We may not have been fighting but the wounds of the past weren’t getting healed today.
As I suspected, we walked out of the shop without anything, Amber as indecisive as ever. I felt a hollow spot in my stomach again as I eyed the lacy dress one more time before we left.
X
“So you made it through the day,” Alex whispered as we crawled into bed that night.
“Somehow,” I said as I nestled up against him. “I’m completely exhausted though.”
“How was the dress shopping?” he asked as he ran his fingers along my upper arm. My skin flashed with goosebumps.
I sighed, feeling my stomach clench up again. “I didn’t even try anything on. Nothing would have covered the scars.”
He was quiet for a moment, considering what I had said. “Maybe you shouldn’t cover them up. They’re a part of you and everyone that is coming should be able to accept that.”
I shook my head. “No way. That would be a disaster.”
He didn’t reply, just dipped his head, pressing his lips to my bare shoulder. He worked his way down my arm, his hands coming to the hem of my tank top and lifting it, exposing my stomach. His lips trailed to my bellybutton, his hands slipping down my thigh.
“So I have an idea,” he breathed against my skin.
“I have a few ideas right now myself,” I sighed as I ran a hand through his short sandy hair.
He chuckled. “When we get back home,” he said as he spread his kisses to my sides, lingering for a moment, then returning to center. “We should stay in separate bedrooms until the wedding.”
“Why?” I asked, my nose scrunching up.
“One,” he said as he worked his way higher. “Because if we have many more nights like this we aren’t going to make it to the wedding.”
He was right there.
“And two, it will make it all the better come the wedding night.”
I considered it, while hormones rushed through my body. “This is a really bad, good idea.”
He laughed again, sliding up my body until his lips met mine. “Agreed.”
A knock at the door sent my heart into my throat and Alex to the other side of the bed in a fraction of a second. A moment later my dad poked his head inside. “Just wanted to say good-night.”
“Night, Dad,” I said as I pressed my lips in a tight line, trying to hold a half-scream, half-laugh back.
“Good-night, Dennis,” Alex said, his voice perfectly calm.
My dad looked at us a second longer, and then a sly smile crossed his lips before he closed the door. Two seconds later we heard another knock and the sound of springs squeaking as Amber and Rod jumped apart.
I couldn’t hold my laugh back as I heard my dad awkwardly tell Amber and Rod good-night.
“Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I almost got walked in on by my dad,” I laughed quietly. “I never thought that would happen.”
“I kinda’ like getting you into trouble,” Alex said as he stared up at the ceiling, reaching over and pulling at the waistband of my shorts with one finger, snapping it against my skin.
“Yeah, I don’t think sleeping in the same bed is going to be an option much longer,” I breathed as I rested my arms above my head. “You don’t even sleep anymore. What are you going to do all night?”
“Good question,” he said, his voice filled with wondering.
Even as he spoke, I felt edges of my consciousness starting to blur, sleep already pulling me under.
I had dreams that night of chasing Cole through the forest surrounding Lake Samish, begging him to stop, begging him to tell me how to save Alex. But as soon as I thought I was gaining ground on him, he would slip out of sight.
I woke with a hollow feeling in my stomach.
The day was a whirlwind of activity. Amber spent the majority of it on the phone, calling half of the population of Idaho Falls, Ucon, and the surrounding area that was between the ages of seventeen and twenty-one. Alex and I were sent out to get food for the party that night.
“I think we’ve got to try and talk to him,” Alex said as we walked through the aisles of the grocery store. We’d been discussing what we had seen yesterday, both agreeing it must have been the mystery angel.
“I don’t want you going anywhere near him,” I said as I placed three bags of chips in the cart. “If I get the chance, I’ll try and talk to him.”
“That really doesn’t seem like a good idea either. Angels have been trying to take you your whole life, what makes you think this one isn’t trying to do the same thing?”
I had to pause and think about it for a bit. Angels had been trying to take me for a long time. This one kept showing up, just as Cole had reminded me of how they should have received me by now but hadn’t.
“They won’t take me,” I said as I shook my head. “You made a trade.”
“I still don’t think it’s a good idea,” Alex said, his shoulders tight, his hands gripping the cart a little too tightly.
“Who knows, maybe we won’t see him again.”
“Somehow I doubt that,” Alex sighed. “We’ve see how persistent residents of the afterlife can be.”
I tried to place the man’s face, to match it to a council member but the only one I could recall was Cole.
Why couldn’t the afterlife just leave me alone?
X
The party was worse than I had expected. There had to be nearly one hundred people there, considering the population of Ucon was only eleven-hundred, it was a lot. The backyard was packed, people gathering around the food table, stuffing their faces full. I hung back against the wall of the house, Alex by my side, chatting with some guy. I was pretty sure I had gone to high school with his older brother.
I saw all the looks that kept coming in my direction, and in Alex’s. I saw the way the male eyes lingered on my skin, on the shape of my legs. I saw the way they licked their lips, heard the way their heartbeats quickened. Amber’s friends were practically drooling over Alex.
“Is that really Amber’s sister?”
