Four Special Agents sat on one side of the room. All the furniture that had been expertly placed earlier in the day, was now pushed together behind them, leaving the other half of the room completely open. Rick stood farthest away from where I stood, and Summer stood next to him. We were all about five feet from each other in an almost straight line. The tension in the room was palpable. I took a deep breath, trying to be brave. I tried to catch Rick’s eye, but he only looked straight forward at the agents who looked at all of us.
I took another deep breath telling myself to calm down, and looked at Jeremy, who smiled and nodded. I can do this. I told myself—even alone, I can do this.
“Alright kids,” Sam said. “Let’s get stretched and chat a bit.” Sam’s solid body stood in front of us, leading us in stretches and talking about confidence and places of safety as well as how not to look vulnerable. We practiced walking, our heads up, aware of our surroundings. The agents took turns approaching us from all directions, encouraging us to speak with power. Sam even taught us how to identify places of safety if we were on the run.
Jeremy had us stand up and taught us defensive moves. “Forget a man’s privates,” he said. “He’s expecting it. Go for the nose. Hit up and with the ball of your hand.” He demonstrated in slow motion with Sam a few times and then showed us full force on a dummy. Funny. I was so stressed when I walked into the room, I hadn’t even noticed the four dummies lined up behind us. We practiced on the dummies and the agents tried to take us by surprise and had us practice what we had learned. My favorite move was twisting out of the grip of someone who grabbed me from behind. Every time I faked breaking the arch of someone else’s foot, I grimaced. I also wondered how fierce the pain would be if I were to hit someone in the Adam’s apple. Would it really be debilitating?
Mike’s lesson proved the hardest. We learned how to harness all our strength to hit and kick with power. I realized that without desperate or hateful thoughts, it was hard to be powerful.
I didn’t like bringing those emotions to the surface. By the time we could smell the pizza in the kitchen, I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I had no idea how hard it was to defend myself. I gobbled down four slices of pizza before I realized I just might burst.
“We’ve got some things to do,” Mike said. “So, why don’t you guys go relax and watch a few movies before bed. We’ll come get ya when we’re done.” We found we really didn’t have a choice in the matter. They all stood, ushering us back into the game room. Someone or several someones had put the room back in order. I wondered how many agents were running around this place. The curtains were drawn and the room took on the feel of a prison.
“Well, let’s see,” Summer said, as she walked toward the large TV. She fingered through a bunch of DVDs that sat on a shelf next to it. “We’ll watch this,” she said, taking control and sliding the DVD she had chosen into the DVD player. She grabbed the remote, turned on the TV and backed up into an overstuffed loveseat. Rick sat in an arm chair. The couch was the only place left to sit, so I sat there. Neither of them looked my way.
I spent the first movie staring at Rick. How could I get him to talk to me? Would he listen to me or reject me? Maybe he would simply laugh at me. I imagined him saying, “Oh, you thought I really liked you? I just wanted someone to make-out with while I was here in D.C. and you were an easy mark.” But, I knew that would never happen. It wasn’t in Rick’s nature. Was it in Alex’s nature?
When Rick stood up to stretch, I forgot all about Alex, and grabbed the opportunity to talk to him. I took a quick breath, stood up and walked right over to him. Our eyes locked for a mere second, and then he looked away. I almost lost all the courage I’d mustered, but before he could move away from me, I squeaked, “Could we talk, please?”
It felt strange to be the pursuer, but when he didn’t acknowledge me, I grabbed his arm with gentle hands and asked again.
He looked at me and said, “I can’t think of anything we have to talk about.”
Stab, stab, stab. My heart raced so fast I thought I might faint as he moved his arm away from my touch and sat back down. I looked at Summer, for no particular reason, and she was busy picking the next movie, paying us no attention. Looking back at Rick, I noticed he was looking straight ahead at nothing, like he wasn’t using his eyes at all.
