If I'm sitting on it he knows I need him dark and delicious, and if he's lounging on it, I know he needs me to be ready for him. It is our special, secret sex couch and it has been very, very good to us, I giggle and blush.
CHAPTER 4
"Z, I need help," I giggle into the phone.
"What's wrong?!" He yells and I realize my mistake immediately. Shit, of course he'd think the worst. I just never thought about it. "Suzanne!" He yells again having a mini-fit.
"Shit! Sorry. I'm okay. But-"
"Is someone trying to hurt you?!" He yells again, and I can already hear the phone moving like he's running for the door.
"No! Stop, Z! Just listen to me. I. Am. Fine. No one is with us, but-"
"Where the hell is Kyle?" He yells again and I can't help my huff of frustration. I totally screwed this up.
"Ah, I think we kind of misplaced him."
"Misplaced a driver?" He asks like I'm mental. "What the hell does-"
"Z! Shut UP for a second!" I yell to get his attention and it works immediately. Actually, it works so well I almost forget what I'm trying to tell him.
"Where are you, Suzanne?" He speaks just above a whisper and I know he's trying so hard not to freak on me.
"Well, that's the thing... I'm not really sure. Kayla wanted to leave the one club, then Kayla found this other club, and then we met up with her cousin Tonia who is really sweet by the way. But then we ended up here I think, and now I'm not sure where we are."
Speaking as calmly as he can, Z asks the next question and I'm already giggling before answering. "Where are the Kaylas? Are they with you?"
"Um... Yes. Well, kind of. We're, well, they're still inside this dive club and I can't see a club name or a street sign, and they're really drunk, Z. Like fall down drunk, and I can't really carry them," I suddenly burst out laughing. "As if I could carry either of them, never mind both of them. They're like 12 feet tall combined!" I howl with my laughter.
"Are you drunk?" He asks so seriously, my giggles answer the question for me. "Okay, Suzanne. I have your location on my phone, so I'm on my way. Just stay right where you are. Actually, get your ass back inside the club with the girls while you wait for me. Okay?"
"Yup. I love you, Z. Thank you for the awesome lovin' on our sex couch last night. You were very, very good, Mr. Zinfandel," I breathe hoping for more of that sex tonight when we get home.
"I love you too, Suzanne," he says with his smile-voice making me giggle again when he hangs up.
Finding my way back to my girls, I can't believe Kayla is passed out on the filthy table while Chicago Kayla ignores her completely to talk to some hot young guy beside her.
"Holy shit! Is she drooling?" I ask as I sit my fat ass down. When Chicago Kayla looks over at her and rolls her eyes we both start laughing again.
Reaching in her purse Kayla pulls out her cell and starts taking pictures of drooling Kayla and though I think it's wrong I laugh as she does it anyway. Kayla is going to be a train wreck tomorrow at her wedding.
"We're in deep shit," I yell over the music.
"Ah, so you did call your daddy?" Kayla smirks turning back to the guy so she can’t see my immediate reaction.
"He's not my daddy," I defend quickly while shaking my head to clear it. Z isn't like that. Z's never been like that to me. Oh no... Please not now.
"Whatever. You ran and called him, and now daddy is coming to spank us," she laughs with the guy she's flirting with. But I can't respond, and I don't really hear her anymore.
My whole body just became really hot, and my heart has started pounding. The jazz music is slowly receding, and everything is growing dark around the edges of my sight. Oh, god… I know what’s coming.
Trying to breathe my way into the present, I know I'm in trouble. I didn't bring my pills like an asshole because I didn't think anything could hurt me tonight.
After the rehearsal and dinner everyone was so happy, we all decided to split up for fun little individual bachelor/bachelorette parties. Spontaneously, we all split up and agreed to meet back up at my house at midnight before everyone went home. Chicago Kayla staying with us, and Kayla to her mother's house as tradition states she has to the night before her wedding.
But I never thought. And I never drink like this. And I didn't know.
"Z's not my daddy, Kayla," I yell trying to get her attention.
Moving closer to the guy, Kayla looks at me quickly and laughs like what I said is the funniest thing ever. But I don't care if she thinks I’m funny, I’m just trying to breathe right now. I’m trying to stay right here in this club in New York with my friends tonight.
