I huddled there, my arms wrapped around myself as she undid the lock, then pulled the door open.
Ryder’s gaze swept the room, landing on me.
The look in his eyes made my heart squeeze hard in my chest.
“What are you doing here?” Stella asked.
“Lukas told me you guys were up here,” he said, voice husky. He was staring at me like nobody else existed.
I tore my gaze away and focused on the blank screen of the TV.
“Traitor,” Stella muttered.
I glanced her way as she shot me a look.
An awkward silence fell, Tabitha and Stella standing protectively in between me and Ryder.
Ryder cleared his throat.
I could all but feel him willing me to look at him. I finally did. His gaze raced over my features. I couldn’t help myself. I did the same, staring at him and taking in the sight of him as though starved for his presence.
And I was.
Him coming here wasn’t going to change anything.
Was it?
“I was wondering if we could talk,” Ryder said gruffly.
My voice was raw. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I think there is.” He took a step toward me, then glanced at my self-appointed bodyguards. “Will you come with me to my cabin for a little while?”
I opened my mouth to say no.
He’d leave if I told him I didn’t want him there.
I could see it in his eyes.
But as I was preparing myself to do just that, Stella turned away from him and met my eyes. She approached slowly, like she thought I might run. If I thought it would do any good, I might have considered it.
She sat down next to me, taking my hand. “Go talk to him, honey.” I gave her a wide-eyed, panicked stare. “Go on.” She leaned in and hugged me. In a low voice, she whispered, “Talk to him. Tell him.”
“But…”
“No. No buts. You owe it to him – to yourself – to at least give it a chance. So, do it.”
She pulled back and studied my face.
I swallowed, the knot in my throat making it almost impossible. Shifting my attention to Tabitha, I saw her watching me with her sober, serious eyes. “Go on,” she said quietly.
“Now who are the traitors?” I said, my voice thick.
Stella took my hand and squeezed it. “I’m in your corner, all the way. You know that. That’s why I want you to be happy.”
Tears burned my eyes.
Slowly, I forced myself upright, taking care not to show him how weak I was, how tired. “I need my boots.”
Moving toward the stairs, I started up them, my heart thudding so loudly in my ears, I wouldn’t have heard it if any of them had spoken to me. Not in that moment.
Once in the privacy of the loft I shared with Stella, I sank onto the bed and covered my face.
Was I really doing this?
Why?
But I already knew the answer. I was doing it. I was doing it because some part of me realized I’d always wonder. Until we talked, until Ryder knew the truth of what happened, I’d always wonder…what if?
If I ended up ripping my heart out a second time while telling him, then what did it matter? I was still bleeding from the last time. At least if we talked, I’d know.
33
Breanna
On the drive over, we were both silent.
I was painfully aware of Ryder’s brooding presence. Just sitting so close to him hurt.
I looked outside, but there was nothing that would distract me from the big man sitting next to me. I found myself drawing Natanael’s toy from my bag and holding it, rubbing my finger along the furry nose and ears.
I could hear the echo of Natanael’s laugh and had to block it out before I started to cry. As it was, I was already on the verge of tears by the time we reached Ryder’s elegant glass and wood cabin.
He parked the car, and I sat inside when he slid out, taking those precious few seconds to ready myself. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to talk to him, not about anything.
Before I was ready, he reached my side of the car and opened the door. I slid out, and he steadied me, hands going to my waist. Ryder searched my face, his gray eyes unreadable.
I didn’t know what he saw when he looked at me.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
The wind kicked up, and I shivered. Ryder backed away. “Let’s get inside.”
I trudged along next to him, my mind racing. What was he doing out here? Why had he come after me?
And why now?
It had been days since I’d told him we were over, and he hadn’t tried, not even once, to change my mind.
Inside the house, Ryder took my coat, and I moved away from him, going down the hall to the living room. I needed to sit down. My legs felt watery, although I was almost certain it had to do with his presence and not my recovery.
He followed along behind me after only a few moments, and as I sat down, I could feel him watching me.
He took the seat across from mine, and I lifted my chin to meet his gaze.
But he wasn’t looking at my face.
He was staring at my hands…at the little bear I’d pulled from my purse.
He recognized it. His eyes widened, and he slanted a look from the baby toy up to meet my gaze.
“It was in my purse,” I said, feeling oddly vulnerable. “I must have put it in there and forgotten.”
Slowly, he nodded.
I didn’t offer him the toy. He didn’t ask.
He leaned back in the chair, slumping in a sprawl that looked relaxed. But I could feel the coiled, nervous tension inside him. It didn’t do much to steady my own nerves, and I had to suppress the urge to get up and start pacing. I tightened my hand on the bear instead.
“Where’s Natanael?” I asked.
“Back in Denver. DeLaria is watching him.” He braced his chin in his hand, still watching me with thoughtful eyes. Just when I didn’t think I could take another second of that insightful gaze, he opened his mouth and asked one simple thing. “Why?”
With that one word, my throat grew impossibly tight, and I had to clear it twice just to be able to speak. “I told you why.”