My heart pounded, bruising my ribs as I pleaded with him. “Please, Rick. I need you to know the truth. Just give me a few minutes—it’s all I ask. Please.”
He shifted and then stood, without saying a word, he motioned with his arm for me to lead the way. I took him to the opposite side of the room to sit in the window seat. We stared at each other for what seemed forever. How should I start? I didn’t know what to say. I had to say the right thing, or I’d lose him forever. I just knew it. I wanted him to accept me again, but how?
I cleared my throat and then forged forward, not exactly sure what was going to come out of my mouth. “Some of what Summer said was true—but most was not. I did go with Alex to a club, and he did kiss me—”
Rick shifted, ever so slightly in his seat, but kept looking down, so all I could see was the top of his head.
“But, I never made out with him at the club, and the kiss was anything but beautiful. When I got back to the hotel, I was up almost all night thinking about what I should do about you and Alex. I’ve heard people say they liked two people at one time, and I always dismissed it thinking they were lying to themselves. But, the truth is, I do like both of you. I hated to see that I had become one of those people. I made some decisions that night that I only partially followed through on. I knew Alex wasn’t any good for me, but I was so drawn to him. Every time I was with him, though, it seemed he made me lower my standards or at least asked me too. I decided I would tell him I couldn’t be with him.
“That’s when I also decided I would have to tell you that we would have to wait to date until I was sixteen like I told you that night you woke me up. I did get a chance to tell you that. I’m no fool anymore in thinking that something magical happens at sixteen to make dating easier—especially when for me it’s only a month away, but the fact is, a month can make a world of difference.
“If you knew how much I’d changed in the last two weeks here in D.C., you’d flip out. Maybe I’m more mature, maybe I’m just more reckless, but at least I know that I’m trying to do as my parents asked me to do. I know they are more wise than I am and following their advice on this one thing won’t kill me. Look at what a mess I’ve made of my friendships with both you and Alex… on second thought, maybe it does have something to do with not being sixteen, I just don’t know.
“Then, things got crazy with me fainting and Alex buying me that dress for the gala and all, and I guess I figured I would only be with the two of you for two more days and you’d forget I existed after that, so I might as well enjoy the time I had with you. I asked myself what could possibly happen. I got side-tracked and let my racing heart lead me.
“When Alex showed his real colors and kissed me at the gala, I was so mad. I hope you saw me punch him. He was being a jerk, trying to rile you up because he was jealous we had danced. Then our agents came and it was all over.
“You’re the one that makes me a better person—not him. I love being with you, Rick and want to have that chance again, when the time is right. I’m so sorry for not being totally open with you. It’s not like me. Please forgive me. I know it may take time for you to decide what to do, but I’m willing to wait. I guess I have to wait. Maybe, by some miracle, I will be better equipped to deal with the emotional and physical responses that come with dating. When it’s time, maybe I’ll be smarter.”
He didn’t move the entire time I spoke. My heart dropped waiting for a response, any response. None came. He simply stood up, after about one minute of silence, walked back over to his seat and sat back down to watch the movie.
Devastated, it took everything I had not to bust out bawling. I curled up on the window seat and closed my eyes. H
e was right not to forgive me right away. I told myself. He had to digest what I had said—decide if I could be trusted. Maybe I couldn’t. Could I really say that I would choose Rick over Alex if I had them both extending a hand out toward me at this moment? I’d already chosen Alex many times over. What made this moment any different?
It was all my fault I had lost him. I had been stupid, straying from what I knew I should have done. After half an hour, the thousand tears I’d shed, stopped. It was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and own up to the natural consequences of my actions. Next time, I would be smarter. Chalk one up for experience. Painful, excruciating experience.
I sat up, looked at my reflection in the window and headed back to the couch. It felt good to curl up into a ball and stare mindlessly at the TV screen. My eyes closed several times, only to pop open when a loud noise from the movie startled me. Then, Jeremy came and told us to head for bed. I was glad and ready, wishing Marybeth was here to talk to.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE