Working against Z's thrust I counter thrust until I'm shaking and my body feels too heavy to continue, but still he moves.
I'm almost out of energy when I feel his hand slide from my hip to my body again. Oh! I know what this means and I know what he's going to do, and my exhaustion just disappeared with the appearance of his hand.
Smiling at my sudden harder movements on him again, Z touches me just enough to start the gasping. Moving between my legs, he rubs me just enough to work me back up. He moves his fingers around me until his other hand moves to pinch my nipple hard and the feeling is immediate. My pinched nipple just sent a spark straight to my clit and Z knows it even without the gasping sounds I make. With his sly smile, and his eyes watching me always, he knows I'm almost there.
Using his chest to keep me upright, I move and moan and writhe all over him. My rhythm is gone, and I know I'm moving like I'm desperate.
Grinding against his hand and fingers, my eyes close until I hear his little tongue click telling me to open them again as he pinches my body and stops my legs from working all together.
I'm gasping, and keening, and just so ready to-
"Ah! Ohhhh... Um?" I cry out as I fall on his chest with my hard release to feel the low rumble of his laughter under my cheek.
"’Ah. Oh. Um?’ You sound adorable when you're coming, Suzanne," he laughs again as I giggle against his chest.
"I sound like an idiot," I laugh until turning us again Z settles between my legs without breaking our connection once more.
"You don't sound like an idiot, love. You sound confused by your pleasure, which makes me feel like the best lover ever," he grins moving slowly inside me.
"You are the best lover. The only lover I've ever had," I whisper against his lips.
"The only lover you'll ever have," he says darkly as I nod yes.
Kissing me again, Z changes everything with his kiss. No longer are his kisses hard and sexy, and no longer are they desperate. Z suddenly kisses me like he loves me, and he kisses me likes he's loving me, which I realize he is.
"Making love," I whisper as he smiles before kissing me again moving slowly within me.
Forever it seems we move until I actually feel myself almost asleep. Strangely, I can actually feel myself falling asleep to his gentle movement, and though it’s wrong, somehow I don't think Z would get mad at me or feel offended.
"Tired, love?" He asks as I nod again because talking seems like too much effort suddenly. "We really have to work on your stamina, Suzanne," he grins when I open my eyes to glare at him.
Z and his goddamn stamina. It's probably from all his gym visits and treadmill pounding that he has so much. Whatever. I prefer relaxing to working out any day.
"Suzanne?"
"I'm awake," I grin again just as I feel him move once more to finish inside me. Slowly, and without the noises or groans I made earlier, Z finishes us with sweetness and love and everything beautiful between us.
"I love you, Z," I whisper as he moves to my side lifting me on his chest like he always does.
"I love you too, Sleepy," he says kissing my head with his smile-voice.
And that's the last happiness I know before sleep- Z's love and his smile-voice.
Until I suddenly remember in agony it’s that voice of Z’s that creates false feelings like these that make me almost forget our actual sad reality together.
CHAPTER 8
Waiting for Z to leave for the airport, I'm ready. I've done everything and put everything in order. I look the way I should and I've convinced everyone I'm on the mend.
For 3 goddamn days, I've had to deal with Z's constant hovering, and Kayla always watching me. I've spoken to Dr. Phillips every single day, even Sunday after the wedding, and I've played my part well. I know I have.
For having NO poker face I'm actually quite a good actress, which in another life could've made me famous for a good reason- not for the horrible reasons I'm known for by way too many people in this life.
Since I woke up Sunday morning after my horrendous night at the wedding, and my beautiful night with Z I've known what I had to do. I've never been more clear or so sure of anything in my life.
We even found out yesterday how Sheran was released early, which helped with all my fear and uncertainty.
First, he was released because he has testicular cancer that travelled to other parts of his body, which seemed way too fitting for a child rapist, if you ask me. And second, he gave some additional information he originally withheld from the D.A’s office. Information I’m sure if Glenn Rose was still active D.A. wouldn’t have been enough to secure Sheran’s early release, no matter how good the information was. But the new D.A. doesn’t really know me, nor did he feel the need to protect me like Glenn did when he was D.A. of Chicago.
According to Glenn, the new D.A. just wanted to make a name for himself by being involved in one of the largest, most famous cases in Chicago history. So he secured a deal with Sheran for his early release.
When Glenn called Z Monday morning he told him everything, which prompted Z to stay home from work to tell me everything. Which ultimately meant I was being babysat all day after the news.
But I didn’t need a babysitter because I was fine. Nothing really surprises me anymore, and what I learned surprises me even less. At this point there is very little that can still shock, surprise, or even upset me anymore. Though judging by Z and Kayla’s reactions I’m assuming this newest information should have shocked me at least.
Instead of being hurt though, I laughed. But not in a trippy Suzanne’s losing her shit sort of way, like Z assumed. I laughed in a ‘wow, that’s unbelievable, but totally believable’ sort of way. And it didn’t even hurt this time when I found out how much I was hated.
