I reached out and brushed my fingers down Natanael’s cheek. He swung up a chubby hand and caught my wrist. “I’m so glad you’re okay, little guy.”
Just seeing him made the pain in my head ease. It wasn’t gone, but as I sank back against the head of the bed, I thought maybe I’d be able to rest.
“You look exhausted,” Ryder said.
I rotated my head on the pillow and met his gaze. “I am. And I hurt.” I grimaced. “I hurt everywhere.”
Natanael clapped his hands, and I looked over to see Ryder bouncing the baby on his knee. I smiled at him. “It looks like you came through everything okay,” I said.
“The doctors said he’s fine. He might be a little sore, but he’s just fine,” Ryder assured me.
I nodded, trying to pretend that my eyes weren’t burning with tears.
“It’s okay,” Ryder said, taking my hand once more.
I turned mine over and laced my fingers with his. “I know that. I’m just…” I blew out a breath. “I’m shaky, I guess.” I barked out a laugh, that exploded through my head. “Of course, I’m shaky.”
A yawn cracked my mouth open, and I blinked eyes that suddenly felt too heavy.
“You need to get some rest,” Ryder said, stroking a hand down my thigh. He glanced at DeLaria, then back at me. “Have they said anything about when you’ll be able to leave?”
“Not today,” I said softly. “The nurse was in earlier. She said they plan on keeping me overnight.”
“Okay.” Ryder squeezed my hand. “I’ll be back…probably later tonight, okay?”
He got up then, and DeLaria joined him that the door.
I closed my eyes after they left, exhaustion already tugging at me.
It didn’t take me long to fall asleep.
25
Breanna
The nurse smiled over the paperwork she’d put in front of me. “Do you have any questions?”
“No.” I shook my head, then grimaced and rubbed my forehead.
“The pain will get better as the time goes by,” she assured me. “If it doesn’t, make sure you follow up with your doctor. You need to see him within a week, but if the pain gets worse, follow up immediately.”
“I will.”
A shadow fell across us, and I looked up to see Ryder standing there. He was alone. He had come back the night before and stayed until the nurses chased him out. He stood there wearing jeans and a leather jacket. Behind the zipper, a blue sweater was visible.
He looked so good.
“Hi,” I said, smiling at him.
“You ready to blow this joint?”
“So ready,” I told him.
“I’ll have somebody up with a wheelchair,” the nurse said.
She got up, and as she left, Ryder came in and took the chair she’d just vacated.
His eyes roamed all over my face. “You’re bruised a little,” he commented.
I gingerly touched my nose. “I guess I should be grateful it’s not worse.”
“I know I am,” Ryder said, rocking forward and taking my hand.
I shifted on the bed. When Ryder had come back the previous night, he’d brought me clothes, and I now wore jeans and a t-shirt. So much better than the hospital gown I’d been wearing.
“You didn’t have to come back,” I said. “Stella would have gotten me home.”
“I want to be here.” He squeezed my hand. “I still can’t believe everything that’s happened. I keep thinking about what might have happened…” He trailed off, and after a long, weighted moment, he went on, “Natanael’s the most important thing in my life now. If something happened to him, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“It didn’t.” I sighed and pressed my fingers to my temple. “We can’t let ourselves get caught up in thinking like that.”
He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand. “Don’t,” I said. “We focus on what did happen instead of what could have happened. Have you heard anything about the guy who was chasing us?”
He looked down at his folded hands. A heavy breath escaped him, and he finally looked up at me. “Yeah, I’ve been to the police department to follow up. The man was…is…” He reached up to rub his face, rising from the chair to pace. He stopped by the window and stood there staring for a long moment.
“Who is he?” I demanded. But I already knew. Shivers gripped me. “It was him, wasn’t it? Nathalie’s brother.”
“Yeah.” Ryder turned back to me. “It was him. He must have been watching DeLaria.”
“Why?”
He lifted a shoulder in a restless shrug. “They haven’t heard anything from her since she disappeared. It’s possible they don’t know Nathalie died. Esmail has been trying to find her, and I think he figured that DeLaria was his best bet to locate her.”
“So, when he saw me with the baby…” I pushed my hair back from my face. “I guess he decided he wanted to see what was going on.”
“Or he figured out that the baby was Nathalie’s.” Ryder stared at me broodingly. “I’m not going to let him hurt Natanael – or you.”
Before I could respond, there was a knock at the door. I turned to see a volunteer standing there, a wheelchair in front of him. I made a face. “Do I have to use that?”
“Hospital rules,” the volunteer said cheerily. He looked over at Ryder. “If you want to bring your car to the entrance, I’ll get her wheeled down.”
Ryder slid from the room as I stood up. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
“Thanks for bringing me home,” I told Ryder as he wove through the streets of Denver, heading toward my little apartment. “Stella would have been happy to take some time off to do this. You didn’t need to.”
Ryder gave me a narrow look. “You saved my son. This is the least I can do.”
I lapsed into silence, staring outside at the scenery as he drove.
