"Suzanne, I'm so sorry," Kayla cries stepping up to us but Z stops her from coming close to me with his body blocking her.
In a deadly calm voice Z says, "NOT now," as I watch Kayla step back one foot and nod okay before Z shuts me in the cool, dark of his huge SUV.
When I hear the trunk lifted I sit up quick but Z says simply, 'It’s only me, Suzanne,' until nodding I lay back down.
When Z opens the door again, he lays a blanket all over me, kisses my hair, and walks back away. Sliding into the front seat, Z immediately turns us around slowly, and before I can even think his huge hand moves toward me to grab.
Crying, I know his shoulder is at an awkward angle, and I know it must be hard to drive that way. I know he's uncomfortable for me, but he does it anyway.
"I'm really sorry, Z."
"Suzanne, don’t worry about anything."
Cutting him off, I need to finish this for us. "I was doing so well, and I don't know what happened. Well, I know what words triggered this, but I don't know why they hit so suddenly. I was fine and then not fine at all so quickly there wasn't time to breathe. And I forgot my meds, and I remember being told I couldn't drink on my medication because it makes the effects unpredictable, but I don't think I've ever tested it before. I don't think I ever did because I never get drunk, and I guess one glass of wine once in a while is okay, but shots and other drinks and stuff aren't okay. And I'm really sorry, and this isn't Kayla's fault, okay?"
When the silence continues, Z squeezes my hand from time to time to let me know he's still with me, and I always squeeze back to let him know I'm still with him.
Trying to understand exactly what happened, I know one thing to be absolutely true- this was coming. I didn't know what would do it, and I wasn't sure when it would happen. But I’m sure I felt the panic slowly coming for me. This was absolutely coming. I just can’t believe how far I went with it so deeply and I’m stunned I went so dark so quickly.
"This isn't Kayla's fault, Z. Please don't be mad at her. She didn't mean to hurt me, and she didn't know what was happening because I left the bar when I freaked out. It's my fault for drinking and for forgetting my meds."
"It's going to be okay, Suzanne," Z whispers in the darkness and I almost believe him.
➰➰➰➰➰
Reaching for my pills I take 2 with shaking hands and a nauseous stomach. Tonight was so bad. I was so filthy and bad, and I honestly can’t believe I lost it that badly. I didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t know who I was with. And that hasn’t happened to me in a few years.
"I need to shower, Z. The dirty is all over me and it’s still inside me," I whisper cry when we enter our bathroom together.
"Suzanne, there is no dirty inside you. None at all. You are clean inside, I promise," he says gently, but I know he's wrong. I'm filthy inside otherwise I wouldn’t have done what I did in that alley.
Looking at myself in the mirror when Z starts the shower, I'm shocked and embarrassed, and really, just completely disgusted with myself once again.
Naturally, my mascara is smeared all over my face from crying, and all my foundation has been wiped off showing the red and pink scars clearly. I have a dark red scrape on my other cheek which makes me suddenly laugh in the dark silence of our bathroom because my cheeks match now and I’ll never be able to cover both sides without just flipping my hair upside down to cover my whole face.
Removing my beautiful pendant Z gave me on our one year anniversary, I see the vomit in my hair, down my neck and even wiped down the side of my dress. Giggling, I find this whole scene so goddamn nostalgic I feel like I need to take a picture to remind myself of just how bad I can get. Not that I ever forget, but sometimes I like to delude myself into believing I'm not as mental as others make me out to be.
"Can I be alone?" I ask in our silence.
I'm not sure Z heard me over the running water, but when he walks to me I assume he did. Placing his hands on my shoulders looking at me through the mirror, his eyes seem to be begging me for something, but I don't know what he wants. He looks so sad suddenly my heart hurts simply looking at him. Watching him staring at me like he still loves me, I just don't understand him.
"What is it?"
"I just want to help you, Suzanne. I need to help you, and I know you're going to need to take one of your moments, and I know that's perfectly okay, but sometimes I wish your moments didn't always exclude me," Z says hugging me tightly from behind.