This is not then.
But my everything has started shaking, and I remember Mr. Williams liked me calling him daddy, and though he's Z's daddy, Z's not my daddy. I know that. And I'm not little anymore.
Grabbing my phone again, I call Z before I'm completely incoherent. I know it's coming, and I hope he can help me before I freak out completely.
"We're only 20 minutes away," Z says calmly but I can only nod. "Suzanne? How are you doing?"
Gathering all my strength, I say the one word I can wheeze out of my quickly closing throat. "Trigger." And that's it.
The pressure in my chest is too great, and the memories are too close, and the feelings and memories are touching me all over my skin.
"Trigger?! Suzanne! I'm on my way, love. Mack's with me and we'll be right there. Just hold on. Please?!" He begs and I try really hard to hold on, but I just can't breathe. "What's happening, Suzanne?"
Gasping a breath, I tell him everything. "You're not- my- d-daddy..."
Standing quickly, I drop my phone on the table because I know I need air. Pushing past the guy Kayla's kissing, I stumble into the table beside us as she laughs when I walk run past them for the exit.
I don't think she knows. I really don't think she saw what happened. I'm almost positive Kayla would’ve helped me instead of making out with that stranger if she knew. But she doesn't know. And Kayla was passed out on the table drooling. So no one knows what's happening to me.
Tugging open the heavy wooden door, I just get a huge gulp of air when my stomach turns and I throw up on the sidewalk. Shaking, I try to stop the panic so hard, but it takes me anyway.
The feelings are all around me and inside me again and they're slowly strangling me from the inside out. They are spanking me, and laughing at me, and screaming at me, and grunting inside me.
Throwing up again, I land on my knees to crawl to the side of the building to the little alley in between buildings. Scrapping my knees on pebbles and making my hand bleed on a piece of broken glass, I don't care. I don't want anyone to see me, and I can't have anyone know what's happening to me.
Maybe if I hide they can’t get me this time. Maybe if I stay quiet in the alley they won’t find me. Maybe if I stay little, they won’t hurt me this time.
Leaning against the wall, I pull my legs up tight to protect my body as I breathe in and out as slowly as I can. Breathing, I feel the nightmare fear change to reality when the memories take me completely.
I know Mr. Sheran was there. He touched me all the time. He always touched me. He was very bad to me and I can't believe he convinced a judge that he didn't touch me that much. He must’ve said something, or lied, or told them something they wanted to hear. He did something to get out early, and I don’t know what he did or said because he did touch me. Too often, and too badly.
Like Daddy Williams.
Throwing up again, I feel him all over me again. My little body is shaking and my arms have given out until just my cheek squeaks on the floor back and forth from my wet tears.
Grunting around me and pushing inside me, Daddy Williams spanked me and pulled my hair, and fucked me until I couldn't move anymore. He left me on the sauna floor gasping for breath, so hot and used my skin was burning. He was laughing at me until I crawled for the exit toward air and my freedom.
Reaching up, I remember the li
ttle click of the sauna door handle as I was blasted with cool air and my freedom. That time. But I was never really free, was I?
It was always the laughter and the pain that trapped me. So much pain all the time. If it wasn’t the fucking, or the hitting, it was the awful words. Such mean words to say to a little girl. I never liked the words, but they always said them even when I begged them to stop.
“Suzanne?”
Oh, god. Here we go again.
Closing my eyes, I unfold my legs and turn over. Resting on my hands and knees, I lift my dress over my hips and pull my panties down quickly to my knees.
When I’m a good girl, they’re usually good to me. When I don’t fight them, they don’t fight me. So I know to always be a good girl.
“Suzanne, it’s me,” he says, and I don’t really care.
Mr. Sheran, or Daddy Williams, or Mr. Sheehan, or Simmons, or all the others. Or even my own mother. There are so many of them and they all do the same thing so it doesn't really matter who it is. All that matters is not fighting them. So I never fight them anymore.