“I thought she was in an institution or something.”
“Isn’t she that girl who ran away in high school?”
“Dude, she has a ring on her finger, this is a freaking engagement party. You can’t just go ask her out.”
The talk was flying.
My palms were sweating as I tried not to meet anyone’s eyes. I didn’t want to keep being reminded of how everyone from this town thought I was an insane insomniac. It had been bad enough facing my mother, it was so much worse to have to be facing the entire town.
“I’m going to go get some more ice,” I said to Alex. He met my eyes for a minute, his own sad and apologetic looking. He knew how hard this was for me.
I stepped in the quiet house, walking into the front living room where no one could see me through the back glass doors. I leaned against the wall, tipping my head back, and letting out a slow breath.
You can do this, I told myself. You just have to make it until tomorrow night and it will be all over.
Feeling my insides start to calm, I opened my eyes.
He was there again. Standing in the middle of the road, just watching me through the window.
I reacted without thinking. I crossed to the front door in one too-fast movement and yanked the door open.
“Hey,” I called as I jumped down the front step. The man started walking down the street, right on the yellow line. “Hey,” I said again as I crossed the lawn, quickening my pace to catch up with him.
He didn’t look back at me, just continued to head west down the road.
“What do you want from me?” I demanded as I followed him. “Why are you following me?” He still remained silent. “I know what you are and I know where you’ve come from. You’re not supposed to be here. So why are you here?”
The sun sank in the horizon, washing the earth in brilliant golden tones. Just before it sank below the top of the buildings, I was blinded for a short moment. I hel
d my hand up to block the light, squinting to make out the man’s form.
But he was already gone.
My breathing was coming in gasping breaths, my hands shaking. Not from fear, but from anger.
Why couldn’t the afterlife just leave me alone already?
Shouts rose from the direction of my parents backyard and before I could even think, I was jogging back. As I rounded the corner, I saw Rod’s fist connect with another boy’s jaw. Rod’s nose was already bleeding, covering his lips and teeth with red. The other guy just growled as he was knocked to the ground, swinging back at Rod as they hit the ground.
Alex shoved his way through the crowd, grabbing Rod by the back of his shirt and pulling him off of the other guy. Holding the two apart as they continued to try and swing at each other, Alex turned hard eyes on the other guy. “You seriously need to leave now.” Even though he didn’t raise his voice, it was filled with enough power to make anyone shake.
Giving Rod and Alex looks that would kill if they could, he spit red liquid on the ground. Wiping at his mouth with his bare arm, he shoved Alex’s hand away and walked around the other corner of the house without looking back once.
Everyone stood in a circle for a silent moment, shock at seeing an actual fight break out in the middle of a party.
“Let’s move on people,” Dad said, waving everyone away from Rod and Alex. Erupting into conversations, they disbursed.
“What was that all about?” I asked, turning my focus to Amber who was fussing over Rod as he cradled his hand.
“That,” she said as she grabbed a napkin and some ice cubes from the table. “Was Todd.”
“Your ex who beat the crap out of you?” I asked, my insides flaring instantly.
Amber nodded. “He showed up a few minutes ago, calling me a deserting whore. He tried grabbing me.”
“He seriously shouldn’t have done that,” Rod said through clenched teeth. “You should have just let me at him, Alex. Guys like that need to learn a lesson or two from someone who can stand up to them.”
“And if I hadn’t stepped in you’d be spending the night in a jail cell,” Alex piped up, his voice sounding on edge. I saw the way his entire frame was shaking.
The afterlife was calling.
“Cool it!” Alex barked, his tone just a little too harsh.
Amber and Rod ducked inside to take care of his hand and bleeding nose, their expressions slightly startled at Alex’s outburst.
“His temper is really going to get him in trouble someday,” Alex said. He squeezed his eyes closed, taking a deep breath.
“I saw him again,” I said quietly, changing the subject. I softly put my hand on his quaking arm. “I followed him.
“You did?” Alex’s eyes flashed open. “And?”
“And nothing,” I said, watching as Alex’s frame stopped quivering. “I asked him what he wanted but he didn’t say anything. And then he literally disappeared into the sunset.”
“Creeper,” Alex said under his breath. I couldn’t help but chuckle. Alex cracked a smile too.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Alex paced in the living room, talking out his cell phone to the police about Caroline. Things didn’t sound good.
I forced the orange juice down as I half listened to him, setting my glass in the sink. I stared out the window over the kitchen sink, not really seeing anything. I hadn’t slept at all the night before, just stared up at the ceiling, lying next to a silent Alex.
I was feeling desperate. Why couldn’t I think of a way to save him? Alex had saved me, now why couldn’t I do the same thing?
“Jessica?” I heard my mom’s hesitant voice from behind me. “Could we talk for a while?”
I felt my stomach drop out and I suddenly wished I hadn’t drunk the juice. “Sure,” I managed to squeak out.
I’d known this conversation was going to come sometime during this trip but I’d started hoping that maybe we were both going to chicken out of it. Apparently my mom was braver than I was.
I followed her into the office, settling into one of the swivel chairs. She closed the door behind us and sat as well.
