As Tabitha moved to the back door and opened it, I shifted a little in the seat, then adjusted the angle to take some of the pressure off my abdomen.
“You got enough room back there?” I asked Tabitha.
“More than.”
Stella took her seat behind the steering wheel. “Everybody ready?” she asked.
She didn’t bother to wait for an answer, just started the SUV and pulled out of the parking space.
None of us talked much at first.
I felt bad because the silence was awkward, and I knew I was the reason for it.
“How are things going at work?” I finally asked, the silence wearing on me.
“Good.” Stella shot me a look. “I’m wrapping up one of your projects. Lukas assigned another one to Tia Frank. She’ll handle it from here on out.”
I didn’t bother to ask which one. I could have argued, and part of me felt like I should. I’d be back to work in another week and could take over from there. But I wasn’t certain I wanted to work with Ryder – or on anything he was associated with, however tangentially.
“I appreciate you both stepping up to help out,” I said, looking out the window at the distant mountains.
Tabitha started to talk about the movies they’d brought, and I closed my eyes, letting the conversation wash over me as they went from the movies Tabitha had stashed in her bag over to what was coming out in a few months, then to books.
Neither of them spoke, directly to me though, and I appreciated it. I wasn’t ready to talk, but I needed to be around people.
We stopped once for gas, and I slid out of the SUV to walk around and ease the stiffness from my body.
It’s amazing how easy it is to get out of shape. It’s hard to appreciate how easy it is to walk in and out of a store without feeling like you’re out of breath. I’d never take it for granted again.
Armed with a box of Skittles and a soft drink, I settled back in the SUV for the rest of the ride up into the mountains.
Stella asked if I’d been talking to my parents much.
“Some.” I shrugged as I peeled the box open and tore into the inner foil wrapper. Shaking a few pieces of candy into my hand, I selected all the orange and yellow ones and popped them into my mouth. “Mom calls every day. Sometimes, I don’t answer, and she just leaves a voicemail. I’ve talked to my dad twice. He doesn’t know what to say.”
Stella was quiet.
I took the green Skittles and popped them into my mouth as I continued to stare outside. “That’s how it is with my brothers too. Both have called, and they’ve offered to come over with pizza and beer.” I shook my head. “But I’m not ready to be around them yet.”
“Why not?” Tabitha asked softly.
“Because they’ll try to cheer me up.” I met her gaze in the rearview mirror. “I’m not ready to be cheered up yet.”
She nodded somberly. “You need to feel the hurt first and deal with it.”
“Yes.” I didn’t ask how she understood, but I appreciated that she did. I took a sip of my soft drink. “I have been talking to my sister, Louise, some. We talk around what happened, and she tells me crazy stories about stuff that happens with her work. That’s easy enough right now.” Heaving out a sigh, I added, “But I’m still going stir-crazy.”
“Just another week and you can come back to work,” Stella told me. “You’ll feel better then.”
I nodded and fished out the purple Skittles, saving the red for last.
Because I needed the distraction, I pulled out my earbuds and popped one in, turning on the audiobook I’d been trying to finish for the past week.
Tabitha and Stella seemed to understand my need for quiet, and they left me alone, talking to each other or just enjoying the drive.
It was a beautiful day, the western sky slowly going to its sunset gold, pink and yellow. As the sun disappeared behind the mountains, I adjusted the heater.
We left the main road soon after, and it wasn’t long before we were climbing up the steep, narrower road that led to Lukas’ and Stella’s cabin. I deliberately blanked my mind as we drew near the spot where my SUV had broken down the month before. I didn’t want to think about that night, or meeting Ryder. Or anything to do with him.
At some point, I’d be able to think about him without it hurting so much but that time was some ways off.
Just as we pulled up in the front of the cabin, my belly grumbled, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten much of anything since the piece of toast I’d had for breakfast.
Stella heard it and grinned, although she didn’t take her eyes off the road. “I hear you there. She whipped the SUV around in a three-point turn in front of the cabin with the trunk pointing toward the door.
“I’ve got chicken and dumplings in the crockpot,” Stella told me. “Once we get everything inside, we can sit down to eat.”
Chicken and dumplings sounded heavenly.
31
Breanna
I was grateful when we all decided on Die Hard instead of one of the sappy flicks Tabitha brought along. I wouldn’t have complained, but I had enough to cry over and didn’t want to add a sad movie to the list.
Eating a steaming bowl of chicken and dumplings, I watched as McClane went on a butt-kicking spree that ended with the bad guy falling to his death while a bloody and battered John watched.
“I’m in the mood for Twinkies now,” Stella announced as the credits started to roll.
“I’ve got chocolate chip cookies,” Tabitha offered.
“Done.”
As Tabitha brought in the bakery box that had been sitting on the counter, I held up my hand.
Chocolate didn’t make everything better, but it made the misery a little more tolerable. At least until the chocolate was gone.
Stella topped off everybody’s wine. As she refilled my glass, the light caught and reflected off her engagement ring.
I had to look away, so she wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes.
Was it just a week ago that I’d been so happy and hopeful? Ryder and I were in love. The world had just seemed so wide open.
