad to him.”
“You’re already a good dad.”
“But to this baby,” he replied, lifting his face and pressing his hand to my belly. “I’m going to be a good dad to this baby.”
“I never doubted that.”
“I did,” he confessed, his head rising to shamefully meet my eyes.
The truth of his words hit me like a ton of bricks, and I finally understood why he’d ignored the proof of our child for so long.
I nodded once, and he nodded back, as if, without words, we were making a pact then and there to take care of this baby we hadn’t planned for or wanted.
* * *
“So, I’m not going to get laid for a long time,” I said tearfully after a few moments, breaking the tension that I knew must be killing him. “You know, with the whole pregnant thing happening here. And you’re not going to be getting laid for a long time with the whole fighting-for-your-country thing…” I lifted my eyebrows as I wiped my hands over my cheeks and watched relief and something much softer move over his features.
“That is true. What’re you thinking?” he asked with a sly smile.
“I’m thinking that tonight is our last night to get some sweet, sweet lovin’.”
“Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?”
“If you have to ask, I’m obviously not doing it right,” I answered as he gripped my panties and pulled them slowly down my legs.
“You’re already wet,” he commented in surprise as he pushed my knees wide.
I threw my arm over my face in embarrassment. “Well, your face has been very close to my downstairs!”
“Your downstairs?” he asked in amusement, his breath hitting my heated skin.
“Well, what would you call it?”
“Vagina. Cunt. Pussy…Clit.”
“Shit,” I breathed out as he licked at me. “You have a dirty mouth, Mr. Anderson.”
“I can make it dirtier,” he replied before sucking my clit between his lips.
Shane’s hands moved over my thighs as his tongue and lips moved between them, and for the first time he was in no hurry. Every lick and suck was deliberate, pushing me gently toward the edge and then pulling me away again, until I was sweating and arching against my new sheets.
“You ready?” he asked breathlessly as he finally pulled away, pushing his shorts down his hips.
“If you don’t make me come in the next thirty seconds, I’m going to hurt you,” I whimpered back, making him laugh.
“When you come, your cunt practically throbs and you get so fucking wet,” he whispered into my ear as he moved on top of me. “I want you around my cock when that happens.”
Shane slid gently inside me with one long thrust, then pulled one of my knees up until my leg was bent between us. He watched my face closely as he pushed in slowly over and over, moving my legs around and changing the angle until he finally hit a spot that had my entire body jolting.
“There it is,” he whispered with a pleased smile. “Hang on, baby.”
“Holy fuck,” I mumbled as he slid over that spot again and again. My entire body was frozen as he moved. I was terrified that I’d arch and he’d lose it again, and the feeling of him rubbing against my G-spot was not one I wanted to let go of anytime soon.
“You’re so cute,” Shane said wi
th a smile as I watched him with wide eyes. “You’re trying so hard to keep still.”
“Oh God, that feels good,” I moaned back as he moved faster.
“If you don’t want me to stop, you better put your hands on me,” he warned, snapping his hips forward. “I know where it is now. Nothing you do is going to stop me from finding it.”
“What if—”
“Hands, now,” he ordered.
I lifted my hands to his torso, one wrapping around his back and the other up to wrap gently around the front of his throat.
He grunted, and I felt him swallow hard as his face dropped to mine, changing the angle of his hips so I whimpered into his mouth.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he breathed, lifting both of my legs until they were bent and pressing against his chest and he was hitting my G-spot again. “There you go.”
“Please,” I begged hoarsely.
“Harder?” He pulled back and thrust in desperately as he kissed me hard.
“Yes. Yes. Like that.”
“Jesus Christ, you’re sexy,” he mumbled into my mouth. “You’re almost there, Kate. Take it. Fuck!”
I detonated, and he followed closely behind me with a deep groan. Our bodies were slick with sweat, and I felt like I’d run a mile by the time he pulled out of me.
“Okay?” he asked gently as he helped me straighten out my legs.
“I feel like a limp noodle,” I groaned, climbing out of bed.
“Where are you going?”
“Bathroom,” I mumbled, my eyes already growing heavy with exhaustion. “UTIs are no joke.”
“Sexy,” he teased.
“Biology,” I retorted as I walked away.
When I got back to my bedroom, I was surprised to find Shane still lying in my bed.
“If you sleep close to me, we can avoid the wet spot,” he informed me cautiously. “Unless you want me to go.”
“No, stay,” I said tiredly, crawling in beside him. “But I’m going to sleep.”
“I don’t know what we’re doing, Katie,” Shane said as he pulled me spoon-style into the curve of his body. “We probably just made shit worse.”
“Regrets already?” I asked lightly, my eyes popping back open.
“No. No regrets,” he assured me, giving me a squeeze.
“We don’t have to figure anything out tonight,” I reminded him, my stomach churning. “Right?”
“Yeah, okay,” he whispered into the back of my head.
I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but my eyes filled with tears that I refused to let fall. I wasn’t a woman who mixed sex with love—I never had been. Sexual attraction wasn’t necessarily an indication of any stronger feelings. Occasionally over the years, I’d even had a couple one-night stands.
But the man lying next to me was Shane.
I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out before old feelings started to surface again, and I knew the minute they did, he’d be gone.
And the cost would be so much larger next time.
Chapter 7
Shane
I took a shower slowly, enjoying the clean tub beneath my feet and the quiet of the morning. I didn’t know how long it would be before I had the luxury of either of those things again.
Deployments weren’t anything new. I’d done it all before—leaving the kids, living out of a couple of seabags, smelling like ass for six months at a time, the constant state of alertness that didn’t even let me get a full night’s rest.
