They all got a hurt real bad, as I followed from their stories.
I did not need to do that.
My mother was not the type to give hidings.
She paid little attention to my school work. Just made sure that I had my school fees on Mondays and that my school clothes were clean every day.
The rest of her time, she spent with Jerry.
The little money she had too.
They were now officially a couple. I did not like the things that my mom started doing.
Drinking hard liquor.
Sometimes I could smell cigarette smoke on her.
But whatever I had to say was dismissed.
I was the child and I should know my place - she reminded me of that whenever she had had a drink.
Aunty Anne said nothing.
Just sang the same old tune.
“My sister deserves to be happy again."
The others, who were not here, did not care whether they passed or not.
André Valentine was one of them.
Perfect!
Maybe Simoné would come and talk to me again.
That's why I was here.
For her.
Today, her hair was one thick braid, with a big blue ribbon.
With her hair tied to the back like that, her face was open.
Or more open?
The eyes brighter - almost as if it was more a hazel colour.
Her skin like vanilla.
The small mole just above her lip was also more prominent.
Her lips looked good enough to eat.
True as God.
The lip balm made it look more appealing.
Made it stand out more.
Mmmmmm.
iii
We talked more and more.
I was not sure if I was her friend.
She always greeted me, when she saw me, but she would not always start a conversation.
Other days she talked without stopping.
Sometimes I could not get a word in.
Other times she bombarded me with questions.
From what I had for breakfast, and embarrassing ones, like, when did I stop wetting the bed.
I lied about that one, because I still did.
Wet my bed, I mean.
I did not care to answer her questions.
I answered every one.
Most of the time, I was honest.
I just wanted to hear her voice.
Just hear Sherwynne come from her mouth.
She was not my friend.
No.
She and André were definitely not friends either.
He was always holding her hand.
As if to say - she is mine!
Like a spoiled brat that didn’t want to share his toys with the rest of the kids.
Look at me! Ooooo, look at meeeee!
So big and still so childish.
Why Simoné allowed him to hold her hand, I could not understand.
Girls are strange.
I do not know why I didn’t like André.
He was never rude to me.
To tell the truth - he was a very pleasant person.
Always a smile on his face.
And - unlike the rest - he still had his two front teeth.
No, the reason I didn’t like André, had nothing to do with him.
I think it's because of Simoné...
"Penny for your thoughts, Sherwynne."
"Ha... ah..." I swallowed my words.
How long has she been standing there?
"Ha ah, ha ah. Is that a song from the desert?"
Her smile was wide.
"No," I said with a smile.
Simoné knew how to get me comfortable.
That made me uncomfortable too.
She sat down beside me.
I looked up to see who was watching us.
Nobody.
Everyone was busy with their own things.
She looked at me.
I did not try to look away.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I’m just looking." Her eyes smiled too.
"Do I have something in my eyes?"
Unconsciously I wiped the corners of my eyes.
There was nothing.
"Relax, Sherwynne."
I tried.
"I wonder..." she leaned forward.
Her face closer to mine.
"What," I asked.
"Are your eyes brown?"
"Yes. Or, more brown."
"Brown, but green." She sounded excited.
"Something like that."
"But..."
Now she leaned forward even more.
Her face right in front of mine.
I could feel her breath on my face.
Warm.
It smelled of cinnamon. Perhaps cloves.
I could not say.
It was nice.
"But?" I asked curiously.
Trying my best not to breathe.
Perhaps she could smell the peanut butter I had this morning.
"Are... are there yellow speckles in your eyes?"
She sounded surprised.
"Not as far as I know." Yellow speckles?
"I'm almost sure... Yes. Three in the right eye and four in the left."
"Really?" Someone drank too much of the lemonade. "I think you are imagining it."
"No, I can see it clearly. It’s so..."
She leaned back again and continued to look at me.
Her smile broader, but she didn’t show her teeth.
She took a deep breath.
"Yes?" I urged her on.
"It’s,” she bit her lip.
Her eyes closed more than two seconds ago.
I motioned “I am listening” with my hand.
"It’s really…beautiful…” almost as if she said it under her breath.
"Uhm..."
I felt strange.
Funny in my stomach.
Excited too.
"Tha ... Thank you."
She said nothing further.
Smile wide again.
Beautiful white teeth.
Her eyes open.
Small drops formed above her upper lip.
Fine drops along the edge.
It was beautiful.
Then she got up and sat back down beside Natasha Jantjies. She gave me one last look over her shoulder. I raised my hand and unconsciously made a small waving gesture.
