As soon as Rose heard what had happened, she started making plans for us to leave. We went back to the house and packed up our essentials. We left an envelope with next month’s rent for one of our roommates, and then we were on a bus. Rose has had a backup plan in place for a while, so she already knew where to go.
I was numb the whole time. If I hadn’t made such a big deal about wanting to volunteer and be “useful,” I never would have run into that Moroi. Rose said that’s stupid logic and that we could have run into him anywhere else in the city—unless we never left our room. And then our roommates might report that for being weird too. She kept assuring me I didn’t do anything wrong, that the risk was small, and that it’s just better to be safe.
But of course I did something wrong. We had a good thing in Madison. Both of us did. And I ruined it. Not only that, I compelled someone—majorly compelled. Giving a series of orders like that and making them stick long after they’ve been issued is almost impossible for a Moroi to do, especially to another Moroi. No one can do that. Except for maybe Strigoi. But I did it, and I know it worked. Rose said I shouldn’t feel guilty and that I needed to do whatever I could to survive. “If he forgets you, then that’s a good thing. And what’s so wrong about making a guy take his kid out for ice cream? For all we know, he’s one of those health food nuts and only lets her eat celery.”
But no one should be able to do what I did. No one should be able to play God. The worst part is, it felt so good. I had that wonderful high rushing through me, just like when I touched the raven. But that feeling didn’t last. As soon as we had a new house on a new campus in Chicago, I crashed. I sat in my room and stewed in that darkness. Rose could feel it and knew how badly I wanted to cut myself. Days and days we went like that, and this is the first one I’ve finally been able to do something more than just feel lost. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
June 15
Six months.
June 21
I’m starting to feel hopeful again. The darkness has finally lifted. I feel stupid about swinging to these extremes all the time, but ruminating won’t help. I need to look toward the future. We’re starting to build a life here. Our room is bigger than the last place, which is nice, though Rose says she might concede to each of us getting our own room the next time we move. I was surprised to hear her talk about moving. When I told her I wouldn’t screw things up again, she said that wasn’t what she meant. She claims moving around regularly is simply a smart strategy. We need to stay hidden until I’m eighteen, and then no one can make me go anywhere I don’t want to be. But that’s almost two years away.
June 27
I’ve found more summer lectures to sit in on. There was another political science one I wanted to take, but then I found a class at the same time that was on weapons and warfare in ancient Greece. It’s not my thing at all, but I thought Rose might be into it. And is she ever! I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her pay so much attention in a history class before. Yesterday’s lecture was about this Spartan spear called a dory, and now Rose is trying to figure out how she can get one of her own.
June 30
All our housemates are girls, but one of them has a brother named Jeff who’s also a student. He stops by sometimes and is totally in love with Rose. He doesn’t even hang around his sister anymore and is always trying to ask Rose out. I’ve teased her that she should accept a date and have some fun, even if he’s human. She said if I could read her mind, I’d know he wasn’t her type. I asked what her type was, and all she could come up with was “really, really tall.”
July 4
Our house had a barbecue today, and Jeff lit off fireworks in our backyard. It was fun, but I kept thinking about that summer my family stayed by Lake Tahoe and Andre tried to smuggle in fireworks without Mom knowing. Of course she found out and told him to get rid of them. He did so by destroying them with fire magic, and it practically burned our house down. It was a pretty amazing show, even though he was grounded for a month afterward. Remembering that made me sadder and sadder, and I left the party early. In the kitchen, I ran into Jeff. He’d burned his hand. I helped him wrap it up. When his sister found out, she lectured him on safety. He swore it wasn’t that bad and even unwrapped it to show her. And it actually wasn’t that bad. It was practically nonexistent, compared to what I’d seen earlier. I swear, sometimes I don’t think I can trust my own eyes. How much am I imagining these days?
July 10
I’m sixteen today. It’s hard to believe. To celebrate, Rose and I went into downtown Chicago and broke our normal budget to go on a shopping spree. Afterward, we ate at a fancy restaurant, and Rose ordered everything on the dessert tray. Even she couldn’t finish it. We had them pack it up, and now our refrigerator is full of leftover crème brûlée and tiramisu.
July 14
I’ve got another volunteer job, this time at a nursing home, so I’m working at the other end of the age spectrum. I was nervous about it after what had happened last time, but Rose pushed me into it and even offered to volunteer with me. She’s not usually the public service type, but her job there is “entertainment,” so she sits around and plays poker with the residents. They actually put money on the line when the nurses and attendants aren’t looking.
July 15
Seven months since I lost them all.
