The following morning he made amazing slow, love to me, and I forgave him—again.
Chapter 2
“Drew, this is ridiculous. You can’t just keep changing therapist just because they want you to say something about who you are. You never want to talk about yourself.”
“That’s because there’s nothing wrong with me in general. It’s us together that you—not me— think needs fixing. I think things are fine between us. I love you, and I love you,” Drew said, kissing the freshly bathed baby Nicky on his naked belly. He cooed and grabbed Drew’s bottom lip.
“You hit me, Drew.”
“Morgan, I told you I was sorry. Have I done it again? I told you, I wouldn’t let it happen again, didn’t I?”
“What if it does?”
“Then we’ll do the counseling thing.”
“Do you promise?”
“I promise, now go take your clothes off so I can play with your pussy.”
“DREW! You can’t say stuff like that in front of Nicky.”
“Trust me. He has no idea what I just said and stop calling him Nicky. He can’t take over the business with a pussy name like that.”
“Will you stop saying that in front of him? Give him to me. I want to rock him to sleep.”
“I want to rock him to sleep.”
“You did it at nap time.”
“Yeah, but I have to leave tomorrow for two days.”
“I don’t want you to leave, Drew. I like you being here with us at night. I hate sleeping alone.”
“You’re never alone. I’m always with you when you sleep. All I have to do is turn my computer on and I see you sleeping. I watch you sleeping every night I’m away from you. And you,” Drew said, kissing Nicholas’ pajama covered belly.
“It’s not the same, and I can’t just flip on the computer and see you.”
“Yes, you can. You do it every night with Skype.”
“That’s different. I can’t just turn it on and see you like you can.”
“Is that what you want? You want me to set up a camera wherever I am? That way you can see me?”
I smiled a pouty smile. “No. It’s not about the cameras,” I admitted.
“I know, the point is you don’t want me to leave you. Did you see that big black hair coming out the side of that woman’s face today? Gross. And you wanted me to tell her personal things about us,” Drew said, diverting the question away from the seriousness and on the therapist we’d seen earlier.
I laughed.
“Come on, let’s go put this little guy to bed.”
“And then you’ll take your clothes off?”
“As long as you quit saying that dirty word in front of my son.”
“Pussy is not a dirty word.”
“Yes, it is. Stop saying it.”
Drew lifted Nicholas to the air, facing him. He needed to see him for this serious conversation. “Pussy is not a dirty word. Pussy is amazing. Stay away from it. It’s an awful addiction.”
“I’m warning you.”
“Come here, Mommy,” Drew teased, pulling me on his lap. I took Nicholas and snuggled in Drew’s chest while we both cuddled our son. Drew rocked us and I hummed, watching our baby’s eyes get heavier and heavier and then close with a deep relaxing breath.
“You do that when you fall asleep,” Drew whispered.
“I do?”
“Yes. I love it. It makes me feel good, knowing you’re relaxed.”
“I’m relaxed right now.”
“Me too. I could die right now, and I’d die a happy man.”
“Don’t die right now.”
“Why?”
“You promised to play with my…..pussy,” I whispered in his ear.
***
Things were awesome once again, and I was more in love with my family than I’d ever thought possible. Drew kept his promise and never hit me again, not until three weeks later anyway. He wasn’t even mad at me. I knew he wasn’t. He’d just lost a big deal to a competitor. I was just the one he took it out on.
“Morgan, I told you I was sorry. Don’t do this. I hate talking to those flakes. They don’t know how to help us anymore than I do.”
“You promised, Drew. You might like this girl. Celeste and Alicia saw her for a year after they had Vince.”
Drew rolled his eyes. “Celeste and Alicia have a same sex relationship. What the heck is a lesbian shrink going to know about marital problems?”
“Who said she was gay? I don’t even know that. We’re going. You promised.”
“Fine, but I’m not agreeing that I will keep going. If I don’t like her, I’m finding someone else. How old is she?”
“I don’t know. What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Well, you said girl. Girl means young.”
“Do you think Celeste is young?”
“Is she Celeste’s age?”
“Yes. Celeste said she was probably close to the same age.”
“Then yes, I think she’s too young.”
“That’s hypocritical.”
“No it’s not. I don’t think Celeste is young for her field. She’s thirty. She can run a business, but I wouldn’t hire her to be my shrink.”
“Turn right here. I’m not even going to comment on that because it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”
“Why’s that stupid? Even if Celeste was a fairy for fucked up married couples, I wouldn’t hire her.”
“Park over there. This is never going to work if you don’t take it serious. We may as well just go back home.”
“I’m sorry. No more fairy jokes. Promise.”
“Please give her chance, Drew.”
“I will, but this place looks like they do pro-bono or something. You sure this chick is legit?”
“Celeste recommended her.”
“Why?”
“She says she’s good.” I shrugged.
“What does that mean?”
We both found out what it meant when we were showed to Deidra Wellington’s office. She was a pretty girl, my height, close to my weight with shorter hair. I knew what Drew was thinking when he saw her butch haircut.
