“Yep, all set,” I answered with a nod. He shook my hand and pulled me into a tight hug.
“Thanks for coming, Dad,” I said while he held on tight. “Kate’s gonna have a hard time when I go.”
“Nowhere else I’d rather be.”
“I want some of that,” Ellie interrupted, bumping Mike out of her way with her hip so she could come in for a hug. “All set?”
I laughed at the repeated question. “Yep, all set.”
“We got you a present, Daddy!” Sage called out, running toward me with Keller and Gavin close behind.
“You did?”
The doorbell rang again, and I swallowed hard.
“I’ll get that. You open your present,” Mike said, walking away.
Kate stood holding Gunner on her hip a few feet away, and I met her eyes for a long moment before looking down at the present Keller was pushing into my hands. It was wrapped in the Sunday comics, and I couldn’t help but smile at the familiar sight. Ellie had always wrapped gifts in comic paper—she said that being married to a man who owned a logging company didn’t mean she had to waste paper—so she’d saved up the comics all year long to use for Christmas and birthday presents.
“A Kindle!” Keller ruined the surprise, jumping up and down as Miles and Mike made their way toward us.
“This is the best present ever,” I told the kids seriously, kissing each one. “Thank you.”
“Is it time for you to go?” Sage asked me in a voice too serious for an almost-eight-year-old.
“Yep. Time to go,” I confirmed, reaching down to pick her up and hold her close. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
I did another round of hugs and kisses, and then another round, then let Ellie usher the kids toward the kitchen for breakfast.
“Walk me out?” I asked Kate quietly through the lump in my throat.
“Sure.”
Mike and Miles carried my bags out to the truck ahead of us, leaving me and Kate in our own quiet little bubble. I wrapped my hand around her shoulders and rested my fingers around the side of her neck, my thumb right over her pulse-point.
“I put a bunch of books on the Kindle. Manly ones, you know, military history and thrillers and whodunits. I wasn’t sure what you—” she rambled.
I cut her words off with my mouth as we reached the back door of Miles’s truck. Thank God the windows were tinted, and I knew that Mike and Miles would studiously avoid looking where we were standing…but it wouldn’t have mattered if they hadn’t.
She whimpered and gripped my head in her hands as I swept my tongue into her mouth, and I couldn’t resist grabbing her ass and hoisting her up until she was braced against the truck with her legs wrapped around me.
I didn’t know what I was doing. Things between us were getting so complicated. Too complicated.
But I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving without the taste of her in my mouth.
“Don’t let Keller talk back to you,” I said when I’d finally pulled my lips away and rested my forehead on hers.
“Okay.”
“Sage is going to go quiet. Make sure you watch her close.”
“I will,” she promised with a nod.
“I think Gavin can climb over the gate at the top of the stairs, so you should teach him how to open it so he doesn’t fall when he’s trying to escape.”
“I can do that.”
“Gunner hates bedtime, but don’t let him sleep with you. You’ll never get him into the crib again.”
“No co-sleeping. Got it,” she whispered, her thumbs sweeping back and forth at my temples.
“Make sure you take your vitamins, okay?” I asked, rubbing my lips lightly over her cheek and jaw. “You’ve been too sick.”
I let her legs slide slowly back down my hips, and she stiffened as her face turned scared.
“Take care of my children,” I whispered, sliding my hand under her nightgown to rest it on the skin of her belly.
“I will. I promise.”
I nodded, kissing her hard once before pulling her hands away from my head.
“I’ll call home when I can,” I promised as I held her hands tightly.
She was trying to pull away so she could reach for me, but stopped when I raised her hands to my mouth and kissed her knuckles. “Go into the house.”
“No,” she argued, shaking her head frantically.
“Go into the house, Kate.”
“No. No.” She was killing me.
“I don’t want you standing out here alone. Go into the house. Right now, Katie,” I ordered, giving her a little push. My stomach was in fucking knots.
She stared at me with wide eyes before finally nodding, then took a step back only to reach forward one more time to kiss me hard.
Then I watched her walk quickly to the house, her shoulders squared and head held high, and as she went through the front door I climbed in the backseat of Miles’s truck.
“Cutting it close, man.” Miles said, backing out of the driveway.
“Just drive,” I ordered, dropping my head back against the seat as I pushed a shaking hand into my pocket to fist the four little socks that smelled like my children.
It was going to be a long deployment.
* * *
“Hello?”
I inhaled deeply at the sound of Katie’s voice, the hot air almost choking me. It had been less than a week since I’d left them in California, and while I knew it would get more bearable over time, at that moment I was incredibly homesick.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Shane!” she screeched, making me laugh. “I didn’t think you’d get to call so soon!”
“Had a little bit of time so I wanted to check and see how things were going. How’re the kids?”
“They’re good. Oh my God, they’re going to be so excited you called. I’ll go get them—”
“Hold up,” I cut her off, chuckling. “First you talk to me. How’re Kell and Sage doing?”
“They’re good. Well, Kell’s had a few meltdowns, but nothing terrible, and Sage has been ending up with me most nights, but pretty good all around. I think having Aunt Ellie and Uncle Mike here helps.”