We just stared at each other for a while, both unsure of what to say after all this time.
“You’re so grown up now,” she said with a small smile on her lips. It didn’t quite look real. “You’re not a girl anymore. You’ve become a woman.”
I just nodded, my lips tight.
“Tell me about your life now,” she attempted to keep her voice up, trying to sound engaged and excited. “What have you been up to?”
“Um,” I struggled to talk around the lump in my throat. “Well, I’ve been in Washington for a few years now, as I’m sure dad’s told you. I’ve made a few friends. I go to a yoga class a few days a week. The instructor is my best friend. I work in a book store. I really like my boss.”
“A book store?” she said with a smile. “You did always love to read at nights.”
I swallowed hard as the subject we were both dancing around was hinted upon. “Yeah, I really like the job. I’ve been there a few months now.”
“Tell me about how you met Alex,” she said as she tucked a leg up under her.
I felt a smile crack on my lips. “Well, I was care taking what was then his grandparent’s house. It was the middle of the night and I heard the door upstairs open. I thought someone was breaking in,” I chuckled, recalling the fear that leapt through me. “I grabbed a baseball bat and nearly clobbered him in the stairway.” Mom started laughing. “I thought he was a burglar.”
“That must have scared the tar out of you,” she chuckled, covering her mouth.
“Yeah,” I said, my eyes falling to the floor between us. “And then he told me the house was his, that his grandparents had died and left everything to him. Things were a little awkward for a bit.”
“Isn’t life crazy sometimes?” Mom sighed, shaking her head slowly.
“It sure is,” I said quietly, twisting my fingers around each other.
There was a moment of quiet before she spoke again. “I’m glad to see you so happy, Jessica. At least you seem to be.”
“I am,” I said as I met her eyes.
“I just wish we could have gotten you the help you needed sooner.”
My insides hollowed out as she finally said it.
“Did you start seeing a psychologist after you left?” she asked, her voice sounding so innocent and caring.
And every fight we had had, every plead, every scream slammed into me again. It took everything I had in me to not bolt for the door.
“I didn’t need a psychologist, Mom,” I said, my voice quivering. I closed my eyes, fighting back the sting behind my eyes. I wouldn’t cry, I would not let her see me cry. Again. “I needed you to believe me.”
“Oh sweetie,” she said in a sweet tone. My eyes opened to see her concerned expression. It turned my insides hot. “I believed you believed it all. But you seem to have moved on.”
“I didn’t just move on,” I said, my voice escalating. “Things changed, but I never moved on! I couldn’t move on.”
“Calm down sweetie,” Mom said, her eyes growing wide and hard.
“No, Mom,” I practically yelled. “I will not calm down! I was stuck in hell and you wanted to pretend none of it existed!”
“That’s because it didn’t, Jessica,” she said, her tone rising too. The frustration I knew too well flooded back into her eyes.
“It was real, Mom!” I practically yelled. As I said the words, I grabbed the hem of my shirt and lifted it over my head as I stood. Wearing only my bra, I turned my back to her, the morning light coming from the window reflecting a metallic glint. “Do these look made up to you?”
I heard her gasp as she took the wings in. With one hand, I gathered my hair in one hand and pulled it away from my neck, exposing my brand. “It was real,” I half whispered.
Something that sounded like a sob escaped my mother’s chest and as I looked back at her, I saw tea
rs glistening in her eyes.
“Why would you do that to yourself sweetie?” she asked quietly. “You’re such a beautiful young woman.”
“You think…” I stuttered. “You think I would do something like this to myself?!”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I crossed to the door, walked out, and slammed the door behind me. Amber and Rod had poked their heads out of their door, their eyes widening as they took in my nearly topless form. Rod got his first glance at my scars.
“You okay?” Amber asked quietly.
“Do I look like I’m okay?” I said sharply as I yanked my shirt back down over my head. Without waiting for her to reply, I stalked down the hall toward the back door. Yanking it open, I stepped outside, leaving the door knob bent into the shape of my hand. I was too furious to care.
I found Dad and Alex sitting on the back deck, both their eyes widening as they saw me.
“Jessica, I…” my dad started.
“She’s just so…” I started raging as I paced back and forth. “I even showed them to her and she still didn’t believe me!”
“Jessica, your mother…”
“Don’t defend her, Dad,” I said coldly as I turned my eyes on him. “Just don’t.”
I didn’t wait for either of them to say anymore as I started across the back lawn. There was an opening in the fence that let out into the back alleyway that led to a park that hadn’t gotten much use in the last decade. Walking over to the swing set, I flopped down and slowly pushed myself back and forth, the rusty chains creaking above me.
I was glad when Alex didn’t follow after me. I just wanted to be alone for a while.
I knew people judged me for leaving my family behind. They thought I had abandoned them, that I was a reckless runaway. But how was I supposed to live with a person who thought I was insane? Who wouldn’t show the slightest bit of support in the terror that filled my life?
I needed a mother to hold me while I cried, someone I could just be afraid with.
But she wasn’t that kind of mother to me.