February 15
Two months.
February 19
Elemental testing with Ms. Carmack today. Surprise, surprise: no sign of me specializing. What’s weird is I’ve actually improved a little in all the elements. I can work with each of them at about the same level. My control in each of them is better than what any specialized Moroi can do with their nondominant elements, but it’s still nowhere near a true specialization. Ms. Carmack was really diplomatic about it all. She gave me the old line about how it just takes time and how it’s not surprising after everything I’ve been through. Later, I heard her telling Headmistress Kirova that she’s concerned. Apparently, it’s actually really weird. Welcome to my life.
February 21
I don’t understand what happened today. I guess I should start at the beginning.
It’s not really spring yet, but the weather warmed up a lot. Rose insisted we go outside. She’s been worried about me ever since the dance and keeps going out of her way to find fun things for us to do. She got a bottle of peach schnapps from Abby Badica somehow, and we sneaked out to drink it. And actually, it was fun … at first. It was just the two of us, laughing and drinking. It was like the old days.
Then we got busted by Ms. Karp. She was as weird as usual but was actually pretty nice about it all and didn’t report us. As we were walking back to the school, we found this raven on the ground. And it was dead. But … I couldn’t stay away from it. I’ve always loved animals, but that wasn’t what drew me. Maybe it was that otherness in me. Rose got worked up about how the raven was probably diseased, but I couldn’t help myself. I touched it, and suddenly … it wasn’t dead. It started moving. And it flew away.
I know that sounds crazy. I might have questioned whether it had really been dead in the first place, except when I touched it, I felt … amazing. Like the complete and total opposite of that darkness that drags me down. I felt energized, light. Like a goddess. Like I could do anything.
Ms. Karp freaked out. She actually grabbed me and began ranting about how nothing had happened. But at the same time, she also kept saying we couldn’t tell anyone what had happened. She said they’d start looking for me, but she didn’t say who “they” were. I’ve always thought Ms. Karp was weird, but for the first time, I think she might be insane. And yet who am I to judge? After what I saw—or think I saw—maybe I am too.
February 22
Rose and I haven’t talked about the raven. I still felt high and glorious, but I also felt exhausted. I went to the feeders, even though I’d just been there before school. And then I was exhausted. I slept hard and almost missed my first class today. And I don’t feel wonderful anymore. I’m back in that hole. Rose can tell and hasn’t wanted to leave my side all day. She’s afraid I’ll hurt myself again. I am too, so I’m trying to resist it. It’s a little easier with her around. She makes me feel stronger.
February 28
I feel like I’m being watched.
March 2
I’m tired of people. I’m tired of smiling and dealing with the drama and expectations surrounding me. I feel like I can’t breathe at St. Vladimir’s anymore. There’s just too much. Too much everything.
March 5
Ms. Karp is gone, and no one will tell us why. There’s a new biology instructor, and all the other teachers act like Ms. Karp never existed.
March 8
Uncle Victor came to visit Natalie today and spent some time with me. He kept wanting to know how I was. He’d ask it in different ways—how my grades were, how Aaron was, how I was coping being the only Dragomir. I’ve been trying to hide how strange I feel lately, but I wonder if someone noticed and told him. It makes me feel bad. He has so many of his own problems to deal with, and I don’t want him to worry about me too.
March 15
It’s been three months.
March 17
I lost it again. Only this time I lost it in public. It’s kind of a blur. Rose and I went to this party last night. Wade had a feeder there, and she was pretty out of it—even more than a normal feeder. And he wanted to do things to her … things he shouldn’t have … and I couldn’t let him. He had to stop. And I was the one who made him stop. I made him suffer. I made him break a window. I made him hurt himself. Part of me knew it was awful. I hate violence. But at the same time, I knew he deserved it. He had to be punished, and that strange exhilaration burned through me the whole time. I lost myself, and Rose had to talk me back.
Afterward, when the party had been broken up because of the commotion, no one could really explain what had happened. They’d all been drunk and probably thought they were imagining things. Rose took the blame for the damage, and I can tell something’s changed in her.
March 18
Rose is frightened again, but this time it’s different. She isn’t trying to distract herself from it. She isn’t trying to distract me. She’s quiet and calculating. She doesn’t joke. I can tell from her eyes that she’s planning something, but she won’t say what. I wish I could see into her mind.
March 19
A bunch of council members visited from Court earlier, so we got to have a special schoolwide reception in their honor. Even Rose got to come while on detention. I’m still furious that she has to pay for what Wade did. For what I did. It’s been tearing me up, and after the reception, I sort of went off about it to Rose and how much I hate Wade and his smug attitude. I didn’t think I was acting that weird, but the more I talked, the more Rose looked like she didn’t even recognize me.