Now it was dim and dark, and I had a hard time seeing how I’d make it through each day. The thought of being happy and hopeful seemed like a fairy tale.
You’ll get there, I told myself. Logically, I knew that was probably the case. I couldn’t let this define my entire life.
But now, the hurt was still so gut-deep, it was hard to think past it.
Stella curled up next to me. “We’ve got the next Die Hard up here. Lukas loves the movies. You two want to watch it?”
I wasn’t really in the mood for it, but I didn’t want to go to bed either. The sooner I did that, the sooner I’d start to cry myself to sleep again. I didn’t want Tabitha or Stella overhearing me.
I sipped wine, ate another cookie, and tried to feign interest as McClane went on another butt-kicking spree, this time in an airport.
My mind wasn’t on the movie though.
I found myself thinking of that first night when I’d met Ryder, and how I’d thought he’d be fun for a distraction.
A distraction. How could I have been so foolish?
I should have done what Lukas had recommended and kept my distance. Not because of anything that Ryder had done, of course. But it had all ended with me getting hurt, just as I’d expected.
Pulling my thoughts away from my memories, I focused once more on the movie. Stella passed another bottle around, but I declined, passing it back to her.
The ring on her finger sparkled again, and I jerked my head around, staring intently at the TV screen and willing my thoughts to just…stop. If I didn’t think, I didn’t remember. If I didn’t remember, I didn’t hurt.
Finally, I gave up and offered a smile. “I’m going to go ahead and lie down,” I told them.
“You okay to climb the steps?” Tabitha asked. “I can sleep up there if you’d rather bunk on the pull-out down here.”
“I’m fine.” Shaki
ng my head at her offer, I carried my wine glass over to the sink and rinsed it out. On my way out of the room, I gave them both a smile, hoping like hell that it looked sincerer than it felt.
I went through the routine of getting ready for bed, dressing in loose pajama bottoms and a faded t-shirt, then heading back downstairs to wash my face and brush my teeth.
I could feel my friends watching me, and I wanted to hide away from it. Hide away from them.
Maybe coming up here hadn’t been such a good idea.
Once I was ready for bed, I retreated up the steps and laid down, willing my mind to blank.
It didn’t want to.
I thought of Natanael and his sweet baby smile, the way Ryder had looked as he held the little guy, bouncing him on his knee and even talking to him in baby-talk.
I could imagine the sweet, solid weight of the baby in my arms and that hurt more than I could bear.
I was never going to be a mother, I realized.
Those few moments with Natanael were the closest I’d ever come to it.
The pain all but skewered me, and I shoved my fist against my mouth to silence the sob. The dam broke, and once more, I started to cry. I muffled the sounds with my pillow. Or I tried.
When the stairs creaked, I rolled onto my side, facing away. I already knew who it was.
Stella slid into the bed behind me and wrapped an arm around my waist. The gentle, silent offer of comfort was more than I could bear, and I caught her hand with mine, squeezing.
The feel of her engagement ring against my hand made me cry harder, and I hated myself a little in that moment.
I didn’t begrudge Stella the happiness she’d found with Lukas. I was happy for her, but just thinking about the life she had before her – that wide open world that I’d glimpsed just a week ago – it hurt. It was a deep, visceral pain that stole my breath away.
I didn’t know how much time passed as I lay there crying, my best friend curled up behind me and hugging me.
At some point, though, I slid off into sleep.
Dreams waited for me, and I knew that even in sleep, I couldn’t escape from reality.
I dreamed of Ryder and Natanael and holding a child in my arms.
I dreamed of him telling me that he wanted a large family, and I had to face him as I told him that I’d never be able to have kids.
In my dream, his face tightened in disappointment, and he took Natanael away.
I was calling out for them as they disappeared.
They left me alone.
I woke up early the next morning with that aching loneliness spreading through me like a cancer, eating and gnawing at me.
Stella lay sleeping behind me, and I crept from the bed, gathering up my clothes in silence.
Down in the tiny little bathroom, I dressed, trying hard not to look in the mirror and see my reflection. I didn’t have to see myself to know that my eyes would be red and there would be shadows like bruises.
Once I was dressed, I slid out of the bathroom and took my coat off the hook just outside the door. I stepped outside and went over to the rocking chair. Settling down, I pulled my knees up to my chest. The dream started to repeat itself.
I didn’t try to stop the tears this time.
It was cold and bright and beautiful outside, and I felt so completely alone.
32
Breanna
Stella found me sitting outside.
She had a blanket thrown around her shoulders but didn’t bother with a coat or shoes as she came outside.
“You should come in,” she said, holding out her hand. “It’s freezing out here.”
I’d long since stopped feeling the cold, numb to everything. Even the pain inside me had gone oddly numb, and I was reluctant to do anything that might shatter the fragile peace I’d finally found within myself.
But I could tell by the way Stella stood there that she was determined to wait me out. Shivers and all.
I let her coax me back inside and I curled up under a blanket on the couch next to the fireplace.
Tabitha was still asleep as Stella moved into the kitchen to start the coffee.
