I’m simply resigned to my fate.
CHAPTER 9
Entering the atrium dressed and ready, I sit for my final goodbye.
Dear Z,
I love you very, very much though I'm sure you don't believe me right now, but I really do. Hopefully one day you will believe me.
I won't say I'm doing this for you, because even though that’s a small part of it, it's not the majority. Mostly, I'm doing this for me. When I say it's not you it's me, there are no truer words for us. This is all me this time. I’ve decided and I’m making the choice I didn't have when I was young. I'm making the choice to stop everything like I wish I could have done before. This is ALL me, Z.
I'm just so tired all the time now, and I don't want to be tired around you anymore. I don't want to be sad and confused and crazy any more around you. It's not fair to you, and it's not the life you should have to live. You are way too good to be trapped in this life with me.
Z, I want you to know I love you more than I've ever known love could be, and way more than I thought was even possible for me. Waking with you each day gave me a reason to fight for my future, and sleeping beside you each night gave me a reason to fight the nightmares of my past. Being with you has been the greatest joy of my life, because you have been the greatest gift I've ever known. You are my gift, Z, and I will hold you forever- just not here in this life any longer.
So, again, it isn't you Z, it’s all me. I'm too weak and too tired, and just too exhausted from pretending all the time. So I have to go now. I have to before I change you into someone else and eventually make you hate me, because I can't stand the thought of you ever hating me.
Z, I want you to find someone else to love. Someone who is easy and good, and who is actually worthy of you. I want you to love her and marry her, and even have those beautiful babies I couldn't give you. I want you to find love that is easy and makes sense. I want so much for you, and I want it because I love you. Walking on eggshells around a crazy wife who can't give you what you deserve isn't the life you're supposed to live. So please go find her and love her and be happy with her. Give someone who is worthy of you your good, bad, ugly, and beautiful, and make her give you the same in return.
Wiping away just one tear, I hold myself together with absolutely everything left of me to make this final goodbye right. Z deserves so much more than I'll ever be able to give him in this awful life of mine.
God, I love everything about you, Z. From your smiles and eyebrow wiggles, to your huge heart and your beautiful eyes. You are everything to me in every moment I've known you, always.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Suzanne
xo
Finally crying my eyes out as I sign off, I feel my total despair so clearly, my heart and soul ache with it now that I feel again. I know Z will never forgive me for this, I can only hope he moves on and eventually forgets me. That's the best case scenario for both of us now.
➰➰➰➰➰
"What are you doing, Suzanne?" Z suddenly asks behind me as I scream.
Jumping, I nearly fall from the chair in my shock. "The security bar," I cry out.
“Yes,” he glares at me. “I just learned if you slide a metal spatula through the side of the slightly opened door and wiggle it, the bar eventually falls to the side, which was a little too easy, I might add. Sorry for that breach in security, love. But I didn't know. I borrowed the spatula from Matthias down the hall by the way,” Z says scarily calm. "Nice dress, Suzanne. Going somewhere?"
What the hell is happening here? He should have been nearing the airport by now with Kayla. He shouldn't be here. What do I do now?
Suddenly grabbing for my letters, Z actually pushes me out of the way as I dive for them. Shocking me motionless, Z holds the letters out to me and actually smiles sadly at me while I panic inside.
"Did you really think you fooled me, Suzanne? Do you think you fooled anyone?" What? "I know you, love. Or I did, I should say," Z says with a weird sounding huff. "But I guess I don't know you well enough to keep you alive and well, do I?"
Gasping, I scream, "Of course you do! I wasn't doing anything. I was going to surprise you when you got home from the airport. I wanted to maybe go out for dinner or to the movies or something. I was dressing up for you," I lie in my panic.
"Well, that's going to be difficult with Kayla waiting for Dr. Phillips and crew in the living room, and it's going to be difficult for us when I'm not here anymore," he spins away from me into our bedroom.