She smiled shyly and turned her head, pulled into her shoulders.
Until next time, my beautiful Simoné.
***
We received our reports and left the classroom.
The whole school was buzzing.
Fortunately for me, I could be a bit excited too – Fat One and Banana Face were not here today.
Georgie got expelled.
Did I mention that?
Yes, a month or so ago.
He tripped me a while back.
I fell off the porch hard.
Almost broke my nose.
Mr Love expelled him then.
But that was not the end of Georgie.
Nope.
"Sherwynne!"
She caught me off guard (with me constantly on the lookout for a bully).
She was with Natasha Jantjies and Gavin Jacobs.
Wonder what they wanted.
"He... hello, Simoné."
"We are all going to the park for a bit. Are you joining us?"
"Th... tha... thanks, but... but... rather not."
With Natasha Jantjies and Gavin Jacobs there, it was more difficult to talk to her.
"Please?" She made a sad puppy face.
Darn.
Girls.
Toys with ones emotions.
Can’t she just accept “no” for an answer?
If Georgie was around, he would make me eat sand again.
With Fat One and Banana Face?
??s help, he could kick my butt good.
Oh, Simoné.
Why did you have to pull that face?
Hide your smile.
That smile.
Against my better judgment, I said the word.
"Okay."
"Yippee! Come."
She put her arm in mine.
She put her arm in mine.
She put her arm in MINE.
Suddenly I began to tremble and felt very funny in my stomach.
As if at any moment I would taste my own bile.
But at the same time as if I was light.
Simoné's skin was soft.
Always thought it was, but now I could feel it.
Soft like custard.
She rested her head on my shoulder.
Her hair smelled like fruit.
Watermelon, and others, that were on the tip of my tongue.
"What are you thinking?"
"Nothing."
Natasha Jantjies and Gavin Jacobs held hands.
A short distance away from us.
I wondered what was going on.
Them.
Simoné and I.
I did not know what to think.
What about André?
Oh, boy.
I hope Georgie would stay away.
I kept looking around.
School children were all going home. Many also moved in the direction of the park.
But there was no sign of the bullies.
iv
2009
Mom was awake when I got home.
I had hoped that she was still asleep.
The smell of curry welcomed me.
She was in the kitchen.
"Look at you, Sherwin!"
She threw the spoon and rag onto the table and almost ran to me.
Worried expression on her face.
I did not understand why.
I just went for a walk.
"How long have you been walking around in the rain!?
My, dear! You will catch a cold!"
She went into her room and came back with a towel.
"Here! Dry yourself!"
I took the towel.
I was confused myself.
How long was I gone?
When did it start raining?
When I went out, the sun was still shining.
Just a few clouds in the sky.
"Where were you?" She was less hysterical.
Where was I?
I could not remember.
"Just went for a walk.” That was true. "Do not worry."
I walked past her, but she grabbed my arm and turned me around.
She said nothing.
Just stared at me.
I tried to keep eye contact, but could not hold it for long.
This time it was not just the hanging eye.
No.
It felt as if she could see something.
I looked away.
"What's wrong, honey?" Her voice soft and calm.
"Nothing, Mommy. I just went for a walk. Then it started raining. I was too far from home to walk right back. There was nowhere to run."
Lie lie lie.
"That is not what I'm talking about."
She left my arm and sat down on the couch.
She gestured that I had to sit next to her.
I did.
Didn’t want to, but I did.
"Since you returned. You are not yourself. Sometimes I talk to you, but you're so deep in thought, that you do not hear me. You don’t eat. If you do not sleep, you're on the streets. Alone."
I became more uncomfortable.
What was I supposed to say?
"You never told me why you decided to come back. After... you know... I thought you would never put a foot in this house again. And I was fine with that. If I were you, I would not want to either. Not that I don’t want you here. I do. I missed you dearly. Every day. After Anne moved into the Wendy-house, the house is... alone. Cold."
"I missed you too Mommy. Every day."
"Why did you quit your job like that? Leave Namibia? Your sweet girlfriend?"
The word girlfriend cut deep.
Hurt.
The fire was worse than before.
I did not know it could burn even worse than it already had.
I got up and went to my room.
"Sherwin. What is wrong, my dear?"
"Nothing, Mommy. Just leave me alone, please. I’m going to bed. Good night."
I closed the door behind me.
I leaned with my back against the door for a long time.
My heart on fire.
***
After what felt like hours, I threw myself on my bed.
Wet clothes and all.
I folded into myself.
