They know.
vii
1990
"Well, let’s see” Aunty Anne lay stretched out on the couch.
She was off work this week.
I still had to get used to seeing her at home during the day.
She worked odd shifts at the hospital.
Brooklyn Chest.
Apparently a hospital only for people with TB.
I sometimes wondered if she was going to bring the bug here.
Infect my mom.
The thought alone.
I could not lose another parent to illness.
Dad was way too much.
"Can’t I even enter the house first, Aunty?”
I closed the door behind me and sat down next to her.
Mommy was in the kitchen as usual.
"Yes, you. You know we are waiting to see if you passed," she sat up and gestured with her head in my mom’s direction, “you know how your mother gets."
I looked at my mom and she just shook her head.
She was making sandwiches.
I could smell something baking in the oven.
"Mmmm! What smells so good? Not perhaps a chocolate cake?"
"Only those that passed Standard two may have of that deliciousness."
Aunty Anne looked naughty when she said that.
"If you will hand me the report, we will see if you will be indulging with your mother and me.”
"Okay, okay."
I was anxious too.
I was not sure if I passed.
The previous three terms, I had barely made it.
Mrs October said in my last report, if I did not show improvement, that I would have to go to remedial class. Not even repeat Standard two. What was worse was that Georgie's henchmen were both in remedial class.
I trembled.
Just the thought alone.
I took out the report and handed it to Aunty Anne. She dramatically tore open the envelope and took out the report, equally slowly. Slowly she unfolded it. Looked it up and down. Then she put her hand on her mouth.
"Debbie?"
I was not sure if it was concern in her voice.
"What... what does it say?"
I was more nervous now. I could already anticipate a hard knock against my head every two minutes in the remedial class.
Mommy took the report from Aunty Anne and sat on the single sitter opposite us. She looked at the report for a long while, and then shook her head. Aunty Anne still had her hand on her mouth. No one made eye contact with me.
"Have I failed?"
I could not hide the disappointment in my voice.
Though I knew it was a possibility, I did not realize it would feel like this.
It was not just the fear that I would be with the bullies in a class.
No.
It was Simoné who was suddenly on my mind.
She has definitely passed.
So, I would get to spend much less time with her.
If we would ever spend more time together.
She'd never want to be seen with one that failed.
A loser.
I picked up my bag and stood up.
I wanted to be alone.
"And where do you think you’re going?"
My mother's voice was light. Not like one that was angry or disappointed.
"I want to be alone."
Aunty Anne suddenly started laughing.
"I'm sorry sis, I just couldn’t any longer."
She could barely utter the words, because she was still laughing out loud.
Great.
It made me feel worse.
My failure is certainly extremely funny to her.
I just wanted to start walking, when my mom jumped up and threw her arms around me. She basically picked me up and swayed me around.
How this small person managed it, always amazed me.
Not that I was one of the biggest 10 year olds.
She sat me down and kissed me all over my face.
What was wrong with the woman.
Aunty Anne also rose and put her arms around me and my mom.
I was more confused.
My mother stood back and took my face in her hands.
Saw to it that I could not look away.
"Your father would have been so proud, Sherwin."
I immediately got a lump in my throat.
Why did my mother have to mention my father of all people?
He definitely would not be happy that I had failed.
My mother's eyes became watery.
She would start crying at any moment. But her face was not sad.
"Well done, Sherwin." Aunty Anne didn’t laugh any more.
I looked at my mom and back to Aunty Anne.
The lump in my throat did not make things any easier.
"What... do you mean... Aunty? Didn’t I… fail?"
I looked at my mother again. Tears rolled slowly down her cheeks.
"Did I pass?"
"Yes, my dear."
My mother hugged me again and then opened the flood gates.
"But... you?"
I could not get the words out.
Mommy held me too tight.
"We were just pulling a prank. It’s not often we get to do that."
Aunty Anne walked to the kitchen.
My mother let me go and handed my report to me.
She wiped the tears from her face and stroked her fingers through my hair.
She looked at me for a moment.
I tried to smile, but I still had the lump in my throat.
"Sherwin..." My mother's voice was soft.
"Yes, Mommy?"
"You did well, dear. You know. With Daddy... moving to Cape Town... new school."
My mother still stroked her fingers through my hair.
"Mommy," my voice failed me.
"I know, dear. I miss him too."