“Have a seat.” She gestured towards a gray sofa. She didn’t look like a professional at all. She wore a pink golf shirt and jeans. The other four counselors we’d seen dressed to impress, kind of like Drew did. Deidra wasn’t trying to impress anyone. Her persona made that clear right off the bat.
“I’m Deidra,” she said, offering us her hand. She sat across from us and crossed her legs.
“Don’t you need your laptop or pad and paper for notes?” Drew asked.
“Not on this visit. I thought we’d spend a little time getting acquainted today.”
“What do you want to know? You know our names, you know from the questionnaire that we’ve been married for ten years. We have a son. Aren’t you supposed to ask the questions?”
“Let’s get something straight right immediately, Drew.”
“Mr. Kelley.”
“Drew. Stop it,” I chastised.
Deidra stood and opened her door. “I’m afraid this is not the best idea, Drew. Maybe you should find someone that can suck up to you. I won’t be doing that in this office.”
“Let’s go, Morgan.” Drew ordered, taking my arm and standing.
“No. Drew. We’re not leaving. You do this every time just so you don’t have to talk to anyone. What do you want?”
“Morgan, I am not talking to someone like this. Either we work with a professional, or we don’t do this at all.”
Crossing my arms, I plopped back to the sofa. I wasn’t moving. He wasn’t doing this again. Besides, I liked her.
Drew looked at me and then back to Deidra. She smiled and closed the door when Drew sat, crossed his ankle over his leg, and breathed an exasperated breath.
“Okay, shall we begin?”
The first meeting with Deidra lasted an hour. We mostly discussed our routine. What we did on
a daily basis; Drew’s job—what he did for a living—and what we did for fun.
“I liked her,” I admitted as Drew backed out of the cramped parking lot.
“I didn’t. Find someone else.”
“No, we’re seeing Deidra Wellington. You’re just mad because she didn’t bow down and kiss your shoes.”
“I’m paying her.”
“I’ll pay her. We’re not finding another therapist, Drew.”
“Morgan, why do we need to do this anyway? We’re fine.”
“Are we?”
“What does that mean?”
“Fine, let’s quit. Let’s just keep on going in the direction that we’re heading and see where it takes us.”
I knew I’d won. Drew audibly took a deep breath through his nose and reached for my hand. Kissing the back of my hand, he gave me that look of defeat, handing over my victory.
***
“What did you think? Isn’t she great?” Celeste asked, taking a break from numbers and my husband. She took Nicky from my arms and kissed his chubby little cheeks.
“I loved her. Drew, not so much. She put him in his place the first five minutes we were there. He wanted to leave right that second.”
“Yeah, she did the same thing with me. She actually stood up and told us we could leave.”
I laughed. “She did that to us too. I should be surprised, but I’m not. You’re a lot like my husband.”
“If you ever say that again, I’ll hire a hit man and have you knocked off.”
“She’s right,” Alicia agreed, taking my baby from Celeste. “You’re a female version of Drew Kelley.”
“I am not. We’re nothing alike,” Celeste argued.
“Okay, whatever,” I teased, placing my hand over Alicia’s very pregnant belly. “I can’t wait for this little girl to get here. I am going to spoil her rotten. Isn’t that right, Nicky boy?”
“Stop calling my son Nicky,” Drew ordered, taking him from Alicia. “I can’t wait for this little girl either, maybe you’ll stop treating my boy like a girl.”
“Are we going to eat or what? I’m starving,” Alicia whined.
“You’re always starving,” Celeste joked.
“And horny.” Alicia laughed. I freaking loved that girl.
“Oh, my god, Alicia. Shut the hell up,” Celeste spouted.
I laughed again. “She’s pregnant. That’s the best sex ever. Your hormones are on crazy overload.”
“Are you taking Nicky or can I take him for his bath?” Marta interrupted.
“Stop calling him Nicky.” Drew demanded, sending the rest of us into a laughing frenzy.
***
The following Thursday I had to drag Drew to our appointment with Deidra. He whined all morning about having too much work to do. Thank god for Celeste backing me up. She made sure he knew she was perfectly capable of handling the conference call with the investors up north. He knew that fact. He was trying to evade the meeting that I wasn’t about to let him out of.
Deidra started with me. I was a little surprised at where she wanted to go. None of the other therapist had done this.
“Where you always wealthy?” she asked me first.
I looked over to Drew.
“Is this really necessary?” he asked.
Deidra sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. “That’s up to you guys. I guess if you just want to work on the symptoms rather than the cause we can do that. What did you have for dinner last night?” she sarcastically asked, brushing nothing from her knee.
“Let’s go, Morgan,” Drew tried again.
“I was not raised with any money,” I began.
“Where you born around here?” Deidra continued.
“No. I was born in a welfare town in West Virginia.”
We spent the entire hour talking about me. Deidra had me start with my first memory.
“I guess I was around three. I remember being with my Grandma Joyce. She kept me a lot when I was little.”
“What did your parents do?”
“Well, my mother worked at a truck stop, waiting tables, and my dad, he was the town drunk.” There was no other way to describe my dad. That’s what he did. I didn’t remember him ever working.