The fire continued.
These days it felt like it was the only part of me that was real.
I was a shadow of my former self.
That man did not exist until I met her.
My life, after the mess of Cape Town, only germinated when I met her.
She helped me make sense of the... skeletons.
The pain to be a distant memory.
Almost forgotten.
But now she was the cause of a deeper pain.
A fire like no fire or ice could burn.
An empty hole burning.
Nothing to fuel the fire, but the deepest desire to have her arms around me.
To look in her eyes.
To know, more to feel, that someone loves me like that.
That everything will perish, but that her love for me will live on, after death, until the end of days.
But that was naive.
I knew it.
However, it did not extinguish the fire.
My bed was soaked.
My clothes sat uncomfortably on my body, but I could not get up.
I slowly drifted off into a deep darkness.
v
"Where are you?"
I could not see anything. There was no light.
I blinked.
Hoping my eyes would adjust to the dark.
It did not help.
I moved forward.
Slowly.
"Where are you?"
Besides the dark, there was something else.
The feeling that someone was watching me.
I tried to move faster and screamed louder.
No sign of her.
The feeling of eyes on me worse than before.
It felt like it was behind me, no left, no right.
No.
Right in front of me.
I fell backwards.
The feeling of eyes on me, now more overwhelming than before.
I tried to move further back, but it did not help.
"Help me! Where are you?"
I tried my best to make the words leave my mouth, but all I could hear, were quick, shallow, gasps, at whatever oxygen was left in the dark.
I was just about to faint, when I saw it.
Two red eyes.
Right in front of me.
And a voice.
Almost a whisper.
“You are mine.”
vi
It was quiet in the house when I woke up.
I was wet, but it was not because I went to bed with wet clothes.
It was sweat.
I could still feel it on my forehead, right down my neck.
My heart was beating fast.
The dream felt like it really happened.
I could still see the red eyes in front of me.
The eyes.
Yes.
I got up from my bed. Moved quietly on the wooden floor. I did not want to wake my mom. I opened the window. It stopped raining, but there were many clouds in the sky. I switched on my radio. According to the radio presenter it was just after ten.
I could hardly believe it.
It felt like I had been asleep for hours.
The dream was like an eternity.
And, again, just about her.
Except for the red eyes.
What did they mean?
"It's nothing, Sherwin," I tried to make myself forget.
Just the fear of not knowing how to move forward without her.
It was now more than three months since I last saw her, but I was still the same.
The longing for her is intolerable.
I do not know how much longer I could go on like this.
How much longer could I lie to my mother?
She’s asking more and more questions.
And she was right.
I am no longer the person I once was.
How could I be?
I'm nothing without her.
I just remember myself with her.
Every good memory; and bad.
She always by my side.
I came to believe that that’s how we would be forever.
That was just my own optimism.
If I was not so thick, stupid and yes, in love, I could see that she did not feel the same.
Who could ever be in love with you?
Yes, I was special to her.
She also said it herself.
I'm her best friend.
But that's all.
She did not feel like I did for her.
If only I opened my eyes, I could see that she and the roach had something going.
Not believed that they were just friends.
I was gullible.
But it was really all in the past.
She said she never wanted to see me again.
That hurt the worst.
That you didn’t want me in your life any more.
Did it mean nothing to you that I loved you?
How could you just toss me aside?
Humiliate me like that?
In front of everyone we knew?
You are nothing.
Why do I miss you still?
Why does the fire burn still?
I am nothing without you.
God, what shall I do?
If You are there, help me.
I do not want to live without her.
***
"It's now officially just a year before the start of the 2010 Football World Cup and the eyes are on South Africa!"
It was the radio presenter.
"Everybody’s asking whether South Africa will be ready? Australia has already announced their readiness to host the final if South Africa fails to deliver. And what about the increasing violence in our country? Call in and share your opinion..."
I turned off the radio.
The Football World Cup was the least of my worries at the moment.
Though I hoped that Germany would at least make it to the semi-finals.
I left my room.
Softly into the kitchen
At least mom’s door was closed.
I was hungry.
Though I knew I wouldn’t get much down.
Could I not be one of those people that ate when they were depressed?
Then at least I wouldn’t look like a scarecrow.
I was really only skin and bone.
Could almost fit through the burglar bars of the windows.
Thin as a rake.
Mom left me a plate of food on the stove.
Curry.
Minced beef with rice.
I would have to eat it cold.
I'll have to get a microwave for the house.
Tomorrow.
If I would dare walk into a store.