Looking at his face, I feel my tears start again and I wish I knew what this man saw in me because I honestly don't understand him. Everyone else wanted something from me, so they took everything from me. But Z- Z takes nothing. And I don't understand him.
"Let me help you, please?" He begs and I can only nod as we hold each other captive with our eyes.
After forever, Z finally asks me to turn to him and I do. Raising his hands slowly behind me he unzips the back of my dress and lowers it off my shoulders. Never acknowledging my body, Z continues with my bra and eventually with my panties which somehow were raised back up my body from my knees.
"You're okay, Suzanne. And it’s just us here," he whispers kissing my forehead like he knew the embarrassment was almost taking me to the darkness again which it was.
I remember my panties around me knees, and I remember my ass in the air, and I remember-
"Look at me," he says firmly, and my eyes immediately rise to his. Nodding, he kisses my head again and walks us to the shower.
When I step inside the door, Z quickly removes his clothes as I lean back and let the soothing warm water run through my hair and down my body. Moving when Z enters I can't look at him down there right now. It's too much, and it'll get all twisted in my head if I see his huge- oh! Z's under the water in his boxer briefs like he knew what I needed again.
"You're so good to me, Z" I whisper cry as he smiles slightly.
"I try to be. I want to be with you."
Exhaling, I tell him the truth. "You are with me. You are exactly what I need. And I'm so sorry it's always so hard with me."
"It's not hard," he grins when I give him a skeptical look. "It's not hard, Suzanne. It's challenging, and sad sometimes, and even a little scary at times. But when everything is good, and when you feel happy, it's all worth it to me. Everything about you, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful is worth every single day I have with you," he says so sweetly, I burst into tears again and lean into his chest as he hugs me.
After forever in silence, Z finally pulls away from me to clean my body. Washing my scraped cheek gently with a cloth, he kisses my nose when my eyes close from the sting, until he moves to my knees to clean the scrapes there as well. When he rises and turns my hand over, he pours some antibacterial soap and soothes me with soft sounds when I pull away from the sting.
Once my hair is washed I step out of the shower to give Z time to clean himself. Brushing my nasty teeth I watch his body move in the shower through the frosted glass and I can't stop thinking about everything tonight, everything between us, and everything that Z is.
But I still come up with no explanations to anything.
Sliding into bed once I'm dressed, Z follows me immediately dressed in black plaid lounge pants and a t-shirt. Usually Z sleeps naked which I love, but I'm actually glad he's dressed tonight. I don't think I could handle seeing a penis tonight, even Z's.
Smiling at me, Z settles in on his side so we're facing each other. "I wish I knew what you were thinking right now," he whispers.
"Um, it's mostly good now. Where's Kayla?" I ask concerned because I know Z's probably pissed at her.
"I really don't give a shit where she is, Suzanne. But to answer your question, she's at Mack's," he says with way too much anger.
"Z, you can't be mad at her."
"Actually, I can," he argues.
"Actually, you can't. Because she didn't do anything wrong. She made a normally funny comment to a not normal person. Anyone else would have reacted norma
lly, but I didn't and that's not her fault. You know her, Z. She would never intentionally hurt me," I plead.
"But she did," he says flipping to his back.
Exhaling, I don't want to argue, but I can't have this animosity continue tomorrow. "She really didn't, Z. I hurt me by being careless with my medication and with all the drinking. I did this to myself, she just innocently used a trigger word which she didn't know was a trigger or you know as well as I do she never would've said it."
"I understand, Suzanne. But I'm freaked out by tonight and I need to be mad at her right now."
"Okay," I grin. "But just tonight when she's not here, okay? Then tomorrow you have to let it go. Deal?"
Turning to look at me, Z breathes nearly silently, "I don't think we should go to the wedding tomorrow. Kayla and Mack will understand."
Sitting up quickly, I’m not agreeing this time. "We have to go. And I feel much better and I won't drink. I'll make sure my meds are close, and really we have to go. We're the maid of honor and best man and we love them and even if they say they will, I know deep down they'll never forgive me for ruining their wedding. And I won't forgive myself either, Z. I won't."
