Read What To Do If Trapped In A Lift With A Dentist Page 5

bee in each ear

  and holding a gaudy pencil case

  to be in a pain in everyone's rear.

  5

  Entertain the passengers

  stretch your legs for a while

  by frantically goose stepping

  up and down the aisle.

  6

  Pretend to be tory,

  read the Daily Mail and smile

  and, to be extra convincing,

  goose step down the aisle.

  7

  Creep up behind Michael Portillo

  while he is unaware

  put his elbows in a soda stream

  and just leave him there.

  8

  When the guard comes around

  pretend to be asleep

  refuse to produce your ticket

  as a protest against the extortionate prices and poor service.

  15 YEARS

  I should've been here 15 years ago

  but I sat and wasted so much time

  on self doubt and pointless misery

  I never stood to claim what's mine

  Now I'm where I always wanted

  living on my own happy and free

  others' opinions no longer fill my head

  I've climbed out of the family tree

  To a land where my mind is clear

  free of doubt and pressure from outside

  now I carry out plans successfully

  walk forward through my life with pride

  The rules say I should be dead by now

  and I would be if others had their say

  the world did its' best to get rid of me

  but now I'm stronger and here to stay

  You can still doubt me if you want to

  for not having a mortgage or a car

  but I can do without those encumbrances

  I know where I'm going and that's far

  So far away from you, you can't conceive

  of where I am already at

  cos now I am no longer holding back

  I'm running free and that is that

  A fact you cannot even comprehend

  cos you don't know what freedom means

  you're just a drone who plays the lottery

  perpetuating recessive genes

  Success to you is living hell to me

  I wouldn't go there for any price

  No one can ever buy me now

  I see straight through you in a trice

  So from now on it is my life

  To do with whatever I choose

  I won't ever see things your way

  or walk a millimeter in your shoes

  Cos I am self perpetuating

  I make my choices for myself

  Now my path is clear in front of me

  I've got down from the dusty shelf

  Where people sit and waste a lifetime

  being a drone or sheep or clone

  I don't need your advice or platitudes

  I can succeed now on my own

  Cos it's my rules, my terms, my strategy

  I'm playing now in my own game

  Don't you dare to try and copy me

  cos you and I are not the same

  You must decide upon your own path

  don't look to me or anyone

  It's not society you should look to

  think for yourself, that's lesson done

  21st CENTURY BLUES

  I've got the 21st century blues

  I'm a man out of his time

  I've got the 21st century blues

  Politicians lies and crime

  Everywhere things going wrong

  Does the human race have long?

  We haven't evolved

  in the last 40,000 years

  Perhaps that explains

  all our confusions and fears

  Still fighting tribal battles

  internecine strife and hate

  Outdated racial conflict

  battles between church and state

  Archaic superstition

  Informs political decision

  religious contradiction

  leads us all into perdition

  I've got the 21st century blues

  a planet swallowed by the internet

  I've got the 21st century blues

  So many things we just forget

  Like how to speak to people

  conversation face to face

  Can we get off this insane path

  or will Bush have the last laugh?

  With his finger on the button

  as god whispers in his ear

  a delusional fool

  creating hate and fear

  I've got the 21st century blues

  Will I live to see a change

  I've got the 21st century blues

  In this world it's me who's strange

  Cos I don't need a belief

  For existential relief

  You call me infidel

  and want to send me down to hell

  but there is no such place

  so blow the smile off your face

  When I die I'm going nowhere

  and you will rot like me

  In the end we're all just microbes

  the truth you refuse to see

  Your world view so distorted

  that your mind is never free

  I've got the 21st century blues

  but at least I am still me

  I've got the 21st century blues

  but at least my mind is free

  ODE TO A BAG OF LEAVES

  I really, really, really

  love a cup of tea

  it's tasty

  it fuels me

  it makes me happy

  SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTION

  At what point

  should a towel

  be washed?

  WAITER

  I went up to a 34 waist

  and in haste

  I threw out loads of my trousers.