When I learned my mother paid the truck driver who hit me when I almost died a second time in New York, I simply laughed. Knowing he didn’t succeed, I wasn’t killed, and he received his money anyway from my mother ‘to quietly go away’ made me laugh even harder. Learning he also received an Insurance payout after the ‘accidental’ accident was too funny to me.
Knowing he failed to kill me as he was paid to do, and has been ‘living large’ as Glenn put it on my mother’s money was hilarious. Knowing while I was in another coma fighting for my life but alive, he took a post- accident cruise with his wife while he recovered from his minor injuries was beyond funny to me. It was hysterical actually.
My mother must’ve been so pissed at the time that I survived.
Well, at least I was scarred and damaged for life which must be a small comfort to her. Between the chunk of my thigh missing, the burns on my neck and shoulder, and my hideous facial scars, my mother probably revels in laughing at pictures of me from prison. So really, even though her attempt to murder her only child failed she can still take some sick satisfaction from the damage caused by the attempt she made.
Remembering when Z told me, I almost cry. Now. He looked so sad, and so devastated for me, I wanted to comfort him badly. I wanted to tell him not to be sad for me, or to let this newest reality upset him at all. Because at this point in my life, everything just is.
After learning everything I learned years ago about Marcus, and my mother and her past, and even my grandfather’s part in it all, I kind of just lost faith in everyone. I knew they were monsters, I just didn’t know how truly evil they were until everything came to head. And since that time, when I was alone and pregnant and sad without Z in my life, something changed in me. I learned to always expect the worst of people so I couldn’t be hurt ever again.
And really, it’s worked out well for me, yesterday being the best example I can come up with. Whereas Z looked sad and devastated, and Kayla walked away before she thought I could see her tears, I just laughed.
Finding out there was a warrant for the truck driver’s arrest, and that the new D.A. in Chicago wanted to press additional charges against my mother didn’t even phase me.
I could care less
at this point. From what I’ve been told, my mother isn’t getting out of prison until she’s either very old, or dead, so additional charges and more jail time tacked on to her multiple sentences just seems a little redundant. But whatever, it’s not my call to make.
Finally, I learned Z had hired someone 2 weeks before to always follow me wherever I went, just like in the beginning. When I thought I was driving alone to pick up Kayla at the airport, I was followed, and when I freaked out at the hair salon the Saturday before, I was followed to and from the wedding boutique and hair salon in the cabs I took. Surprisingly, I had NO idea though which was a little embarrassing.
However, when I said as much to Z he smirked and said that that was kind of the point of being watched by security. I wasn’t supposed to see my watcher, so nodding I asked the obvious next question, why?
Straightforward, with very little emotion I could react to, Z admitted he wasn’t sure why Sheran was released, and because I was in the newspaper article I was back in the forefront of everyone’s minds again, so he thought it best to hire security again for my protection. He said he was nervous, and that was even before we knew about the killer truck driver, whose own injuries I had asked about and stressed over when I woke from my coma which pissed me off a little.
Anyway, after I was told I remember nodding, breathing, thanking Z for his concern about my safety, and for trusting and respecting me enough to tell me everything he had learned from Glenn. And then I remember walking to our bedroom for a much needed break from all the drama of the last 2 weeks.
When I woke from the little nap I took I was still numb though. I didn’t feel sad about my mother’s betrayal, again, nor did I feel upset by the newest developments in my life which once again I have no control over.
So I rose from my bed, greeted Kayla on the couch, smiled at a nervous looking Z, and asked if we could order in dinner, to which both agreed.
During dinner it was all over, as far as I was concerned. We didn’t discuss the events taking place over dinner, and we three acted like we were all good. I ate and breathed and acted like I hadn’t just learned about a failed attempt on my life By. My. Mother.
I even managed to sound well when I received a quick call from Kayla Monday telling me about her gorgeous hotel on the beach, and how happy she was to be on her honeymoon. I smiled and laughed and acted normal when I heard Mack growling in the background to get off the phone to her sexy giggles.
Anyway, since then Z is still treading lightly with me, and Kayla who has been way beyond sweet- nothing like her usual self- is finally leaving to return to Chicago. It’s Tuesday night and I'm finally going to be alone. Because I’m fine.
Well, not fine by other people’s standards but by my own I’m fine. I have known what I had to do since Saturday night, and I know that I’m ready to do it tonight.
Walking back in the living room with the last of Kayla’s bags, I smile at her as she thanks me for having her over again. I convinced them both Z should drive her to the airport, instead of hiring the ridiculously expensive driving service, namely Kyle (who sadly I’ll never be able to see or speak to again in my humiliation) or from hailing the cab she wanted to take. So they’re ready to leave finally.
I convinced them everything was great, and I would see her soon, and to have a safe flight. I convinced Z I was fine at home and just wanted a little alone time while he drove to the airport, which though slightly suspicious looking was enough to get him to back off of all his hovering for at least an hour and a half to and from the airport.
Giving Kayla a final hug, I smile and giggle at her flirty Marty comments. Hugging Z I smile and squeeze him tight mentioning our secret sex couch in his ear so he thinks I'm happy. Waiting for them to descend the elevators, I smile and wave and just wait...