"Suzanne, they’ll understand," he pushes staring up at me.
"We have to go, Z," I whisper reaching over to squeeze his hand. "I know what happened, and I know what caused it. I'll call Dr. Phillips in the morning before we go, and I'm fine now. I promise I'm fine. I'm just really tired and we have to get up in 5 hours. But I'm okay, Z."
I know I sound a little desperate which kind of counters the 'I'm fine' argument, but I can't screw up tomorrow. I won't screw up tomorrow.
Mack and Kayla love me. And I love them. And I will never hurt them, ever. So I'll fake being well until I actually do feel well. And I'm going to their wedding with or without Z. Period.
Snuggling into Z's side as he wraps an arm around me, I whisper my plans. "We are going to their wedding. And I'm going to stand in that huge church with the ugliest dress known to man, staring at my gorgeous husband who tries not to laugh at me in my hideous dress. I'm standing up for Kayla as Maid of Honor because I love her like a sister. And Mack? Well, you know how I feel about him, and I know what he means to you. So we're going, Z. Okay?" I finish my little rant with absolute desperation and complete emotional exhaustion.
"Okay..." Z breathes on an exhale.
CHAPTER 5
Pulling up to the hair salon after the makeup clinic in silence, I finally turn to Z before hopping out.
"Please stop, Z. I promise I'm okay. I know last night was really bad, and I know you're still freaked out by me and by everything that happened, but I am okay. I have an appointment with Dr. Phillips first thing Monday morning, and I feel much better after we spoke this morning. But you have to leave me alone now. It's too hard making myself feel okay when you're hovering around me like I'm not okay. Okay?" I ask with a grin at all my okays.
"Okay," he smiles before stepping out of the truck to open my door for me like he always does.
Once my door is open, he looks down at me so sweetly I kiss his lips quickly before struggling to get out. "I'm good, Z. But you're going to be late for your breakfast with the men. And no more driving me around. I was supposed to stay with the bridal party after our makeup, but now you've seen me in all my purple glory," I laugh thinking of my hideous makeup.
"You look lovely, Suzanne," he says against my lips before I shake my head and pull away.
Grinning at his blatant lie, I call him out. "I do not look lovely, I look awful. So you either need glasses or you must love me to even say such a ridiculous comment as that."
"I do love you and I'm getting glasses as soon as possible," he says like a smartass making me laugh against his chest.
"I'll see you in a couple hours, and I'm good. So stop stressing, and go have fun."
"You're getting quite bossy, Suzanne," he whispers. "And I think I like it."
"Good. Now go away," I fake glare until backing away with his hands raised in surrender he walks back around the truck to hop in.
Waving away Z and walking into the hair salon, I raise my hand to both Kaylas who are already standing away from the others near the door waiting for me. Smiling, I keep walking to the back room I hide in when I need it, motioning for them to follow. Waiting for them to enter behind me I close us in and purge before they can start on me.
"Last night was awful. Or a clusterfuck, as you would say," I smile at Chicago Kayla. "But I'm not discussing it, I don't want to hear an apology, and we're moving on. This is Kayla's day, not the Suzanne Show, and I'm really good right now. I've taken lots of meds," I add with a smirk, "I've talked to my doctor this morning before we left, and I know exactly what happened and why it happened. And because I know what happened, nothing bad is going to happen today. I won't allow it. So I'm walking back out there to Dee, I'm getting my hair styled, and I'm going to put up with your bitchy sisters with Kayla's help of course," I say looking hard at Chicago Kayla for backup until she nods which prompts Kayla to laugh.
"I really am okay now. And I don’t want to discuss last night. It was my fault entirely, and I don't blame you Kayla and neither does Z now," I add with inflection. "We're just going to move on and have to best goddamn wedding New York has ever seen once you put on more makeup because no offense Kayla, but you still look horrible," I burst out laughing as Kayla does, thank god.
"I'm dying," she moans. "I've already puked a few times, had to listen to my mother lecture me while puking in the toilet, taken 5 Tylenols, and Kayla here looks like this," she thumbs Chicago Kayla who really does look perfectly put together. The bitch.