“That’s good. That’s really good.” I pulled my sunglasses off and pinched the bridge of my nose. “How about Gavin and Gunner?”
“Gavin’s, well, Gavin. Nothing really fazes that kid, does it? And Gunner is soaking up having Aunt Ellie here to pamper him. I swear she hasn’t put him down once,” she said, giving a little laugh that sounded strained.
“What about you? How’re you doing?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered breezily.
“Kate,” I said warningly.
“Totally fine.”
“Kate.” I could tell when she was lying. I’d always been able to tell. She did this thing where the last word of her sentence would get a little higher-pitched.
“The first couple of days were hard, okay? I was upset, and I think having Aunt Ellie and Uncle Mike here gave me a bit of a free pass to lose it.”
“What happened?” I sat up straighter in my chair, my stomach clenching. What the fuck did she mean?
“I was just sicker than normal,” she said quietly.
“Why didn’t you take your pills?” My question came out sharper than I’d intended, and I heard her let out a little huff.
“I couldn’t keep them down,” she mumbled.
“What the fuck, Kate?” My short fingernails dug into my palm as I felt a headache forming at my temples. “Did you go to the emergency room?”
“No, I didn’t,” she shot back. “I was fine at home. I think it was just the emotional overload. After a couple of days, I was back to normal.”
“You can’t do that shit,” I growled, feeling out of control as I rubbed my hands over my face. “I left my kids with you, Kate. You can’t just fucking fall apart.”
“Wow. Okay, um—” She sniffled, and I felt like such an asshole. I didn’t want to make her cry. S
hit.
I couldn’t get past the anger that my feeling of helplessness had stirred. I couldn’t deal with this shit. Didn’t she realize that? Did she realize where my focus was supposed to be, and how incredibly bad it would be if my focus was at home with her because she was losing her shit? Fuck. I needed her to keep things under control in California.
I’d never had to deal with that shit with Rachel.
“I’m going to bring Sage the phone,” she said hoarsely. “Do you have enough time?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a few more minutes.” I wanted to apologize. I could tell I’d hurt her feelings, but she could not fall apart when I was halfway around the world. She’d promised to take care of the kids. What the fuck would I do if she couldn’t handle it?
“I miss you,” Kate whispered, but before I could reply, she’d handed off the phone.
I knew then that I’d fucked up. Again.
“Hello?” Sage’s sweet voice came through the connection.
“Hey, princess.”
“Grandpa, it’s Daddy!” I heard Mike chuckling in the background.
“How’s it going, baby girl?”
“Gunner got into the garbage,” she tattled gleefully.
“How the heck did that happen?”
“Grandma was helping Auntie Kate in the bathroom—”
“Why was Auntie Kate in the bathroom?” I asked, cutting her off.
“What?” she asked, making me repeat the question.
“Her baby was making her sick again,” Sage informed me. “But she’s better now. Grandpa was supposed to watch Gunner, but Kell was jumping on the couch and he had to stop him before he busted his head open.” She made her voice deeper for the last four words as if mimicking Mike, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
I didn’t know how many times I’d heard that exact same phrase come out of Mike’s mouth.
“Wanna talk to Keller?”
“Sure. I love you, princess.”
“Love you too, Daddy!”
There was some scratching on the phone, and after a few moments I heard Keller.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, bud!”
“Whatcha doin’?” He sounded like he was eating something crunchy. A carrot? I tried to picture exactly what he was doing in my head, down to the clothes he was wearing.
“Just working. What have you been doing?”
“Playing with Grandpa. We went to the park yesterday, and I did the whole monkey bars by myself.”
“Whoa. Your guns are going to be huge by the time I get back,” I teased him, making him laugh.
“Are you coming home soon?”
My heart dropped to my stomach. “Not for a while, bud.”
A guy across the room got my attention, letting me know my time was up. Shit.
“Hey, Kell, I have to go, buddy.”
“Okay,” he grumbled.
“I’ll call you back soon, okay?” I said quietly, getting to my feet. “I’ll have Auntie Kate set up the computer so we can talk on there.”
“Okay. I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too, Kell. Give the little boys a kiss for me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And Kell?”
“Yeah?”
“No more jumping on the couch.”
“Sage!” I heard him screech before the connection was broken.
“Bye, son,” I mumbled into the dead line before hanging the phone back on the receiver.
I set my cover on my head and pushed my sunglasses back on my face as I headed out of the call center. I loved calling home, but I’d have to make sure I wasn’t making contact more than once or twice a week…assuming I had the time. Talking to Kate and the kids had given me a sense of relief, but I knew it would leave me in a funk for the rest of the day.
I wasn’t sure how angry Kate was. I’d been a dick, but the words had poured out of me. Plain and simple? I was frustrated.
I hated that Rachel was gone. I hated that I still reached for her sometimes, especially since I’d arrived in the hot-as-hell shithole I was in. I hated that Kate had taken up any spare place in my head, leaking into everything. I hated that I’d had to ask her to take care of my kids because they didn’t have a mother. I hated that I owed her for that.
