The substitute stood up and walked to the center of the room. “Good morning,” she said. “My name is Mrs. Franklin.”
Nobody said “Good morning” back to her.
Calvin handed Benjamin a note: At ten o’clock drop your book on the floor. Pass it on.
Benjamin read it, then passed it on to Todd.
“Okay, who can tell me what page we’re on?” asked Mrs. Franklin.
“Page seventeen.” called Myron.
“A hundred and twelve,” said Maurecia.
“Ninety-eight,” said Eric Ovens.
“Three thousand,” said Joe.
Mrs. Franklin smiled. “I guess we’ll have to study all those pages,” she said.
Benjamin raised his hand.
“Yes, the handsome young man in the red shirt,” said the substitute.
He told her the correct page. “We’re on page one hundred and two,” he said.
“Thank you,” said the substitute. “And what is your name, please?”
Benjamin thought a moment. He looked around the room, then boldly told the truth. “My name is Benjamin!” he stated proudly.
Several kids snickered.
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“Thank you, Benjamin,” said the substitute.
There were more snickers.
“You’re welcome,” said Benjamin. He felt good, even if the other kids were laughing at him.
Mrs. Franklin asked a question from page 102.
Jason answered it correctly.
“Very good,” said the substitute. “And what is your name, please?”
Jason looked around. “Benjamin!” he asserted.
Half the class giggled.
“Thank you, Benjamin,” said Mrs. Franklin.
The other half giggled.
Dana answered the next question.
“And what’s your name?” Mrs. Franklin asked Dana.
“Benjamin!” Dana blurted, then fell giggling onto the floor.
“Thank you, Benjamin,” said the substitute.
Everyone was hysterical.
“My, it is certainly a pleasure to teach such happy students,” said the substitute. “Who knows the answer to question four?”
They all raised their hands. They all wanted to tell the substitute their names were Benjamin.
They were having so much fun, they forgot to drop their books at ten o’clock.
At recess everyone congratulated Benjamin on his great trick.
“You’re a genius, Mark,” said Todd.
“Benjamin is such a funny name,” said Jason. “How’d you ever think of it?”
“But my name really is Benjamin,” said Benjamin.
“So is mine,” said Stephen.
“Mine too,” said Leslie.
They all laughed.
“Do you think she really believes we’re all named Benjamin?” asked Eric Ovens.
“Probably,” said Joy. “She’s so stupid!”
“If she thought we were lying, she would have gotten mad,” said Eric Bacon.
The bell rang, and they all hurried back to class.
After recess was social studies.
“Who would like to read?” asked Mrs. Franklin.
Every hand went up.
“Okay, Benjamin,” said Mrs. Franklin as she pointed at Dana.
Everyone laughed.
Dana giggled a few seconds, then got control of herself and read from the book.
“Thank you, Benjamin,” said the substitute when Dana finished reading. “Okay, Benjamin, you may read next,” she said, pointing at Terrence.
Everyone laughed.
It was the first time all year Terrence had volunteered to read.
All day, everyone paid very close attention. They all wanted the teacher to call on them. Because as funny as it was when Mrs. Franklin called somebody else Benjamin, it was even funnier when she called you Benjamin.
So everyone worked hard and listened closely. As a result, they learned more from the substitute in a day than they usually learned from Mrs. Jewls in a month.
When the final bell rang, everyone crowded around her desk.
“Are you coming back tomorrow, Mrs. Franklin?” asked Eric Bacon.
“Please, Mrs. Franklin, say you will,” pleaded Kathy.
“You’re the best substitute teacher we’ve ever had!” said Jason.
The substitute smiled. “School is over,” she said. “You don’t have to call me Mrs. Franklin anymore. That sounds so formal. Since we’re friends now, you may call me by my first name.”
“What is your first name?” asked Maurecia.
The substitute gathered up her things and put them in a straw bag. “Benjamin,” she said, then walked out of the room.
Everyone stared silently after her.
“Do you think that’s really her name?” asked Joy.
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Chapter 19 (first)
A Bad Case of the Sillies
Allison started up the stairs five minutes before the bell rang for school to start. The stairs were completely empty. Allison liked it that way. When the bell rang, the stairs would be crammed with a thousand screaming kids scurrying to their rooms, but now it was nice and peaceful.
She walked up past the eighteenth story and toward the twentieth. There was no nineteenth story in Wayside School. Miss Zarves taught the class on the nineteenth story. There was no Miss Zarves.
Allison didn’t understand it. If there was no nineteenth story, then wasn’t her class really on the twenty-ninth?
Suddenly she heard footsteps charging up behind her. She turned around to see Ron and Deedee racing.
She leaned against the wall to get out of their way, but Deedee stamped on her foot; then Ron’s elbow jammed her in the stomach.
“Umph!” she grunted, as she fell and rolled down three steps.
Deedee and Ron didn’t even stop to say they were sorry.
Allison slowly stood up. Fortunately she wasn’t hurt, but her windbreaker was torn.