Grabbing the pills from my bedside table he actually throws them against the wall a few feet from me and just stops everything as the pill bottle crashes to the floor near me.
When Z stops moving entirely and stares at me I don't know what to do. He isn't even breathing, I don't think. Z is staring at me in the most silent stillness I've even known from him, and I'm scared to death.
"Never again, Suzanne."
"Never what? I wasn't doing anything wrong," I cry out walking into our room. I wasn't, because this isn't wrong.
"It doesn't matter anymore, Suzanne. Nothing between us matters anymore."
"What are you talking about, Z?" Shaking my head I almost walk toward him but his sudden glare freezes me in place.
"I've agreed to a 72 hour psychiatric hold, and you'll be transported to Mercy as soon as Dr. Phillips arrives."
Staring back at Z with my mouth hanging open, I can't even laugh. I mean I want to, but I physically can't. I'm stuck again. There is just nothing but shock crushing me as he watches me watching him.
Finding my voice, I ask the obvious while I desperately try to understand what he just said to me. "Um, what do you mean? What did you do, Z?"
"Well, Suzanne," he says so deadpan, my heart aches hearing his voice. "I knew you weren't well, everyone knew that. But I really didn't know how unwell you were until last night. I saw you, love," he says so sadly a tear slides down my cheek as I stand frozen in place. "I watched you crying in the atrium from the door, but I didn't know what you were doing. I could tell it was bad though, so I left you alone in case you needed a moment. Once you were asleep however all bets were off. I tore through the books and drawers until I found all the letters, well, everyone's but mine apparently," he chokes out awkwardly.
"Because yours was special!" I yell accidentally. Holy shit! I just admitted everything in only 4 words.
Sneering at me, Z continues. "Special? Yes, I guess your suicide letter to your husband would be special, wouldn't it?"
"It wasn't-"
"What, Suzanne? A suicide letter? Then tell me what it was. Be honest with me for once in your goddamn life and just tell me what the fuck it was."
Exhaling, I can see he's mad, but I can't gauge how mad he is by his tone anymore. I can't tell if he's more hurt than mad, or just totally disgusted by me. I don't know what I should do because I can't gauge him at all anymore.
Sitting on the end of our bed I find the exhaustion so overwhelming I whisper, "I can't keep fighting anymore." And that’s the truth of everything in this moment.
"What are you fighting?" He asks me nearly breathless. I know he's afraid I'll stop talking if he pushes too much. And I know whenever Z gets that soft voice he's trying to keep me talking. I know that. And honestly, right here like this with him I want to just talk for once.
Exhaling everything tight in my chest, I finally let go. Looking up at Z's beautiful eyes silently begging me to speak, I whisper my truth. "Life."
"Life?" Looking down at my hands, I nod. "How, Suzanne?"
"Um, life is hard, Z. Well, for me it is," I admit sadly. "I had to fight my whole childhood parents that hated me for some reason I'll never understand. Then I had to fight as a teenager bad men hurting and raping my body and even my mind at the clinic with Simmons, and then I had to fight as an adult my lie of a marriage. I had to fight my piece of shit husband and my parents still hating me even as an adult."
Pausing for a minute to collect my
scattered thoughts I continue. "Um.... then everything happened, and I learned everything, and I had to fight to understand it all and I had to learn how to live after the aneurism, and how to live with the horrific revelations and memories of my childhood. I had to fight the fear and the pain, and the constant barrage of darkness and horror that was my life. I had to fight after the accident, and I had to fight looking in the mirror every day because of the accident. I even had to fight what happened with Thomas," I cry gently grabbing my stomach to hold in the pain.
"And now I'm supposed to be all better, and an adult, and stable. But I still have to fight to just live all the time. Honestly, I don't think you know how hard it is for me every single day. Ah, it's not your fault, but it's hard to be with you sometimes," I whisper hoping I don't make him more angry with me.
"Tell me," Z breathes when I can't raise my eyes to him. I don't want to see his sad face or his angry eyes anymore.
