* * *
The theater was packed with passengers waiting to see what the crew had prepared for them. All the way in the back, Aaron, Kieran, Sofia, Carla and Diego had to stand up because there were no seats left. Denise gave the excuse she had something to finish in the office and would meet them later. The day before turnaround no one found that strange.
Around eight thirty Eli came on stage holding a microphone. She welcomed the audience, made a few jokes and then introduced the first performer: Tiago, a Brazilian photographer who played guitar and sang a couple of popular American songs. A pair of Argentinean waiters danced a tango and then there was a juggler from Canada who worked for the production department and a Filipino cook with a fantastic voice. A few more performances followed, including an Indian dishwasher who put on a dancing act that impressed everyone because he was so flexible it looked like he was made of rubber. The passengers all seemed to be having a wonderful time judging by the applauses.
More than one hour passed and Eli returned to the stage. Sofia started to think that maybe Denise had changed her mind when the deputy cruise director spoke again.
“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s last performer was as much a surprise for me as I’m sure will be for you. On the piano, please welcome, Denise Kilner, our lovely front desk supervisor.” Eli announced cheerfully and everyone clapped.
Denise came on stage wearing a long sleeveless black dress and her hair pulled back on a pony tail. The dress made her look taller and very elegant. Under the stage’s lights she looked absolutely stunning. If she was nervous, her confident expression denied it perfectly.
She played beautifully and perfectly. When she finished and walked to the front of the stage the audience applauded standing. In unison they shouted one more. Denise played another two pieces and stopped when Eli gave her the sign from behind the stage.
The show was an incredible success and Denise listened to the applauses with surprise. It didn’t feel real. The lights didn’t allow her to see past the first two rows and she had no idea that all the way on the top, by the exit door, her boyfriend was turning his back and walking out discretely.
She made her way out of the theater through the door on the deck below still feeling a little nervous with her first public appearance after so many years, but happy she had the courage to do it. As soon as she reached the last step, holding her dress to prevent her from tripping, she saw him, leaning against a wall with his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes on hers.
Denise looked at Diego and tried to make a mental picture of that moment. He looked wonderful in his black suit, his face barely illuminated by the low lights of the staircase. That was how she wanted to remember him when he left: handsome, sober and somehow unreachable.
“Congratulations. That was beautiful. Hidden talent?” He asked casually.
If it had hurt him that she kept that from him, he didn’t show it at all.
“We all have hidden talents, remember?” She replied, her voice cold because she couldn’t keep it out of her mind that he was leaving the next day.
Diego looked at her in the eyes for a moment. Her makeup was darker than usual but it highlighted the blue in her eyes and Diego loved her eyes. Her dress was a high contrast with her pale skin and she looked stunning wearing it. It looked like it had been designed especially for her.
“I’m sorry I never taught you how to dance salsa.” He murmured.
“I’m sorry I never told you I could play piano.”
He smiled and remembered Sofia’s words you are what you do, not what you say. He offered his arm and caressed her hand.
“Would you like to come with me for a drink? Aaron is offering. Apparently he has many bottles left in his cabin.”
Denise took his hand and made the two floors down to deck 4 in silence. She would have preferred something more intimate, but with so many people leaving and Sofia’s sudden engagement, it would have been selfish not to be there for her friends. Tonight, like in so many other nights before, it was not about her and she was satisfied that she could share somebody else’s happiness. That was a nice way to end a beautiful night.
Everyone complimented her as soon as they entered Aaron’s cabin. Denise wasn’t looking for attention, but if felt good to be appreciated. It was also then that she started thinking that maybe Sofia was right and she should make better use of her ability as a musician.
At midnight the clock announced the longest twenty four hours in Denise’s life. Sitting on the bed, Diego observed her taking off her dress and changing into her silky sleeping gown. She dropped off the dress on the chair distractedly.
“You know, I would have liked you to play for me some time. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Denise looked at him with the same strength and coldness that had helped her survive so far and decided that he needed a politically correct answer rather than the truth.
“We all keep things to ourselves.” She answered vaguely.
He rose without answering, picked a CD and turned on the player. “Dance with me.” He asked, removing the chair from the way.
“That’s salsa. I don’t know the steps.”
He pulled her against him, put his left arm around her back and held her right hand. “I’ll teach you.”
They moved effortlessly to the pace of the drums and the Latin voices and Denise followed Diego’s moves. It wasn’t that hard. She felt numb, almost as if she didn’t belong in her own world anymore. They danced for a little while and then Diego held her in a tight hug and buried his face in her hair. She smelled great. He was going to miss her smell, her small body against his, the touch of her lips. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for breaking her heart, for not being who she had expected him to be, but he couldn’t get the words out so he just kept holding her until she parted from him and went to the bed they were going to share for the last time.