Before I knew it, she was leading me out of the school, out to the parking lot. She told me we were leaving St. Vladimir’s right now. That we had to. One of the councilmember’s chauffeurs was getting his car ready, and Rose had me compel him to help hide us in the trunk. We found out he works for Maisie Lazar’s dad and that they were actually leaving around dawn, so Rose and I each had time to race back to our respective dorms and gather a few essentials. I’m waiting for her now near the parking lot, and I still don’t really understand what’s happening. When I asked her why we were leaving, she just said, “I’m taking care of you. You don’t need to know anything else.”
March 20
We did it. We left last night.
After I met back up again with Rose at the parking lot, I made the chauffeur let us into the trunk and then forget he’d ever seen us. I felt guilty over that compulsion, but blurring his memory was nowhere near as bad as making Wade do all of those terrible things. Mr. Lazar arrived at dawn, and we got on the road. It was a miserable trip. The trunk was hot and stuffy and smelled like gasoline. I should’ve demanded answers from Rose. I should’ve told her leaving was crazy and that we needed to go back. But I didn’t because, somehow, I knew we were doing the right thing. We had to get away from St. Vladimir’s.
In Missoula, Rose and I climbed out of the trunk when Mr. Lazar stopped for food. The first place we went to was the bank that’s always held my family’s accounts. Part of my inheritance is frozen until I’m eighteen, but I still have a huge fund I can draw from as needed. Rose told me to empty it. She’d even brought a bag specifically to carry the cash. It was like a bank heist in a movie. After that, we went straight to the bus station and got on the first bus that was leaving. “Everyone’s still asleep at school,” Rose kept saying. “We’ve got to get far away before they realize we’ve left. And we’ve got to keep changing it up.”
That first bus took us to Billings. Then we took another to Rapid City. That was when Rose really got tense. “They know we’re gone by now. They’ll check every public transportation place in a day’s radius and put out our descriptions.” Now we’re on an overnight bus to Milwaukee. I can hardly think anymore. I’m not really on a human or Moroi schedule, just an exhausted one. I’m going to try to get some rest. Rose looks like she can stay awake forever.
March 21
We made it to Milwaukee this morning, and Rose immediately got us a ride to Madison by hitchhiking with some college kids.
She never took her eyes off them the whole time. She doesn’t trust hitchhiking, but getting away from bus stations makes us harder to track. We made it to Madison without any incident. I’ve never been to Wisconsin before. It’s very flat. Our plan is to live around large universities. It’s easier to blend in, and no one questions two girls on their own—or who pay rent in cash. A lot of students are looking for roommates and sublets, and by this evening, we had a room in a house with five other people. Our room had belonged to someone who’d studied abroad in France last semester and ended up staying in Paris with an artist she’d met.
We ordered a pizza for dinner, and while we were eating, I suddenly realized that today is Rose’s birthday. Sweet sixteen. I still feel horrible for forgetting. “I don’t have a present for you,” I told her. She responded: “You’re alive. That’s all I need.”
March 22
We went shopping today. Our room came with bunk beds, and the rest of the house has furniture and kitchen utensils, but we don’t have anything personal, like sheets or towels. Rose was paranoid the whole time we were out. She kept peeking around corners and store displays and glared at anyone who came too close to us. I found some unicorn sheets that were on clearance, but when I picked them up, she said, without even looking at me: “Don’t even think about it, Liss. Just because I’m on watch for guardians doesn’t mean I’m oblivious to poor retail decisions.”
March 23
We cooked our first meal today. I didn’t know it was possible to burn spaghetti.
March 25
It turns out you can’t put aluminum foil in the microwave. We have to go shopping again to buy a new one for the house.
March 27
I think I’ve adjusted to a human schedule, though going to bed when it’s dark will never feel normal. I don’t know what kind of schedule Rose is on. She’s worried about Strigoi, not just guardians, so she stays up a lot of the night and naps most of the morning away.
March 29
Rose is still paranoid, but I’m starting to relax. It’s so much easier here than at St. Vladimir’s. I don’t have all those people watching me or expecting me to do things. I’m not constantly reminded that I’m the last in my family. I just blend in with all the other students. Rose and I make a point of getting out of the house every day so that our housemates think we’re taking classes. Sometimes we do go to classes. It’s easy to sneak into giant lecture halls and listen. I’ve found a political science class I really like. Rose usually sleeps through it. Other times, we go for walks or even leave campus to explore the city. This new life seems to be keeping the darkness at bay, but I’m tired all the time. I keep going to bed earlier and earlier.
March 30
I was so tired today that I didn’t want to go out at all. I spent most of the day on the couch watching talk shows.
March 31
We’re starting to believe we might have really pulled off this escape. But we have a new problem: blood. It’s why I’m always so wiped out. I’ve never gone this long without blood, and I’m even starting to dream about it. When our housemates cooked out on the grill last night, I had them make my hamburger extra rare. Rose and I aren’t sure what to do. We know feeders are recruited from the underbelly of human society, and when she planned our escape, Rose thought we’d somehow just stumble across willing volunteers. It turns out that’s not how it works.