July 22
There’s so much going on now, and it’s all good. I’m happy again. Rose is too, though she never lets down her guard. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She found some people who go out to Lake Michigan to play volleyball on the weekends, so we do that now. She teases me that if she’s going to do good work like I do at the nursing home, then I owe it to her to give sports a try. I honestly would, if it wasn’t for the sun. I stay in the shade while she plays. She loves the sun, but as usual, she has to hold back how good she is.
July 29
I don’t feel like writing as much, but it’s mostly because I’m so content and distracted by other things. There’s not a lot to report, and honestly? I kind of love it that way.
August 6
I’ve been practicing the elements in my free time. I keep hoping that Ms. Carmack was right and that it was just the stress of the accident delaying me. But nothing’s changed. I have limited control of all four but nothing extraordinary. When I told Rose that, she said that I was extra, extra extraordinary and that my magic was too lame to even try to catch up.
August 16
I missed the anniversary of the accident yesterday. Rose and I spent most of the day at this film festival that was really weird but lots of fun. I was so caught up that the date slipped my mind. Rose says it means that I’m moving on with my life, but it doesn’t seem fair when Mom, Dad, and Andre never got that chance.
September 13
Regular term is back in session at Northwestern, and it feels like there are a million more people on campus. Rose likes it because it’s easier for us to lose ourselves in the crowd. Also, football season is back, and Rose is just as pumped up as she was watching those old games in Madison. Everyone in the house is. Now I know what Rose must have felt like sitting through those political science lectures. One of the classes I’m listening to this term is about American drama, so I’ve decided Saturday games are the perfect time to catch up on reading plays. I sit with everyone else around the TV, and then I read Arthur Miller and Tennessee Williams. No one even notices, so long as I cheer at the right times.
September 14
There’s a class on ancient Chinese warfare. Guess who wants to sit in on it?
September 18
I forgot the anniversary again.
September 20
Jeff finally got Rose to go out with him by offering her something she couldn’t resist: tickets to a live football game. And of course, Rose going out with him meant I had to go too since she wouldn’t leave me. Jeff brought a friend of his along, so it was sort of a double date. Jeff thought I’d like the guy—Cal—because he’s
“artsy and political and doesn’t like football.” It was kind of true. Neither of us paid attention to the game, but all he talked about was how everything should be made of hemp and how some indie band he used to like is no good anymore because they sold out.
September 24
Jeff keeps wanting to go out again with Rose. None of the dates he’s offered involve football tickets, so she’s wondering how she can let him down easy.
October 1
We went out with some of the girls from our house to a Mexican restaurant a few nights ago. Jeff invited himself along and seemed to think he’d scored a date with Rose. He sat next to her and kept piling on the compliments. Then the food arrived, and he watched in horror as she put ketchup on her tacos. I’ve had years to get used to this, ever since that time the cafeteria ran out of salsa, but I guess it came as kind of a shock to him. He could barely say a word for the rest of the meal. Now he’s stopped calling.
October 9
Rose has had to give up joining casual sports leagues. She was playing basketball last night and didn’t check herself enough. She did this crazy maneuver, sprinting across the court and making an impossible shot. The coach of the university’s women’s team saw her and accosted us after the game. She thinks Rose is a student and was trying to get her name and set up a meeting. We managed to get out of there without answering any questions. Rose says it’s no big deal, but I can tell she’s sad to be cutting out the games. Sitting still is hard for a dhampir.
October 15
Ten months since the accident. I’ve been sad today—but not in the stay-in-bed-all-day way. Rose and I spent a lot of time sharing good memories about my family. It sounds like a cliché, but I really did laugh and cry. I still ache for them, but I feel like I can go on with my life now.
October 20
I have the flu. Moroi don’t catch human ailments very often, but I guess being around so many has taken its toll. I’ve needed extra blood, and of course, Rose has stepped up to give it. The result is that we’re both staying in and sleeping a lot more. Also, she’s gotten more vocal about offering, so I lied today and told her I’m feeling better, even though I’m not. She’s nowhere near the addiction a feeder experiences, but I recognize some of that eagerness in her eyes. I have to look after her, just like she looks after me.
October 31
Halloween. There are a ton of parties and events going on around campus, but Rose doesn’t like us to stay out too late at night. So we had our own party. We stayed home and dressed up like flappers. Rose loves feather boas. We also watched a bunch of “scary” vampire movies. They were hilarious.
November 12
Allison, one of our housemates, has this creepy ex-boyfriend who keeps bothering her. She actually changed her number because he wouldn’t stop calling. Last night, he showed up at our house and wouldn’t leave. When he tried to push past her and get through the front door, Rose came out and punched him so hard that he went flying off the porch and landed in the yard.