25
Denise’s worst nightmare became reality at six o’clock in the morning in Auckland. She had always known the day would come and there was no way to avoid it. It was time to say goodbye.
Her night had been passed in blank. In the morning she stayed in bed a little longer while he was getting ready. She avoided turning on the lights, knowing the bags under her eyes were huge and her face looked very tired.
Diego put his clothes on in silence and still in her sleeping gown, Denise stood up and faced him in the dusky light.
“This is it…” He said in a whisper, with his backpack ready next to the door and his brown jacket on the back of the chair.
“I guess so.” The muscles in her stomach quivered, but not her voice.
“I know I don’t have the right to ask you anything, but there is something I need to ask you.”
Denise nodded and didn’t reply. She waited to hear what he had to say.
He left out a long breath as she remained standing in front of him. “Please remember the good moments.”
She stared at him without saying a word and her silence bothered him. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. Her heart raced and she put her left hand over her chest like that could slow it down.
“It was very nice being with you.” He added.
“Please go.” She asked, desperately wanting to put an end to that torture and thinking that was the lamest thing she had ever heard in her life.
Diego turned around gloomily and closed the door behind him. As soon as she heard the lock, Denise burst in tears and cried compulsively. Her sobs were loud and uneven. She felt like someone stabbed her so deeply she could feel the imaginary blade sticking out of her back.
She threw herself on the bed and hid her head on the pillows. When her heart finally slowed down to a more even rhythm she took a deep breath and wept all she needed. Then she washed her face with cold water, put on her uniform with her hands shaking and did her best to arrange her makeup well enough to create a mask so people wouldn’t understand what an emotional wreck she was. She put on a pair of
earrings, a bit of perfume and took another deep breath before she made her way to the back office.
She arrived a few minutes late but this time Leah didn’t say much when she walked in.
“Good morning Denise.” She greeted politely.
With almost three thousand passengers to disembark before eleven and half a new team arriving, Denise couldn’t take time to herself. On ships, personal life stays in the cabin. The front desk supervisor couldn’t afford to think about her feelings on turnaround day. Duty came first and with that in mind she walked into the reception area greeting people and smiling, putting all her strength together to face the inquisitive looks of everyone who knew her boyfriend had just left. Worse than the pain was the looks of pity from colleagues and she was determined to avoid those.
When she sat in front of the computer the one person she would never be able to fool arrived, returning from the hotel director’s office. Ian only had to look at her once. He squatted by the side of her chair and whispered his favorite Mark Twain words in her hear: “Dance like nobody’s watching; sing like nobody is listening, live like it’s heaven on earth, love like you’ve never been hurt.”
For a brief moment she didn’t react but then her lips blossomed into a shy smile that carried above all, gratitude.
They both stood up and he held her tight against his chest, feeling her hard breathing. Denise fought the tears that were burning her eyes.
“I think I’m going to take you for breakfast.” Ian offered kindly.
“Leah is going to be upset.”
“No, she won’t.” He affirmed automatically.
He pulled her by the hand and as they passed by the front office manager’s door he peaked inside. “Leah, I’m taking Denise for some food, okay?”
She lifted her head from the credit card slips she was looking at. “Sure. Enjoy.”
“Wow.” Denise muttered.
“You know, Leah is not on the run for miss congeniality, but she’s not as bad as you think either.”
She glanced at him for a second. “I could argue with you about that, but not today.” Instead, she took his arm and remained close to him while they walked downstairs to deck 4.
When they passed by the open gangway she looked outside right on time to have a last glimpse of the tall young man wearing a brown jacket and a gray backpack, walking away towards the bus that was taking the leaving crew to the airport.
Denise survived the day the best she could, grateful that it had been so busy because that gave her the distraction she needed. At seven o’clock in the evening, when she was about to shut down her computer and take some time to get the horrible grief out of her compressed chest Sabrina, a recent acquisition from Austria, came in with a very upset face.
“Hi Denise. I know you were leaving but I really need help with a passenger. He’s giving me such a hard time…” She said with a broken voice.
It seemed like someone was not having a good first day onboard.
“What is it? What did he tell you?”
“He’s a dark skinned guy, very big, and he wants a room with a bath because the shower is too small for him. I told him we are sailing full but he won’t believe me and he said he wants to talk to someone else because I’m a Nazi.”
Denise’s eyes nearly popped out. “He called you a Nazi?”
“Yes.” Sabrina confirmed.
“In those exact words?”
She nodded affirmatively.
The front desk supervisor had a quick look next door. Leah was gone and that was good news. Denise paged someone and Sabrina’s eyes met hers with an inquisitive expression.
“Can you talk to him? You’re from Switzerland. You’re supposed to be neutral.” She asked.