It wasn’t long before Tabitha stirred, and she sat up, stretching. She shot me a smile.
I tried to return it, but it felt more like a grimace than anything else.
“Rough night?” Tabitha studied my face.
I looked away. “They’ve all been rough lately.”
She got up and came to sit beside me, taking my hand. “It will get better. It takes time.”
I managed a weak smile, but I wasn’t entirely convinced. Right now, I felt like one giant, open wound, and I didn’t see healing anywhere on the horizon.
Stella came over and pushed a cup of coffee into my hand. “You need to warm up,” she said.
I gave her a weary smile and folded my hands around the cup. “Stop fussing.”
She hugged me then turned away. “Stop giving me reasons to fuss,” she said over her shoulder.
A few minutes later, I moved to the small table and watched as Stella set about making breakfast. Normally, I’d take my turn at preparing a meal, but neither of them would let me. They didn’t even want me rinsing off my dishes. I’d done it anyway.
The scent of bacon soon filled the air, and my belly rumbled demandingly. For the first few days after I left the hospital, eating had been the furthest thing from my mind, but my appetite was slowly making a reappearance.
Stella also whipped up some French toast, and over the meal, we had a debate – what was better, crepes or French toast.
Stella argued for French toast and added, “Man, especially if you get it in New York.” She sighed lustily. “I miss the food in New York.”
“Denver isn’t exactly shabby when it comes to the food scene,” I told her.
She rolled her eyes. “But it’s not New York.”
I stuck my tongue out at her.
Tabitha was all about the crepes but confessed she sucked at making them. “They just never turn out. Really, I can only do a couple of dishes. Any time I try something fancy…” She made a face.
“I’m not much for fancy cooking myself.”
The conversation meandered away as we finished our breakfast and I got up to rinse my plate off, even as Tabitha and Stella told me I should sit back down.
“I’m not bedridden,” I said, shaking my head at them. “Besides, if I don’t clean up after myself, I’ll start expecting this treatment at home.”
Stella laughed and joined me at the sink. “Rinse it off if you must, but that’s it.”
I retreated to the couch, cradling my second cup of coffee. I needed to take something for the headache I’d woken up with – the result of my epic crying jag, no doubt.
While the other two busied themselves in the kitchen, I reached into my purse and rooted around until I found a bottle of ibuprofen. After shaking a couple into my hand, I washed them down with more coffee, then returned the bottle to my purse.
My hand brushed up against something unfamiliar, and I closed my fingers around it, pulling it out.
It felt like I’d been hit square in the chest as I found myself staring at one of Natanael’s baby toys, a little stuffed bear that rattled when you shook it.
I tightened my hand around it and sagged back against the couch cushions.
“What’s that?” Stella asked as she sat down next to me, drawing her legs up underneath her.
I swallowed the knot in my chest and displayed the little bear. “It’s Natanael’s. I don’t know how it got into my purse. I must have shoved it in there when we were at the lawyer’s last week.”
Tabitha didn’t know about Natanael, and I didn’t feel up to explaining to her. Stella gave her a short rundown as I sat there, stroking my finger along the silly bear’s nose.
“You really should talk to Ryder,” Stella said softly once she finished.
I just shook my head.
Hours later, I kept thinking about the little baby t
oy. I’d shoved it back inside my purse, hoping to block out the memory of it as well, but I hadn’t had much luck.
Stella and Tabitha had coaxed me into playing cards, and I tried to focus on the game. Finally, I put my hand face down. “It’s a good thing we’re not playing for money. I’d be dead broke by now.”
“I think we should be playing for money,” Tabitha said. “Usually, you kick my ass. This would be a chance to get some pride back.”
“My head is only halfway here,” I said dryly. “It would be an easy victory.”
“As long as it’s a victory.” She winked.
“That’s a dirty way to look at it.”
Stella opened her mouth to comment, but stopped, cocking her head to the side. “Somebody’s coming up the road.”
I wasn’t as used to the quiet as she was, and it took a few more moments before I heard the powerful roar of an engine as well.
“Was Lukas planning on coming?” I asked Stella as we all moved to look out the front window.
“No. If he was, he would have radioed me, so I knew to expect him,” she said, shaking her head.
I didn’t recognize the blue SUV that rounded the corner. Judging by the puzzled look shared by Stella and Tabitha, they didn’t either.
Tabitha looked nervously around the cabin, then moved to lock the door.
She looked uneasy, and I wanted to ask why, but the question faded as the door to the SUV opened, and the driver hopped out.
The second the sun glinted off his copper and gold hair, my heart kicked up.
“It’s Ryder,” I said woodenly.
I backed away from the window and retreated toward the couch. Stella turned her head and met my gaze, worry on full display. “Want me to send him away?” she asked.
I didn’t know how to answer that.
I’d been missing him so much, and now here he was.
Did I want her to send him away?
My brain was still struggling with that when he knocked on the door.
I jumped at the sound.
“Honey?” Stella prodded.
“Let him in,” I said, my voice tight. It felt like I was squeezing the words out over razor blades, but my voice didn’t break, so there’s that.