I was…uneasy.
It wasn’t just the wreck or finding out about Esmail either. I felt unsettled, and Ryder’s quiet, grim intensity wasn’t helping anything. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure I should know. What if he was angry about what happened? That wasn’t the feeling I was getting from him, but something was just…off.
Finally, he arrived at my place, and I breathed out a quiet sigh of relief.
“Is my driving that bad?” Ryder asked, forced levity in his voice.
I looked over at him, laughing a little. “No. Your driving is fine. I just…” Staring at my fingers, I floundered for something to say.
“Probably not the easiest car ride you’ve ever had,” Ryder said into the silence. “Considering how the last one went.”
“Well, technically my last ride was in an ambulance. But I know what you’re getting at. Maybe that’s all it is – nerves after the wreck. If so, I’m just going to have to get over it, aren’t I? I kind of need a car to…oh, shit.”
Something just now occurred to me, and I gave Ryder a dark look. “Your car is totaled, isn’t it?”
He climbed out of the SUV instead of answering. I opened my door, and he appeared in time to offer his hand, helping me out of the vehicle. When he didn’t answer me, I pressed him. “The car?”
“It’s totaled,” Ryder confirmed what I already knew. “I had my personal assistant handle notifying insurance, and it’s already been hauled away.”
I groaned, covering my face. “I’ll call my insurance–”
Ryder held up a hand. “No. You will not. Mine can handle it.”
“I…Ryder, can’t let you do that,” I told him, shaking my head. “I was driving. The wreck was my fault.”
“It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for Esmail. He’s here because of me and Nathalie. So, what happened is partly my fault – and none of yours. It’s already being handled.”
I didn’t feel like arguing with him, so I decided to let it go – for now. Hitching my purse up onto my shoulder, I started for the front door of my apartment.
&nb
sp; Ryder fell into step behind me, and we said nothing as I unlocked the door and stepped aside so he could enter.
“What do you think will happen with Nathalie’s brother?” I asked, putting my purse down on the table near the door.
Ryder shook his head and turned to look at me.
I didn’t like how comfortable it felt to be with him just then. Nerves settled inside, and I looked away. The jeans I wore rubbed against a gash on my knee, irritating it despite the bandage covering it. “I think I’ll put on something more comfortable,” I told him, slipping out of the living room and heading to my bedroom.
I came back in after swapping out the jeans for yoga pants. The soft, faded cotton felt good on my aching body, and I made a mental note to live in yoga pants for a couple of days.
“I’m sorry you got caught up in this,” Ryder said as I entered the room.
He’d taken a seat on the couch and flicked a look at me as he nodded. There were lines of strain on his face that I’d never noticed before.
“How did you find out about the wreck?” I asked softly. “I wanted to call, but the paramedics wouldn’t let me. Once they got me out of the car, they had me on a stretcher with my head practically tied in place.”
Ryder frowned. “I’m sorry.”
I lifted a shoulder. “They were taking precautions in case of a spinal injury.”
“Ah.” He nodded and laced his fingers together, staring at them.
He was as uneasy as I was, I realized in that moment. That, in and of itself, was surprising. I hadn’t seen Ryder with less than anything but one-hundred percent confidence.
“An officer called me from your cell,” Ryder said.
I cocked my head.
“It was the same officer who wrote up the report – Officer Matthews. He called me and told me about the wreck, told me what hospital you two would be at.”
“He was the first one to get there after the wreck,” I said softly. “He talked to Natanael, so he wouldn’t be so scared.” Ryder pinched the bridge of his nose, and I almost wished I hadn’t said anything. I tried a diversion. “Were you able to finish the meeting?”
He nodded. “We were wrapping up when I got the call. As soon as I heard what happened, DeLaria and I left to get to the hospital.” His mouth spasmed and he lapsed into silence.
“You must have been so scared.”
He nodded jerkily. “I was. For Natanael, for you. I couldn’t stop thinking about what if…”
“Hey.” I moved over to sit by him, curling up against his side. “We’re not playing the what-if game.”
He took my hand, folding his fingers around mine.
We sat there like that for a long time.
“What happens now…with Natanael and DeLaria?”
“I haven’t even had a chance to think about that.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand. “I’ve been too busy trying to deal with the cops…they questioned me about why Esmail was following you. I had to go into detail about what had happened with Nathalie, and they wanted to know about Natanael’s custody…it’s just been a mess.”
“It sounds like you’ve got a lot to deal with,” I said. A knot settled in my stomach.
Maybe he had too much to deal with.
I slid off the couch. “I need some water.”
Actually, what I needed was a little bit of space as my mind tried to grapple with the realization I was having.
Ryder had way too much going on right now, with Natanael and DeLaria showing up in his life. This mess from Esmail hadn’t helped anything either.
I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the dishrack near the sink. As I was getting water from the fridge, I heard him enter the room.
I didn’t look at him.
“What’s wrong?” Ryder asked softly.
“Nothing,” I lied.
“Something is.”