“No. You told me it was best if we stopped seeing each other. Now, I’ve got to be honest. I’ve wracked my brain trying to figure out what happened, but I’m coming up short. I figured I’d just come to the source, so that’s what I’m doing.” He straightened from that relaxed, lazy sprawl and pinned me with an insistent gaze. “Why, Bree?”
I jolted upright, putting the bear down by my purse. “I need some water,” I said. Without offering another word, I turned and made my way into the kitchen. I thought of that first morning with him here, how he’d made breakfast. I thought of the night we’d spent in the sleeping bag, so close together, yet distant.
And I thought of what DeLaria had told me.
He’d always wanted a big family.
I couldn’t give him one.
I felt more than heard his presence and turned to meet his gaze over the island. Moving to the big, farmhouse-style sink set into the island, I grabbed a cup from the dishrack and got some water. It did little to soothe a throat that had gone as dry as the desert.
I took a few more sips, then put the cup down. Reaching for the edge of the table, I curled my hands around it and clung for dear life.
Taking in a deep breath, I set my shoulders.
“The night Breanna had to take me to the hospital…” My voice hitched, and I waited until I could speak levelly. It took longer than I liked, and I could see the concern growing on Ryder’s face. “I had to have surgery. I was…all Sunday long, I was hurting pretty bad. I thought I was just having cramps.” My face heated as I blurted that out. Was he one of the guys who freaked out when a woman mentioned anything related to her period? But his expression didn’t change so I continued. “I have them sometimes – bad ones. But not like this. Breanna got me to t
he hospital, and I wasn’t there long before I collapsed. They rushed me into the back and started doing my work-up and…”
I had to stop again. With hands that shook, I reached for my water. The floorboards creaked, and I froze as Ryder circled around the island. He stopped just a few feet away. I wanted him closer, wanted to lean up against him and hold him.
I had to get this out.
“They found out I was pregnant.”
Ryder sucked in a breath.
“It was a tubal pregnancy, Ryder,” I said, watching as the light in his eyes went hot and bright, then watching as that expression faded, to be replaced by puzzlement. Understanding came slowly, and I knew the moment when he realized there was no baby.
“I was at the point of rupturing. They had to remove the fallopian tube on my right side. They also found…” Tears blurred my eyes now, and I swiped at them, determined to get this out. Get this done. “The tube on my left side is messed up. Some sort of structural defect that I was probably born with.”
I clung to the edge of the counter so tightly now, it cut into my fingers. I didn’t care. It was the only thing keeping me standing just then.
“Ryder, I can’t have kids,” I said, forcing the words out.
“Baby…” He reached for me.
I held up my hands, backing away.
He gave me a helpless look. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and I could barely think past the cloud of misery that surrounded me. As he continued to watch me with those intense eyes, I said it again, “I can’t have kids. Even something like in vitro isn’t likely. I’ve always had issues with endometriosis, and it’s bad enough that it could interfere with conception.”
Something about the way I spoke finally got through to him, and I saw understanding dawn. “Is that what this is about?” he asked. He came closer this time, and I was too tired to back away.
He cupped my cheek when I didn’t answer immediately, arching my head back until our gazes locked. “Is it? Is this why you ended things?”
“You want a big family,” I whispered. “DeLaria told me you’d always wanted a big family. I can’t give you one.”
He grabbed me then and pulled me closer, hands gentle but determined. I gasped as he buried his face against my neck and clung to me.
“I want you,” he said, voice low and passionate. “Fuck having a big family. I’ve got Natanael. I’ve got you.” He hesitated then, the silence lingering for long moments before he slid his mouth up to my ear. Softly, he whispered, “Tell me I still have you, Bree. You’re what I want.”
Tears pricked my eyes, and I squeezed them shut to keep from crying yet again.
“This isn’t fair to you,” I said.
“You walking away without giving me a chance to keep you isn’t fair,” he replied, voice taut.
I eased back.
He let me.
I drew in a breath, then met his eyes once more. “I can’t have kids, Ryder.”
“I know.” He pushed a hand through my hair, then curved it over the back of my neck, pulling me close. The possessiveness of that gesture shuddered through me, and I shivered.
“You’re cold,” Ryder said.
I went to tell him I wasn’t, but he’d already lifted me in his arms. I sagged against him, hating the weakness that still pervaded my body. In silence, he carried me back into the living room and sat on the couch.
He picked up a remote and thumbed the control for the fireplace. It flared to instant life. He grabbed a blanket and dragged it over us, tucking me up against his chest.
“Maybe I did – maybe I do – want a big family,” he said, his lips pressed against my temple. “But there is more than one way to have a family, baby. Natanael and I, we can be your family. We can look at adopting, or a surrogate. There are other options. And even if it’s only ever just you, me, and Natanael, then I’ll have what I need the most.”
This time as he eased my gaze up to meet his, I couldn’t hold back the tears.
He kissed them away, then pressed his lips to my forehead.
“I don’t need anything else in my life to be happy other than what I’ve already got. Please don’t take that away from me.”