When he places his hand on my back I freeze up tight but try to loosen the muscles of my dirty hole. If I clench in fear it hurts more and I bleed more. If I let the fear make me tight I always hurt so much more. So I have to try to not be afraid this time to make me looser and easier for them.
Wiggling my ass, I try so hard to make the muscles loose for him so I won't scream when he forces it inside me.
"Suzanne, it's Kyle. Z's on his way any minute, and I'm not going to hurt you. I promise," he says but Mr. Sheran always said that before he hurt me.
If there is such a thing as a nice monster, Mr. Sheran was probably it though. He didn't gag me, or hit me, or make me bleed too often. He was actually pretty nice to me. For a monster, I almost laugh. But thankfully I just catch the laugh in my throat and turn it into a little cough so he doesn't know I was laughing at him. Because laughing at him would be really bad for me right now.
Looking behind me, I don't know what's taking him so long. My muscles will only stay loose if I work at it and keep pushing out to accept him, and I'm getting tired as my arms shake holding me up. But he still isn't doing anything.
Kneeling beside me, his hand is still on my back, but he's not even looking at me. He's on the phone actually.
"...doesn't know me... I don't know... I'm just resting with her..." Oh yeah, sure. I'm resting? What an asshole!
I wonder if he's taking my picture. Spreading my legs further apart for him, I raise my ass so he can get a better shot of my little pussy, then maybe this'll be over quicker.
"There you go, sir. I'm all open for you if you want," I whisper so he won't get mad at me. But he still doesn't move, and he doesn't look at my body either.
God, I hate these mind games. I never guess right when they want me to, and I always get punished for not doing what they want me to do when I don’t guess right.
"I'll do whatever you want. Please, sir. Just tell me what you want from me and I'll do it," I beg but he keeps talking quietly on the phone ignoring me completely.
"Suzanne! Stop!" Z suddenly yells in the street at the alley and I tense immediately. Oh god... He's going to see this and he'll never forgive me, and I can't do this to him.
"It's not my fault!" I scream desperately before flinching away from Sheran. "He did this! I don't want this anymore, but they make me and I'm not bad, but I can't stop them, Z. Please forgive me!?" I scream as the tears blind me to everything but the wavy street lights around him. Desperate for him to understand, I beg again, "Please forgive me, Z? This wasn't supposed to happen to me anymore."
I think I hoped Z would come save me. I think in the back of my mind I hoped he would somehow come get me this time. But he never did before, and I didn't think he really would this time. I just hoped he would.
"Suzanne, I came for you. And I'm not mad at you at all. This isn't your fault, I know that," Z says like he means it.
Crying out my relief, I let my arms slump to the ground as I feel my face scrap the filthy pavement. Rolling into a ball, I watch Z and Mack walk quickly towards me like they might help me this time.
Reaching out I cry please so Z will save me in time.
"I'm here, love," Z says bending down low in my face. And I know he is. I hoped he would and he came for me.
Bursting into loud tears and sobs, the relief is so sudden, I can help but reach for him to pull him to me until he collapses on the ground next to me.
Crying, I say everything in this moment. "You saved me this time. You didn't save me when I was little but you saved me this time. Thank you so much, Z. Thank you for stopping him from hurting me this time."
"Suzanne, no one was going to hurt you tonight, I promise. I wouldn't let them."
"Sheran was going to," I cry, trying to move away from him.
"Kyle wasn't going to hurt you, Suzanne. Do you remember Kyle? He's the driver we use. Remember Kyle and his wife Veronica?" Ummm... I think maybe, but...
"Kyle? I know Mr. Sheran was here because its Friday night, and he always visits me on Friday nights. I remember that now."
"Suzanne, you're in New York with me now. You're not in Chicago, and Mr. Sheran isn't here. There is no one here but your safe people- Me, Mack, Kayla, Kayla, and even Kyle. You're not at the country club, Suzanne. And NO ONE is going to hurt you tonight," Z says fiercely against my face and hair as he pulls me closer to him.
My safe people? "I think I know that. I think I do, but Mr. Sheran is going to come back now that he's free. They always come back for me, Z," I whisper as I start shaking again.
I knew this would happen. I knew he'd come back. Ever since I read the article in the paper I've known.