"Can I say one thing?" Kayla asks quietly and I shake my head no.
"Last night was NOT your fault, I still love you, and we're absolutely fine. But that's it. It's over now, at least for today. Okay?" I ask them both until they nod. "Good. Well, let’s get back in there before your sisters start trashing us."
"I love you, Suzanne," Chicago Kayla suddenly whispers, and though I had put on my biggest big girl panties today, she just knocked the air from my lungs with that one.
Tearing up, I smile and nod before opening the door to Dee waiting at my chair in the back ready for me with her own big smile.
Inhaling deeply, I breathe, "Let’s do this," as my Kaylas nod.
➰➰➰➰➰
"Holy shit, Suzanne! What the fuck is that?" Kayla yells as I panic and desperately shush her with my hands flapping in the dressing room lounge.
Trying to hold in my laughter, I whine, "It's a bow."
Looking at me like I'm mental, Kayla continues. "I know it's a goddamn bow. But it's wider than you are tall and its plastered on your ass. How the hell can you even sit?"
Mumbling, "Uncomfortably," we both start laughing. "Shhhhh... Kayla's only a few doors down and she loves this dress, so don't say anything to her. It's her wedding day and you're not allowed to hurt her feelings today," I glare as she nods still staring at my ass bow open mouthed. "Stop it," I laugh. "Like your Barney purple nightmare is any better?"
Grinning, "It's better than that thing. You could hide a family of 4 in your ass today," she says still laughing, and I can't stop my own.
"We're going to get in so much trouble if Kayla hears us. You have to stop with the ass comments because I'm dying here," I say with a sad twirl as I try to lift the huge ass-bow that I swear to god has steel planks in it to keep it stretched out sideways from my body. Christ, I thought it was bad before but now that it's been set to stay sideways it's horrendous.
"Z is going to-"
Interrupting us, Laura walks out already pouting. With her hair up, which apparently she hates, and with her makeup completed which she hates as well, she plops in the closest chair to us and grins at me like a bitch.
"Nice bow, Suzanne. I guess you regret being Maid of Honor now, don't you?" She smirks again, and I wish I could hit her. Being Kayla's older sister, Laura has clearly been pissed from the start that she wasn'
t chosen as Maid of Honor, but what could I do? I was asked, happily accepted, and I've had to deal with her shit ever since.
When Kayla steps forward I brace for it before Laura even knows what's coming. "She doesn't regret a thing. Why would she? Being chosen to be Kayla's Maid of Honor after only knowing her for a few years over her older bitchy sister of a lifetime is quite an honor. And it says a lot about how Kayla feels about you, doesn't it?" Oh. Ouch. Shit.
"Maybe she just felt sorry for her," Laura counters. Oh. Ouch again.
"Nah... Kayla clearly just loves us more because we’re not bitches, I think," Kayla finishes with the last word just as Mrs. Rinaldi and Kayla walk toward us from their huge dressing room at the end.
Ignoring Laura completely, I take in Kayla and tear up immediately. Though a classically over the top, big puffy, white lacy dress, she looks gorgeous anyway- stunning, actually.
Smiling from ear to ear, Kayla quickly takes in me, Laura, and Kayla, but as I step forward she doesn't seem to notice any residual tension between us.
"You look beautiful, Kayla," I whisper as she hugs me. Obviously not a dress I would ever be caught dead in, but on Kayla her dress is the absolutely perfect, magazine-style, over the top wedding dress of most women's dreams.
"She does," Mrs. Rinaldi says from behind her.
"You look beautiful too, Mrs. Rinaldi," I add. "Your hair is amazing," I look at it closely because it really is. Wearing an up-do like the rest of us, Mrs. Rinaldi included purple and black dripping jewels throughout her hair. But not in a garish way, they're actually quite subtle but beautiful when you notice them.
"Thank you, honey," she says back and though I see Kayla flinch as her eyes dart to mine quickly, I only smile back. Nope. No freak out over 'honey'. Ha. I've got this. Smiling at Kayla, I let her know I'm good before she starts asking me questions in front of everyone.