“No. I think we can do better than that.”
“Who did you page?” She enquired.
“Chris. Our new assistant night manager. He should be on his way to start his shift anyway.”
“But he’s from Germany!” Sabrina observed confused.
“Precisely. Now please go tell Mr. Racist that your supervisor will be with him shortly. And don’t mention the nationality.”
Sabrina got the point and left with a smirk.
As soon as Chris came in Denise orders were very clear. “Make sure he reads Germany in your name badge. When he gets either very angry or really embarrassed, call me.” She said.
Chris was more than happy to do that. He didn’t like racism and Nazi was just about the worst thing someone could ever call him.
Her idea worked and not even ten minutes later she met the angry passenger, who insisted that Sabrina and Chris refused to give him another room because of his skin color. Denise looked at him incredulously for a moment. The man was over six feet tall and as wide as a door. No wonder he wouldn’t fit in the shower. What he really needed was a pool.
“Sir,” She said very politely and kept her voice low, “I believe you have already been advised that we are sailing full and we don’t have any suites available. Suites are the only rooms with baths.”
He gave her a killer look. “You’re with them, aren’t you? I want to speak to your supervisor. Call him.” He demanded bitterly.
“I AM the supervisor. There is no one else you can speak to. My supervisor will be in at eight tomorrow morning. You can talk to HER then.”
He started to understand that things weren’t going to work the way he was expecting and became impatient.
“There has to be someone I can talk to.” The passenger insisted.
“Like I said, eight o’clock tomorrow morning. Meanwhile you can talk to whoever else you like, but I can promise you nothing is going to change. And please, don’t ever insult one of my team members again.” She advised, this time sounding threatening enough for him to get the point.
He left the front desk mumbling something that sounded like a train of profanities. Before heading back to her cabin, Denise left Ian a note asking him to make sure that the passenger would not receive an upgrade, even if the grand suite became suddenly available. She didn’t want to reward his abusive behavior and allow him to think it was acceptable.
After a very long day Denise finally made it to her empty room on deck 4. She didn’t know exactly what she was feeling at that point. There was only numbness, physical and emotional, when she dropped her clothes on the floor and turned on the shower. A moment later her tears were flowing as fast as the water running from the shower head.
She thought about the many times she had shared that shower with Diego and how wonderful each of them had been, how warm his hands used to feel, how protective he was when she was in his arms. Her sobs were violent and painful. She tried hard to control herself but she couldn’t so she just kept crying until she had no more tears. When she was feeling relieved and breathing normally again she got out of the shower.
Sofia knocked on the door, concerned. Between saying goodbye to Kieran and the work during the day, it hadn’t been possible to see how her friend was doing and a phone call didn’t seem appropriate.
Denise opened the door, wrapped in a bath towel, the redness in her eyes standing out on her pale face.
“Come in.” She invited and closed the door. Then she sat on the bed and tried to brush her tangled hair.
Sofia sat next to her and tried to picture what was going through her mind. “How was your day?” She enquired, feeling stupid for asking that question.
Denise took a moment, like she was analyzing the question and looking for the appropriate answer. “After Diego left this morning I managed to work twelve hours in a row. I don’t really know how my day was, but I’m glad I made it with my head up. I’ve never tried drugs but I’m pretty sure being high must feel just like this: totally surreal.”
Sofia held her friend’s hand and looked her in the eyes. “No one should ever have to go through what you are feeling right now. How are you, for real? Tell me truth, I won’t judge you.”
“For the past two months I’ve been tortur
ing myself, anticipating this day, sad and lonely. Now it’s finally over. My heart is in more pieces than a jigsaw puzzle. I’m falling apart, but at least it’s over. It’s going to take a long time to fix me, but it’s good to know I don’t have illusions or hopes left to hold on to. I can finally let go.” She murmured.
Sofia glanced at her, admiring the courage and dignity she was showing. “You are truly an outstanding person Denise Kilner.”
Denise nodded negatively. “No, I’m not. I’m just a survivor. What about you? Missing your fiancé?”
“Yes, but I’ll see him soon.” Sofia answered with a smile.
Denise rose and put on a clean uniform. “You know what we should do?”
“Tell me.”
“You could make use of those shinny stripes on your shoulders and get us a table in the steakhouse. I need some red meat, good wine and some girl talk to distract me.”
Sofia immediately picked up the handset and made a reservation. It was not difficult at all. Normally on the first night of the cruise the theme restaurants were not so busy and the head waiter arranged them a table straight away.
While Denise finished her grooming Sofia noticed a small leather necklace with a shark tooth pendant on the desk next to a pile of books.
“Is that Diego’s necklace?” She asked.