She thought Ron and Deedee were silly. They race up the stairs, and then when they get to Mrs. Jewls’s room they’re too pooped to learn anything.
Allison thought all the kids in Mrs. Jewls’s class were silly, even Rondi, and Rondi was her best friend. Then there was Jason, who was always pestering her. That was because Jason hated her. Or else he loved her. Allison wasn’t sure which.
When she got to class, Deedee and Ron were sitting with their heads flat on their desks and their tongues hanging out.
“You could have said you were sorry,” Allison said as she walked past them. She sat up straight in her chair, folded her hands on her desk, and waited as everyone else wandered in.
Jason entered the room carrying a glass bowl with a goldfish swimming inside it. “Look what I brought!” he said.
“What’s the name of your goldfish?” asked Mrs. Jewls.
“Shark!” said Jason.
Everyone laughed. Allison rolled her eyes.
“It makes him feel important,” Jason explained. “Where should I put him?”
“How about on top of the coat closet?” suggested Mrs. Jewls.
Jason had to stand on a chair on his tiptoes. He held the bowl at the very bottom as he tried to nudge it over the edge of the closet.
Suddenly the chair toppled over. “Aaaaaahh-gulp!” yelled Jason as he fell on the floor. He was holding the bowl upside down above his wet face.
Mrs. Jewls hurried to the back of the room. “Quick, somebody fill the bowl with water,” she said. “Where’s Shark?”
Jason made a face. “I swallowed him.”
The class went crazy.
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What a show-off, thought Allison.
Mrs. Jewls rang her cowbell and told everyone to settle down. “You have a bad case of the sillies this morning,” she said.
She took roll. “Who’s absent?” she asked.
“Allison,” said Rondi.
“Very funny, Rondi,” said Allison.
“Anybody besides Allison?” asked Mrs. Jewls.
“I’m here, Mrs. Jewls,” said Allison. She sat behind Eric Fry, so she thought Mrs. Jewls couldn’t see her. Eric Fry was the biggest kid in the class.
“Just Allison,” said Mrs. Jewls. She marked it on her green roll card. “Dameon, will you please take the roll card to the office.”
Allison stood up. “I’m not absent,” she said.
Dameon took the roll card and walked out the door.
“Mrs. Jewls, did you just mark me absent?” asked Allison.
Mrs. Jewls didn’t answer her.
Allison marched to her desk. “Mrs. Jewls, did you mark me absent?” she asked again.
Mrs. Jewls looked up. “Terrence, what are you whispering about?”
“Nothing,” mumbled Terrence.
“If you can say it to Jenny, you can say it to me,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“Get off my case, Buzzard Face!” said Terrence.
“Terrence!” exclaimed Mrs. Jewls. “Go write your name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.”
“But that’s what I said to Jenny,” Terrence protested.
“Mrs. Jewls, what about me?” Allison demanded.
Mrs. Jewls ignored her.
Allison screamed as loud as she could.
Mrs. Jewls didn’t hear her.
Allison faced the class. “Can’t anybody see me?” she asked.
Nobody answered her.
“Rondi?” shouted Allison. “Dana? Jason?
“This isn’t funny,” said Allison. “I know you’re all just pretending.” She stood right in front of Jason, leaned over his desk, and stared him straight in the eye. “I know you can see me,” she said. “You’re trying not to laugh.”
He stared right through her.
She stuck out her tongue at him.
He leaned forward, causing Allison’s tongue to lick his nose.
“Yuck!” she exclaimed, then wiped her tongue on her sleeve.
Mrs. Jewls began the morning lesson.
“Have you gone crazy?” shouted Allison. She ran out of the room and down to the class on the twenty-ninth story. “Come quick,” she said. “There’s something wrong with Mrs. Jewls’s class.”
No one heard her.
She slammed the door, then continued down the stairs to the class on the twenty-eighth floor. No one saw her there, either.
Tears streamed down her cheeks. Is the whole school playing a joke on me? she wondered. “It’s not funny!” she shouted as loud as she could.
She continued down the stairs, screaming anything that came to her head, hoping that someone, somewhere, would notice her.
“Fish for sale! Fresh fish! Fat fish! Get your fresh, fat fish!”
A tall, skinny lady with very short hair stepped out of one of the classrooms. “Sh!” she whispered. “This is a school, not a fish market!”
“You can hear me?” asked Allison. She was so happy, she wanted to hug her.
“Yes, I can hear you,” the woman said sternly. “My whole class can hear you. You’re making it impossible for us to get any work done.”
“I’m sorry,” said Allison. “But something’s wrong in Mrs. Jewls’s class.”
“You’d better come in here,” said the teacher.
Allison followed the teacher into her classroom.
“What’s your name?” the teacher asked her.
“Allison.”
“Boys and girls, this is Allison,” the teacher announced to her students. “She’ll be joining our class.”