The stark plea in his voice all but broke me, and I fell against his chest, crying once more.
The sobs tore out of me, and Ryder held me through the storm.
Dully, I was aware of the comforting strokes on my spine, the way he murmured against my hair, the steady, soothing sound of his voice. I was drained by the time the tears finally stopped.
“You’ve been holding that in too long,” Ryder murmured against my temple.
“I haven’t been holding it in,” I said lamely. “Every time I think I’m cried out, it just starts again.”
“Because you can’t have kids.” He tangled his fingers in my hair.
“That’s a big part of it, yeah,” I answered slowly. I cleared my throat, then eased away from him, looking into his face. “But I kept thinking about how I couldn’t give you what you wanted, that I couldn’t be enough for you. I told myself that letting you go was the best thing to do. It tore me apart.”
He shoved his free hand into my hair. Now, cradling my head in his hands, he pulled me close. He pressed a hard kiss to my mouth. “I don’t want you letting me go. Hold on to me. Let me hold onto you.”
When I didn’t answer, he said my name, softly…like a plea. “Bree?”
He was offering me the very things I’d thought I had lost, the things I’d thought I would have to give up. More tears burned my eyes, but I blinked them back.
Laying a hand on his cheek, I nodded.
He pulled me back in for a hard, fast kiss. “You’re my world, Breanna. You and Natanael, you’re everything. Don’t ever think you’re not enough.”
“I’m sorry.” I swallowed the aching knot in my throat. “I should have talked to you.”
“You went through hell.” He rubbed his lips against mine. “I wish you would have let me know so you wouldn’t have been alone.”
I nodded again. I should have called him. He released his hold on my hair, and I dropped my head onto his shoulder, one hand gripping his arm while the other lay limply on my thigh.
“I don’t want to be without you, Ryder.”
“You won’t be.”
34
Breanna
The sun’s light hit the snow, shattering the sky with a brilliance that made it hard to see. I could make out the cabin ahead, and I curled my toes inside my boots.
Ryder and I were spending the next few days alone. It had been several weeks since my surgery, and DeLaria was watching Natanael. Ryder and I had the next few days alone up at his cabin in the Rockies.
Earlier, I’d been the doctor, and she’d cleared me to resume sexual activity.
That was probably why I was so nervous.
I didn’t understand why, but the closer we got to our destination, the more nervous I became.
Other than some mild tenderness, I’d recovered from the surgery. I was no longer so tired all the time and walking from point A to point B didn’t leave me exhausted and out of breath. One thing was certain – I wasn’t going to take my health for granted anymore.
Ryder pulled into the big, U-shaped drive in front of his house. It had already been cleared from the recent snowfall. I’d asked who handled it and Ryder told me a local guy came up here after each snow to clear the way.
Once he stopped the SUV, I climbed out and tipped my face back, feeling the sunlight on my face.
Ryder joined me, and we moved to get our bags from the back. I wasn’t surprised when he insisted on carrying mine.
“The doctor told me I could resume normal activity,” I said mildly. “That includes carrying my overnight bag.”
“Maybe I just want you conserving your energy.” He gave me a heated look, and my girlie parts reacted as one might expect.
We made our way to the door, and I fished into his pocket to liberate the keys. Once we
were inside, I disarmed the system then dropped the keys on the small table in the foyer. As I slid out of my coat, I watched Ryder from under my lashes.
He didn’t seem at all nervous.
After putting the coats away, I shifted from one foot to the other as I looked around, looking at everything but Ryder.
He came up behind me, curving his arms around me. One hand slid protectively down to my belly, covering the healing scar there. “How are you feeling?” he asked.
“So much better.” I relaxed against him, closing my eyes.
He nuzzled my neck, sending a shiver through me.
But when I turned to kiss him, he held me back, his hands on my shoulders. “Why don’t you go run a bath? I want to get dinner started.”
“I can help.”
“No. You’re up here for a weekend of rest and relaxation. Go…take a nice hot bath.” His lips quirked up. “I know you’ve missed being able to soak in a tub.”
“You’re playing dirty.” I wagged a finger at him, but circled around, taking my bag.
He looked like he wanted to argue with me as I lifted it, and I gave him a dark look. “I can get it,” I said emphatically.
He held up his hands in surrender.
I couldn’t keep from smiling as I started up the stairs.
The bedroom was located under a giant, triangular piece of glass that faced west, providing for some seriously spectacular views of the sunsets up here in the mountains.
When I’d been here with Ryder last, we’d curled up in the bed, holding each other and watching as the sun painted the sky with a palette of colors. Maybe tonight we would make love with that amazing sky as a backdrop. I wouldn’t mind seeing the fading sunlight gild Ryder’s hard, perfect body with a golden light.
Then again, I wouldn’t mind seeing Ryder naked in any light.
I unpacked and put the clothes away in the dresser before moving into the bathroom. The deep, sunken tub was like something out of a movie. I climbed the steps of its platform and started the water, waiting until it was just short of scalding before plugging the drain, so the tub could fill.