My mother wiped the tears from her cheeks again.
"Yes."
That's all I could muster.
If I tried to say something else, I would start crying too.
And boys don’t cry.
No.
We shake it off and push through.
"Well, look at your report. I'm going to finish the cake."
She kissed my cheek and went into the kitchen.
I unfolded the report.
First read what Mrs October had to say:
Sherwin passes Standard two. Congratulations. We look forward to having him back at Observatory Primary in the New Year. Enjoy your holiday.
She didn’t mention anything about remedial class.
I was happy.
More because I would still be in class with Simoné.
That I would not be with the bullies was an even bigger gift from above.
To my surprise, I did not fail any of my subjects.
Afrikaans A
English D
Health Science C
History B
Mathematics D
Woodwork and craftsmanship A
The biggest improvements were English and Mathematics.
Last quarter I got a double F for both.
My English mark was due to Mr Love.
If he had not done the spelling words, I don’t know.
Mathematics was all thanks to Mrs October’s torture stick.
I looked at the report one last time and put it back in the envelope.
It was done.
Standard two was over.
I passed.
Thank you, God.
***
Anubis was uneasy in the backyard.
I left him alone a lot lately. I felt guilty about that. When I opened the back door, he jumped me to the ground and started licking my face as usual. The goo, slimy and his tongue rough against my skin were both ticklish and gross, but I didn’t push him away.
I missed him.
Even though I greete
d him this morning, before I went to school. But now I just wanted to play with him. He was all I have left of Daddy. With Anubis around me it felt there was still a piece of my dad with me.
A piece that I could hold.
It was more than the memories of my father that were slowly fading away.
Much more than the feeling that he was still here with us.
I did not feel it, but my mother insisted that he was still here in spirit with us.
Until, one day, we are ready to finally let him go.
I did not argue with her about this.
What did I know about death?
"Hello, Boy! What did you do all day?"
He stopped licking me and sat on his hind legs.
His tail swept the sand clear off the porch.
He wanted to play ball.
That's the only time he sat like that.
Tail wagging wildly.
He immediately stood on all fours when I picked up the tennis ball.
His tail wagging faster, if at all possible.
I pretended to throw the ball, but he wasn’t fooled.
He learned well over the years.
When I threw the ball, he was immediately there to catch it, before it could hit the ground.
And instantly he was back beside me.
He never left the ball until I asked it from him.
End of I miss you. I miss you, ‘cause I’m so fond of you.
The Truth will set you free
i
1990
The holiday was my best ever.
I spent almost every day with Simoné.
It was wonderful.
Most of the time it was just me and her alone.
Sometimes Natasha Jantjies too, sometimes with Gavin Jacobs, but he never without Natasha Jantjies.
I took Simoné to all my secret hangout spots.
Where I usually spent my time alone.
Today I wanted to show her my spot by the train tracks near the bridge.
I had a surprise for her.
I was very nervous.
I could barely sleep.
I was awake before the Tarzan sounds came from the mosque.
And lately, the sounds were quite early.
Almost around four.
I didn’t get up from my bed. Aunty Anne was working diligently at snoring. Even with the terrible noise of that, she would hear me if I were to tread on the wooden floor.
Fortunately, the curtain was open.
There were no clouds in the sky.
No moon.
Just the many dots against the black.
Though it was not the same as the night sky from Windhoek, Namibia, it was okay. Nights in Windhoek, when there was no moon, you could see the stars almost as if they were just above your head.
It is a sight to behold.
My dad and I regularly slept on the porch of our house in Windhoek. Sleep was the last thing that usually happened. We chatted away, while we watched the stars. He was always telling me stories about the war at the border.
Strange things that happened there.
I just listened and never asked much.
I could not think that Daddy could ever kill anyone.
Daddy also knew a lot of the star constellations. He always pointed them out to me. He also taught me the names, but I remember nothing now. We enjoyed it terribly to talk about aliens. We both wanted to believe that there were aliens. Maybe on one of the beautiful stars that we were watching right at that moment.
Not aliens that wanted to abduct us, or ones that wanted to perform terrible experiments on us.
No.
Just people like us who were from another earth. They were also searching for other intelligent life.
Little did they know there was life looking for them.
Why my father wanted to believe that aliens existed, I did not know.
I know it was Alf and The Mysterious Cities of Gold that influenced me.