“What?” said Allison. “But—”
“My name is Miss Zarves,” said the teacher. “Welcome to the nineteenth story.”
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Chapter 19 (second)
A Wonderful Teacher
Allison was still on the nineteenth story.
The desks were arranged in clusters of four. Allison sat at a cluster with a girl named Virginia, a boy named Nick, and a boy named Ray.
But Virginia looked old enough to be her mother. And Nick looked like he should be in high school. Ray was a couple of years younger than Allison.
“Miss Zarves is a wonderful teacher,” said Virginia in a singsong voice. “She’s the nicest teacher I ever had.”
“She’s the only teacher you ever had,” said Nick.
“So? She’s still nice,” said Virginia. “I’ve always gotten all A’s.”
“Aren’t you a little old to be going to school?” Allison asked her.
“You’re never too old to learn,” said Virginia.
“No one ever leaves Miss Zarves’s class,” said Nick. “How long have you been here, Virginia?”
Virginia thought a moment. “Thirty-two wonderful years.”
“I’ve been here nine years,” said Nick.
“But she always gives us good grades,” said Virginia.
“That’s true,” Nick agreed. “I’ve gotten all A’s since I’ve been here too.”
“Me too,” said Ray. “And sometimes I answer all the problems wrong on purpose!”
“Where were you before you came here?” Allison asked him.
“I went to, um, I was …” Ray shook his head. “That’s funny—I don’t remember.”
“I don’t remember where I came from either,” said Virginia.
“Well, I do!” said Allison. “I was in …” But suddenly she couldn’t remember either. Then it came to her. “Mrs. Jewls’s class! And Rondi was in the class, and Jason, and Dana, and Todd …”
She named every member of the class, including all three Erics. She didn’t want to forget where she came from. If I forget where I came from, I might never get back, she thought.
“Did you say there was a girl named Bebe Gunn?” asked Ray.
“Yes,” said Allison. “Bebe’s a very good artist.”
“My last name is Gunn, too,” said Ray. “I wonder if we’re related.”
“Ray, no talking please,” said Miss Zarves. “Now, everyone please take out a pencil and some paper. I want you to write all the numbers from zero to a million in alphabetical order.”
“From zero to a million?” asked Allison. She couldn’t believe it.
“Don’t worry,” said Virginia. “If you run out of paper, Miss Zarves has more in the closet.”
Allison stared at her in horror. “But it will take over a hundred years,” she said.
“So?” asked Virginia. “What’s your hurry?”
Allison started to work. It was bad enough having to write down all the numbers from zero to a million, but she couldn’t imagine how she’d ever put them in alphabetical order.
One came before two.
Three came after one, but before two.
Four came before one.
Five came before four.
Six came after one, but before three.
“Don’t worry,” said Virginia. “Even if you miss a few, Miss Zarves will give you an A when you finish.”
Seven came after one and before six.
Eight came first. Allison couldn’t think of any number that would come before eight, so she wrote it down. She also knew zero would come last, if she ever got that far. By then she’d be older than Virginia.
I’ll talk to Louis at recess, she thought. He’ll save me.
“When’s recess?” she asked.
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bsp; “There is no recess,” said Ray. “We’re not allowed out of the classroom.”
“What about if you have to go to the bathroom?”
“What’s a bathroom?” asked Virginia.
“We don’t eat, either,” said Nick. “We just work all the time.”
“But we never have homework,” Virginia said cheerfully.
“That’s because we never go home,” said Nick. “We get a two-minute break every eleven hours.”
“But don’t worry,” said Virginia. “Miss Zarves always gives us good grades.”
Miss Zarves walked around the room checking everybody’s work. “Excellent, Ray!” she said. “Very good, Virginia. You’re doing wonderfully, Allison. You get an A for the day.”
Big deal! thought Allison. She had to figure out some way out of there. It was clear that Virginia, Nick, and Ray were all too far gone to help her.
“Are there any other new kids in the class?” she asked.
“Ben’s new,” said Nick. He pointed Ben out to her.
Ben appeared to be about Allison’s age. She was glad about that. When the two-minute break came, she went over and talked to him.
“Are you Ben?” she asked.
“No,” he said.
“Oh,” said Allison. “I was looking for Ben.”
“That’s me,” said the boy.
“But you just said—”
“My name’s Mark Miller,” said the boy. “But for some reason everybody calls me Benjamin Nushmutt.”
“There’s a Mark Miller in my class!” exclaimed Allison.
“I know, that’s me,” said Mark. “I’m Mark Miller.”
“No, I mean my other class,” said Allison.
“What other class?”
Allison thought a moment. “I don’t remember …” she said.
After putting numbers in alphabetical order for eleven hours, her brain had turned into spaghetti.
“Time’s up,” said Miss Zarves. “Everyone back to work.”
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Chapter 19 (third)
Forever is Never
Allison was still stuck on the nineteenth story.
Fourteen two-minute breaks had passed.
“It’s dictionary time,” said Miss Zarves.