“Yes. He forgot it in the bathroom this morning. It’s funny, you know, all this time he never gave me anything and it never bothered me not to receive presents because all I wanted was him. Now all I have left is that necklace.” Denise observed, wrapping the leather around her fingers. “I think I’m going to keep it for now, a recuerdo like they say in Spain.”
Sofia rolled her eyes heavenwards. “I think you need a life! Let’s go. There’s some tasty food waiting for us.” She said, wondering what kind of person dates someone for months and never once offers her at least a small gift to remember them.
“I hope they still have that Australian Shiraz I love.” Denise said when they entered the elevator.
“Is that the one that costs 70$ a bottle?”
“That one.”
“I guess you’re entitled tonight.” Sofia smirked and tapped her friend’s shoulder.
A smiling waiter received them by the door and gave the girls a table in a privileged location by the window, an honor normally only given to passengers. The head waiter approached with two menus under his arm.
“Welcome ladies. I reserved this table especially for you. It’s a pleasure to have such beautiful clients. Mauro will be serving you tonight, and let me know if you need anything at all.” He said with a hospitable tone.
The two friends thanked him and ordered their meals, happy with the attention and the compliments. It was nice to be pampered once in a while.
Denise finished her first glass of wine and as soon as she started cutting the filet-mignon on her plate, her eyes captured something she really didn’t want to see. With her back to the door, Sofia didn’t get it right away.
“Do I look pretty?” Denise asked like it was a matter of life or death.
“Yes, you look beautiful. Why?”
“Don’t look back now, but the snake squad just came in and I want to make sure I look gorgeous and happy. I’m not going to give them the pleasure to see me hurting.” She snorted.
Sofia smiled and nodded in agreement. “I’m sure one of them is Leah. Who are the other snakes?”
“The first purser, Elaine, and Kate, of course. What a group. I would say it’s a match made in hell.” Denise observed.
Sofia poured more wine into her glass. “Didn’t you tell me that Elaine and Kate don’t like each other?”
“They don’t, but when you’re a backstabbing bitch it’s all part of the game.”
“That’s not healthy.”
“It’s not healthy for the little creatures like me. I’m sure they’re immune to their own poison.” Denise pointed out and Sofia chuckled.
Already tipsy, they ordered another bottle of wine and Denise started feeling lighter and happy, one of the perks of consuming too much alcohol. She observed with satisfaction when her supervisors sat across the room and she wouldn’t have to finish her meal looking at them.
“I hope they choke!” She wished with an evil grin.
“No, you don’t. If they choke I’ll have to take care of them, and that would spoil our night.”
“Well observed. All right, I hope they have a lovely dinner and that they all wake up with a horrible diarrhea tomorrow.” Denise added, laughing at her own idea.
“You’re helpless!” Sofia said in amusement.
Both of them started laughing and only stopped when the waiter asked them if they would like dessert. They were more than full but there was always space for a little more and the menu was quite irresistible.
Denise ordered a chocolate soufflé to complete her sinful evening and Sofia picked the cheesecake. The desserts tasted great and when they finished the doctor caressed her stomach with round movements.
“Oh my God, I’m so drunk and so full I’m going to need wheelchair assistance to get out of here!”
Denise poured the rest of the second bottle into the glasses. “Wheelchair seems like a really good idea.”
The two friends said goodbye to the lovely staff and took the first elevator they could find. It was better to wobble on deck 4 than in front of passengers. Sofia stopped by the door of Denise’s cabin and asked her if she would like for her to sleep over.
“No, it’s very kind of you but I’m so drunk that I won’t be able to feel anything. I’m just going to wash up, brush my teeth and go to bed.”
Sofia gave her a tight, almost maternal hug that filled her heart with emotion. “Please call me if you don’t feel well.”
“I will.” She promised.
As soon as Denise turned on the lights in her cabin she immediately noticed the huge bouquet of flowers on her desk. Her first thought was that they were from Diego and she smiled with a twinge of satisfaction. She opened the little envelope to read the message.
“Dear Denise, it was such a pleasure to meet you. You are a wonderful person and I’m very happy Sofia has such a great friend onboard. Thank you for making my cruise so enjoyable. Kieran”
She read the note one more time sitting on the bed because she was too drunk to stand up. Her brain was not in its best shape but she could still process enough to realize that someone who had only met her for a few days thought about sending her flowers, while someone who had slept with her for months couldn’t do better than saying it was nice being with her. She felt the tears running down her face again and the sobs coming out of her throat. Could she possibly still have any tears left and how had she been able to fall in love with someone like Diego in the first place?
“I must be really stupid!” She murmured in the empty room. All over her, the cabin walls seemed to be closing in and she felt like she was suffocating for a moment. She removed her clothes, her makeup and washed her face under running water. When her head hit the soft pillow all she could feel was emptiness.