  Then I lost a bit of weight

  and wished I'd wait

  ed

  before discarding several pairs of 32 waist trousers.

  WASTED CYCLE

  I hate it when I put

  some trousers in the wash

  and forget a bit of tissue

  it's a frustrating issue.

  CHINESE SNOOKER

  In snooker

  when a player is hampered

  by having to cue over another ball

  which is directly behind the cue ball

  it is known as a 'Chinese snooker'.

  Now that there are increasing number of top Chinese players

  will they have to call it something else?

  May I suggest a 'reverse snooker'

  since that's what it actually is?

  It was called a 'Chinese snooker'

  because it's a 'back to front' snooker

  and Chinese writing is back to front

  when compared to written English.

  But surely that means the Chinese players

  should call it an 'English snooker',

  which would become rather confusing?

  The same event is viewed differently

  depending on the observer

  rather like the wave/particle duality

  at the heart of quantum physics.

  I had no idea that would be the last line

  when I started writing this poem.

  But it isn't now because that was.

  No that was.

  No that was.

  No this is.

  Definitely.

  DIE FOR YOUR BELIEFS

  Die for your beliefs if you want to

  but don't expect me to join you

  Killing yourself for god

  supreme act of stupidity

  even if there was a heaven

  they wouldn't let you in

  Destroy yourself if you want to

  but don't expect me to join you

  Holy War - oxymor
on

  War for Peace - oxymoron

  Peacekeeping Force - oxymoron

  form a queue - you're a moron

  Pray for guns

  pray for bombs

  pray for death

  your wish is granted

  Israel

  kill with impunity

  we'll all let you do it

  nobody dares say anything

  cos you're not allowed

  to criticise the jews

  so we let them invade a country

  what kind of sense does that make?

  We're all so guilty about world war two

  that we'll let them start a third one

  America sends them blessings and weapons

  cos they can't upset the business men

  The age old foreign policy

  prop up one tyranny

  to counterbalance another

  That's been a resounding success over the years,

  hasn't it?

  Oh I forgot

  Americans don't understand irony

  CHOICE

  Choice is the new buzzword

  We've choice in everything

  A multitude of options

  None of which in any way fit our requirements.

  DISEMBODIED BODY

  Sometimes when I'm sitting down

  it can seem to be the case

  that my legs don't belong to me

  a strange prospect to face

  They look so unfamiliar

  and disassociated

  I know it's a false thought

  but my mind won't be placated

  I feel disembodied

  like a mind without a head

  like my body has been stolen

  and I've another one instead

  I just cannot relate

  to this gristle and this bone

  and can't shake the feeling

  that this bodies not my own

  It won't do what I tell it

  it always misbehaves

  sometimes it will do something

  that doesn't even rhyme

  from time to time

  it's not a crime

  but it's not sublime

  and it's quite inconvenient

  when I walk into a lamp post

  FREE TRADE

  Sanctions only hurt the poor

  the disaffected

  the powerless

  while the leaders remain

  in their ivory tower

  counting their money

  and their power

  Sanctions don't work

  they're political sophistry

  smoke and mirrors

  a pretence at action and conscience

  from people who know the meaning of neither

  Free trade means freedom for everyone

  including the tyrants

  a genuine world wide free market

  free from protectionism and subsidy

  We also need a world wide free market

  for ideas

  Ideas can't hurt anyone

  Only actions and people hurt people

  We need to be free to express ideas

  without worrying about offending people

  or falling foul of draconian laws

  designed to restrict free thought

  We should give all ideas free reign

  no matter how absurd or offensive

  they may be to some

  and allow natural selection to take it's course

  When everything is out in the open

  the unworkable and the hateful

  can be dealt with in an adult manner

  instead of becoming merely 'taboo'

  which means nothing is ever dealt with

  and nothing ever resolved

  so the unworkable and the hateful

  continue and perpetuate

  Middle class liberals congratulate