I hated that I was missing school programs and new teeth and milestones.
I missed my children so fucking much.
I missed Kate, too.
The next time I called home, I decided, I’d apologize to Katie. She didn’t deserve my bad mood when she already felt like shit.
And why the hell was she still sick? Wasn’t that shit supposed to be almost gone?
Worry for my family settled heavy in my gut and didn’t leave for a long time.
Chapter 8
Kate
The second time Shane called, I let Aunt Ellie answer the phone and pass it around to the kids.
The third time, I completely left the house.
But by the fourth time, Uncle Mike and Aunt Ellie had gone back to Oregon, and I’d had no choice but to talk to him, at least until I could hand the phone off again.
“Hello?” I answered flatly.
“Katie? It’s me,” he said tentatively.
“Hey, Shane. I’ll get Sage.”
“Wait!” he called before I could pull the phone away from my face.
“What’s up?”
“How are the kids doing? How are you doing?” he asked, his voice almost desperate.
“Kids are doing good. Keller threw a huge-ass fit today because he had to share his Legos with Gavin. Sage had today off because the teachers are doing report cards. Gunner keeps putting my makeup in his mouth, and his face was covered in lipstick all day. It’s the eighteen-hour stuff, and I couldn’t get it off.”
He laughed, and I smiled.
“And you?” he asked cautiously.
“I’m good.”
“Have you been sick?”
“Nope, don’t worry. I’m on top of things.”
“That’s not why I asked.”
“Yes it is.” I huffed out a small laugh. “It’s fine.”
“I’m really sorry, Katie.”
“Nothing to be sorry about,” I replied smoothly. I wasn’t playing that game with him again. I was so tired of the push and pull that seemed to happen constantly. As far as I was concerned, if he was sorry, he wouldn’t keep saying shitty things over and over.
I knew his background. He’d spent his entire childhood shuffled in and out of different foster homes. I knew that he’d always had a hard time thinking before he spoke, especially when he was emotional. We had that in common. However, I had never been someone who lashed out in anger like Shane did. Our histories were completely opposite, and because of that I’d forgiven him a lot. But at some point, you had to grow the fuck up and act like an adult.
“Stop acting like that,” Shane said.
“Like what?”
“Like I didn’t hurt your feelings!” he growled into the phone.
“You didn’t. You were worried about the kids—I got it.”
“Goddammit.” He sighed.
We were silent for long seconds before he started speaking again.
“Do you know how hard this is for me?” he asked. “You’re sick, and I can’t do shit about it, because I’m fucking stuck here. It doesn’t matter how sick you’re feeling or what’s happening back home. I’m. Stuck. Here.”
“I know, that must be hard—”
“I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have snapped at you the last time we talked. I wasn’t mad at you.”
“Okeydokey.”
“Knock it the fuck off.”
“Shane, I don’t want to go back and forth with you. You hate me, you want me, you think I’m cool then I’m irritating. I’m pregnant and taking care of four kids under eight years old. I don’t have the time or energy to worry about how you feel about me.”
“Katie—” He paused for a long moment. “I was frustrat
ed that you were having a hard time, and I didn’t react well. It’s not because I think you aren’t taking really good care of the kids…It’s because I was angry I wasn’t there to take care of you and the kids. Okay?”
“Well, you’re chatty tonight,” I replied, the joke falling flat. I didn’t know what to do with the words pouring out of his mouth. I didn’t know how to reply.
“Shit, Kate. It took me two weeks to talk to you. I had a lot of time to run through the apology in my head,” he grumbled, making me snort.
“Just…tone it down, okay?” I asked, moving out of the kitchen where I’d been making dinner. “You don’t have to snap at me every time you’re worried or whatever. It’s exhausting and pisses me off.”
“Yeah, and you do the silent-treatment shit like a champ.”
“Damn straight.”
“You’re okay?” He suddenly changed the subject.
“Yeah, Shane, I’m good. Getting rounder. The doctor says that’s supposed to happen.”
“I bet you’ll be cute as fuck. Oh, speaking of how cute you’ll be—they have computers here so we can Skype. Can you set that up on your end?”
“Shane, I’m a web designer. I’ve got Skype.”
“Awesome. Shit, my time’s up,” he said as I heard someone speaking in the background. “I’ll call again when I can. Tell the kids I love them, okay?”
“Oh crap! You didn’t even get a chance to talk to them.”
“I’ll email you later today with my Skype info, and we can plan out a chat sometime this week—they’ll be stoked.”
“Yeah, they’ll freak. Be careful, okay?”
“Always.”
I waited for him to hang up, but after a few moments I could still hear him breathing.
“Hey, Katie?” he called quietly.
“Yeah?”
“I’m really glad you’re feeling better, beautiful. Take care of my son, okay?”
It took me a second to understand what he was saying, and when I did, I couldn’t stop the small smile that stretched my lips. “It could be a girl, you know.”
“Nope. It’ll be a boy,” he argued, and I knew he was smiling back at me. “Bye, Katie.”
“Bye, Shane.”
I stood silently for a long time in the archway between the living room and the kitchen, watching the kids as they played. It was going to be a long five months.