"Sheran isn't in New York, Suzanne. He's still in Chicago. Trust me."
"But he'll still come back, I think."
Squeezing me a little tighter, Z says, "He will NEVER come back to you."
Exhaling deeply, I feel everything loosen up inside me. Z is here. And my safe people are here. And I know Z won't let anyone take me. Z will protect me and keep me safe. I know that, I just forgot.
"I'm sorry," I whisper as Z kisses my forehead again. "I know you're not my daddy," I say and jolt.
Waking fully to my surroundings, I finally understand what’s happening and what actually happened. Oh my god...
“Kayla said you were my daddy. No,” I shake my head to clear it more. “She said I was calling my daddy and he was going to come and spank me. But I knew you weren't my daddy, Z. I knew that. But then I felt Mr. Williams all around me and inside me again and I couldn't breathe and I didn't want him to touch me, and I didn't want that bad daddy to come get me, and-"
"Suzanne-"
"Oh, god… You're NOT my daddy, but your daddy fucked me."
Turning my head quickly I throw up between me and Z on the pavement again as the shakes start working their way through my hands and chest.
Shaking, I almost collapse in my own vomit, but Z pulls me tighter to him, and instead leans in my vomit himself to keep me out of it.
"I'm so sorry, Suzanne. I am NOT him. Ever. I'm not my father, and I would never hurt you like he did. I'm so sorry for what he did to you. But I would never hurt you like that, Suzanne. Ever," he says choking up with tears I can actually hear. His voice is all broken and fading in and out as he struggles to be strong again.
Hearing Z's upset actually clears my mind a bit more, and I know I have to help him.
"I know you wouldn't hurt me like that. I just got confused about the daddy, but I know you're not like that. I'm so sorry, Z. I'm sorry I'm so dirty all the time."
"You're not dirty, love. You're beautiful and clean."
Shaking my head, I know he's lying to me. "I'm sorry I'm so gross, and I'm sorry I'm fucked up, and I'm so, so sorry I'm dirty and ugly. You deserve-"
"You, Suzanne," he says with such emotion I almost believe him for a second. But I know the truth.
"I will never deserve
you," I whisper back staring in his eyes as he tears up again for me.
"I don't care about anything but you, Suzanne. Nothing. Don't say sorry, and don't cry, love. Please. Can I take you home now? Please? I need to hold you and care for you, and I need to bring you back to me," Z begs and as I burst into tears I nod yes against his shoulder.
"I need to go home. I'm safe there," I whisper and know it's true suddenly.
We have security in our building, and security in our condo. And only 6 safe people can come up with their keys. No one else can come up, not even for food delivery. We have to go down to get it, so I'm always safe in our home. Even Kyle can't-
Flinching, I realize what just happened and I'm so embarrassed I can't even look at him. Burying my face back in Z's shoulder, I think I'm going to die.
"Kyle saw me, Z. He saw my body, and he knows about the scars, and he saw my dirty hole," I cry desperately.
"Kyle didn't see anything, Suzanne. He didn't look, and he wouldn't hurt you. Kyle works for us, remember? Kyle and Veronica are good guys, remember?"
"I know but it's too late," I cry humiliated. "Please get me out of here, Z. Please?" I beg and he moves immediately.
Standing up, Z rips off his suit jacket and covers my waist. Lifting me, I try to help, but my legs feel tight until looking quickly, I realize my panties are still around my knees. Oh my god!
Reaching for his jacket, I cover my knees better and hide my face in his chest as he walks. I don't know who’s around, and I don't care. I don't want to be here all dirty like this anymore.
Whispering against my hair Z asks, "What do you need, love? Mack is here if you need to talk, and we've already called Dr. Phillips for you. Tell me what you need?"
"Nothing. No one. I want to go home. I don't want to talk about this at all yet. Would you please just take me home so I can have a shower to get all this dirty off me?" I cry in his arms as we step up to his SUV.
"Do you want to lie down in the back, or sit with me up front?"
"I need to lie down, but would you hold my hand?" I ask choking up again as Z pulls me in closer and kisses my head. Whispering 'of course I will' against my hair, he unlocks the doors and helps me climb into the backseat.