At his brusque tone, I turned to look at him. Doing that caused pain to swell in my chest, and it had nothing to do with the wreck or my injuries. I’d let myself get too involved with him.
“If you’re angry with me,” Ryder said. “I understand. I’m the reason this happened. I’m sorry about–”
“I’m not angry,” I told him, cutting him off.
And I wasn’t. I was upset, yes, but I was the source of that, not him.
I’d known it was a mistake, but I hadn’t been able to control myself, and now I was going to end up battered over it. No matter what happened, I’d end up hurting over this.
“If you’re not angry, then tell me what’s wrong. Because I know something is.” Ryder stared at me, his gray eyes burning with intensity.
“You’re right,” I said. I took a slow sip from the glass then put it down on the counter. Facing him, I wrapped my arms around my middle. “Your life has been turned upside down. First, DeLaria arrives with Natanael, then you find out about Nathalie…”
“I got over Nathalie,” he told me.
“You got over her when you thought she’d just left you,” I said gently. “But now you find out things weren’t what you thought. That’s got to have some effect on you.”
“It does,” he said, nodding. “It pisses me off. If she’d come to me…” He looked away. “If she’d come to me, if she’d told me what was going on. I could have helped her. But…” Ryder blew out a breath. “She didn’t. Now she’s gone, and my son doesn’t have a mother.”
He scowled and rubbed at his neck. “That’s not entirely accurate – DeLaria loves him like he’s her own, but she’s sick and…”
“He might lose her too,” I said when he didn’t finish.
“Yeah.” He met my eyes somberly. “Then there’s you.”
A weight settled in my chest. “There’s me.”
He looked like he was debating on something. I had a bad feeling I knew what it was.
“You know,” I said, forcing a note of optimism into my voice. “Things aren’t what they were when we first got together.”
Ryder cocked his head.
Maybe he heard something in my voice. I didn’t know. His eyes narrowed on my face, and I looked away.
“Ryder, maybe it’s a good idea…” I hesitated a moment, pressing my lips together to keep them from trembling. “You need some time, I think.”
“Time?” he echoed.
I nodded and made myself look back at him. “Everything in your life has changed, all in a matter of days. I know we said we’d just keep going on as we had, but, how can we? You’re already living a different life now. What worked for you before…well, it might not work for you now.”
“What are you saying?” he asked.
“I think we should…take some time off,” I said carefully.
“Time off?”
Something hard underscored his words, and I had to fight to hold his gaze. “You’ve got your son to think of, Ryder. And that little guy has already been through enough. I don’t need to be flitting in and out of his life – and I would be, because he’s now part of your life.”
His gaze didn’t so much as flicker. “You want to end things.”
That was the last thing I wanted.
But it seemed to be the right thing.
“I just want you to be sure you know what you’re doing…that you know what you want.”
He paced a few steps closer, eyes intent on mine.
He stopped just a couple of feet away, staring at me as if he thought I might disappear.
I held my breath.
Say something…
I don’t know what I wanted him to say, but this silence was deafening.
He didn’t say anything though. He just brushed his lips across my cheek and turned.
I was still standing in the middle of the kitchen when I heard him open the front door and leave.
26
Breanna
Lukas had insisted I take the rest of the week off.
I had to admit I wasn’t much up to handling a day of work, especially the f
irst couple of days.
By the time Friday rolled around, I was going stir crazy.
I was still sore, but not as bad as before, and the headaches had lessened. If I thought I could concentrate long enough, I might have gone on into work.
But I couldn’t concentrate. Holding a thought in my head that didn’t involve Ryder was almost impossible.
He hadn’t called.
He hadn’t texted.
We’d only been in each other’s lives for a short period of time, and I already felt his absence like an ache deep inside my heart.
It wasn’t even eleven in the morning when I settled down on the couch with a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Stella had gone to the store for me and brought back all kinds of comfort food, including several pints of my favorite ice cream.
Scooping up a bite, I stared at the TV with little interest. I settled on Family Feud, rolling my eyes at some of the answers while eating ice cream and pretending that I wasn’t on the verge of tears at any given moment.
Ryder needed to focus on everything changing in his life right then.
I knew that was important.
I also knew that having me come and go as part of his life wasn’t good for Natanael.
But knowing all of that didn’t do shit to help the ache inside.
I finished up the ice cream and left the container sitting on the table next to the couch, staring woodenly at the TV.
I heard a knock.
I closed my eyes. I wasn’t in the mood to see anybody or talk to anybody. On the off chance that it was Stella, she had a key and could let herself in.
Just then, she was the only person I considered even somewhat welcome. I didn’t want to see any other friends, my family…nobody. Everybody else could just go away.
I shoved away the little voice that suggested Ryder would be welcome.
He would be. But he’d left without so much as an argument on Tuesday.
The knock came again.
Then it came a third time.
Swearing, I shoved up off the couch. I paused to make sure my head wasn’t going to rotate off my shoulders. The dizziness was finally better, and I didn’t need to stand there and wait for the room to stop spinning.