"Um, you're so beautiful, Z. And I'll always be just Suzanne next to you. And that never goes away. So even though you’re amazing and loving and wonderful and kind to me nothing ever changes inside me. I have your love, but the feelings inside me are still the same. Abused, hated, mocked, insecure, and just unworthy, I guess. I don't know how to explain it, but inside me is always sad darkness that I pretend doesn't exist so I can give you some moments of happiness so you'll stay with me. But they aren't real, or at least they aren't as real as I pretended they were for you. Those happy moments were more like seconds of time when I felt less pain than I've known and lived with my whole life. So I didn't fake them for you, but they weren't exactly as real as I pretended they were because I just wanted to give you a little peace with me."
"You've been pretending with me?" He asks as a sad question rather than as an accusation as I nod. "Tell me."
"Well, I know I'm annoying," I suddenly laugh on a quick burst and when I look up quickly at Z he's smiling a little until he nods me to continue. "I know people seeing me or hearing about me are thinking, 'Enough already. Get on with it. You got the guy and the life, and everything you ever wanted. So stop whining and freaking out, and move the hell on. Move forward with life already.' I know that. Just like I know I would be annoying to some people who are strong all the time, people who don’t understand my weakness. But I'm not strong, Z."
"Suzanne, you are strong."
"No, I'm not, Z. I pretend I am, and sometimes actually believe I am, but I'm really not. I'm weak and tired and just exhausted from this life. But not with you. Please believe me when I say that because it’s true. Life with you has been the greatest gift I've ever known, but it's not really enough to make all the other stuff go away, or like to balance it all out. But I really wish it was enough. Being with you should be enough because you are everything to me. But then all the pain and the fight and the exhaustion is still just always there, too. And I wish I was a better person, or a stronger person, or just a person who could get on with it, but I know I'm not," I almost cry, but just keep it in as I breathe deeply.
"How do you know that?" Z asks so quietly he makes me finally cry.
"Because even with you, I still have to try to not hurt myself all the time." Oh. And there it is.
Bursting out in a quick sob, I admit the truth finally. "They broke me, Z. And I've tried to get fixed so many times, but I was never fixed. I was taped up and glued shut but it wasn't real because I'm just broken," I cry as the pain lashes me from inside again.
"You're not broken, Suzanne, you're just-"
Shaking my head he stops speaking. "I am, Z. And that's what I don't think you, or Mack, or the Kaylas, or even Dr. Phillips understand. I actually am broken beyond repair. I will always be HER- that awful, insecure, loveless little girl who was hated and abused and so sad every day and every single night of her life she wished to die in her sleep, even at just 7 years old."
When our silence thickens, I continue so he finally understands. "I never told you that before, but it's true, Z. Even at 7 years old, before all the abuse that would damage me forever, even then as a very little girl I wanted to die so all the pain and abuse and hate from my mother would stop. I actually used to dream of dying in my sleep before I fell asleep. I used to pray for it and beg for it, and I even tried to figure out how to do it, but I was too young. I wanted to be the Cipher In The Snow,” I whisper and look at Z. But when he looks confused by the movie of my childhood I continue.
“At 7 years old for god's sake, I wanted to die not even knowing what else was to come for me, or how much worse it could actually get. But then it did get worse, and I dealt with it however I could until I just didn't deal with anything at all. And now I'm expected to deal with everything so I can be happy. But there is no happy, Z. There is just nothing left. And I'm tired of fighting," I whisper.
"So you decided to kill yourself tonight?" He asks as I nod. Still staring at my hands, I can't look at his eyes anymore. Z’s eyes always give me false hope and a temporary reason to try. "What happened that you finally decided?" He asks again when I still can't look up at him.
"Um, this weekend. Well, for a while now. But this weekend was the final straw for me. I was finally an embarrassment to you."
"You weren't an embarrassment," he lies quickly.
"Please don't lie to me, Z. I'm not lying to you anymore. I'm telling you everything so you can know why and move on."