I'm almost free.
"I love you, Suzanne," Z says as the elevator door closes to my last smile and wave. But I feel nothing.
➰➰➰➰➰
I am the world’s best actress and I deserve an Academy Award, an Emmy, and maybe if I could actually sing a Tony award for my performance these last 3 days. Oh well. The first two at least.
Locking the door, I put the metal bar at the bottom which I know Z can't disengage from the outside. The metal bar was a gift to me for the rare nights Z travelled away from me, or for the times he was gone all day. It was a little metal bar, a gift from Z, to add a physical show of protection for me that all the hidden security alarms and cameras couldn't give me in our home.
The little metal bar gift that I'm now using against him was just one of the many gifts he gave me. The little metal bar that will prevent any interference I wouldn't be able to hear all the way in my bedroom if he came home too soon.
Walking back to our kitchen, I tidy up and wipe the counter clean. Passing the living room, I plump the couch pillows and refold the throw blanket neatly on the side of our huge couch as I run for the bedrooms.
Flipping off lights as I go, I throw open Kayla's door and smell her immediately. She has a lovely warm scent, mixed with old school Chanel that screams sexy and beautiful to me. She's also made her bed which is rare for her but appreciated with my time constraint.
Entering my bedroom, I walk to the little desk inside the glass atrium outside our room and sit for the last time to write. I have everyone else’s finished because they were easy. Everyone else will understand. Everyone else won’t really expect more from me but this, so I'm prepared.
Z, however, needed my special attention because he deserves it. I never want him to think he didn't mean to me what he meant, so I need to tell him now when I'm alone and the fear of being caught is absent.
I don't know which one will receive it, but I don't really care. Opening the first letter I read:
Mr. and Mrs. Beaumont,
I don't know why you hated me, but you've finally won.
You did this to me.
Suzanne
Followed by another of little importance.
Grandfather,
I hear you're sick and dying. I hope you find peace in the end like I never could. You didn't do this to me, but your silence contributed to what happened to me.
And for me there has never been any peace in my life.
Suzanne
And now the harder ones. The ones that actually hurt when I do feel.
(Chicago) Kayla,
Thank you for being my fabulous friend. You really
are, and I love that about you.
Thank you for helping when you could and for
forgiving me when you shouldn't have.
I'm sorry if you hate me now.
Love,
Suzanne xo
Dear (New York) Kayla,
I'm so happy you found me.
You are the best friend and sister I always dreamed of having. Your friendship made me so happy I can’t even explain it to you, other than your friendship was just so special for me I treasured it every day I knew you.
Please go love Mack forever. You both are amazing people and I know you'll be amazing together.
Help each other, always.
Love, Suzanne xo
And now for the heavy and the pain.
Dear Mack,
I need you to go love Kayla forever. I want a happily
ever after for someone I know, and I can't think of two more amazing people to experience it. Love Kayla
forever, Mack.
I'm so sorry for this. Please believe me when I say you
did NOTHING wrong, and you missed nothing. I was just that good of an actress. I've had to pretend my whole life, and I finally used it to my advantage. I'm sorry to put this last burden on you, but it IS the last one from me so I have to ask. Please take care of everyone for the next little while, but take care of yourself too. Please don't forget to care for yourself, Mack, like you sometimes do when other people's sad lives and craziness consumes you.
I have loved you from the moment we met, and I will always love you fo
r believing in my life enough to want to save me. You didn’t fail, Mack, I did. I was just too tired of the sad voices, and the nasty whispers, and the constant insecurity all the time. I finally woke up and realized I would always be screwed up to some degree, and I don't really want that for my life anymore. I actually want some peace now.
Mack, you are by far the greatest gift Z ever gave me, (besides himself) and I will love you forever.
You are ‘my person’ for eternity.
I love you,
Suzanne xo
Refolding the letters in my beautiful script, I feel okay with how I left things. It's not ideal certainly, but it is the absolute best I can do right now. And hopefully they'll eventually understand I did my best.
Walking to my bathroom, I grab what I need and place them on my bedside table before I begin my last letter. Z’s was the only letter I couldn't write while he was in our home, because I knew he’d sense it.
Also, having Z here felt too insulting, or tragic, or just sad or something. Knowing Z was around waiting for me to need him while I wrote him a goodbye letter felt like the biggest betrayal to the greatest man I have ever known, so I couldn’t do it. Until now.
Changing out of my yoga pants and cami, I wear my favorite black dress that Z bought me. It was a gift he had waiting on our bed as a surprise for an even better surprise night. He wouldn't tell me where we were going and though I barely held off begging it was so worth not knowing at the time.
My dress was beautiful, and our night ended amazing. It was the very night Z asked me to marry him properly, and the night he convinced me to say yes.
Finishing with my favorite ring from Z and a bracelet we both loved and bought in SoHo, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'm also so calm, I should be laughing at myself, but I feel no laughter right now. I feel no sadness, and I feel no fear anymore.