But that morning, my chest felt tight in a way it hadn’t before. I think my emotions may have been just a little too close to the surface, and that was dangerous for a man in my position. I needed to lock it all down. I needed to remember my routine, the things I could let my mind wander to, and the things I had to ignore at all costs.
When the water finally began to cool, I turned off the shower and slid the curtain back.
Kate was there in her nightgown.
I jerked in surprise. “What’s wrong?”
She had her arms wrapped tightly around herself, with wide eyes and a trembling mouth. “I thought you left,” she said quietly, shaking. “You—I thought you left.”
I pulled my towel off the rack and dried myself quickly so I could pull her against my chest.
“I wouldn’t leave without saying good-bye.”
“I know. I don’t know why I panicked.”
“You’re freezing. Come on.” I gently tugged her into my bedroom, pulled a sweatshirt off the top of my dresser, and slid it over her head. “Better?” I asked as she threaded her arms through the sleeves.
“Yeah.”
I steered her to the foot of the bed, and I was glad that she sat silently as I got dressed methodically in my uniform.
My routine on the day I left was important, as I’d come to realize within my first couple of deployments. It wasn’t really superstition—I didn’t believe in that shit—but instead a way to level out my anxiety.
First I pulled on my boxer briefs, then socks, undershirt, pants, belt, boots, boot-bands, blouse. Wallet in my pocket. Watch on my wrist. Sleeves buttoned. Photos of the kids in my chest pocket.
When I was done, I turned to see Kate watching me intently.
“Ready to wake the kids?” I asked.
“How much time do we have?” she replied hoarsely.
“A little over an hour,” I answered, checking my watch.
“Can we wait a few minutes? I’m waiting for my anti-nausea medicine to kick in.”
“You’re still taking that?” I hadn’t realized that she was still having problems, though she did look pretty tired all the time. Her pregnancy was anything but easy.
“It’s not as bad anymore,” she informed me as I sat down next to her.
Her hair was sticking out at all angles and matted in the back from the night before. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her lips were slightly chapped. My sweatshirt was huge on her, except where it pulled tight across her breasts, and her toenail polish was eight different colors and chipping.
Oddly enough, she still looked gorgeous.
I reached out to take her hand in mine.
“It’s going to go by really quick,” I told her as she nodded, looking at the wall. “Don’t be scared, Katie.”
“I’m not very good at this, am I?” she asked with a watery chuckle, turning her head to look me in the eye.
She wasn’t. She wasn’t good at this. She wasn’t stoic like Rachel. She didn’t assure me things would be fine or agree that the time apart would move quickly. She didn’t wear a brave face or act as if she would barely notice my absence.
I’d been thankful that Rachel did those things. It made it infinitely easier for me to leave when the time came, knowing that she would be just fine without me.
But that wasn’t Kate. Kate wasn’t Rachel. She wore her heart on her sleeve; her emotions were always out there for the world to see. If Kate had acted like she was fine with me being gone for six months, I’m not sure how I would have felt.
“You’re doing just fine,” I reassured her with a small smile, making her laugh again as tears ran down her cheeks. “Come here.”
I pulled her onto my lap, and she pressed her face into my neck. Her nails dug into my back through my shirts as she gripped me, and I tightened my arms around her in response.
Her hair smelled like me. Shit, her entire body smelled like me.
“It’s these stupid hormones,” she complained, sniffling.
“Well, hopefully you get that shit under control before I get back,” I replied drily, kissing the top of her head.
“Shut it, ass.” She pulled away and smacked my chest, her tears finally under control. “Let’s go wake the kids.”
* * *
“Socks!” I called as the time grew closer for me to take off.
The kids and I were on the couch getting some last-minute cuddles. It was a tradition I’d started when Sage was just a baby and I’d had no idea how I
’d leave her. I’d soaked up as much time as I could, as if that would hold me until I got to see her again.
It never had.
Each time I left, I had to deal with knowing that, by the time I returned, my children would be completely different. They’d grow, learn new things, lose teeth, and gain hair. They’d become interested in new subjects and used to my absence. It was painful.
“Here’s mine!” Sage said cheerfully, handing me one of the socks off her feet.
“Mine!” Gavin handed me his.
“Here you go,” Kate whispered to Gunner who was on my lap, pulling off his tiny sock and handing it to him. “What do you say?”
“My!” Gunner yelled, throwing the sock at my face.
Kate snorted, and I laughed before looking to Keller.
“Here’s mine,” Keller said glumly, handing his over.
“Whew!” I teased as I stuffed all of the little socks into my trouser pocket. “You have to wash your feet, man. This reeks!”
Keller laughed, looking pleased with himself, and threw his small body against my chest. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too, Kell.” I pressed my face into his hair and took a deep breath of little-boy sweat and baby shampoo, kissing him hard.
We all froze when the doorbell rang.
“He’s early,” Kate whispered with a brave smile. “That’s okay, he can wait.”
She walked toward the front door, leaving the kids and me on the couch. I watched her as she opened the front door, then dropped her face to her hands and started sobbing.
“Grandpa’s here!” my foster dad called out as my foster mom wrapped her arms around Kate and rocked her from side to side.
Thank God they’d gotten here on time.
“Grandpa!” the kids screamed, all of them scrambling off the couch but Keller.
“Wanna help me grab my bags, bud?” I asked, standing up and placing Keller on my hip.
We walked upstairs and I grabbed my bags, handing Keller my small backpack filled with toiletries, my iPod, and an extra set of cammies. It looked huge on his tiny shoulders, and he weaved a bit before straightening and marching back downstairs ahead of me.
“Hey, son,” Mike said as I dropped my bags right inside the front door. “All set?”