"Move on?" He asks with a little tone in his voice, but I don't care anymore if he's mad at me. Maybe feeling angry will make him move on quicker. "Okay. So this weekend did what exactly?"
"Pushed me too far. My mother tried to kill me, and Sheran is free, and I can't handle all the fear and insecurity anymore."
"I told you Sheran would never get to you."
"I know. And I believe you that he won't physically get to me. But it's the mental stuff I fear the most. He was a part of everything that broke me, and now he's free again to torture me with the fear of his return. But that isn't really the problem anymore, Z. It's the other stuff that bothers me the most."
When Z suddenly sits down beside me I flinch. I’m both surprised by the movement but mostly shocked he would be this close to me still.
"What stuff, Suzanne? Tell me..." he asks ignoring my flinch.
"Um, feeling worthless and unworthy. Feeling like a freak all the time. Feeling ugly and used and just insecure. You know, nobody understands why we're together, Z. No one. I've heard the comments, and I've seen the reactions from women especially, but even from some men as well because I'm so gross now. And I wish I wasn't as superficial as that, but I am, I guess. But it doesn't come from a superficial place, it comes from the nightmare I think. When they did those things to me, they always said I was pretty. They kissed my cheeks before or after and said I was a good, pretty girl. And they made me almost feel pretty too after what they did to me because I was so hurt and broken down. Or maybe I just needed to hold onto those little compliments because that's all there was for me then. If I wasn't being physically attacked, I was being hated by my parents. So those tiny little comments and compliments meant the world to me in my awful place of darkness. And now-"
"Your face is scarred," Z says gently as I nod.
"Yes. I don't even have a pretty face anymore like they said I did," I cry as he takes my hand and gently rubs my knuckles. "Um, I'm just all ugly now. Inside and out. And you're beautiful and people want you and you're just so amazing. But I can't stand the looks anymore. They make me feel exactly like I did back then, and still do I guess. I'm ugly, fat, worthless Suzanne born only to torture and abuse," I cry again as I feel him nod beside me.
"Have I ever tortured or abused you?"
"No."
"But it's still not enough?" He asks with the calm reserve I no longer fear. Z won't hurt me and he wants me to tell him the truth, so I do.
"Not really. And I'm sorry for that. Truly sorry. I wanted you to be enough, and you would be more than enough for anyone else. But for me, there's just too much to overc
ome."
"Okay, love. I understand, and I'm really sorry I wasn't enough, too," he says suddenly standing away from me. "Dr. Phillips will be here any minute if he isn't already, and Kayla wants to say goodbye to you. Will you at least come say goodbye?" He asks so calmly I start to feel real fear of him.
"Why? I can just stay here and wait, or you can just ignore all this and let me-"
"Suzanne. Enough!" Z suddenly yells making me jump on the bed again. "If you think for one fucking second I'm going to walk away and let you kill yourself in our goddamn bedroom you're crazier than I ever thought possible. You are doing nothing to yourself tonight, or ever for that matter. So cut the shit and get the fuck into the living room and wait for Phillips to try to help you. It's enough, Suzanne!" He yells one more time so loudly, I quickly cover my ears.
Waiting for another explosion, or for the hitting, or for anything else he's going to do, the shaking starts so quickly, I have to start deep breathing to get control of myself again.
"It's time, Suzanne. Let’s go," Z says lifting me right off the bed by my arms as I give in. I'm not fighting him ever again, and the sooner this is over the sooner I can convince them all I'm fine until I'm free to be not fine again on my own.
Nearly dragging me by my arm down the hall to the living room I just see Kayla's face for a second before I'm standing at the front door.
"Where are we going?" I ask desperately.
Turning me quickly, Z actually lifts me right off my feet by my arms to my shock and kisses my lips hard.
Kissing me, he breathes deeply into my lungs but before I can reciprocate he places me back on my feet shaking and confused by his sudden passion for me. And then he turns away.