“He’s not her father,” Drew interrupted.
“We’ll get to that later. Continue,” Deidra coaxed.
I told her about the cold winters in the trailer, the neglect from both my parents, and the arrival of a new baby when I was twelve. I grew up fast when Justin was born. I was Justin’s mother. I was the one that took care of him. I don’t know what the logic behind all this was. Talking about Justin, and the way we lived put me in a place I hadn’t let myself go for a long time. Five short years, that’s it. Five years before he was ripped from my arms and my life. It wasn’t fair. I couldn’t hear his laugh anymore.
“You had no right. He didn’t belong to you to give away. He was mine,” I screamed at Drew. I cried, really cried, pushing Drew away. I didn’t know where this was coming from. I didn’t let myself think about Justin. I couldn’t, it hurt too much. Why would she think this would help anything? I didn’t want her to be our therapist anymore either.
“Are you even serious right now?” Drew angrily asked Deidra. “You think this is helping? You think opening up old wounds is going to help anything?”
Deidra removed her dark framed glasses from her face and sat up. Resting her elbows on her knees she spoke to Drew and not me.
“I think this is a small piece to a very big puzzle. Morgan is displaying the symptom, right here in front of your eyes. What’s the cause, Drew? Tell me what’s going on here.”
Drew looked to me and then back to her with a look of realization. “I’m the cause. You resent me for taking Justin from you. You’ve never let that go, have you, Morgan?” he asked.
I didn’t reply. He was right. Deidra was right. I hated him and still carried a lot of animosity over my little brother.
“How do I fix it, Morgan? I don’t know what to do.”
“There may be nothing that you can do, Drew. The only thing that may need to be done is acknowledging that you were the cause of Morgan never seeing her brother again. Maybe she just needs you to admit that you were wrong, that you’re sorry, and you’d do anything in your power to take it back,” Deidra explained.
“I would, Morgan. I’d change it in a heartbeat if I could. You know that, right?” Drew desperately confessed, taking my hand.
I let him and wiped falling tears with the back of my other hand.
“I think that’s enough for one day. Let’s continue here next week,” Deidra suggested, sensing I’d had enough.
I had. I didn’t want to do this anymore either. She wasn’t like the rest of them. She wasn’t going to let us talk about our marriage in the now, covering up the past. She was going to pull out every painful event we’d been through. I was sure of it.
Chapter 3
“I don’t want to leave you,” Drew confessed, sitting on the toilet while Nicky kicked his little legs, splashing in the bath water. He loved bath time and was so darn cute, balling his little fist excitedly while his feet and legs danced in the warm water.
“I’m fine, Drew. You can go. You’re only going for two days.”
“I’m afraid, Morgan. What if you’re not okay?”
I wanted to walk to him, fall into his arms, let him know that I loved him, and we’d make it through this. I didn’t dare leave Nicky though, not for a second. He was rolling all over the place now.
Laying on the bed, playing with Nicholas, Drew stared at me. I knew he needed something. I just didn’t know what it was he needed or how to give it to him. I forgave him for taking Justin from me. I didn’t know what else to say.
“Take me to bed, Daddy,” I said, talking for Nicky who was rubbing his sleepy eyes.
Drew picked him up and carried him to his room. I soaked in a tub of erotic smelling bubbles, contemplating our session with Deidra that day. Afraid of where
we were going to end up, I knew things were going to get deeper. Had I known how much deeper, I may have let Drew fire her that day.
Drew was barely rocking, patting Nicky on his diapered butt when he rocked back. I stood quietly at the door, watching him with his son. There was nothing Drew could do that was any sexier. I loved seeing him rock Nicky. It warmed my blood and melted my heart.
“He’s asleep,” I announced quietly.
“I know. I just never want to lose him. I love him so much, Morgan.”
I tussled his hair and smiled a weak smile down at him. Taking the baby, I knew where he was going with this, what he was thinking. I was right and as soon as Drew showered and crawled in beside me he started.
“Morgan?”
“Hmm?” I mumbled in his chest.
“I never thought about how that made you feel. I never thought about it until today. I can’t imagine someone taking Nicholas from me now. I can’t conceive of never seeing him again.”
I looked up to him, deciding not to let it blow over, tell him it was fine, let him off the hook. I needed to stop enabling him. “You can’t imagine that, Drew. Did you know that I was the one to take care of him from the day he came home from the hospital? I woke with him at two o’clock in the morning to feed him, I changed him using the cloth diapers that I washed by hand myself.”
“Where were your parents?”
I shrugged and rolled to my back, staring up at the ceiling. “Probably at the bar. I don’t know. They never told me where they were going. They just left me to tend to him.”
“Where was your grandmother? You said she took care of you.”
“She lived up the lane, but she wasn’t well. She couldn’t take care of a baby, and my dad forbade me to take him there.”
“He’s not your dad. Stop calling him that. Why didn’t you tell a teacher, a principle, anyone? Why didn’t you stand up for yourself and get yourself and Justin out of that environment?”
“I was twelve, Drew. Where do you think I would have gone? I was a statistic, just like everyone else that lived there.”