April 1
I woke up feeling so awful that I could barely get out of bed. When I did, I threw up. One of our roommates is convinced I’m pregnant. Rose finally told me I needed to drink her blood. And, of course, I told her even I’m not that crazy. Moroi can survive off dhampir blood, sure, but it’s wrong to do it. Beyond wrong. I still can’t even believe she would have suggested it. Dhampirs guard us. They don’t feed us. And there’s no way I’d risk Rose getting addicted to bites.
April 2
Still sick.
April 3
I did it. I didn’t want to. I swore I wouldn’t. But I was so far gone today that I barely knew my own name or where I was. And when Rose offered me her neck, I didn’t hesitate. I feel so much better now, though I’m still not fully recovered after so much deprivation. I drank more from her than I should have and could have easily done more. She’s sleeping it off now. Watching her, I don’t know how I’m going to live with the guilt. I can’t do it again. We have to find another solution.
April 4
Rose says she is our solution. She says drinking from her isn’t just convenient—it helps keep our presence in Madison a secret. What if we found a feeder who also feeds other Moroi? What if that person gave out our descriptions? It seems unlikely, but Rose is dead set on this. She swears giving blood doesn’t bother her and that all she needs is food and a little rest. I finally caved but haggled with her all day until we reached a compromise on how we’d manage things from now on. I’ll drink from her enough to keep my strength up but much less often than I would with a normal feeder. I can handle a little lethargy. It took a while to get Rose to agree to this. She wants me to be as strong as possible, but I told her she needs to be strong too in order to keep us safe. She couldn’t argue against that, so I guess this is our life now.
April 9
Rose made pancakes this morning without burning them like the last five times she tried. She strutted around all day. You would’ve thought she’d staked her first Strigoi.
April 15
Four months.
April 29
I can’t believe I haven’t written in two weeks. I still feel good. We found a children’s museum looking for volunteers, and after listening to me beg for two weeks, Rose finally agreed that I could do a few hours each week. It makes me feel like I have purpose. She comes with me, of course, and always takes a walk through the building before I start my shift. Then she waits outside for me, and I’m pretty sure she never takes her eyes off the front door. I told her she should find some kind of hobby and that she shouldn’t always base her life around mine. She just said: “I’m a guardian.”
May 2
Rose has a hobby. Some of our housemates are on an Ultimate Frisbee team and needed an extra player yesterday. Rose subbed in, and, surprise, surprise, she’s really good—so good, she had to hold back so her dhampir abilities wouldn’t attract any attention. They asked her to be a regular player, and she accepted. She claims in private that it’s an embarrassment for someone of her “professional status” to participate in such a silly sport, but her eyes lit up when she saw the game schedule. She’s needed something like this more than she realizes. I understand why she has to be so serious and always on guard, but I miss the old, carefree Rose.
May 11
Classes are done for the term, and the attitude around campus has completely changed. There’s a break this month, and then summer session starts. I’m excited. A whole bunch of new classes will be starting, and I can actually sneak in and hear them from the very beginning. After going over the summer schedule, I found the two I want. One’s about ethics in politics. The other’s the history of Eastern Europe after World War II. I showed their descriptions to Rose, and she said she looked forward to having some extra time to catch up on sleep.
May 14
Our housemates have been trying to get us amped up for football, even though it doesn’t start until the fall. I guess it’s kind of a big deal here. I don’t get it, but Rose is hooked. I think she’s in withdrawal from all the punching and hitting of guardian training. One of the guys in the house is so obsessed that he records past games and analyzes them. Rose has started watching with him, and sometimes I’ll hear her yelling at the TV: “What are you doing? He threw it right to you!” I’m glad we’re both starting to find our way here. I think this life is going to be good for us.
May 15
Five months.
May 20
I screwed up.
June 5
I’m only writing today because Rose made me. She says un-burdening myself will make me feel be
tter. I asked how she knew, and she said she saw it on a talk show. But there isn’t much to tell. I’ve spent the last week in bed, not because I’m tired, but because I’m worthless. I ruined everything.
June 9
I’ll try again.
We’re not in Madison anymore. We’re just outside Chicago now, living on the campus of Northwestern University. One day when I was volunteering at the children’s museum back in Madison, a Moroi man and his little daughter came by. Of course they noticed I was Moroi, but the little girl was too caught up in one of the activities to really care. Not the man. He kept trying to strike up a conversation and was saying I looked familiar, even though I very clearly acted busy. Finally, he said that I reminded him of the Dragomirs. It was more of a trivia thing for him—not like he’d been hunting me. He seemed friendly enough and was just on vacation. Probably nothing would have happened, but I freaked out. I compelled him—on purpose—to forget he’d ever seen me. I ordered him to take his daughter out for ice cream and then leave Madison and never come back. And that was exactly what he did. Well, I didn’t see the ice cream or him leaving Madison, but he turned right around as soon as I released him and took his daughter out of the museum. I can’t explain how I know the compulsion worked, but it did.