November 18
Allison’s boyfriend doesn’t bother her anymore, and she won’t stop talking about how Rose came to the rescue. Normally, Rose would eat up that kind of praise, but she hates it since we’re trying to keep a low profile. Blending in is a lot of work.
November 23
All our roommates went home for Thanksgiving, so we decided to celebrate on our own and cook a turkey. It didn’t end well.
November 30
One of our housemates was in a play yesterday. We went to see it, and afterward, a bunch of drunk frat guys hanging around outside started hitting on us. One of them grabbed me, and I freaked out. I can’t even explain what I felt. First panic, then that darkness, then that high. And I swear, he flew backward like I’d punched him, even though I hadn’t laid a hand on him. Then, Rose did actually punch one of the other guys. A whole bunch of people saw, but I don’t think anyone really grasped what happened with the guy who’d touched me. I don’t even grasp it, and I’m questioning my own sanity again. I’ve seen air users push people over without touching them, but this wasn’t air magic. Maybe he was drunker than he seemed and fell on his own. Rose didn’t really pay attention to that either. She’s more worried about us making a scene. I asked her if she really thought anyone who attended a college play would report us to the guardians. She said no, not directly, but that people mention things to other people, who then mention things to other people. Now she has that focused, hard expression again. She’s been online researching West Coast cities all day.
December 8
It’s exam week. Everyone is studying, so we’ve been staying in and pretending to as well. Mostly we sit in our room and play board games. Rose is obsessed with Clue. She also told me that for the first time ever, she wishes she could take an exam because she’s pretty sure she could ace the Chinese warfare one.
December 13
Exams are over, and most of our housemates are going home. Only Ellen is remaining on campus during break. Her boyfriend is over constantly, and they pretty much stay in her bedroom all day.
December 15
Another anniversary. But not just any anniversary. One year. One year since Mom, Dad, and Andre left me. Once year since my life stopped. Except it didn’t. I can’t believe how much things have changed. Rose reading my mind. The weird mood swings. Escaping St. Vladimir’s. Living with humans. It’s so strange—but still not as strange as not having my family around. I miss them so much. I miss Andre’s goofy jokes. I miss Mom braiding my hair. I miss Dad calling me “little queen” because he always said I ruled our family. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We’re taught since birth to fear Strigoi. That’s the death that looms over everyone. Not an icy road.
December 24
Nothing like last-minute shopping. I don’t know why we waited so long. Rose and I went downtown earlier today to get each other Christmas presents—which was kind of difficult since we never stray too far apart. So we’d go into stores, and then one of us would have to turn around and not look while the other shopped. What made it especially ridiculous was that sometimes, Rose could “see” what I was buying her anyway with her mind.
It was later than Rose wanted when we finally left. She was keyed up the whole time we waited for a train and was constantly watching our surroundings. It was hard to tell with all the people and city noise, but she swears she heard a psi-hound. I heard a howl in the distance too, but it seemed like an ordinary dog to me. I tried to calm her down, but now she’s in a panic. She says one of her novice classes visited a psi-hound trainer a couple of years ago and that she recognizes the call. I only know the basics about psi-hounds, like how they were bred in Siberia by Moroi centuries ago and will obey Moroi with strong compulsion abilities. Sometimes they’re used for tracking, but it’s pretty rare for guardians to use them since a Moroi has to do the controlling. Rose was probably on edge because of how late it was.
December 25
Christmas. After the Thanksgiving incident, we didn’t attempt any gourmet holiday meals. Instead, we had frozen pizza and cherry pie. Rose got me a fluffy pink scarf with a unicorn embroidered on it because she claims I’ve always wished I could’ve bought those unicorn sheets back in Madison. I got her a letter opener shaped like a Spartan spear. She doesn’t really have any letters to open, but she loved it. I can’t help but think she’s holding something back from me, though. I don’t know why. Just a vibe. I asked her about it this afternoon, and she just said, “It’s Christmas, Liss. It’s not the time for serious thoughts.”
December 26
Today apparently was the time for serious thoughts. While we were eating leftover cherry pie for breakfast, Rose told me we’re moving again. She still thinks we heard psi-hounds the other night. At the very least, she says, there are Moroi in the area. At the very worst, someone’s looking for us. And so we’re doing it again. Packing up, moving on.
December 27
We’re heading west. Rose doesn’t want to push any fart
her east because it’s too close to Court for her comfort. So we got on a train today going to Portland, Oregon. It’s a long trip, but at least it’s more comfortable than a bus. Rose is a little uneasy about being only a few states away from Montana, but if we went south, it might be too sunny for me. There are no Moroi schools or notable gatherings in Portland, so we’re optimistic. I know caution is best, but I’m going to miss Chicago.