I followed the programs as if my life depended on it.
The Mysterious Cities of Gold was of course my absolute favourite.
I was Esteban. The Child of the Sun.
And Zia...
Yes.
My delicate, petite ankles, Simoné.
I always imagined it was me and her that went off on adventures.
If only it could happen.
That would be wonderful.
The brave young boy, with the bolder, more beautiful, young maiden by his side.
Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!
Oh!
Sherwynne, I love you.
Sherwynne, I do.
You again.
Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!
La...
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Ouch!
Damn you!
F@cker!
(1 minute silence.)
My, absolute, pleasure.
(30 seconds silence.)
How did you like it?
My debut.
Told you.
(30 seconds silence.)
Now.
(10 seconds silence.)
Sherwynne, I love you.
(30 seconds silence.)
Sherwynne, I really do... love... you.
(1 minute silence.)
When are you going to listen?
Don’t.
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!
(2 minutes silence.)
Please.
Stop that.
Please.
Then... you know... to be silent... when... I... speak.
(1 minute silence.)
Told you already you are mean.
(5 seconds silence.)
And you.
(3 seconds silence.)
Know well.
(10 seconds silence.)
You.
Betrayer.
(30 seconds silence.)
Uhm.
(10 seconds silence.)
Sherwynne, I love you. Sherwynne, I do.
(3 seconds silence.)
When are you going to start listening?
(10 seconds silence.)
You said you have a secret to tell.
(10 seconds silence.)
You’ve done a poor job so far.
Simoné here.
Tiny cabin there.
Poor poor poor.
(10 seconds silence.)
You’re poking around.
(3 seconds silence.)
Here a seed.
There a pip.
Now and then a rock.
(5 seconds silence.)
Where is the diamond?
(10 seconds silence.)
Tell the truth.
Start at the beginning.
There where my secret began...
I... can’t.
You can.
You are brave.
What about Georgie?
You made sure he understood never to look in your direction ever again.
That took guts.
But it wasn’t like that.
It was.
He.
Guess
that’s me.
Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!
(30 seconds silence.)
Enough.
Please.
Deceiver.
(5 seconds silence.)
Still.
It was you.
Tell the truth.
Only the Truth will set you free.
It's hard to put into words.
Try.
Live it.
The words will come.
Do it for her.
For Simoné.
For yourself.
For God.
Only He is Peace.
I'm... scared.
You do not have to fear him.
It’s not him I am scared of.
Yes, I'm scared of him.
But it’s, her.
What if she doesn’t like my surprise?
I will not be able to live with the disappointment.
If she does not understand.
The fire, can then, not compare.
You will never know if you do not try.
Come.
I know what bravery you are capable of.
Experienced it with my own eyes.
Show him.
Come.
What if he catches her?
You will be there to protect her.
Won’t you?
Come.
O...
Okay.
ii
Football World Cup 2010.
South Africa.
But first…
Tuesday, 22 January 1991.
World News
Three SCUDs and one Patriot missile hit Ramat Gan in Israel, injuring 96 people; 3 elderly people die of heart attacks.
British Army SAS patrol, Bravo Two Zero is deployed in Iraq during the Gulf War. All but one of eight members are killed or captured.
The beginning.
Near Observatory-station, Cape Town.
Near our house.
Train tracks.
Near the bridge.
Cement Pipes.
My leg was bleeding.
He bit me.
I didn’t even feel it.
***
2010
My name is Sherwin. Sherwin Esterhuizen.
I have a secret to share with you.
This is the only way I can get redemption.
Knowing that someone else knows.
No.
Knowing that you know.
To put into words is difficult.
Impossible.
Words are at a loss.
So.
Come.
I'll show you.
It's the only way.
Just promise that you will say nothing.
Wait until I finish.
I must open my heart.
So that you can see.
Just my gratitude.
For you.
I am but a man of few words.
But I try to assert them through my actions, to the best of my ability, so that others may know.
I care.
I love them.
For words are at a loss.
Colour boundaries.
Phobias.
Man.
Woman.
Words are at a loss.
How do I say I love you, without making you uncomfortable?
Words are at a loss.
You, I love the most.
Come.
I want to show you.
Come with me to the tiny cabin.
There where your castle is.
There where you are the ruler.
You are the Queen of my heart.
Come.
We must hurry.
There’s not much time.
I can feel it.